Ed1 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi ENA Members, I would really appreciate some advice on a relationship issue that I have... to start with a bit of background. I have been dating my g/f for 1.5 years. She is in her mid 20's and 10 years younger than me. We have been living together for 6 months. We have been arguing on and off for a number of months - mainly about petty things. I accept that they are petty, and never take it to heart, but she makes a big deal of it, and says I don't respect her, shout at her, and she can't be with someone who shouts at her. Now when I say shout, and example would be..... me tidying the house all morning, her coming home and just dumping stuff everywhere, making a mess etc. I ask her if she can keep things tidy, she says she will do it in her own time, I get frustrated, I say that I am frustrated with her behaviour, this instigates and argument, and then sometimes I may shout.... never anything more, but to me it is over and done with. A normal argument that any couple may have. I am getting to the point where she is making such a deal of arguments, that they cause more. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells, and constantly thinking the next silly petty argument may be the demise of our relationship. Basically I feel sad, and I guess vulnerable.... She says she loves me more than anything, and really wants to make it work, but I just feel like she is making issues out of nothing. I am not belittling her opinions, and obviously don't want to upset her..... but equally, I don't know if this is a compatability issue, if I have issues with regards the fact I think it normal to have petty disputes in a relationship..... or something else. This is really getting me down. I am in my mid-30's and don't want to invest years in a relationship that is fundamentally flawed. I love her so much, but equally worried about things turning sour at some point in the future.... Apologies for the rambling.... hopefully I have conveyed the problem clear enough... advice would be much appreciated. Many thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi ENA Members, I would really appreciate some advice on a relationship issue that I have... to start with a bit of background. I have been dating my g/f for 1.5 years. She is in her mid 20's and 10 years younger than me. We have been living together for 6 months. We have been arguing on and off for a number of months - mainly about petty things. I accept that they are petty, and never take it to heart, but she makes a big deal of it, and says I don't respect her, shout at her, and she can't be with someone who shouts at her. Now when I say shout, and example would be..... me tidying the house all morning, her coming home and just dumping stuff everywhere, making a mess etc. I ask her if she can keep things tidy, she says she will do it in her own time, I get frustrated, I say that I am frustrated with her behaviour, this instigates and argument, and then sometimes I may shout.... never anything more, but to me it is over and done with. A normal argument that any couple may have. I am getting to the point where she is making such a deal of arguments, that they cause more. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells, and constantly thinking the next silly petty argument may be the demise of our relationship. Basically I feel sad, and I guess vulnerable.... She says she loves me more than anything, and really wants to make it work, but I just feel like she is making issues out of nothing. I am not belittling her opinions, and obviously don't want to upset her..... but equally, I don't know if this is a compatability issue, if I have issues with regards the fact I think it normal to have petty disputes in a relationship..... or something else. This is really getting me down. I am in my mid-30's and don't want to invest years in a relationship that is fundamentally flawed. I love her so much, but equally worried about things turning sour at some point in the future.... Apologies for the rambling.... hopefully I have conveyed the problem clear enough... advice would be much appreciated. Many thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 People argue differently. I'm like you. I can argue with someone and then forget about it 5 minutes later because it was just a meaningless argument to me. No hurt feelings. But others take them more seriously. As for the shouting, I honestly believe that there's never a good reason for shouting at your SO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 People argue differently. I'm like you. I can argue with someone and then forget about it 5 minutes later because it was just a meaningless argument to me. No hurt feelings. But others take them more seriously. As for the shouting, I honestly believe that there's never a good reason for shouting at your SO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixelPusher Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Arguing is normal for everyone but it is HOW you argue that you need to watch out for. I personally don't think there is ever a reason to shout. When someone shouts, they immediately close their mind and make the other person defensive. In this particular instance... if your g/f leaves her stuff around, DOES she eventually pick it up like she says she will? If so... then you need to be a bit understanding and let her do it on her own time. If she doesn't pick it up, then I think you certainly have something to be upset with. I think all you can do is say: "Look, I spent all day cleaning and when you just drop your stuff down anywhere, it makes me feel like all that work was for nothing." You should always use "I feel" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements. It's hard to argue with someone when they say "I feel..." because you can't deny someone's feelings. However, if you say "YOU always leave your stuff around!" it makes them defensive. Some folks just get worked up quickly and it may be gone 15-minutes later, while others hold onto that emotion. You two need to sit down and talk about how you individually handle things and make an agreement to understand each other's side when something like