Am I Being Selfish

[thouse]

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 6 years, we went through a break up about a year and a half ago and during that time he got someone else pregnant. Me and him do not have any kids together but I do have a son from a previous relationship.

 

Anyway we decided to get back together before the baby was born and I am supposed to be moving in with him at the end of this month. Up until Saturday I had never seen this baby I think he kept him away from me because he knew it was touchy subject for me, as I feel cheated by this whole situation.

 

The baby is a year now and he shows up to my aunt's bar b que with him, I felt sick to my stomach the whole time, he was just so proud of his son and I felt so sad about it. I feel bad for feeling this way. The next day was Mother's Day and he called me, but I felt like "hey I don't have any kids with you so whatever" I didn't say this to him, but he could probably sense it. He called me later that day and I didn't answer, and he called a couple of times yesterday and I didn't answer. I just don't feel good about this, and eventhough I knew the situation its so much different when you actually have to deal with it, and frankly I don't know if I can or want to.

 

Well I guess my question is am I being selfish? I need to make some decisions about what I want to do by the end of this week but I am really at a loss right now.

[Duckie198100]

If this is really a point of contention, you seriously need to rethink the relationship. he needs to be in his child's life. He can't undo the past, and you were broken up at the time. That doesn't make it right, but it does mean that he has his responsibilities. If you can't accept and love the child too, how can you have a lifelong relationship with this man? Accepting him is accepting his child too, despite the circumstances of how it came to be.

[thouse]

If this is really a point of contention, you seriously need to rethink the relationship. he needs to be in his child's life. He can't undo the past, and you were broken up at the time. That doesn't make it right, but it does mean that he has his responsibilities. If you can't accept and love the child too, how can you have a lifelong relationship with this man? Accepting him is accepting his child too, despite the circumstances of how it came to be.

I think that is what I am taking this week to do, really think about this and if I can handle it. It wouldn't be fair to him or his child if I harbored resentment, but at this point I do.

[quirky]

I really understand you, this is hard. The problem is fundamentaly trust, when you got back together the baby wasn't there and even later it was at a distance. Now at the bbq it was there in front of you representing what has happened. Personally break or no break I wouldn't have been able to get back together with him cos he didn't just have a fling he left someone pregnant, that is bound to hurt. I really don't know what you can do sweetie..does he feel like the one? Are you willing to make this efforts, do you feel it's worth your time, can you get over the trust issues?

[Qut81]

I was in this situation before and I couldnt handle it. My ex got his childs mother preg again and when I tried to leave he said I wasnt "supporting him" in his time of need. It just got to be way too stressful.

 

Seeing the baby was a visual reminder of him actually having a child. Before, it was prob just in the back of your mind but you know as a mother yourself, that his kid is going to come first. If you show any signs you are not ready for this or you resent him, this is not going to work. If you really want to be with him, I would re-evaluate your feelings and try to get over it. If you cant do that, I suggest you leave the situation.

 

Im so sorry you have to go thru this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your feelings are understandable. The child is a constant reminder of what he got up to during the time you were broken up. The child will always be part of him now...but he accepted that you have a son with someone else. Your feelings are your feelings...but try to remember that whatever he may have been feeling about your child, he dealt with it and overcame it in order to be with you. So now is the time to determine if you can deal with him having a child by someone else.

[thouse]

Your feelings are understandable. The child is a constant reminder of what he got up to during the time you were broken up. The child will always be part of him now...but he accepted that you have a son with someone else. Your feelings are your feelings...but try to remember that whatever he may have been feeling about your child, he dealt with it and overcame it in order to be with you. So now is the time to determine if you can deal with him having a child by someone else.

Crazy,

 

My son is nine years old we got together when he was 3, he also has another son that is 13, so he was 7. It's not the fact of having children from someone else persay because I am fine with his first son, it's the fact that while we were broken up it happened again. I bet if I had gotten pregnant while we were broken up he would not want to be with me now?? He brought another issue into a hard enough situation. Definitely not the child's fault and that is why I am rethinking this, because I know his father is going to be in his life, he's not a deadbeat. Yes, he accepted my son but he had a son also so how could he not. I don't have another child, and I did not act irresponsibly.

[thouse]

I was in this situation before and I couldnt handle it. My ex got his childs mother preg again and when I tried to leave he said I wasnt "supporting him" in his time of need. It just got to be way too stressful.

