Sick of her head games.

[Unquestionable]

I didn't think I'd be back here, but here I am..

 

Back story:

 

Broke up with my partner, long distance relationship. Broke up due to an argument that turned nasty.

 

This was a month ago, things have been up and down since. It went from her not wanting it ever again to more recently we had planned to meet up and see what happened.

 

Recently:

 

For ages she spoke to me just like I was a friend and didn't like me saying anything flirty or coupleish to her.

 

More recently though she had been different, she started getting more flirty with me, to the point where she actually mentioned how she'd like to try phone sex sometime (not something I've ever done, but anyway), following this was quite an erotic conversation via text.

 

Aside from this she's also told me recently I'm perfect and I'm too good for her. There may be other things but the latter two examples are enough to prove my point.

 

In any event, last night I felt somewhat annoyed after reading old texts she sent before we went out, building up to our relationship which spurred me on to initiate a convo between us about what was going on.

 

I said I didn't feel like I was able to make her feel that way anymore and that it gets to me, she acted confused like she didn't know why I was thinking this then eventually said she didnt want to talk about it 'now'.

 

But thats what I'm f*cking sick of, she NEVER wants to talk about it. She always buries her head in the sand which I find immensely selfish. It's fine for her because she knows how I feel about her so she can afford to let this drag on as long as she wants, because either way she gets what she wants out of it.

 

The convo ended and she went offline and said I could text her if I liked. I didn't text within 5 minutes and she messaged me with 'or not.. x'. I explained I was getting into bed and she apologised. After this I brought it up in text, which Ill relay to you all now:

 

Me: I feel like a fool because I pine for you and it seems youd rather I kept it friendly.

Her: Shall I leave you alone?

Me: No, you could tell me how you feel. Then I could stop making a mockery of myself:

Her: 'I feel the same as I did 2/3 weeks ago' (when this all began)

Me: How was that?

Her: That Im not ready to try and sort it out

Me: Nothings changed even tho its got alot more flirty? (our convo the other night wouldnt have happened 2 weeks ago *this refers to the erotic conversation*). If thats true I mustnt be doing much right, 3 weeks passing without you wanting me the slightest bit more means iv made no impression at all in that time. I should probably just piss off

Her: Oh whatever

Me: You dont talk how we did the other night to someone you just want to be friends with no matter what you say. Its changed. But clearly not enough, Im not that great if youre in no rush to have me, so Ill just accept it.

Her: Hmm

Me: Least now I wont be noseying, pestering you with compliments or clinging onto your leg asking how you are. You get what you want

Her: Right

 

That was it until today, I went to sleep and the convo ended.

 

Today we spoke more in text and I asked her what exactly was wrong with me that she can go a month without making any decisions on what she wants. She replies that nothing is wrong with me, and adds 'Im not in the right state to have a reltionship'.

 

I asked her if she loved me, because I needed a bottom line on this stupid situation and her reply was 'Not like I did'. As you can imagine that cut deep, I asked 'is that it, gone forever then?' her reply being what she usually says to any crucial question: 'I dont know'.

 

I then speak my mind and say how it's only going to go one way if she continues how she's been going, keeping me at arms length. She's never going to realise her feelings for me if she keeps pushing me away. The only time we flirt is when she wants to, if I start it first its ignored and moved on from awkwardly. I tell her we need to stop putting the barriers up and let ourselves get closer again, but when asked if she's going to do that she again says 'I dont know'.

 

After this I try to prove the pont by asking if theres anyone shed like to have rather than me, her answer being 'no' I said 'then cant we just stop ignoring how we feel and act like it'...she replies with 'no. we cant', simply because she 'doesnt want to'.

 

I've got pissed off by this point and ask if she is afraid we might lose it altogether if this keeps up and her reply is 'no'.

 

^ To me that was uncalled for. She flirts with me when she wants to, tells me Im perfect and talks to me about us having sex but then she can turn aruond and say she isnt worried if we lose it altogether?

 

What sort of a horrible human being am I dealing with here? I've told her all of this, I accused her of leading me on with her sexual talk, flirtation and constantly wanting to see me on cam and have me phone her, I asked her why she speaks that way to someone she supposedly doesnt want and her reply is 'I dont know'.

