myonlymotive Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 19 - 23 My boyfriend broke up with me because it's 'too much of a gap for him', and it's 'always at the back of his mind that I'm only 19' We both just started the same degree at university - he's already done another degree and worked for a year - figured out he hated his job and quit, then decided to go back to uni to do what he really loves. I had a gap year working in IT for my mum's company, then decided on my degree. We both live at home because it's too expensive to move out with the recession. We're perfect for each other in every other way and although we've only known each other and only went out a very short amount of time, I thought we had real potential - that our relationship could stand the test of time. He thought exactly the same way, but decided that he just couldn't do it. I still have feelings for him, and.. I want him more than I can say. But at this point I know there's no way I'm going to change his mind... I've tried everything, maybe came off a little too strong, but... I just can't bring myself to give him up. I just wanted to ask you guys if you could help me understand him?... I think we could still be friends if I could just see things from his perspective, but I'm having alot of difficulty with this at the moment... Please help me empathise?? Thanks alot Link to comment
Hammerhead Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 19 and 23 is not much of a gap..what exactly is the problem?, i ask u.. maybe theres something you do or say that he feels is inmature on your part. have u asked?? theres gotta be something else..im sorry, the age thing is not it!.. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I was 18 and my guy was almost 23 when we met. The gap was never a problem. We both still lived at home, and starting college. We were in the same life stage, and he never viewed me as younger because we were doing the same things, had the same interest, goals, and wants. Only he can say what the problem truly is. He may feel like you need to grow a little, maybe mature a little, experience a little more in life. He's done more in life and wants you to do the same? I don't know, we can't say. How long were you together, or dated before this problem presented itself? Link to comment
myonlymotive Posted April 24, 2009 Author Share Posted April 24, 2009 19 and 23 is not much of a gap..what exactly is the problem?, i ask u.. maybe theres something you do or say that he feels is inmature on your part. have u asked?? theres gotta be something else..im sorry, the age thing is not it!.. That's exactly what I thought!! I was so certain that it was something else. And I subtlely confronted him about it and he said it was the age thing - then I confronted him straight out and he STILL said it was the age thing... I thought about maybe I did something too, something immature, but I really don't know... every now and then there'll just be these little... things like something he's done that I haven't, but... nothing huge. I don't understand sometimes I think he thinks he's not good enough for me, I get that feeling. He said at one point 'I'm 23, I don't have a job and I live at home!' but... I don't care. Maybe he does?... I was 18 and my guy was almost 23 when we met. The gap was never a problem. We both still lived at home, and starting college. We were in the same life stage, and he never viewed me as younger because we were doing the same things, had the same interest, goals, and wants. Only he can say what the problem truly is. He may feel like you need to grow a little, maybe mature a little, experience a little more in life. He's done more in life and wants you to do the same? I don't know, we can't say. How long were you together, or dated before this problem presented itself? "We were in the same life stage, and he never viewed me as younger because we were doing the same things, had the same interest, goals, and wants." those're EXACTLY the words I used that I said when I told him what I thought seriously and we were friends for a couple of months, then dated for only a couple of weeks... APPARENTLY he had a past relationship where he was 19 and the girl was 17 and he couldn't go out with her either because of the age gap... I don't believe that anyone could think that... I don't get it. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 Well, he seems to have issues with dating someone younger, I'd leave it be and move on. If he has perosnal issues with the age gaps, then so be it. Let him find what he wants, because its clear an age gap isn't something he wants. Link to comment
