Nice/Good Guys and attraction later on...

[ellandroader]

To the ladies....

 

I see on the boards here, there and anywhere that as you get older, the good/nice guys (I know good guys can be bracketed as too nice as well) become more favourable as partners? Now I know that not all the ladies are like that but I have seen that happen in a few real life situations that I have been privy to. (And the other way around too).

 

Reason I ask is because I am curious...as to why it happens, what changes in terms of requirements etc? Do some women learn from past mistakes or regret how they let somebody good leave their life? Is that a factor?

 

I suppose I would feel like one of those that has been passed up in the past despite being told of all these good qualities I am meant to have and that my time will come soon enough. But you know, it happens and I am trying to figure out within myself what I can do to address it.

 

Not trying to cause trouble, just seeing what others think?

[yumicecream]

When I was younger, I wasn't looking for anything long-term. I was looking for some fun. The kind of guys who give you that fun are the passionate ones that will fight with you and ride motorcycles. WHen I turned 23, I realized that I wanted a good guy because I want to settle down and create a family. Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't think that women turn down good guys. I think they turn down wimpy, unexciting guys who let people walk all over them.

 

I don't think you've been passed over. Just because you haven't found the right one doesn't mean there is a great conspiracy reason that women have.

[Capricorn3]

as you get older, the good/nice guys (I know good guys can be bracketed as too nice as well) become more favourable as partners?

Actually, I think good/nice guys are ALWAYS more favourable partners, no matter what age you are - be it younger or older, lol. I've never really understood the mentality of "women love bad guys". I mean, what is that? lol. I have read that statement soooooooo many times over the years and I still don't get it! lol.

 

Give me a good guy any time!!

 

(I'm not sure if I actually answered your question, lol).

[Honey610]

I went through the "bad boy" stage when I was younger but now that I'm almost 27, I want a good guy. I don't want someone who plays games and can't be in a committed relationship because at the end of the day, I want to get married. I have met men like this also; just the other day I met a guy who was just sick of everything thought I was a great girl and after one date was ready to get married. And honestly, if I was attracted to him maybe I would who knows? LOL But everyone reaches their breaking point at different times.

 

If for whatever reason I did have a good guy in my life and I did something to mess that up, I would definitely regret it once I've realized for myself the type of person I want to be with. And for me, I would probably try to reach out to them cause I'm a firm believer that life is too short.

 

But that all depends on who you're dealing with. Some people are so self absorbed that they don't look back. But I truly believe, that things ALWAYS come full circle one way or the other.

[Sn0man]

I went through the "bad boy" stage when I was younger but now that I'm almost 27, I want a good guy. I don't want someone who plays games and can't be in a committed relationship because at the end of the day, I want to get married. I have met men like this also; just the other day I met a guy who was just sick of everything thought I was a great girl and after one date was ready to get married. And honestly, if I was attracted to him maybe I would who knows? LOL But everyone reaches their breaking point at different times.

 

Ahhh, the common downfall of the so-called 'nice guys'. They're girly.

 

I've read so many of these 'nice guy' threads they're starting to make me dizzy. I've found that women want a MAN. That doesn't mean you need to be a jerk. Just don't be a wimp. See bolded section above for what wimpy guys tend to do so very often, and what turns women off from them.

[Day_Walker]

In my opinion a girl can have any reason or justification as to why she didnt date or want to date nice/good guys (or whatever else you want to call them) in their past. However a lot of these women seem to want to come back to nice guys because the other type of guy wouldnt work out.

 

It seems to me that women are only doing this out of necessity, because it took these women time to realize it would work out better with a nice or good guy.

 

Of course truly nice guys are going welcome these girls but the fact that these good/nice guys are only good after this realization doesnt sit well with me.

[clobsy]

When I was younger, I wasn't looking for anything long-term. I was looking for some fun. The kind of guys who give you that fun are the passionate ones that will fight with you and ride motorcycles. WHen I turned 23, I realized that I wanted a good guy because I want to settle down and create a family. Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't think that women turn down good guys. I think they turn down wimpy, unexciting guys who let people walk all over them.

 

I don't think you've been passed over. Just because you haven't found the right one doesn't mean there is a great conspiracy reason that women have.

 

This is a great reply.

 

The nice guys and the mature ones are usually plain boring.... They also don't have the courage to pull the girl's leg occasionally... And they really cannot give the excitement that women crave at that young age.

[bostonbruins24]

I am not sure what your definition of nice /good guys is ? A so called bad boy likely may do better with women not because of his ''bad boy characteristics'' but because he often has confidence[whether it is real or just plain arrogance]that some women seem attracted to. Often a bad boy gets rejected just as much as a nice guy but he usually writes it off rather quickly as there being something wrong with her ,not him.It just isn't that black and white to assume if you acted more like a bad boy you would have a better success ratio with women .