this comes up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixelPusher Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Arguing is normal for everyone but it is HOW you argue that you need to watch out for. I personally don't think there is ever a reason to shout. When someone shouts, they immediately close their mind and make the other person defensive. In this particular instance... if your g/f leaves her stuff around, DOES she eventually pick it up like she says she will? If so... then you need to be a bit understanding and let her do it on her own time. If she doesn't pick it up, then I think you certainly have something to be upset with. I think all you can do is say: "Look, I spent all day cleaning and when you just drop your stuff down anywhere, it makes me feel like all that work was for nothing." You should always use "I feel" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements. It's hard to argue with someone when they say "I feel..." because you can't deny someone's feelings. However, if you say "YOU always leave your stuff around!" it makes them defensive. Some folks just get worked up quickly and it may be gone 15-minutes later, while others hold onto that emotion. You two need to sit down and talk about how you individually handle things and make an agreement to understand each other's side when something like this comes up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks for the replies.... The example I gave was very general...... there are a number of other instances where I feel like my g/f is being totally unreasonable - again this is my persective. My concern is she keeps gving ultimatums, like if you argue with me / are grumpy / are snappy - then it is over! I am just finding it hard to relate to this approach given that she says she is so in love with me, and the arguments are about relatively trivial matters. I just feel as I said in my initial note that I am walking on egg shells all the time, that the next time she does something that causes me to respond or cause an argument, or even if I have a bad day (which we all have), then it could be the end of our relationship..... things just seem so fragile, but then she throws in she really loves me etc etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks for the replies.... The example I gave was very general...... there are a number of other instances where I feel like my g/f is being totally unreasonable - again this is my persective. My concern is she keeps gving ultimatums, like if you argue with me / are grumpy / are snappy - then it is over! I am just finding it hard to relate to this approach given that she says she is so in love with me, and the arguments are about relatively trivial matters. I just feel as I said in my initial note that I am walking on egg shells all the time, that the next time she does something that causes me to respond or cause an argument, or even if I have a bad day (which we all have), then it could be the end of our relationship..... things just seem so fragile, but then she throws in she really loves me etc etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldenoughtoknow Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Maybe it is a compatibility issue. Or maybe you can use the situation for personal growth. I generally have a hard time with being assertive. If my GF came in and dumped her stuff in my clean living room, I wouldn't like it, but I probably wouldn't say anything. After a week of watching the same behavior, I'd be upset and when I did say something, I would probably come accross too strongly. The best course is to calmly bring issues like this up as they happen. Good advice from PixelPusher. Use "I" statements and don't make it sound like she's doing something wrong. Just open the conversation by telling her what's bothering you. Like the next time she gives you an ultimatum, stay calm and tell her "It really hurts me when you give my ultimatums and makes you feel like your relationship isn't on very solid ground. Are you really that close to leaving me?" That isn't blaming, but it lets her feel the impact of her own words. Ask her why she thinks you guys keep getting into arguments over such trivial matters. Do you think you should calm down and be less grumpy and snappy? Are you usually like this with other people? Or are you expecting her to be constantly on your same page and/or reading your mind? That could be an area for self improvement as well. If she really loves you, she'll listen to your concerns and the two of you can work it out. But calm, consistent communication is the key. I think once you figure out how to get your point accross with less drama and fallout, you won't feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 To be honest, arguing (especially to the extent where someone shouts) about trivial things (and to me, in the scheme of things, mess and clutter is trivial) would not be acceptable as a normal part of a relationship. I suppose I'm lucky, my husband and I are the same. Both a bit messy but both never let the house get too bad. And both do a great clean up job when there are guests. I cannot imagine getting into an argument on this topic. Let alone being shouted at for it. I don't think I would want to tolerate that. It would be really upsetting for me that I was being yelled at for something that doesnt really hurt anyone. Being yelled at for something that even my partner recognises as "petty". Now mess isn't petty for everyone. But if you recognise it as petty - don't start fights over it. If it's not petty - think about how and why it's important to you and the exact standard you require and communicate that to her. Especially the how and why it's important. If being very tidy was important to my husband and he explained why that was to me I'd respect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 ^ia with above post! personally I couldn't ever stand being shouted at. I just don't do well in those sorts of situations. calmly talking, sure. stating your problems, fine. but raising your voice? I get intimidated. byebye get another gf plz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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