really need advice on what to do,please help!

[hisgirl0507]

Ok i feel like im stuck at a crossroads in my life and nothing is goin right,to cut a long story short...me and my ex were together for about 2 years,we broke up about 2 years ago(im the dumpee)and have kept in close contact since.My ex moved away after we split up but still came up to visit me quite a lot and eventually last summer he asked me to move to where he had moved to and try to work things out(this was last summer).Things were going well,i was living at the place he stays when he goes to work(he lives about an hour away from there)and then in November he said he thought itd be a good idea if i got a houseshare as i was only seeing him about 2 nights a week and he wanted me to have company.So when i did this he called me to say he didnt think things were going to work out but we could still be friends,we never officially got back together.He continued to keep in touch and we met up about once a week and he would sometimes stay over,then about a month later i found out through Facebook that he had a girlfriend!I kept this to myself for another month to see if he would tell me about it,which he never but he continued to see me.Then i told him i knew and he apologised....but conmtinued to keep things the same,meeting up,staying over etc,the only thing that changed was that he changed his number and didnt give me the new 1 so now we keep in touch via email.For the past few months this has continued,i only ever hear from him on days when hes at work or when he comes over,the last time i heard from him was tuesday and the last time i saw him was 2 sundays ago when he stayed over.

 

After getting good advice on this forum i decided to do nc.I do want him back(i know most of you will probably think im crazy for this but i do love him and when i see him he treats me nice)but i just dont know how to go about doing this.

 

I moved here basically cos he asked me to so we could try and sort things and now im trying to make the decision whether i should stay or go home.I want your opinions on what you guys think.And do you think if i stay it will increase my chances of us getting back together or do you think there is more chance if i go home.Help much appreciated please.Thanks.

[Duckie198100]

How long do you plan on waiting for him to grow up? He is not committed to you or his girlfriend obviously. He's cheating on her because he is seeing you and spending the night with you.

 

Personally, I would leave this guy in the dust, go complete NC and move back home where you have a support system. Dont' be this guys backup because he won't respect you for it. I think you jumped the gun a bit moving to be closer to him, and it has backfired on you.

 

Take care of yourself, don't be this guys doormat.

[IMAbadman]

So how did you feel about being the other woman? I mean come on he's got a girlfriend and when he wants a little different koochie he pulls you out of the toy box. Personally... I'd be pissed. He’s lied to you, used/using you, and obviously has ZERO respect for you.

 

I can only imagine he kept calling you his ‘friend’ but was sleeping with you when ever you’d let him rumble in your jungle. Hun, where’s your self respect?

 

You sure you really want to be with this piece of work? Long term it’s only going to cause you more pain. His loss of respect for you, him knowing that you allowed him to treat you and continue to treat you this was, will only resurface. It will not last. Trust me…

 

Get out now. Or you could read on… (If you’re into denial)

 

OK… so you love the schlup. I think no contact is appropriate prefaced with the discussion that you will NOT be some woman on the side. He’s either with you or without you, period. Let him know that you want not further contact from him unless he wishes to work towards building a relationship. This may work, it may not. He’ll argue that, “We’re just friends…” and it’s been great being friends (since you were putting out so often) but let him know that’s not cutting it. It's key that you stick to your guns. If you're wishy washy he'll walk all over you and be sniffing through your panties before you know it. It's all or nothing. You must be prepared to walk away if he will not meet your expectations.

 

Good luck hun. I still say nix’em.

[hisgirl0507]

thankyou both for your advice.i have went 3 days nc and from this space and reading what you have both written i feel like i am starting to wake up and see that yes he probably is just using me and although he cares about me,it isnt enough to make him want to get back together,he probably doesnt love me like he did if he can treat me as his bit on the side.

 

tomorrow will be a big test for me as hes back to work so i might hear from him.So if he does,do i reply? What kind of messages would you reccommend are okay to reply to or would you say just not to reply period?

[hisgirl0507]

im having a really hard time today.Basically i though i wouldve heard from my ex today and nothing.Im wondering whats up and if he has maybe somehow saw my posts on here if he is on here too and freaked out or is maybe leaving me to move on,maybe he wants to move on.All these things are going through my mind right now and im so scared that im losing him and even if we dont get back together i want him in my life at least as a friend.I really want to contact him.