 

The whole fiasco today ended with her saying 'I dont want it', I ask 'now or ever?' and her reply is 'I dont even know'. I said she'd know once we met and she replies with 'I wont. Il just feel like i have to be a couple again cause your here'. i try to explain that she wont do anything she doesnt want to and that she wants to see me anyway, but she doesnt reply to that.

 

I'm so sick of this. I love her with all my heart but she's so selfish and blunt, and she never knows anything.

 

I find it incredibly self absorbed that she knows how I feel about her and that Im hanging on and on to see what happens, but she is still in no rush to get a f*cking answer to this situation.

 

Is it just me or is she being a complete and utter idiot?

[velvette]

I think she knows, and the answer is 'no' but she wants you to keep clinging to her leg with compliments, so to speak.

[hulk7280]

im going to give you some tough love bro..

 

she is doing what a lot of people do.. she is using you as an ego boost knowing she has u wrapped around her finger and she doesnt have to do a damn thing..

 

she has made it clear she is pretty indiffrent about your sitaution and instead of doing wha tu shoudl do.. (have some self-respect and walk away) you keep pushing.. which is just going to push her away even more..

[Unquestionable]

I think she knows, and the answer is 'no' but she wants you to keep clinging to her leg with compliments, so to speak.

 

She doesnt even react when I compliment her.

 

She was talking last night about parts of herself she doesnt like, and how shed get numerous surgical procedures done if she had the money.

 

She mentioned one area of herself she didnt like and I complimented her on it and she just disagreed with me.

 

I dont constantly compliment her anyway, since I started getting the impression it just wasnt making a difference.

[Unquestionable]

im going to give you some tough love bro..

 

she is doing what a lot of people do.. she is using you as an ego boost knowing she has u wrapped around her finger and she doesnt have to do a damn thing..

 

she has made it clear she is pretty indiffrent about your sitaution and instead of doing wha tu shoudl do.. (have some self-respect and walk away) you keep pushing.. which is just going to push her away even more..

 

She has a tendency to push everything away when shes annoyed, like a complete child.

 

She likes to huff by herself for a while until she's over it.

 

Being like that just makes it hard to decipher what shes being genuine about when she talks in this situation.

 

You seem to be right mostly tho.

[quirky]

have you ever cut contact with her? This might help you both realise what you really feel. I have a feeling she's taking you for granted and I can imagine this uncertainty is messing with your state of mind. If she's acting childish maybe you should be more assertive, with your self first of all, and ignore her?

[Unquestionable]

have you ever cut contact with her? This might help you both realise what you really feel. I have a feeling she's taking you for granted and I can imagine this uncertainty is messing with your state of mind. If she's acting childish maybe you should be more assertive, with your self first of all, and ignore her?

 

Hmm, no real NC.

 

I did try it once near the beginning, but she came to me on MSN and started apologising for things, then was telling me of a problem she had.

 

I left abruptly during this convo to go out and got random texts from her that night, which is something she wouldnt do.

 

But thats the only experience of NC we've had.

 

I was going to try it again, but then she started to flirt with me again and seemed to be coming around until I put her on the spot today.

[velvette]

I don't mean it literally, but she likes having you around her because you make her feel wanted. special. validated. I don't think she'd want you back, just as an outsider's view. she's just using you for a self-esteem boost I'd say.

 

tell her to back off until she, herself, knows what she wants, as it's not fair to your feelings.

[Unquestionable]

Who knows, you could all be right.

 

Maybe she feels nothing for me and is just playing me for worlds biggest idiot.

 

Although I don't think she'd do that, we were very much in love so I'm inclined to believe she is perhaps just really confused.

 

She has showed signs that she would be jealous and hurt if I were to flirt with someone else or be attracted else where and has also said she only has eyes for me.

 

Something is preventing this though.

 

I would say its because she found out bad news about the health of a family member, but her behaviour was like this even before that, so I dont see it as a relevant excuse.