 

Seeing the baby was a visual reminder of him actually having a child. Before, it was prob just in the back of your mind but you know as a mother yourself, that his kid is going to come first. If you show any signs you are not ready for this or you resent him, this is not going to work. If you really want to be with him, I would re-evaluate your feelings and try to get over it. If you cant do that, I suggest you leave the situation.

 

Im so sorry you have to go thru this.

I know he is watching me, he watched me the whole time on Saturday. Kids are so smart that child could feel the tension, he would run up to me and smile and talk in baby babble, and for the moment I wasn't mad but that quickly faded.

 

You are from Tampa, I live in Tampa too.

[DN]

I don't think it is fair to blame him for what happened while you were broken up - and how do you know how he would have reacted if the situation were reversed? At best that is hypothetical - no one can predict how people can react when the situation is real - people often surprise us.

 

People have 'baggage' in life. Stuff happens and they have responsibilities as a result that they have a moral duty to uphold. Would you respect him if he turned his back on the baby?

 

When you really love someone you take them 'for better or worse' because real love is about the person you love as much as it is about you. You want what's best for them as well as for you. You are proud of their accomplishments, you sympathise with the failures, you support them in the things that they have to do as a decent human being that and you make sacrifices for them - not just of money and time but emotional sacrifices too.

 

So if you can't do that then you should question if your love for him is strong enough to sustain a relationship. Because these feelings you have are not really about him - they are about you.

[thouse]

Hi DN,

 

I actually looked for your name to see if you were the moderator of this room ,because you have been commenting about this for me since the beginning if you remember me. I agree that people make mistakes, but I asked him if he be able to be with me if the tables had been turned and he said that he doesn't think he could. I know he can't really be sure what he would have done, but I have a strong feeling that he wouldn't.

 

If he turned his back on his son I would not respect him and that is why I don't have anything to say when it comes to that situation, I let him handle things anyway he sees fit.

 

You lost me when you said that my feelings aren't about him they are about me. They are very much about him and what he has done. I can't help that I feel betrayed by him.

[DN]

Well, he hasn't done anything wrong that I can see. I get that he said he couldn't be with you and that isn't cool although if had happened in reality it might be different. But his feelings aren't your feelings. It's not really about how he might react in a hypothetical situation but how you react in this real situation.

 

Basically, it comes down to you deciding if you will be more happy with him or without him. And with him will mean with his child. You know it's no good wishing things could be different because they aren't and won't be.

[Hope75]

To be honest this child was conceived when you were broken up so he didn't cheat you in any way. I can understand it may be a reminder of a difficult time for you given that you were broken up, but the child is here now, and was conceived at a time when he had no loyalty to you so honestly when you chose to get back together with him I can only assume that you considered this baby would be a part of his life and therefore your life, no?

 

It's OK if you aren't comfortable with the fact that he has a child with someone else, but to be with him and exclude the child or feel negatively towards the child is unfair, that is his child and he deserves two parents who love him and are involved, and you being in his father's life means you are involved too. Some partners are a package deal, and this is one of those deals, you take the father you take the son too.

 

Maybe it's time to ask yourself if you really can get past this and be a supportive partner to your bf and his son, and if your honest answer is no, don't fault yourself, but seriously consider if you should be with him given how you feel.

 

Let me ask you, have you tried getting to know the baby and spending time with him? Who knows, you may fall in love with him and actually enjoy being a part of his life.

[thouse]

I know it's not right to exclude the baby, that is why I am seriously rethinking this. I feel cheated because I would have liked to have a child with him eventually, and now I don't think he really wants more children so really in my eyes I would be settling.

 

And as far as getting to know the baby, I made that very same point to him, he didn't bring him around me, (because he knew my feelings were hurt.) but I feel like if he had brought him around sooner I would be past this now, but who's to say?

 

I did think about it, but it wasn't really real until I saw him, now I am not sure.

[Hope75]

I know it's not right to exclude the baby, that is why I am seriously rethinking this. I feel cheated because I would have liked to have a child with him eventually, and now I don't think he really wants more children so really in my eyes I would be settling.

 

And as far as getting to know the baby, I made that very same point to him, he didn't bring him around me, (because he knew my feelings were hurt.) but I feel like if he had brought him around sooner I would be past this now, but who's to say?

 

I did think about it, but it wasn't really real until I saw him, now I am not sure.

 

Have you actually talked to your boyfriend about wanting children of your own someday and has he actually told you he does not want any more children?