shikashika Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 it is probably something else, but he knows if he says it's an age thing, as an 'excuse' there is NOTHING you can do to change it. Having said that, I remember when I was 19 and a 23 year old asked me out i turned him down because i thought 'ick... too old!" haha.. the things we think at 19 but, when I was 23, if a friend of mine who was 23 broke up with someone because they were too young at 19, i would have thought it was valid reason. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 hi - i posted on your thread about this topic yesterday. my thoughts are two-fold: 1 - either he is uncomfortable because he can go to the bars and you can't. for a lot of young people in their early 20s, they go out to the bars a lot and it can cause relationship problems when one person goes to the bars and the other person can't. 2 - he's lost attraction for you for whatever reason, and is just blaming it on the age gap. in either case, you can't really reason with him, like i told you yesterday. i'm sure that you two are a good match, on paper at least. i'm not sure why he doesn't feel that way, but as you know, emotions just don't work that way. how would you feel if some guy said to you, 'we have so much in common, we are both from the same area, we have the same interests, we are in the same socioeconomic place, we both like mexican food, we both like dogs, therefore.... we should be together!' well.... no. emotions don't always work that way. we don't always go for who seems like a good fit on paper, the feelings have to be there too. as for why he suddenly changed, i dunno. it hurts, it sucks. i know. it's frustrating when you are dating someone and you know you two are so good for each other but the other person can't 'see' it. it's ok, just know that there is someone out there who WILL know you are a catch! hugs Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 PS -- oops - i see you are in australia. i don't know what is the legal drinking age there, but for sure, in the US, i think 19/23 can cause some relationship troubles due to one person being able to go out to the bars, and the other cannot. Link to comment
shikashika Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 PS -- oops - i see you are in australia. i don't know what is the legal drinking age there, but for sure, in the US, i think 19/23 can cause some relationship troubles due to one person being able to go out to the bars, and the other cannot. it's 18..... Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 ah, well there goes that theory!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
Aeryn Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 That's strange. Maybe he's one of those guys who decided he likes older women, not younger. Leave it be. He seems insecure or something, because that is not much of an age gap at all. Shoot, I'd date up to 28 right now, but no younger than 22. I just don't feel comfortable as much around the younger guys...and maybe your ex feels that way: he doesn't feel as comfortable around the younger girls. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 some guy i was dating (actually, the one who brought me to enotalone!) told me he felt there was an age gap between us!!! (i was 24, he was 28!) Link to comment
Hammerhead Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 ...i would recommend you be mature and begin to move on, you got a great future ahead, forget about this one!..ok?? Link to comment
planetnomis Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 I think there can be a big maturity or personality difference between people around those ages. I met my ex-gf when she was 18 and I was 21, almost 22 now. I was a 4th year student at university and she was beginning her first year. She was a lot more immature than I was and was not able to be considerate, communicate properly or handle university. To me, she seemed to act like a little kid, a girl just out of highschool. I found it funny that she was more 'grown-up' in a sense more than I was: she had had sex, had her own car, whereas I hadn't, but at the same time she was emotionally immature. I found I did a lot of growing up going to university, and I am now unattracted to a lot of 18-year old girls because I don't expect the same kind of maturity out of them that I have. I find someone who is finishing their academic goals, not just starting them to be more attractive at my stage in my education, but I just might be picky lol. I found she just couldnt deal with her problems like a rational adult. I would much rather meet someone that will have a professional career soon like myself. but he does sound like a bit of an ass since you both started your program at the same time. And some girls are much more mature than others., of course. He might of just made the age gap thing up as an excuse for some other reason of not wanting to be with you Link to comment
gidget1 Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 when i was 18/19 i was dating someone five years my senior who was ridiculously intelligent (a lot smarter than me) had his career, had a house already, and seemed like he was on track. we dated for about eight months, eight amazing months, and then he realised he wanted a wife, kids, etc. which i obviously couldnt give him. now we're really good friends and it's never been complicated since we decided to just be friends. it's a really healthy happy relationship. he still hasn't found a wife either, but we don't regret breaking up. maybe it's for the best, and maybe you two can become friends? Link to comment
indierockgrl Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 19 and 23 is not much of a gap..what exactly is the problem?, i ask u.. maybe theres something you do or say that he feels is inmature on your part. have u asked?? theres gotta be something else..im sorry, the age thing is not it!.. I second that, i dont think that is much of a difference whatsoever. maybe hes the one with the problem.... move on . Link to comment
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