Question for women who have been engaged and/or married...

[Tell Me Why]

Well, its been a LONG time since I've posted on here so I have a lot to report so here goes:

 

Things were going really well between my ex and I. She had been talking about Hawaii and told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to move there permanently anymore. She wanted to go visit for a week or two and she asked me to go with her!! She even told me that if she did move to Hawaii that I could move there with her!!

 

She had also told me that she couldn't see me and see other people at the same time. Like I said before, she was on those dating sites and she almost went on a date, but cancelled because she'd rather just see me. It seemed like things were going great.

 

Then things took a bad turn, due to my actions. I had known she was on these dating sites, and one night, while I had all these paranoid thoughts about her dating someone else, I figured out her password to one of the sites and logged on. I couldn't turn myself away and I ended up reading some of her messages. I know this is a terrible thing to do and I shouldn't have done it and I regret it deeply.

 

I started to get really paranoid, thinking she was dating others behind my back and not telling me, even though she said if she did go on a date with someone else, she would let me know. So I ended up signing up for one of the sites just out of curiosity.

 

She found out someone had read some of her messages and she confronted me about it, and I flat out lied to her and said it wasn't me. Big mistake. She believed me and things went back to normal.

 

Then when I thought things were really on the right track with us...she tells me her friend called her and told her she found my profile on this dating site. She was upset because I had previously told her I didn't want to date other people. Which is true, I didn't, I didn't sign up for that site in hopes of going on dates, I did it out of curiosity and also because my ex was already on there first.

 

She confronted me again about reading her messages and this time I confessed to it. She was really upset and hurt that I lied to her. This happened Tuesday night and since then, she will barely talk to me. We spoke briefly Wednesday night and she said she isn't sure if she wants to speak or see me again, she needs to time think about it.

 

When she first confronted me about reading her stuff, she said if she did find out it was me, she would never talk to me again. So, now that she found out, she is saying she has to "think about it", which gives me hope because if she was really serious about not talking to me again, she would be saying that and not telling me she needs to think about it.

 

So here I am, it seems like I just went 10 steps back and now I am crushed. This has always been my biggest problem, being honest, and I screwed up again. I can only hope she forgives me and we can pick up where we left off. I just have a feeling she is really upset with the fact that I went through her stuff, lied to her about it, and also that I joined a dating site after I told her I didn't want to see anyone else.

 

Is there any hope left? I know I did a terrible thing when I invaded her privacy and lied to her about it, but I have to live with the fact that I did it, and I can't take it back. I have to live with the consequences now.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Aw TMW, you did screw up, didn't you? Don't snoop...EVER! If you want to know something, ask her straight up. From there on, you just have to trust her (or not). It sounded like she was being up front with you.

 

I'm afraid I can't agree that being honest is your biggest problem - it doesn't sound like lying is your forte either. Aye yi yi, what to do now...

 

I think a lot depends on how your relationship has been going. It sounds like you guys were getting back on track...but the best course may differ depending on how bonded you guys were when this all started. I'm thinking if she mentioned that she didn't want to date anyone else but you, and was talking about Hawaii and you in the same sentence, things must have been going well.

 

This is what I would do. First, I would give her a few days to calm down. Don't pester her. Let her contact you. The next time you talk, setup a time to meet in person. I think you're in too deep now to give anything but the truth - and given your lying prowess, it is clearly your only hope. I would just spill your guts and grovel for a moment. Start by saying something like "honey, I'm an idiot. I know I shouldn't have invaded your privacy. But the thought of losing you, and you dating other guys, just drove me absolutely insane. I apologize. I've learned my lesson and it will never happen again. How can I make this right?"

 

Then listen to what she has to say, but keep it SHORT. I remember your dynamic, and she liked to go on and on about the same old crap. Do NOT let that happen. If you let her drone on about this too long, things will spiral out of control for you again. Hopefully you've shown her enough confidence and direction the past two months that you can quickly dispatch this and lead her out of the mire. Don't let her wallow. Apologize, listen briefly, and tell her you want to move on. If she goes on for too long about it - leave.