 

As for him not bringing the baby around you more, if you feel as you do and he knows that I can see why he didn't, but honestly it was a mistake you are both responsible for, as if you want to be with him than getting to know his son is going to be critical (esp. if you plan to move in with him soon) and he needs to encourage that- but I suspect he may have been waiting for some sort of OK by you.

 

It's sad that he feels ashamed to bring his child around his partner, but the past is the past and there isn't much you can do about that now, but you can encourage him to bring the baby around more and verbalize a desire to get to know the baby and become more involved, esp. if he shares custody or has visitation, since living with him you will be there for much of that time too.

[thouse]

I have openly discussed children, the first time he said something like "You are in a very good position you only have one child and are working on your career" I.E. I really don't want more children. The second time I asked him about it, he said "Well just let me have some time, maybe a year or so, we our finances are better and then if you still want a baby we can do it. I think at that point he was just trying to appease me because I truly believe he wants to be with me.

 

The child's mother has just let him start taking the baby for the day as of last week. He was going to the nursery to see him before, so I am sure she doesn't really want me around her child because she mad about the situation. Or I know for fact she doesn't, but things look to be changing and you are right if I move in I will be around most of the time he has him. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries either, as this is their child not mine.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I went through your other posts and it seems like he jumped into the other relationship within a month after you two broke up. Essentially a rebound, she got pregnant and he went back to you while she was pregnant. I can understand why you would be resentful...he bounced from your bed to hers and produced a baby with her. It wasn't even a real relationship with her, just some very rash decisions on his part. I also read a previous thread where you said he didn't seem keen on marriage to you? So where exactly is this relationship heading. You have been with him on and off for 6 years. Has his commitment issues been sorted out? Perhaps part of what you are feeling has to do with how committed he really is to you. He may have been broken up with you at the time he had sex with this other woman and made a baby with her, but it is perfectly understandable that you feel betrayed because it is a slap in the face to what the two of you had shared, and now he came back after the damage was done. The bottom line is that you have to either accept it and stay, or not accept it and move on. He can't undo the past.

[thouse]

Exactly it's a slap in the face, like what we had meant nothing. You went and created a problem and now you want me to just get accustomed to it. That is how I feel at the moment.

 

As far as marriage goes, I am not even sure I want to be married to him actually. He seems all gung ho about the relationship and me not so much. Funny how that happens.

 

She was someone he didn't know well enough to even think about having a baby with but he did. He didn't think about my feelings at all. Yes, we were broken up but still I would have thought about his.

 

But the bottom line is I need to make a decision and that is why I am taking this time out to do so.

 

He gets tired of hearing and talking about it, and me too.

[Hope75]

I have openly discussed children, the first time he said something like "You are in a very good position you only have one child and are working on your career" I.E. I really don't want more children. The second time I asked him about it, he said "Well just let me have some time, maybe a year or so, we our finances are better and then if you still want a baby we can do it.

 

That's a pretty big assumption. Perhaps a more direct conversation about it as in "I would like to have a child of my own at some point. Is that something you are interested in with me, if our relationship progresses?"

 

 

Exactly it's a slap in the face, like what we had meant nothing. You went and created a problem and now you want me to just get accustomed to it. That is how I feel at the moment.

 

As far as marriage goes, I am not even sure I want to be married to him actually. He seems all gung ho about the relationship and me not so much. Funny how that happens.

 

She was someone he didn't know well enough to even think about having a baby with but he did. He didn't think about my feelings at all. Yes, we were broken up but still I would have thought about his.

 

But the bottom line is I need to make a decision and that is why I am taking this time out to do so.

 

He gets tired of hearing and talking about it, and me too.

 

I don't see it like this at all. You were broken up, they had sex, and the inevitable consequence of irresponsible sex is pregnancy and a child, and they both assumed responsibility when that happened. It's certainly not the ideal way to conceive a child, but honestly, how many people get into rebound relationships and have sex with new people after a break up? Read this forum- a lot. How many people have irresponsible sex? Read this forum- a lot! Should they have been more careful? Yes, but they are far from alone in that, and when she did get pregnant they stepped up and are raising the child.

 

You may view the baby as a 'problem', but does your boyfriend or the baby's mother feel that way about him?

 

 

And honestly, if he's a 'problem' for you, why are you with your boyfriend? If you can't get past this why even bother being with him?

