Ed1 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Hi, I could really do with some good advice - and fast! I have been having troubles with my g/f of 18 months (live together). There have been occassions when work etc has got on top of me, and I have taken my exhaustian / stress out on her in the sense that I have shouted at her during arguments. I just get aggetated quickly sometimes, and an argument ensues, and I end up shouting. This maybe happens once every 2 - 3 months - but she remembers and throws back all the arguments I have had back at me. To many people this would not be a big issue, but for my g/f it upsets her. There is no excuse for my actions, and I genuinely feel sorry, and more importantly am very committed to changing, and channelling my frustrations into the gym for example. We had an argument a month or so ago, and she said she loved everything about me, was in love with me, but could not tolerate someone shouting at her, and said it was over. We talked and she agreed to give it another go. I went away on business recently, she said she was going to really miss me, asked for me to phone where possible etc. I called every day, and also sent a text or two just to say I was thinking about her. For a few days she said she was upset I was away, was missing me like crazy, and wanted me home. Yesterday I called.. she said why do I have to call her every day.... why can't I give her time to think etc.... I was taken aback as I could not understand why she was acting this way. She said she had been thinking and although she is still in love with me, doesn't know if this enough, and doesn't know if I will change. For the last month we have got on really well (since our talk), and she says I have been really sweet etc.... To cut the story short, I am REALLY worried about loosing her. I love her to bits, and genuinely have and am not going to take my work frustrations out of her and let it affect our personal life. How can I turn this around? How can I convey to her how much I love her, and am committed to her? Is it too late?.... Please, please help..... I am sick with worry, still on business, don't want to call her as want to respect the space she has asked for.... but I want her to know all of the above... and most importantly how much she means to me. Many thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blossomed Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Hi, Only thing I can suggest you is give her the space she wants. You´re wonderful calling her and letting her know you think of her etc but she might need to think. Let her... Once you get back (when is that btw? ARe you staying for long?) bring her flowers, bottle of wine or whatever all together or ask her out to the restaurant and tell her how much she means to you. Explain her how much pressure you´re dealing with at work and do your best in not letting that reflect on your relationship. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereman7 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 All I can say is never do take it out on her again, unless you want to learn a painful lesson. There really is no reason to do that to another person. Communicate when you get back let her know how special she is. Tell her the truth, and if you have damaged the relationship beyond repair you need to accept that and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Blossomed - thanks for the reply / advice. I know I have done wrong - the thing is I totally accept that, and am truly sorry for upsetting my g/f. Many people would not be affected by arguments / minor outburts, but my g/f is, and that is why I want to really change, and stop venting my stress on her. Also, in between these arguments, things are really good, and we get on so well. Me shouting does really affect her, she bottles it up, and it really upsets her - but I am not aware until situation like I am in now! I love her so much, and at the end of the day I was calling her because she had asked me to if I could. I just wanted to let her know that I was thinking of her - and missing her. She has made me feel like I have done something wrong for calling.... I know there is the bigger picture.... BUT, she wrote me a nice letter to take with me - saying she wanted me home asap, that she loved me, and would really miss me etc.... I just don't understand..... I am 1000's of miles from home, missing her like mad, and feel sick inside at the thought that I may have lost her..... Just want to make things better, and try and make her realise that I am genuinely sorry for making her feel like I didn't respect her by shouting, as I respect her so much.... there is nothing I would change about her.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doityourself Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 It sounds like shes not sure what she wants. The only thing you can do is share your emotions and feelings to her. As for the shouting I hate it to but it is a part of life when people get mad. Sometimes we shout sometimes we throw things. But to leave you on that basis is hard to believe, since it happens so infrequently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 doityourself... thanks for the advice.... I find it hard too.... BUT she really hates shouting, and says that it is disrespectful, controlling, and really upsets her! I agree that people get mad, and to me it is a normal emotion - maybe that is where I am going wrong. It is not like I fly off the handle every day, other day, week.... But she says she feels all anxious about the next time I shout?! I don't throw things around etc, I just shout at her.... sometimes, I would say that it would be natural to get frustrated, for example I will tidy the house despite being really tired from work, she will come home and make a real mess, I get frustrated, she says I am being stupid, and then I shout! It is her house that I live in (I sold mine last year, and moved in with her, as it seemed silly having two houses when we were always staying over etc), I pay her half of everything, AND I treat the house with real respect - as if it was my own. I do lots of DIY - when I say this to her, she responds, I never asked you to. I am not making excuses, as at the end of the day, I love her to bits, and the last thing I want to do is really upset her.... so I feel bad for shouting..... I just don't know how I can turn this around, and make her realise that I am not being TOTALLY unreasonable, am willing to change, and want the relationship to work - I am 100% committed to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 I have just got an e-mail from my g/f.... She says that she loves me, misses me, and has been thinking of me constantly... When I asked if we could give our relationship a go.... she didn't say yes, but replied, it will be nice to spend some time together, and try and sort things out.... Without reading into this too much, does that mean she is willing to give it another go.... or sort things out in sense of splitting up?! I am confused..