doesnt believe in marriage. is it bs?

[buckley]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. He says he doesnt believe in marriage as to him it is just a piece of paper, and I understand that but at the same time if it is just a piece of paper why not just get married???

 

it makes sense legally and i would love to say he was my husband im his wife and if it is ONLY a piece of paper what would it matter if we did just do it for those reasons even if he doesnt believe in it.

 

what do you guys think about people who dont believe in marriage? is it just fear of marrying wrong person or what?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many people who claim they don't believe in marriage end up marrying someone else. If you want marriage and he doesn't then the choice you have is to accept that you will never be his wife and either continue the relationship or end it and find someone who has not ruled out marriage with you.

[DN]

Has he always said this or is this something he has only recently started?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Has he always said this or is this something he has only recently started?

 

Yes, that was what I was going to ask.

 

Is this new or has he always stood by this?

 

If he's always stood by this, it means you need to give up on changing him and move on....

 

If this is a new development, talk to him about it. Did something in his life recently spark this? Perhaps a family member or good friend recently divorced.

 

But, there is always the chance he may be pulling this line because he does not want to marry you.

 

After your talk, if he still will not open up, I would move on.

[lavenderdove]

Ugh, the old piece of paper argument.

 

I think you need to dig into why he feels this way and see whether it is fear based (which might be overcome) or whether he just is not interested in being married.

 

Some men fear divorce and what it will do to their finances. If that is the case, you can overcome that argument with a pre-nup you are both satisifed with.

 

But if he really doesn't believe in marriage and sees it as a prison or really doesn't want it, you may not be able to change it and have to decide how important it is to do.

 

Many people who avoid marriage do so because they aren't 100% sure they want be wiht the person permanently and are leaving their options open. If that is the case, after 6 years if he doesn't think you're the one for him, he never will and it is better to leave.

 

I personally think marriage is an important commitment legally and emotionally, and if i'd been with someone 6 years, i'd either want marriage, or for us both to acknowledge that we're not going anywhere and hence it is over.

 

You aren't getting married for the sake of a piece of paper, but for the legal and emotional and financial protections marriage brings. If you're not married, then you're not entitled to lots of things should anything happen to him since you're not his wife, from pensions to the ability to decide his healthcare should he be incapacitated, to shared property ownership, to inheritences etc. So that piece of paper carries a lot of weight and does change a whole lot.

 

The piece of paper argument usually is a weak attempt to provide an excuse for why they don't want to do it. Then, money is just a piece of paper too, but look what that piece of paper does/means? So it's really a silly argument because that piece of paper really carries a whole legal and emotional meaning that just dating or living together doesn't. next time he tells you marriage is just a piece of paper, tell him money is just a piece of paper too, and no one can live without it. it's just a silly argument, and you need to dig deeper to find the real excuses behind his statement.

 

And if you really want marriage, then insist upon it within a specific timeframe (i.e., this year, with a planned date), or else leave and go find someone who does share the same goals.

 

I would tell him that you want to be married including all marriages benefits and protections, and if he wants to shield himself in the event of the divorce you'll work on a pre-nup with him, so his argument just doesn't apply.

[DN]

I think it is important however, especially if he has been consistent in his views and has not misled you, to realise that many people have decided they don't want marriage. If he is one of them, it doesn't make him a bad person. It means he simply has a different view. No one is 'owed' a marriage and I think it unfair to enter into a relationship with someone knowing their views and hoping to change them and then blaming them because they won't.

[KG]

That piece of paper protects you, your assets, and is a legally binding contract between two people.

 

If he isn't going to do it, at least keep your finances separate. In case.

[Caterina]

I don't associate with people who say those things. I feel sorry for anyone who does, especially their lovers.

[Lamprey]

From his point of view, there's no real benefit to being married over just being in a relationship. The way he feels won't change, nor the way you two act toward each other.

 

However, there are downsides to being married, such as not being able to end it easily, being financially liable if you do, etc. You don't need to get a lawyer to break up with your girlfriend. Marriage is really just a mechanism designed to protect the woman, and in a world where men and women should be equal, what's the need for it?

