Walking away and moving forward....

[rikka]

And then he doesn't call. He disappears off the radar for days - which should reinforce to me why this is a BAD idea. I know he doesn't "owe" me anything, and it blows hot-and-cold when he calls me everyday for over two weeks and then nothing after things seem to be headed into a "danger zone". And I am feeling more and more like the girlfriend again - except I cannot hold him accountable for anything. BLARGH! I should stop, at least until I get my head straightened out. I can't. I enjoy having him in my life and I don't want to lose him completely. But I really need to step back.

 

Some of his recent behaviour explains why he has had the need to tell me so many details of his recent life - including the women he didn't have sex with (though he could have). One even called while he was on the phone with me (we were on his landline - free LD and she called the cell). So I got to overhear the whole conversation... I tried not to listen, but I am nosy enough. So when he gets back on the phone with me he felt the need to explain who she was and how he knows her and the nature of their interactions yaddi yaddi yaddi - but I never asked. Quite frankly I don't want to know. Moreover this from the man who never felt the need to tell me about certain females he was still in communication with at the start of our relationship (including a nutbar stalking ex) - even if I asked. MIXED MESSAGES.

 

You know what I need to do... I need to start dating again. I need to seek out other desirable me who will make him see less desirable by comparison. I need to reread the front half of this journal and remind myself why we parted ways. I need to ask him WHAT we are doing - and get that all sorted out - but I know the minute I have that conversation he will be gone. Maybe that is a good thing.

[rikka]

Friends of ours got married last night - he was the one invited (friends from BC which he "won in the divorce" - I seemed to keep the SK friends and he got the BC ones for the most part)... Interestingly enough, for the five plus years we were together we only went to four weddings together (out of the more than 20 we were invited to). Some of them we were not able to attend. Some of them, due to scheduling and/or relationship, only one of us was able to attend. The absent one was always kept in the loop via phonecalls/texts/pictures/video. They were always there in spirit and the well-wishes passed forward through the attending party. Given my perceived nature of our relationship, I always found weddings to be hard - especially when I attended them alone. I would watch people get married who had been together for a shorter time than the two of us - there was envy. I think this is what kind of gave me the push near the end - his ultimate lack of desire for further commitment after five years.

 

ANYWAY (totally got mentally sidetracked) a few weeks ago mutual friends of ours were married (it was "my" wedding - they were in SK and I had "won" them). Being the good friend that he is, he asked me to pass on his congratulations and forward his package for him. This began our usual wedding correspondence/banter. And then he became a bit of a rock and shelter amid the drama (hooboy was there a lot of drama). And then we talked ALOT. I thought I would chalk it up to me being a bit drunk and thought that would be the end of it.

 

I didn't expect what happened last night to actually happen. He started updating me mid-morning, sending pictures from his phone. Touching base and letting me know what was going on. He kept going all night until I fell asleep. And when I woke up this morning there was a "I think you fell asleep. sleep tight and sweet dreams" message waiting for me. Even worse was the one earlier in the evening (a few bottles of wine into the night) when I received a "I'm thinking about you" message from him. BLAH!!!! What is he doing? What am I doing???? UGH! I shouldn't be doing this!

[rikka]

I feel so bad for my sister. Her and her husband are trying to have a baby - they have no problem conceiving, she just keeps losing them. She just had her third "miscarriage" since January. Since they are trying she is pretty in tune with her body so she tests early. The first two ended 4-5 weeks into the pregnancy and she said they were more physically painful than emotionally. This last one was at about 8 weeks - and it is hitting her hard. She is frustrated and emotionally hurt this time. I am trying to be there for her, but it is hard because I don't know what she is going through emotionally or physically. Her and hubby are stressed about a few things in their life - which may contribute to some of this. I suggested they take some "time off" and wait for a bit. They keep getting their hopes up and then dashed, it is hard to watch it and I can't even imagine what they are going through. It is awful.

[rikka]

I've decided I have to walk away again. It is not worth my sanity to keep banging my head against that wall. I want more than friendship - but that will not happen again - so I will walk away from that avenue. I need to move forward again and not move backwards. I will still be friends, but I am making the decision to stop anything else from happening. It will not result in anything good. It almost feels like breaking up again, almost.

[rikka]

And then I turn right around and go back. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID! Even worse, I confessed to a friend and she is encouraging all of this. She thinks this is a brilliant idea. I am not so sure but I cannot walk away. Glutton for punishment. I am an emotional masochist.

 

Hah, have an appointment with a counselor in a month....not a moment too soon.

 

(Guess who I am talking to right now.... )