 

Don't turn back into her doormat over this one. Being confident got you this far. Hopefully it can save your butt once again. It's the only chance you've got.

 

You are definitely a challenge, TMW. Good to hear from you again.

[Tell Me Why]

I forgot to mention..the day after this all happened and she didn't want to talk to me I sent her an email where I spilled my guts and apologized and told her how much I still loved her and didn't want to lose her and that I was wrong for doing what I did. She replied back and said that she read the email and it was nice, but she says we should talk when she has had more time to think.

 

So its been a couple days and I haven't heard from her and I really want to call her. I'm just freaking out over the idea that she might not want to see me anymore. Should I just give her time and let her contact me when she's ready?? Or should I make the call?

[oldenoughtoknow]

Don't call her. She has to process this latest issue. Don't worry that she doesn't want to see you anymore. She does. Let her come to you. Otherwise, it's just like my advice before. Keep your phone calls short. Arrange a time when you will meet in person. I would stick with the original advice. Tell her you screwed up, apologize, let her vent a few minutes and drop it. Move on. Don't let her dwell on it for too long like you've let her do in the past. If she won't stop, leave. Take back some control and show some confidence. Okay, you screwed up. But now, we need to forgive and move on. Do NOT let her wallow. Good luck...

[Tell Me Why]

Don't worry that she doesn't want to see you anymore. She does.

 

I really hope you are right about that. The waiting is just awful. I'm just wondering why she's not calling.

[anggrace]

She's not calling because she needs time to think about it, like she had told you. And nobody knows if she wants to be with you. Only she knows that. Give her more time.

[Tell Me Why]

Well whataya know....she called late last night and asked if I could come spend the night. I guess that a good sign right?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I told ya she's not done with you, TMW. Now just stop shooting yourself in the foot and get on with this thing....

[Tell Me Why]

Well, I thought things might be on the right track and then I hit another bump in the road. We went out for a nice dinner on Friday and we didn't bring up the past, we had a good time like the old days. I spent the night and I thought things were good.

 

Then I get an email this morning that reads:

 

"Listen, for some reason I have been pretty upset this weekend about the wedding. I think maybe for my sanity we shouldn’t talk until after Sept 12th (this was our planned wedding date). I am not mad at you but I would just rather not think about you or the wedding right now. I hope you understand. It would be really good for me I think if I could just concentrate on doing some things I have to do, like getting ready for the ½ marathon. Don’t worry I am not saying I don’t want to talk to you again or anything like that, but just that I need to not think about anything upsetting right now."

 

Ouch. What should I do now? I feel like an idiot. I keep telling her over and over again that I love her and want to be with her again...she keeps telling me she can't trust me right now...and then I get an email like this...not to mention the fact that she is still on those dating sites.

 

When do I just stop trying? I just don't know what she wants and I don't think she knows what she wants right now. But am I just supposed to sit around and just wait for her to make up her mind? I didn't respond to that email she sent me because I really don't know what to say. I'm just hurt and confused.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Ouch, is right. What a bunch of crap. I would go total NC. Don't respond to her email. Don't answer her phone calls. If she does manage to contact you, tell her you're just honoring her wishes and you're getting on with your life. Then walk away, hang up, as appropriate.

 

You've been begging her forgiveness again - that's the problem. Her vacillation and struggle for control has got to stop. If she wants to start this little game again, show her you mean business.

[Tell Me Why]

So I should just move on and forget about her? Should I give up all hope of reconcilation at this point? I don't know If I can do that. I'm clinging to the hope that we will be together again because I can't picture my future without her.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm not necessarily saying that you should do that...but you have to make her believe that you're willing to walk. Show her that you will only put up with so much BS. Period! When you make a stand, show her your confidence again - that is when this will stop.

 

Remember what got you to this point? Don't cling to anything! Right now, you have to get on with your life, keep yourself busy, be happy and satisfied. Then, she'll realize her mistake.

[spinstermanquee]

You know, after following this roller coaster for a while... I just think it's too much water under the bridge for you both.

 

There is such a thing as too much drama and too many hills and valleys, ups and downs, whatever you want to call them.

