RSPIN Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I have been dating this girl for a month, she had just gotten out of a 6.5 yr relationship about 3 weeks before I had met her (yea, yea...I know)......anyway, things were going great until this week. We were texting nearly everyday, we would hang out like 2-3 times per week....we went out a week ago Fri nite.....she came to my family BBQ at my sister's house on Memorial day (3 days later), then she came over and hung out at my house until like midnite after working a 12 hr day and had to be up at like 6 the next morning....she had to force herself to leave and took like an hour.....she almost always invited me into her house when I dropped her off....our kisses are incredible, though we haven't had sex because she's not ready, which is fine. She would just fall asleep snuggled up to me and even slept over my house once. We went out and grabbed some ice cream on Sunday and I sensed that things were a bit different......I text her Wednesday and invited her out....no response. I then called her the next day (Thursday) and she didn't answer, but text me 2 minutes later that she couldn't go to the game because she had plans.....I text her back asking when she is free and she texts me back 7 hrs later that she is very busy lately and that she'll let me know. She had always made herself readily available and made every effort to text me and make plans....this past week has stopped texting me on her own. Its now Sat morning (she sent the text at 10 pm Thrus nite) and I haven't responded to the text, yet. I suspect that things were moving to fast and she wants some time/space...slow things down, which is fine, but I wish that she could just tell me that. Should I text her letting her know that would be ok???? UGH I really have feelings for her and don't mind being patient and taking it slowly, but I don't wanna be a rebound...when should I text and what should I say?? Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Eek! I'm sorry, and I hate to say it, but you are the rebound. And I can say that because I've done what your ex did, and I wasn't even with the guy for 6.5 years.... that's a lot of history there. I was dating a guy for 14 months and when we broke up, I latched on to the first attractive guy (I'm talking within a week or two) and was hanging out with him everyday until the ex called. That's when I dropped the rebound like a hot potato and ran back to the ex. The case might be different for you, but 3 weeks doesn't sound like enough time to even start to get over a relationship that lasted 6.5 years. I'd text her just asking how she is, but if you don't get any response, it's time to let go because she's gone back to her ex. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I agree with Free that it sounds like you were the diversion to get her mind off the breakup. It is possible that they reconciled or that she realizes that she can't put her heart and soul into a new relationship at this point. Sleeping cuddled up is not necessarily a sign of interest...in someone who is rebounding it is just neediness...a feeling of deriving comfort from another warm body. It is not typically a good idea to get involved with someone who hasn't had at least about 6 months post break up on their own. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Someone who is just out of a 6,5 year relationship is not emotionally available. You are setting yourself up for a fall here. I can only advice you to cut your losses. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 yeah, i agree, it sounds like the ex may have popped back into her life. (that, or she realized she isn't ready to be in a new relationship). i'm sorry about this! Link to comment
TheOther Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I agree with the rebound theories. On a side note, it's time to ditch the texting and have a heart-to-heart phone convo with her. Texting is nice for a quick "How ya doing?" or to make casual plans. But these types of topics are far better done over the phone (if it can't be done in person). Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I agree with Free that it sounds like you were the diversion to get her mind off the breakup. It is possible that they reconciled or that she realizes that she can't put her heart and soul into a new relationship at this point. Sleeping cuddled up is not necessarily a sign of interest...in someone who is rebounding it is just neediness...a feeling of deriving comfort from another warm body. It is not typically a good idea to get involved with someone who hasn't had at least about 6 months post break up on their own. No, but sleeping over my house in the same bed (I gave her a choice of a separate bed), meeting my entire family at the Memorial day BBQ, meeting most of my friends on double dates, texting me "I think that I just may like you" and inviting me in most of the time when I drop her off are. She always had to force herself to leave my house after making out for hours. As for the back with the ex theory...maybe, but she told me that it had ended after 5 yrs, she went back out with him for 1.5 yrs just because she felt bad and it was over at that point...he never came out with her, etc. I just think that it may be too soon and she got scared because she relaized that she really likes me. Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I'll keep you guys updated, I'm gonna text her Tuesday. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I'll keep you guys updated, I'm gonna text her Tuesday. Why not just quit with the texting? It's doing something to your head. Why not just back off and wait for her to become relationship material? No text in the world can rush that. Get some sleep! Link to comment
Timebandit Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I just think that it may be too soon and she got scared because she relaized that she really likes me. I am sure she likes you. I am however also very confident, that she is not ready for a new (lasting) relationship, and that she will not become ready for a foreseeable time. To me, it seems that you have resorted to wishful thinking. If you are not dropping contact with her, then at least let her be in the drivers seat as to how much contact you have. Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I am sure she likes you. I am however also very confident, that she is not ready for a new (lasting) relationship, and that she will not become ready for a foreseeable time. To me, it seems that you have resorted to wishful thinking. If you are not dropping contact with her, then at least let her be in the drivers seat as to how much contact you have. I am....we are not communicating nearly as much....I have backed off. As for the calling, we basically just text and hung out when it was going well, nvr mind now that she apparently has mixed feelings.......I tried calling a few days ago and she didn't answer and subsequently text me, so I don't think that I should push that route. My next text in a few days is just gonna be that we should talk if she feels up to it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 No, but sleeping over my house in the same bed (I gave her a choice of a separate bed), meeting my entire family at the Memorial day BBQ, meeting most of my friends on double dates, texting me "I think that I just may like you" and inviting me in most of the time when I drop her off are. She always had to force herself to leave my house after making out for hours. As for the back with the ex theory...maybe, but she told me that it had ended after 5 yrs, she went back out with him for 1.5 yrs just because she felt bad and it was over at that point...he never came out with her, etc. I just think that it may be too soon and she got scared because she relaized that she really likes me. I have read many many many posts on this forum describing this kind of intensity in rebound relationships. The intensity has to do with transferring affections...desperately wanting to not be alone...people who rebound are simply craving the continuity of the closeness and feeling of belonging so they play out their old relationship with someone new in an effort to keep the continuity of having someone rather than being alone. It is like they are running to put out a fire. What's the rush? The rush is to find a substitute relationship. She may not necessarily have gone back to him..but she has not processed the last relationship and jumped straight into an intense relationship with you. Inevitably when this happens they tend to suddenly back off when they have had a chance to reflect on what they are doing. Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 I have read many many many posts on this forum describing this kind of intensity in rebound relationships. The intensity has to do with transferring affections...desperately wanting to not be alone...people who rebound are simply craving the continuity of the closeness and feeling of belonging so they play out their old relationship with someone new in an effort to keep the continuity of having someone rather than being alone. It is like they are running to put out a fire. What's the rush? The rush is to find a substitute relationship. She may not necessarily have gone back to him..but she has not processed the last relationship and jumped straight into an intense relationship with you. Inevitably when this happens they tend to suddenly back off when they have had a chance to reflect on what they are doing. I can't argue with any of that and I echo your sentiment, however I have never characterized what we had as "intense"...I'm not naive, all I was getting at is that the girl likes me.....I must confess that I didn't consider the fact that she had just gotten out of this LTR enough and the fact that my LTR of 2.5 yrs only ended a yr ago may have had something to do with it as well....but what I can say is that this is the first time in which I have really had feelings for someone again since my ex. The bottom like is that I don't think either one of us thought that things would go this well that quickly.....and I have realized that this may very well be an unhealthy situation too late into the game, I'm already hurt, so I may as well give it a shot. BTW, I know that it doesn't matter much....but she indicated that it was over long before it ended and she was the one who broke it off. Link to comment
dr_styles Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 Whilst the situations are so very different (like mine was just two simplish dates and I could see bad signs already) there are a lot of key parallels with mine too. Namely the: - rebound after a multi-year relationship - drop off contact with no reason, but that's typical rejection I suppose - after getting her number after the first date I tried calling ... and she didn't answer and subsequently text me, so I don't think that I should push that route. So I'm all for the calling up a girl as well but I can understand how you might not want to either. Good luck in your situation though. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 BTW, I know that it doesn't matter much....but she indicated that it was over long before it ended and she was the one who broke it off. As you wrote earlier, she indicated that she was with him for the last 1.5 years because "she felt bad". I don't know... there is just something that makes me think, that this is a huge red flag. Maybe she find it difficult not to be in a relationship? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 This sounds like 'future heartbreak' logic. You think that three weeks in is "too late" so you might as well keep persuing a situation where you are ALREADY hurt because you like her. What makes more sense is to say, OK I'm hurt three weeks in so I better get out of this so I don't get more hurt, say six weeks in. But let's look at your other considerations. Now, taking her past relationship out of the equation for a moment, people in general have to be careful not to invest too much emotionally early on in a dating situation. You aren't exclusive and you never know if the person is going to bolt after a couple of months. That's why many suggest dating several folks so you don't get too attached and feel disappointed if it doesn't work out. Add in her recent past relationship and it's simple ... more fuel for the caution fire. In my personal belief and experience, in order for a 'rebound' to work out so soon after a break-up, the second relationship needs to go really really slowly (which means waiting a while for physical intimacy and emotional commitment). You have to be prepared for some wishy washiness and her need for some space from you at times. Basically, you have to give her enough room to grieve. If not, it's down in flames for you two in the long run. Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 Well, if she met someone else, it was very recently because I know for a fact that she wasn't seeing anyone else. Yea, we haven't had sex and I'm fine with that.....we reach a certain point and I don't try take it any further, I know that its too much for her...NBD. Regarding giving her space, I have no prob doing so, I just wish that I knew whether or not I just needed to do that or she has lost interest. Link to comment
dr_styles Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 Regarding giving her space, I have no prob doing so, I just wish that I knew whether or not I just needed to do that or she has lost interest. Heh why do you say things which resonate so much with me atm Link to comment
Zunder Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 "Next" her pal, and move on. She just wanted the attention that was suddenly missing when her ltr broke up. Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 Damn, I see from this thread that I probably made a mistake having her come to the family BBQ and going on double dates with my friends.....I shouldn't have rushed to that level so quickly, her friends and family probably advised her to back off, too. I wish that I had researched rebound relationships right when I had met her. lol Link to comment
servedcold Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 Meet other women, have other dates, keep in touch with this one, but please consider nixing the texting totally. Would drop contact for an entire week, then call her and ask her out. If she doesn't say yes, or waffles, move on to other options. Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 Why don't you just back down a while & see if she initiates contact again? Sometimes, by just being silent, you can see the whole picture more clearly Link to comment
RSPIN Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 I don't know....if I just stop contacting her, I risk having given up on her when she was in fact just trying to slow things down. I mean, she did return my last text, its not like she has just totally become unresponsive....she's just pulled back a bit, which may be indicative of her just slowing things. The meat of the matter is that I just need a way in which to gently find out whether or not she just needs time and to slow things down or she has lost interest, without further pushing her away. We were moving pretty quickly for a few weeks. Link to comment
MinziGirl Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 We were moving pretty quickly for a few weeks. That was why i asked you to back down. For there, you can see if she is (still) interested in you or not. Link to comment
servedcold Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 She's not going to forget about you in a week, and you have shown her plenty of interest. Let her pick up the phone and call you. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.