 

Note that's not the way I feel about it but I figured I'd make an argument for the other point of view before too many of the usual ena responses pile on (you deserve to be happy, leave him, etc.).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Marriage is really just a mechanism designed to protect the woman, and in a world where men and women should be equal, what's the need for it?

 

That is so not true. Many many many women who are divorced end up with a lower standard of living than their ex-husband. Also, in many marriages women have gotten burned...how many women work full time, do most of the chores AND do most of the child-rearing. Many, many many women have gotten a bad deal out of marriage.

[DN]

Let's not turn this into a debate about which gender loses most from a divorce. That won't help the OP - it is how her man views it that is important and an argument on here won't address that.

[lavenderdove]

Studies have shown again and again that the happiest group of people are married men. And the unhappiest group is married woman.

 

Women frequently end up doing the lion's share of taking care of the home, housework, food preparation, cleaning, raising children etc., while still be expected to hold down a fulltime job. The man has to hold down a fulltime job and has far more leisure time than the wife does since he is not doing all the household chores nor the majority of child rearing.

 

that is not true for all marriages, for model of an equal partnership just isn't the norm. So saying that marriage 'is to protect women' is really not true. If we had a 50s economy where women stayed home and men went to work you might say that, but not anymore.

 

Men do sadly frequently have less access to their children after divorce, but they still make more money and have a higher standard of living after a divorce than women do.

[DN]

Again - this isn't a debate about which gender has it better or worse in marriage or divorce.

 

This is about how the OP and her boyfriend feel about marriage.

[lavenderdove]

Sorry DN... our posts crossed and i posted before i read your post.

[Circe]

Marriage is really just a mechanism designed to protect the woman, and in a world where men and women should be equal, what's the need for it?

 

Note that's not the way I feel about it but I figured I'd make an argument for the other point of view before too many of the usual ena responses pile on (you deserve to be happy, leave him, etc.).

 

That's not really much of an argument though. Protecting women was never the reason why the institution of marriage evolved..

 

[i'm leaving this in despite DN's comments cause they may be arguments you can present to your bf]

We have marriages because they apparently make society function better. First, an environment where there is a male and female constant role model for a child, is perceived as important.

 

Second, an enduring, monogomous relationship is supposed to be better for everyone's emotional health and stability. It should bring a feeling of security and support. That should help us function better in society and in the community. It should provide a solid base for us to achieve things.

 

Third, it's a more efficient use of resources. ie. - it's cheaper.

 

I'm sure there are other practical reasons behind it too.

 

 

Anyway... from the point of view of someone who once "didn't believe in marriage" and was "never going to get married" - aka me - I've changed my mind. I do believe it creates a closer bond between people. I think the bond is created by three things:

 

1) the ceremonial/ritual aspect of marriage. People have always needed ceremony since the beginning of time it's been incorporated into our cultures - every culture has it. Human beings need it. It makes us happy. Makes us feel like we belong. Gives a sense of greater meaning to things. Symbolism is important to us.

 

2) the sense of permanence that comes from the legal ties it creates and legal complications involved with severing those ties. Along with the legal ties are social expectations which are also created upon marriage and also make the relationship harder to sever. Not impossible, but harder. That does give a sense of permanence and stability to the relationship that it might not otherwise have.

 

3) the emotional assurance that you and your partner have reached a place in your own mind where you are dedicated to spending your lives together, loving and supporting each other in the future - which is expressed not just in words, but by the voluntary act of forming legal ties making separation harder.

 

I have said to many people that our lives don't really feel all that different after getting married. We didn't live together before and yet the transition has been so smooth that it feels like we've always lived together.

 

But notwithstanding that something does feel different post-marriage. I do feel like there is something extra there that connects us. I didn't expect to feel that but I do.

 

OP - I would ask your partner to explain why he doesnt believe in marriage. To truly explain his reasoning process. Then I would explain yours in favour of marriage to him. And think of everything you can. Surely if his statement is truly based on something against the institution of marriage (rather than you not being the right person) you'll be able to work that out?

 

However, if his reasons against marriage are so strong he feels like he would be compromising himself to get married - then your only real options are to continue without marriage, continue in the hope he changes his mind, or end the relationship.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't think you should "convince" your long term boyfriend to marry you. He'll probably either resent you or become fickle.