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anusha Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Just give it time,you seem in such a rush to just get back together.I understand why you fell like this but you need to give it time.She loves you but she cant stand when you shout and she needs to be secure it wont be like before if she gets back with you.Just try to spend time with her and show her how you changed,just try to not worry about the outcome so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doityourself Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Ed1 First def give her some time and space to figure out what it is that she wants. It sounds to me that she is trying to back out of relationship. Is it possible that you could go somewhere to give her complete space, maybe if your gone she will realize how much you mean to her and call you back to her. As for the shouting, was there something in here childhoold that does this to her. Can she handle conflict at all, or is it just with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks for the responses.... do you really think she is backing out? given what she said in her last e-mail? It is really difficult for me to just go somewhere, as I sold my house, and moved in with her (which is what she wanted), so I have no where to go.... I even had to get rid of a lot of furniture as there was no where to store it..... I want to show her I have changed, and she said in the past month I have been perfect (since our last argument) - problem is she said she is just anxious about when it will happen again..... which I am 100% going to try my hardest never to again - I really am committed to this.... As for her past - I don't know if this is something from her childhood.... I have tried to ask questions in the past..... but she is quite abrupt and says stop trying to make excuses for my problem (i.e. shouting sometimes). She just says it is rude and disrespectful and I shouldn't be doing it irrespective of how tired, annoyed etc I am.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doityourself Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I really couldnt tell you if she wants out or not, only she can. You guys seem to have some communication issues. I would try and sit down and talk without accussing eachother of this or that. Try not to bring up whats shes lacking and just listen to what she is saying. Be completely honest with how you feel and how she makes you feel. I agree it is rude to yell at some one on a regular basis I do find it to be disrespectful. But my husband is a yeller (very loud mouth) and i try and forgive him because this is the way he expresses his feeling when he is angry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 doityourself.... thanks for the response / advice. I don't yell a lot..... I would say maybe once every 4-8 weeks.... and to me once the argument is over, it is over, it is the past and I move on..... to me this is more healthier than bottling things up, and bringing back all past arguments every time we have one..... BUT this is how my g/f is, and I love her, and as I said, I need to find other ways to vent my frustration.... and when there are issues at home, I need to find a way not to get so frustrated with my g/f..... most of the arguments are when I have done something nice, gone out my way, done lots of housework, whatever.... and this is totally belittled or disrespected (i.e tidying house for 3 - 4 hours, and then my g/f just messes it all up the same day).... Apart from that as I say, we get on really well.... but she can not tolerate shouting, and it is a fudamental issue to her in a relationship if we do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doityourself Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I guess I would worry about having a conflict with her at anytime, Will she be able to handle it or is she going to leave me if i say that something is wrong. I can def understand about cleaning the house and it getting dirty again. In my house it only stays clean for about 10 minutes. You need to pick your battles, is it really that important that your house is spotless. I understand about it being disrespectful esp since you put so much time and energy into it. Relationships have to go both ways, both partners have to be committed 100% or it will eventually fail. I feel for what you are going through, relationships can seem like so much work than what its worth. But if you love this woman give it your all and thats all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 Yeesh - it does not mean that something is "wrong" in someone's childhood because they do not like to get yelled at. I can understand why Ed's gf did not like that reply very much. As you mention doityourself, it is plain disrespectful, not to mention physiologically unpleasant. For people who's nervous systems are more sensitive, yelling can seem like an actual assault on their senses. It can be extremely uncomfortable. Who wants to feel disrespected & assaulted on a regular basis? Ed1 - practice ways to get your point accross without losing your temper. And if you are stressed about work then just tell her you are going to take some alone time for yourself in the house because you are feeling stressed. Or go out for a walk... Find other de-stressors in general to help get those pent up feelings out of your system also.. Exercise is a great one but there are others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Blossomed - thanks for the reply / advice. I know I have done wrong - the thing is I totally accept that, and am truly sorry for upsetting my g/f. Many people would not be affected by arguments / minor outburts, but my g/f is, and that is why I want to really change, and stop venting my stress on her. I'm only up to your second reply and you've already said this twice, which says to me that you don't really "totally" accept that you're doing anything wrong. It's more like you think your girlfriend is oversensitive. She's not. I wouldn't accept being shouted at either. It's abusive. I'll explain why (just like I explained this to my husband, years ago when he was still my boyfriend). You are a man. You are bigger and stronger than she is. You start shouting in a loud voice and a smaller, weaker woman cannot help but be physically intimidated. Do you want to scare your girlfriend like that? It's completely wrong. And it's not about whether she seems actually scared or not. At some level you can't help but be a bit intimidated. And quite frankly, why would you shout at someone who was in the same room as you unless you were trying to intimidate them? You think you are expressing anger. Well you are expressing it in an intimidating fashion. It's not just your sensitive girlfriend who would have a problem with this. I think anyone who wanted a healthy relationship would have a big problem with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 As for her past - I don't know if this is something from her childhood.... I have tried to ask questions in the past..... but she is quite abrupt and says stop trying to make excuses for my problem (i.e. shouting sometimes). She just says it is rude and disrespectful and I shouldn't be doing it irrespective of how tired, annoyed etc I am.... Well Ed1, it surely wouldnt be a bad lesson to teach one's kids that if a bigger, stronger person approaches them in an aggressive fashion, they should back away. Would it? I completely agree with her. It's enormously disrespectful and has no place whatsoever in a relationship between two people who love each other. You would NEVER speak to a stranger like that. You think it's ok to speak to the woman you love like that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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