[Sn0man]

I am not sure what your definition of nice /good guys is ? A so called bad boy likely may do better with women not because of his ''bad boy characteristics'' but because he often has confidence[whether it is real or just plain arrogance]that some women seem attracted to. Often a bad boy gets rejected just as much as a nice guy but he usually writes it off rather quickly as there being something wrong with her ,not him.It just isn't that black and white to assume if you acted more like a bad boy you would have a better success ratio with women .

Bingo! Great observation - and right on point.

[HouseKitten]

I've found that women want a MAN. That doesn't mean you need to be a jerk. Just don't be a wimp.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking I don't want to date a complete jerk, but I also don't want a man I can walk all over, has no opinions for himself and puts me on a pedestal.

 

You can be a good person and still tease a girl, banter with her, stand up for yourself and have some balls.

[servedcold]

Ahhh, the common downfall of the so-called 'nice guys'. They're girly.

 

Get your point, and want to expand it some.

 

Not a fan of the niceguy/bad boy debate semantically, though everyone "seems" to know what is being talked about, the definitions of the terms aren't really objectively meaningful. However...

 

Ironically, the bad boys, in major ways, are more "girly" than the nice guys. Preening towards a certain look, looking to quibble over trivial matters, stirring up drama, wearing their emotions on their sleeve, acting pouty when they don't get their way, having their feelings hurt, getting their way indirectly and guilefully instead of directly. Watch a soap opera, all of the male characters will be "bad boys" in one way or another, and will look very masculine, but when the surface is scratched, they are just different versions of the female characters with male apparatus.

 

Take the show LOST, all of the male leads, despite being very good looking actors, have more feminine traits than truly masculine. There is not a single "real man" on that show, maybe Locke, the zealot, who is there to keep guys watching, but notice that he never gets play from the women, and he certainly isn't what one would typically call a "nice" guy.

 

James Dean, a pouty little princess who can't fit into the male world, Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, turning him into a boxer can't hide the fact that he sits and wallows around in emotions. Marlon Brando again, Streetcar Named Desire, same thing. Most bad boys in film and TV are actually more little girls than men.

 

The ultimate "real man" in the movies, Marlon Brando as Don Corleone in the Godfather, isn't fawned on by women, his sexual life or attractiveness isn't even an issue in the film, not once. His power comes directly from his will, his masculinity, his self-possession and control, his security, not from whether or not he is accepted by women. But his impulsive, weak, girly-man son Sonny is off in the closet banging a girl at the wedding.

 

All entertainment, so questionable examples, but some telling.

 

Culturally, Don Juan/Giovanni, the ultimate "bad boy" bedding thousands of women, but in reality so vain and insecure that he has to "prove" himself over and over by asserting his sexual prowess and acceptability to women. He has to run back to mama's teat at every opportunity, figuratively at least, what a little girl!

 

When women say they want excitement, often "excitement" means a masculine "looking" guy who acts like an impulsive woman that she can drag into her infinite drama. He needs a motorcycle, or other toys, tattoos, etc., to feel like the man he is not really inside The "nice" guys just don't have such petty motivations in life, are relatively secure in themselves, but are not as attractive because they don't know how to get down in the mud and act like an emotionally immature little girl. They don't need to do stunts or cartwheels for the girls because they are fairly secure in their masculinity. Being like that is just not on their radar because they actually are the real men. They don't get laid as much, because though they want it, they don't "need" it like the bad boy does to affirm their masculinity.

[ellandroader]

Served cold...that was a great response, thanks. I think your answer was the one I am looking for. I actually wasn't trying to spark a nice guy/bad guy standoff here, I was just curious as to why some women tend to lean towards a more stable guy later on. That's what I should have said in the first place.

 

When I was younger, I wasn't looking for anything long-term. I was looking for some fun. The kind of guys who give you that fun are the passionate ones that will fight with you and ride motorcycles. WHen I turned 23, I realized that I wanted a good guy because I want to settle down and create a family. Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't think that women turn down good guys. I think they turn down wimpy, unexciting guys who let people walk all over them.

 

I don't think you've been passed over. Just because you haven't found the right one doesn't mean there is a great conspiracy reason that women have.

 

Thanks for this....fair point though I don't believe in conspiracies either.

 

Ahhh, the common downfall of the so-called 'nice guys'. They're girly.

 

I've read so many of these 'nice guy' threads they're starting to make me dizzy. I've found that women want a MAN. That doesn't mean you need to be a jerk. Just don't be a wimp. See bolded section above for what wimpy guys tend to do so very often, and what turns women off from them.

 

Sn0man...if something makes you dizzy repeatedly, then stop doing it, haha. Nah, I see what you are saying and again I agree. However I am anything but a wimp. My definition of a good guy is someone who is kind, compassionate and morally level, but not girly and not a pushover.