[Blue Spiral]

It can be both. I don't believe in marriage (it's not even a piece of paper, it's an oath, and I put that in the same category as goat-sacrificing and drawing up lots), and even if I did, the fear of divorce would keep me from doing it. I mean, gambling half my current/future assets in exchange for...um...an alleged "emotional bond" that fails over half the time and can't be proven to exist? Really?

 

I realize that most people seem to enjoy it, and more power to them. I just don't see the appeal. Certainly, some guys say they don't believe in it and are lying, but there are also those of us who just aren't into it.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think that you really just need to gather more information on this from your boyfriend. Why, exactly, does he not believe in marriage? Beyond the 'piece of paper' cliche? What are his fears about it?

 

Then you either have to address the fears or decide why you so strongly want marriage...what would marriage do for you - provide a foundation for future children, etc?

 

Then after you have that figured out, you have to decide if he is likely to change his mind, if you will be ok without marriage, or if you will not be ok without marriage.

 

Basically, it's a matter of thoroughly assessing the situation and deciding what actions to take to address it.

[Up and Down]

I don't associate with people who say those things. I feel sorry for anyone who does, especially their lovers.

 

So you don't associate with anyone who has a different opinion than you and in fact feel sorry for them for having a different opinion than yours....

[anggrace]

So you don't associate with anyone who has a different opinion than you and in fact feel sorry for them for having a different opinion than yours....

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

 

OP: There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to get married or not believing in it. But it would be important to know the reasons why he doesn't believe in it. Is it because he doesn't believe two people can/should commit their lives to eachother? Or is it because he just doesn't think becoming legally bound is required to commit the rest of your lives together?

[lady00]

Many people who claim they don't believe in marriage end up marrying someone else. If you want marriage and he doesn't then the choice you have is to accept that you will never be his wife and either continue the relationship or end it and find someone who has not ruled out marriage with you.

 

If I had a nickel for the number of times I hear that someone said they didn't want marriage in a long-term relationship, broke up, the married someone else within a relatively short period of time...

 

I think if you want marriage, your choice is pretty simple (not easy, but simple). Gotta get out because from the sound of it, he does not want to marry you. Whether or not he really doesn't believe in marriage is an open question and you might never get the real answer out of him.

[AnonGuy]

In my country, if you're together more than 2 years it becomes a defacto marriage with the same rights as real marriage anyway.

 

I used to believe in the "piece of paper" argument. And I didn't want to get married. When I met the right girl, that changed. Literally overnight something switched in my brain and I realised I wanted children with that girl and I couldn't stand to lose her.

 

Currently it is not working out, but I still retain that new marriage belief. That if this is the right guy for you, he'll want to stay with you forever and he'll say so. If he doesn't want to get married, and you want to stay with him forever ... that is not going to work out because he's holding back and keeping his options open.

 

Six years? Forget it. Give him the ultimatum out of respect - but he will likely say no.

[DN]

Stories like this one are why many men don't want to marry:

 

link removed

[Circe]

It's a bit irrational to base your decisions on exceptional situations isnt it?

 

Did you know 70% of the killers of murdered women are their husbands?

 

Seems like women have more reason to refrain from marriage than men do!

[DN]

The problem is that these situations aren't very exceptional - I personally know men who are living in one room or basement apartments while their ex-wives live in the family home with their children. Most men know other men in the same position, many of whom struggle to see their children at all. Others are paying child support for children who are not biologically theirs - it happens frequently, not exceptionally.

 

I have talked to men who are extremely hesitant of marrying because they perceive the divorce and family courts as biased against men. Divorce isn't exceptional - it's highly prevalent.

 

And so when women ask why men don't want to marry - the above are some of the prime reasons.

 

To respond that women have their own reasons for not marrying is beside the point - unless a woman wants to marry another woman. For instance, my sister found when she married that her income was calculated into the amount that her husband would have to pay in child support to his ex-wife. But that is about why women might not want to marry. To counter one set of reasons not to marry with another from the other gender doesn't invalidate either.