doesnt believe in marriage. is it bs?

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The problem is that these situations aren't very exceptional - I personally know men who are living in one room or basement apartments while their ex-wives live in the family home with their children. Most men know other men in the same position, many of whom struggle to see their children at all. Others are paying child support for children who are not biologically theirs - it happens frequently, not exceptionally.

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Agree, divorce is rampant and I know more men that receive the short end of the stick with regards to finance and child custody.

[lady00]

Agree, divorce is rampant and I know more men that receive the short end of the stick with regards to finance and child custody.

 

And still many (if not most) women end up with a lower standard of living after the divorce. But anyway, not to get into that debate...

 

I am skeptical of this being a major driving force that prevents men from wanting to get married. But that's because I've seen time and time again people say they don't want marriage then that relationship breaks up and they suddenly want marriage.

 

When someone says "I don't want to be married," I automatically add "to you," because I truly believe that is what it most often means.

[Batya33]

I agree with this and realize that of course there are exceptions. I find it better in the long run, however for the person who wants marriage to accept the "to you" "suffix" because that helps the person learn to accept that not all people click or click enough for that level of commitment. It also avoids the negative mindset of "all men are commitmentphobes" (or all women, depending) which can infect future relationships.

[DN]

I am skeptical of this being a major driving force that prevents men from wanting to get married.

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When someone says "I don't want to be married," I automatically add "to you," because I truly believe that is what it most often means.

 

The problem with society is that people assume that there is something wrong with you if you don't want to get married. Sometimes your argument may be correct, the "not to you" part and that may be something you would have to wrestle with in regards to continuing the relationship if that's what you want. Just being with someone who wants to be with you is enough for some, for some people it works and works well. For others the need or want to be married is more important. However sometimes, when someone says they don't want to be married it could truly be how they feel, even if for that given moment. Some people have been married and never want to be married again, others just never want to be married.

 

Its sad that people think you must be psychologically disturbed to not want to get married...one could argue the contrary based on the state of divorce in this country. Society has existed for many millennia prior to the conception of marriage. If you want to get married get married, if you don't don't. If it's important to you then it sounds like something you need to bring up early in the relationship.

[lady00]

Who said there is anything wrong with not wanting to get married? All I said was that I've seen many instances in which someone says they don't want marriage only to get married to someone else later on. Who said anything about being psychologically disturbed? There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be married. Just saying that often when people say that, they either don't realize they could marry if they felt a certain way or they aren't being honest. Sure, some people don't want marriage.

 

Regardless, if one person wants marriage and the other doesn't, it's over anyway. So adding "to you" really does not change things. One person wants it, the other doesn't. They might as well have said "to you." The outcome is the same...they aren't getting married to each other.

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Regardless, if one person wants marriage and the other doesn't, it's over anyway. So adding "to you" really does not change things. One person wants it, the other doesn't. They might as well have said "to you." The outcome is the same...they aren't getting married to each other.

 

The outcome might be the same but the rationale is completely different.

[lady00]

The outcome might be the same but the rationale is completely different.

 

It really doesn't matter...the outcome is really what drives everything. If god forbid I ended up in a long-term relationship with someone who did not want marriage...even if I wholeheartedly believed it had nothing to do with me...I would have a hard time staying around because marriage is very important to me.

 

Not saying everyone has the same calculation. Maybe for the OP it does make a difference whether or not he does not believe in marriage or whether or not he does not want to marry her specifically.

[DN]

It really doesn't matter...the outcome is really what drives everything. If god forbid I ended up in a long-term relationship with someone who did not want marriage...even if I wholeheartedly believed it had nothing to do with me...I would have a hard time staying around because marriage is very important to me.

Which is why it is important to get a general idea of what a potential partner thiks about marriage (and childrem) at a fairly early stage - certainly before any sort of commitment is made. This doesn't apply to very young people but it should to people who are getting near to being ready for marriage.