 

I am not sure what your definition of nice /good guys is ? A so called bad boy likely may do better with women not because of his ''bad boy characteristics'' but because he often has confidence[whether it is real or just plain arrogance]that some women seem attracted to. Often a bad boy gets rejected just as much as a nice guy but he usually writes it off rather quickly as there being something wrong with her ,not him.It just isn't that black and white to assume if you acted more like a bad boy you would have a better success ratio with women .

 

I just re-read my original post and I don't think I even mentioned bad boys anywhere. If my thinking was that black and white, I wouldn't even be asking these questions! I would say a nice guy is someone who can get walked over, perhaps acts too soft and girly and clings on for dear life. A good guy is a decent guy, with a lot of strong positive qualities and a respect for women, but not an unhealthy one and has the balls to stand up for himself. Both in my opinion get lumped together.

 

It was a conversation with a friend of mine that sparked this debate. She had said that from the latter 20's onwards, she felt that many women shifted their attention to the more stable/reliable/"good type" guys. So I asked "why"?

[viajera]

I think there's definitely something to the statement that women are attracted to so-called "bad boys" when they're younger. The bad boys tend to be confident - and most people (men and women alike) tend to be attracted to confident people.

 

I think another thing that's going on is that the "bad boys" are who are out there, approaching women, asking them out, going to the bars and clubs, etc. Basically, that's who the women meet...while the "nice guys" either are at home, or are at the bars/clubs but too timid to approach a woman they like.

 

Or, as others have mentioned, the nice guys just go too over-the-top and get too clingy, something which scares off many women (for a tell-it-like-it-is but rather - well, the name of the blog, Heartless * * * * * es, says it all - summary of this see: link removed * * * * * link removed). Personally I think this rant is over the top, and some of the things she complains about here I think are unwarranted, but I present it as one persons' opinion (not mine).

 

Then there are the "Nice Guys ™", who think they're nice but are really rather narcissistic and women-hating (see, e.g., link removed or , but that's a whole other ballpark altogether and one that doesn't apply to you, Dan.

[stella74]

Another reason is that many women become more confident with age and their self-esteem increases (hopefully), so they realize they deserve more stable, healthy men. I attracted a lot of stereotypical bad boys in my 20s and it wasn't until I hit my 30s that I realized those guys weren't good for me. There were probably good guys who were attracted to me too in my 20s, but I didn't know how to recognize the signals that they were interested until I got older. I think the only reason I ended up with a good guy for my first relationship is because we were best friends first and he made the first move.

[JusticeLaw9]

The biological clock begins to tick for most women as they run into their late twenties and into their early thirties; to sum it up. By then they're ready to settle down and began to look for something more stable and more serious after they feel as if they've "gotten it out" of their system.

[yumicecream]

What about John Wayne? He always got play and he was definetly not girly!

[COtuner]

Hmmm... based on recent events in my life I seem to be in a phase where I need someone exciting and challenging in my life. The three who seemed like "nice" guys turned out to be real a-holes and dealing with their whiny and controlling behavior (stemmed in serious insecurity) has driven me to wanting a very masculine man who is content in his masculinity and likes to live life to the fullest.

 

Had no idea this was coming, but I had a bit of a bolt of lighting moment last week and I think that's where I am for now. So I think I'd still go for a good guy, just not a good dull guy... does that make sense?

[JenniferSNJ]

I'm the perfect example of this. I have ALWAYS been attracted to a*****. I'm not even going to call them bad boys. Just plain jerks. They were always VERY sweet with me, but eventually their true colors showed.

 

I have made a decision since my ex to seek NICE GUYS because I want someone who treats me well that I can develop a deep meaningful relationship with. I just think it's a part of maturing. Although, I still struggle with it because honestly, I'm still very attracted to a******. Challenge and the rush. But I'm trying to use my head in this too- I know that the relationship I want needs to be created with a sincerely good guy.

[ProtestTheHero]

In my opinion a girl can have any reason or justification as to why she didnt date or want to date nice/good guys (or whatever else you want to call them) in their past. However a lot of these women seem to want to come back to nice guys because the other type of guy wouldnt work out.

 

It seems to me that women are only doing this out of necessity, because it took these women time to realize it would work out better with a nice or good guy.

 

Of course truly nice guys are going welcome these girls but the fact that these good/nice guys are only good after this realization doesnt sit well with me.

 

This is actually something I've thought for a while. Some women chase bad boys for the (Insert whatever reason here), and then once they're burned enough they say, "Ok, let's play it safe here and roll with the nice guys." They go out, have their cake, and then come to nice guys and expect to eat it, too. Nice guys are often so god damn surprised that anyone would actually show interest in them that they eat up the attention without question and jump into a relationship with these women.