 

What should i do?

[hisgirl0507]

i ended up emailing my ex,just a casual how u doin 1 but no reply.....and now i feel like crap and hate that he has this control over me,he doesnt even deserve to talk to me right now im so annoyed but upset at the same time....a warning not to break nc.back to day 1 tomorrow.

 

sorry to keep ranting on but i like to hear peoples opinions on mys ituation,it helps to have that support.i feel really stupid and like ive been kidding myself all this time.And ok there could be any number of reasons why he hasnt replied,hes maybe not even at work today but if he is you would think that he would miss me and maybe want to contact me after 4 days...but no he doesnt care,its like the relationship just doesnt exist to him anymore.I think getting angry at him is helping me see things in a different way and at this point im actually really considering going home to the people who actually care about me.Although sometimes he does care it seems like its only when he wants something,hes been there for me through so much and it upsets me that i might not have him there anymore,i miss him and just wish he would contact so i have the reassurance that he still cares about me and wants me in his life.

[mikel01]

i ended up emailing my ex,just a casual how u doin 1 but no reply.....and now i feel like crap and hate that he has this control over me,he doesnt even deserve to talk to me right now im so annoyed but upset at the same time....a warning not to break nc.back to day 1 tomorrow.

 

yeah...i know the feeling. this is why i refuse to email him first. in fact i blocked his emails so that I wouldn't have to see them in case he does try to email me.

[hisgirl0507]

i feel like crap today..i sent 2 emails to my ex yesterday....he didnt reply to either.I should go back to nc today but im hoping to hear from him today and if i do i will end up replying out of desperation.

[hisgirl0507]

thanks for your reply,i think i do need to go home cos its driving me mad staying here. I just want to talk to my ex before i go,ive sent him 3 emails now and im drivin myself crazy wanting to sen another one cos he isnt replying and i dont know why.Im in emotional turmoil right now,cant stop crying,feel really depressed and ive got nobody to talk to right now.I even phoned the samaritans and they said i should go home.I just really want to talk to him.What have i done that makes him not reply,its really upsetting me,i cant stop crying and will probably feel like this until i can talk to him.I really feel like im going mad and am going to end up in a mental institution right now,hes messed up my head so much and he only he can make it right.

 

why cant he just email me back??

[Tanzi]

Because he doesn't have too.

 

He knows (or thinks he knows ... ha), that whatever his actions, you are going to be there for him.

 

Go back home. Dont say anything. Just do it. Take back control!! It wont be easy but eventually you will be proud of what you have done and you will gain strength from that. You deserve better than the "crumbs" he is chucking at you.

[becca0194]

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. I think the best thing to do is go home ASAP. How fast can you get out of there? I know you will feel better being away. It sounds like you have a lot of personal work to do with yourself. I think we have all been there at one point. Take this time to do that. Learn to make yourself feel good and not depend on him for it. This man only cares about himself. He is telling you very loud and clear messages. He changed his number and didn't give you the number, but still shows up to have sex with you? Why are you allowing this? You have done NOTHING that had caused him not to reply to you. It has nothing to do with you. It is him being a creep. I understand you want to be with him. Going home will give you a chance to perhaps see this more clearly and truly see how bad he treats you and the fact that will not change. You asked why he won't reply....the answer will sting, but it is because he simply does not want to. You deserve better. Keep posting here and using this board to help you. Don't worry about him seeing your posts. I doubt very much he is the type that would seek a self help board. Take this very moment in life to commit to taking care of YOU first. Move home. If he has a change of heart, let him come to you. Let him miss you. By calling or e-mailing, he won't miss you because you keep saying you are still there. If he does miss you, let him come to you. Let him show YOU he has changed. Make him prove it and only then should you even think about being with someone who causes you such pain. Hang in there. You can do this.

[IMAbadman]

Hun we gave you all the advice we can. You have to take the first step and help yourself.

 

Why are you contacting him... so he can use you some more? You know this is what is going to happen.