 

I haven't read your past threads about this guy, but if it's true he isn't interested in a commitment with you and if that's what you want than it certainly would seem you are wasting your time- but again based only on what CAD has said about your past threads, you are aware of his lack of desire for commitment and aware that you want one and are still with him anyway.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It really doesn't matter what happens to other people...that doesn't invalidate how she is feeling. I can understand why it is a huge slap in the face when you are replaced so quickly and then the outcome is a child. Yes, theoretically he was not doing anything wrong by having sex with someone else since they were broken up...but emotions and feelings don't only go by what is "legal". I see so many posts on this forum where people are told to "just get over it" when the ex rebounds and then comes back to them. But, it is not so easy to emotionally deal with the thought of the ex jumping from your bed to another person's bed. In this case the child is a constant reminder of that fact. While one may argue that if she really loved him she would put it behind her...but by the same token one can also argue that if he really loved her he wouldn't have slept with someone else so soon after they broke up. Which way is right? There is no right or wrong answer when dealing with feelings and emotions. It is not a question of love. He banged someone else because he was trying to deal with the break up...and now, if she chooses to remain with him she will be forever reminded of his foolish choice.

[Hope75]

I see so many posts on this forum where people are told to "just get over it" when the ex rebounds and then comes back to them. But, it is not so easy to emotionally deal with the thought of the ex jumping from your bed to another person's bed.

 

 

 

Bottom line here is that she is choosing to be with him knowing that he now has this child as a result of a brief affair/relationship and part of that is accepting the child and moving forward in order to have a healthy relationship. She is aware of his past behavior, aware that he moved into another relationship quickly and still chose to take him back and be with him. If she felt that being with someone else so quickly was such a sin than she could have chosen not to take him back- but she chose to be with him knowing this. Holding it over his head isn't going to get them anywhere and if that is something she can't get past there is absolutely no shame in admitting you can't and choosing not to be with him because of it.

 

I never said I didn't understand that her feelings were hurt, and never said that it was wrong to feel that way-- only if she chooses to be with him that it is something she is going to have to learn to accept and get past, since obviously asking the child to pay for her hurt and resentment is completely unfair, and asking her bf to do so is also unfair because she chooses to be with him knowing this.

[Qut81]

I know he is watching me, he watched me the whole time on Saturday. Kids are so smart that child could feel the tension, he would run up to me and smile and talk in baby babble, and for the moment I wasn't mad but that quickly faded.

 

You are from Tampa, I live in Tampa too.

 

Yup, I live in Tampa. Love it here! Except for these dam love bugs...

 

Anyway, yes kids are VERY smart. Isnt so strange how they can just sense things about ppl? Do you think you will get used to the situation?

[thouse]

Yup, I live in Tampa. Love it here! Except for these dam love bugs...

 

Anyway, yes kids are VERY smart. Isnt so strange how they can just sense things about ppl? Do you think you will get used to the situation?

I don't know as this weekend was the first time I actually had to face it. I think that is a big part of why I am reacting like this. You know how you know something, but until you are actually faced with it it's not really real? Well for the last year that is how it's been.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know me, and I know I couldnt deal with it, like CAD said its a constant reminder he moved on so quickly after you and dint take a long time to get over you. Its a reminder he was irresponsible and got someone pregnant.

 

You say hes gung ho about the relationship and doesnt want kids with you, despite the fact he had a kid with someone (yes it was an accident) he'd known for two seconds :S

[thouse]

I understand people make mistakes, but that still doesn't erase the way I feel about it. And if he were in the situation I was in , I am quite sure he wouldn't so "oh let's just get over it already" about it, but we will never know now will we?

 

Holding it over his head will not get us anywhere that is very true, but since this was my very first time having to physically deal with this I think that the way I feel at this point is justifiable.

 

Yes, I took him back knowing full well what was going on, I did it because I love him, but until actually being faced with the situation I really didn't know what to expect.

 

I do think this is a problem, not the child persay but the situation. We are both from situations where we are not with the people we had kids from, he knew how difficult things could be.

 

Finally, I would never want to harm the baby in anyway which is why I need to make a decision about this.

[thouse]

I know me, and I know I couldnt deal with it, like CAD said its a constant reminder he moved on so quickly after you and dint take a long time to get over you. Its a reminder he was irresponsible and got someone pregnant.

 

You say hes gung ho about the relationship and doesnt want kids with you, despite the fact he had a kid with someone (yes it was an accident) he'd known for two seconds :S

I don't think it's me he doesn't want to have kids with, I think it's just the fact that he already has two, that financially he doesn't want more, I don't think it has anything to do with me personally, but yes he had a baby with a stranger.