 

If I knew a woman went through some bad boy phase, I wouldn't waste my time on her. She should chase what she enjoys, and I'm not going to be anyone's safe Plan B option that they can fall back on once things don't work out with the other dudes. Forget that.

[ProtestTheHero]

Sometimes it's not "playing it safe," sometimes its just that they've experienced something different and learned from their experiences. They've matured.

 

Lots of men sleep around and then get older and settle down with a "good" girl. What's the big deal or difference?

 

There is no difference. However, I've known this "life lesson" or whatever you want to call it for a long time now, and I'm only 19. It's not something that is particularly hard to grasp, as I'm hardly what anyone would call precocious.

 

I don't think it's an issue of maturing as much as it's an issue of being burned. A lot of these people who've "matured" have only done so after tons of negative experiences, and I imagine once you get your heart crushed enough times you prefer to date safer options.

 

Most nice guys are desperate enough that they won't question or screen any of the interest that a woman shows them, though, so it's not like it matters.

[ProtestTheHero]

If you know any woman who's grown out of her bad boy phase without being burned by that bad boy, then obviously that doesn't fit the general rule I'm using here. There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule, and if you happen to be that exception -- ok. I'm just saying that the majority of women I've known that have "grown out" of that phase have only done so when the guy treated them poorly. If you don't think that's what happens the majority of the time -- ok. Fair enough. But I don't know you, so I obviously can't speak to your specific situation -- I can only speak generally.

 

If that makes me close-minded, oh well. I'll live.

[servedcold]

Wanted to clarify that all the references to "girly man" nice boys in my last post were not meant to be derogatory to girls, but were used because someone claimed that "nice guys" are more "girly" and was referencing snoman's reply to that in my post.

 

Oh, and John Wayne had women, but the relationship usually developed over time, and was of the more mature type between a mature man and a mature woman. He wasn't pouting around on the fringes because he couldn't function in adult society ala James Dean.

[itsallgrand]

 

It was a conversation with a friend of mine that sparked this debate. She had said that from the latter 20's onwards, she felt that many women shifted their attention to the more stable/reliable/"good type" guys. So I asked "why"?

 

A lot of us just take that long to grow up.

 

Men and women both. A lot of us simply take a big playtime and me-time before being ready for the sort of commitment that being with a level and emotionally healthy and mature person takes. It ups the stakes; more is required of a person.

 

That sort of "good" one also won't stand for all the bs that will be tolerated by a "bad" one. They may think of it often in terms of being "passed by" but in reality, they wouldn't last long with one who is not ready for that anyways. It would turn them off rather quickly.

[COtuner]

If you know any woman who's grown out of her bad boy phase without being burned by that bad boy, then obviously that doesn't fit the general rule I'm using here. There are ALWAYS exceptions to every rule, and if you happen to be that exception -- ok. I'm just saying that the majority of women I've known that have "grown out" of that phase have only done so when the guy treated them poorly. If you don't think that's what happens the majority of the time -- ok. Fair enough. But I don't know you, so I obviously can't speak to your specific situation -- I can only speak generally.

 

If that makes me close-minded, oh well. I'll live.

 

 

Hmmm, does that mean I've grown out of a nice guy phase since the nice guys turned out to be jerks? Maybe it's human nature to simply be attracted to what you need at that moment - just as your tastes in a lot of other things change over time. To me I think it's all timing. I look back on the guys I've dated and most of them I would not be attracted to anymore because my tastes and wants changed so much over the years (physically or personality wise).

[ProtestTheHero]

Hmmm, does that mean I've grown out of a nice guy phase since the nice guys turned out to be jerks? Maybe it's human nature to simply be attracted to what you need at that moment - just as your tastes in a lot of other things change over time. To me I think it's all timing. I look back on the guys I've dated and most of them I would not be attracted to anymore because my tastes and wants changed so much over the years (physically or personality wise).

 

I guess that depends on whether or not we're defining nice guys as literally being nice or just being wusses. If they're truly nice guys, they wouldn't be jerks. Some people are just pretty good at putting on a front. They do what you want them to do and say what you want to hear in the beginning and wait for you to start becoming emotionally invested in the relationship so that you won't leave when they bust out the true colors.

 

Maybe you're tired of the false pretenses that come with a lot of these so-called nice guys. That's certainly understandable, but I don't really know your situation either. When a guy refers to himself as a nice guy, he probably isn't one, lol, so it's important to recognize how effective of a manipulation tool that some of this stuff can be.

 

Yeah, tastes do change.

 

Sometimes I prefer to be around extroverted people or introverted people, or people who enjoy certain activities, etc., but I'm always pretty much looking for the same core personality traits in people that I feel are important when it comes to LTR's.