 

Why doesn't he contact you? Because he also knows he doesn't have to, you'll contact him begging and pleading. Then he'll come around use you and crap all over you leaving you hurting and alone again.

 

You need to get away from this situation. Do it for your own well being.

[hisgirl0507]

thanks for your replies,it helps to see things from other peoples perspective when mine is so cloudy. Ive been tryin to fool myself coming up with reasons why he may not have replied....he might not be at work,hes maybe busy and hasnt had time to check his emails,and even that cos hes good with computers that he might have my ip address and somehow hacked into my computer and seen my posts that way...its crazy i know!I guess i just need to try and accept the truth that he just doesnt want to reply thats the reality.Its just hard to get my head around though when he was fine last tuesday and was talking about the future when i last saw him two weeks ago.I know its his gfs birthday sometime this month and im wondering if this is making him feel guilty and this is the reason.Im just getting fed up with this rollercoaster of ups and downs and i now feel like i am truly ready for nc and to stick it out.It just seems harsh leaving without seeing him to say goodbye,but then i have warned him im thinking of going and he isnt even bothered enough to reply.If its because he isnt working this week then i may hear from him next week but i need to try not to get my hopes up and try not to reply.One of my mates is coming down to see me in two weeks so could get a lift back home with her as shes driving and could take all my stuff up too as i dont drive and have to take the train otherwise.The truth is i came here cos he asked me to,it hasnt worked out cos hes too selfish to try and work on it and im only sticking it out down here for him now that ive no job and havent really made a lot of close friends here.This is going to be one of the hardest things ive ever had to do,i dont think its sunk in yet what im about to do,ive known him for 4 years and its so hard just to walk away,i just cant believe he doesnt even care enough to reply.

[IMAbadman]

Quit doing this to yourself. Walk away. He has a girlfriend. He's using you. He comes around and uses you for sex and put you away used and wet.

 

Honey get mad! This guy is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR ENERGY! Quit worring about whether he'll reply or not. Who cares!! Be happy he gone and use it as a spring board to say, "TO HELL WITH YOU!!!"

[becca0194]

Quit doing this to yourself. Walk away. He has a girlfriend. He's using you. He comes around and uses you for sex and put you away used and wet.

 

Honey get mad! This guy is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR ENERGY! Quit worring about whether he'll reply or not. Who cares!! Be happy he gone and use it as a spring board to say, "TO HELL WITH YOU!!!"

 

I agree completely. If I were you, I wouldn't even wait the two weeks for a friend. Is there someone that can come pick you up?

 

Here is something to think about. You said two weeks ago everything was fine. Were you really happy two weeks ago? Two weeks ago he was with his girlfrien and using you, changed his # and the list goes on. He schmoozed you to get laid and you are taking that as things were good. Please to the chance to help yourself.

[Sheba]

Honey, I'm gonna be blunt with you and say how can he have respect for you when you're not respecting yourself? The fact is, he can't. He can't respect someone that gives their body up to him so easily and hasn't the dignity to refuse him due to him already being in a relationship.

 

He can't respect you - even if he wanted to - because you are not showing respect for yourself.

 

I know it's hard, sweetheart, but it's rare that all respondents to a post agree so unanimously, so listen to us.

 

Don't contact him again. Get out of town. Show more respect for yourself. God bless you

[hisgirl0507]

i am definitely trying to be mad at him and part of me is.I feel really stupid for putting up with it for so long as guess because its been like that and ive got used to things being that way ive kinda got used to it and been thinking its ok when its not and like you say ive just been accepting any scraps he will give me just to keep him in my life.

 

Im living 8 hours away from my family and friends at the mo and they all work so unfortunately theres no way i could get home any sooner.Plus i will have to give my landlord notice,im living in a houseshare with the landlord so hopefully she will understand the circumstances and let me leave asap.

 

I think i will feel different once im back home cos then there will be no way i can see him,its going to be really tough,although im getting angry its hard just to switch off your feelings for someone so easy when theyve been there so long.

 

I know i shouldnt care if he will or not but truthfully do you guys think he will even try and get in contact?Maybe if i know then it will make things easier to accept and move on.Its strange but when i know hes there for me its easier for me to move on cos ive still got the comfort of him being there in the backround but now this is for real and i might not hear from him again which is scary,although im sure in time il probably get to the stage where i dont care.