 

Now you are both scarred and scared. Why not just close this chapter of your life and move on to someone who you can enjoy a drama-free relationship with?

 

These ups and downs are not real life, they are a simulation of some TV show. I'm moving to Hawaii and leaving you. I'm not. I might after all... I trust you. I love you. I'm sneaking in your email and dating accounts.

 

OY!!!!

 

You have some really wonderful potential to be an awesome partner to a lovely woman. Get out there and use it, and keep the faith, and stop chasing this woman that you have gone beyond reparable with...

 

Just my .02, don't have to take my advice... just tired of seeing you suffering in this untenable situation.

[Tell Me Why]

I appreciate your advice, but I feel like its impossible for me right now to just close this book and move on completely.

 

She called me last night and left a message, saying that I didn't do anything wrong and that as it gets closer to what our wedding date was going to be, she has been very upset and that I am a reminder of that. She says she just wants to focus on some other things and try to take her mind of the fact that we were supposed to get married in less than two weeks from now. She says that we will definitely be talking once the 12th comes and goes but she just doesn't want to think of anything upsetting right now. She said she has layed in bed crying about this whole thing.

 

The thing that frustrates me, is that we can get married! I told her I wanted to be with her again and get married, but she keeps saying that she can't trust me and this and that. Maybe you are right, maybe there is too much drama.

 

But I think once we start talking again I am just going to ask her what she thinks we are doing. I will tell her that there is no point in us doing this and being in each other lives unless we get back together and get back on track, because what has been happening lately has only brought both of us pain.

 

So I guess its one final shot at getting back together. I will tell her flat out what I want. If she doesn't want the same thing, then I guess its time to close the book and move on, as hard as that will be.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Now you've got the right attitude.

[Tell Me Why]

Its been four days and I haven't heard from her at all. I guess she is really serious about not talking to me until after the 12th. I am going to respect that. I haven't texted, emailed, any of that. These past four days however have seemed like an eternity. I'm not doing good. I feel like I'm crumbling. I barely have an appetite and I have been drinking more than I should. The idea of losing her forever is killing me and I can't deal with it right now. I have this fear that after the 12th rolls around, she will decide that us not talking was good for her and that we should just end what we had going and not see each other anymore.

 

I love her so much I just wish I knew what she wanted and what she forsees happening with us so I can officially try to move on. As long as she is on the fence about us, I never will be able to. I will tell her that unless we get back together, there can be no us. I don't want to date, I don't want to go back and forth, up and down, I don't want to always be unsure about everything. I want to be with her and if she doesn't want the same, it has to end because otherwise I will never be happy.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Hang in there. You have to - really. This is a good practice for you to get into. You have to find happiness in your own life if you want a chance to make your relationship work. Find something to do. Call up some friends. Go out with them. Go out to dinner. Go to a movie. Go to a baseball game. Go to a high school baseball game if you don't live in an urban area. Just keep yourself busy. Have some fun.

 

Remember, clingy is not attractive. You have to keep your confidence up. Remind yourself that you are going to have a full, happy life with or without her. You don't need to waste another ten days of your life feeling bad, wondering what she's going to do. Don't give her that control. Live your life. Find a way to be happy. If you don't, you'll look like a forlorn puppy dog when you see her after the 12th. Believe me, that won't get you anywhere.

[Tell Me Why]

I am going to the beach for the weekend with a group of friends, so that should be good. I will have fun and try not to think about her. Its always when I am having fun with my friends that I realize that I can be happy no matter what happens, and that there are truly people out there who care about me and I can find happiness in life with or without this particular person.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry hon. I have to agree with this. I know it's hard for you to imagine letting go, but she's already let you go.

[Tell Me Why]

Well if she already let me go then why is she still calling me and wanting to see me? She called on Friday and wanted to see me and this is after she said she didn't want to talk to me until after the 12th. I feel like she hasn't let go either.