 

I dont even know how to get over him,its so hard.I know the first thing is to stop contacting him but what then?

[hisgirl0507]

thanks for all your replies i really appreciate the support and i appreciate your honesty,its what i need to hear right now to give myself a good shake.

 

I know i havent been respecting myself but i have been so desperate to get back together with him ive just been settling for any little glimmer of hope or attention i get from him,sad i know but its been hard cos of my feelings for him.I feel almost like cos he finished with me that im not good enough and have felt the need to prove to myself that i can get him back so i will go back to feeling good about myself,cos at one point he did make me feel good,but now i know this is the wrong way to go about it.

[IMAbadman]

You are living in your own FANTASY.

 

He doesn't care about you. He is not now nor has he ever been there for you.

 

You are someone he has sex with and no doubt walks out the door as soon as he's done.

 

Walk away... run away. Quit making excuses. Just do it.

[Sheba]

Honey, I understand that you stayed close to him in order to try and win him back and don't blame you for trying. However, once you confronted him about him having a girlfriend, you should have gone strict NC. Once you stuck around playing second fiddle he had no incentive to change the status quo. Hey - he was getting two for the price of one - and you went along with it. I bet he thought he was the luckiest man alive.

 

I hate to sound like a cliché, but I think you recognize that you have low self esteem - you think you aren't good enough for him so you stuck around trying to win his respect and a relationship with him.

 

The thing is, you were never going to achieve that by being servile. Anyway, he doesn't sound like someone you should be planning your future with.

 

The more appreciative you behave towards him, the more disdain he has for you.

 

Once you are away from him and established NC for a good amount of time, the scales will fall from your eyes and you will regret the time you spent in this situation

[becca0194]

Have you ever considered going to therapy? Maybe have someone help you sort this out and figure out why you have been staying with a hope that is totally unhealthy for you and can also help you process this and move forward?

 

I am curious how old you are and how old he is?

[quirky]

girl I can see this is very difficult for you, possibly your judgment is clouded. Try not to panic and just think of the next half hour, not too far ahead. If you can only leave in 2 weeks time do it then. You know deep in your heart that you don't mean the world to this guy, you possibly still live in the past, thinking of a time when things were ok. But you can wake up and smell the STENCH. It's not like that now. Do you want crumbs or the loaf? Do you want a guy that adores you or someone who doesn't respect you? YOU will define your happines not him not ANYONE.

Now you think you cannot walk away, what will you be without him bla bla. You'll be surprised at the strength you'll possibly discover once you walk away. When I left my guy I thought the world had come to an end, I had NEVER experienced this pain before life without him was incomprehensible. I truly didn't know what to do with myself but you feel so crap that being strong is your only option. And you become strong. If you stay in this you are sabotaging your own happiness. From a girl to a girl I promise you you will feel stronger and more confident when you make that step. There's nothing here worth staying for.

[hisgirl0507]

Yes low self esteem is definitely a problem with me.i think part of the problem is i dont know my lifes purpose,ive had jobs but no career,therefore no goals to work towards.i have considered going to therapy to talk through my issues but there is a very long waiting list.im quite interested in cognitive behavioural therapy as i think it would help me think about things more positively.im 23 and hes 29 by the way.

[Sheba]

Because you have no defined life goals you depend on him for your happiness. I have seen this before.

 

You need a plan and structure to your life. You need something or somethings to work towards.

 

You're only 23 so you're still young, too, which is a blessing.

 

Honestly, when you find a purpose to your life and focus on that, things will be so much better. And yes, therapy would help.

 

It's good that you recognise all of this. That's one positive step forward already.

[hisgirl0507]

its 6 in the morning here and i feel like im goin mad,ive been awake since 5 and have got up to check my emails cos its drivin me crazy n worrying me that ive not heard from him.im so out of control,i just want to keep emailing til he replies.it just seems strange cos when i last talked to him everything was fine and cant think why he hasnt replied.im actually quite worried something bad has happened to him.help!