[Tell Me Why]

This past weekend was supposed to be our wedding weekend. I felt pretty crappy the whole weekend. Then I get a call from her last night asking me to come spend the night and cuddle with her. What the F?! I could not do it but we are going to go to dinner on Friday. I think at dinner I am going to tell her I can't do this crap anymore...No more back and forth, up and down, uncertain crap. Its either we get back together and work on this, or else we can't be in each others lives. Its too hard for me. It has only brought me pain and I'm sure it has brought her pain as well. I can't just be her friend or "date" her and see how things go, either we are a couple and try to make it work, or else we are nothing. It's been almost 6 months and I haven't been able to move on because I'm still hung up on the chance for reconcilation.

 

Just when I think she has no intentions of getting back together, she proves me otherwise by wanting me to come over and "cuddle". I'm on my last nerve. It's all or nothing. I will never be happy in my life unless a) We stop this nonsense and get back together and work on our relationship, or b) We cut ties with each other so we can both finally move on. Its one or the other, I can't have it in between. I can't just "date" her or be her friend. That's no longer in the cards for me, I just have to be assertive about this.

[Ms Darcy]

Well if she already let me go then why is she still calling me and wanting to see me? She called on Friday and wanted to see me and this is after she said she didn't want to talk to me until after the 12th. I feel like she hasn't let go either.

 

She let you go by ending the relationship.

[Tell Me Why]

Well, yes, but she didn't truly let me go when she is talking about reconciling and always wanting to see me. To me, letting go is never looking back and officially closing the book, which she hasn't done.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Now you've got it! Just try to keep that attitude through Friday.

[Tell Me Why]

I think I am going to take some time away from this board to focus on myself and finding happiness in my life. It has been almost six months since I started this thread and it has been quite a roller coaster. I just want to thank each and everyone of you who contributed to this thread. It contains some of the best advice I've ever received and for that I am greatly appreciative. But although the advice has been great and I've taken it to heart, I can no longer rely on the words of others to find happiness and comfort in my life. I need to focus on myself and in getting my life back on track.

 

Me and the ex met for dinner on Friday at which I told her that I couldn't do this anymore. I told her I couldn't do this thing where we see each other, then we don't, we're talking to each other, then we aren't, etc. etc. I told her that I wanted to be with her but that as long as she didn't know what she wanted, I couldn't be a part of this because it wasn't fair to me and it stops me from moving on in my life because as long as we are involved in each others lives, I will always have that glimmer of hope.

 

I told her I'd never find happiness if we continued doing what we were doing. She told me she didn't know what she wanted. She said on the one hand, she couldn't trust me because of the things I did, but on the other hand, she said she cared about me a lot and enjoyed spending time with me and seeing me, and the thought of me not being in her life was very upsetting. But she said she was unsure if she wanted to get back together and told me that if I needed to protect myself, I should. She said she needed time to think about it all.

 

The dinner was short and we both went our separate ways after that. I am doing my best to deal with the situation, even though its hard. But its been almost 6 months and I haven't progressed at all and that needs to change. I am going to stop focusing on her and the thought of getting back together. I am going to focus on me. I am going to live my life and do the things I want to do in order to be happy. I am not going to go out of my way to contact her anymore. And if she contacts me, I am going to flat out tell her that unless we gave this another shot and got back together, I could not be in her life in any way, shape, or form, meaning that I will never speak to her or see her again.

 

Some might think that is harsh, but I'm not going to think that anymore. For so many years I've worried about what she thought, what she wanted, what it would take to make her happy, while never thinking enough about myself. Now I need to put me first. If never talking to her or seeing her again is what I need to do in order to move on and find happiness in my life, then thats what I am going to do. I can't just be her friend. It's too difficult.

 

So that is where this story kind of ends in a way. Today I begin the process of moving on and not worrying about what my ex is going to do or say, or whether she is going to call me, or wondering what this means, or what that means, analyzing every stupid little thing. I've cried many tears since Friday and my mind has gone to dark places, but I always end up seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know in my heart I am a good person and that I will find happiness without this person if I have to. It's just a shame it has been so long since this happened and its only now that I really am going to try to move on and heal.

 

So again, I just want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread, most notably richpart. I won't forget it and I'm sure I will pop back here from time to time to give you updates on how everything is going. Thank you all and take care!!!