[Goldilocks]

I have to agree with most people in here; that she's using you. She takes what she needs, and then leaves you hanging there and gives nothing back. It sounds like she is using you as her go to person because she knows how much you want her.

 

Some of her answers/ responses just sound so cold to me.

 

You know her, we don’t but you also have a different view as you have a lot of feelings and hope invested in this so you also want to “read” into things differently.

 

In my opinion as painful as it is you need to decide how you’re going to let yourself be treated. (Easy to say I know.) Is hope going to keep you where you are atm or are you going to decide she can’t have her cake and eat it too?

[Unquestionable]

I have to agree with most people in here; that she's using you. She takes what she needs, and then leaves you hanging there and gives nothing back. It sounds like she is using you as her go to person because she knows how much you want her.

 

Some of her answers/ responses just sound so cold to me.

 

You know her, we don’t but you also have a different view as you have a lot of feelings and hope invested in this so you also want to “read” into things differently.

 

In my opinion as painful as it is you need to decide how you’re going to let yourself be treated. (Easy to say I know.) Is hope going to keep you where you are atm or are you going to decide she can’t have her cake and eat it too?

 

I'm glad Im not the only one who thinks shes being cold, thats very much the impression I get too. Theres no telling her that though.

 

I'm getting to the point of telling her to get lost, although it is really hard.

 

Before today I thought it was building towards getting better, things had changed alot. However when put on the spot for any sort of evaluation of her feelings she turns cold and reverted to saying nothing had changed when it clearly had.

 

I dunno, I think ideally I'd like to meet as we had planned and see if that makes any difference. It was supposed to happen at the start of May.

 

Whether thats still on the cards or not though I have no idea.

[Ms Darcy]

How much longer do you need to be strung along until you understand that she doesn't love you, want you, and will not be with you in the same way again? I know that's harsh, but at this point, you need to hear it. You aren't even together and you are sick of her games.

 

She owes you nothing. Also, you owe her nothing. Things get better when she doesn't have to deal with issues. IE, she's happy when she gets your time and attention but doesn't have to give you answers, love, and affection. It's EASY to see that she's not going to get back with you. It's hard to think with your head when your heart wants something else. Cut her off so that you can heal and find someone who wants you too. Best.

[Unquestionable]

How much longer do you need to be strung along until you understand that she doesn't love you, want you, and will not be with you in the same way again? I know that's harsh, but at this point, you need to hear it. You aren't even together and you are sick of her games.

 

She owes you nothing. Also, you owe her nothing. Things get better when she doesn't have to deal with issues. IE, she's happy when she gets your time and attention but doesn't have to give you answers, love, and affection. It's EASY to see that she's not going to get back with you. It's hard to think with your head when your heart wants something else. Cut her off so that you can heal and find someone who wants you too. Best.

 

You sound more sure than even she is.

 

I assume maybe you only read the first post.

 

Today it was very much how you described, she didnt want to give answers or any affection.

 

However that was an argument.

 

For a while now she was beginning to give more affection back.

 

Hell, you could still be right. However if thats going to be your opinion youd be best making it with the proper knowledge. It isn't as completely one sided and cold as your reply would suggest.

[Goldilocks]

You are in a very painful situation, and I truly feel for you. I hope you get what you want but to me this sounds like a bad situation for you where you’re basically going to get hurt whichever way you go.

 

If the fact that she just miiiight decided to get back to together though I think even you agree (?) it does not sound likely is worth the pain to you, then that’s your choice to make.

 

It seems a little like you posted because you would like us to give you another explanation to her behavior than the obvious one... :s

[Ms Darcy]

Unquestionable,

 

I read every post and every response. I'm only a person on the internet, and I don't know this woman. Unfortunately, you don't know every motivation behind this woman's actions either. The only person who really knows her thoughts and motivations is the woman herself.

 

I would caution you to avoid defensiveness as you solicit opinions on your situation. We are only getting your side of the story here. It may be that you are equally as defensive with her and push her away. Maybe she is interested in getting back with you, but she feels that you push her, you are too needy, too clingy, and not strong. There are many many possibilities. Who knows? All I know is that you are continually getting feedback that she's using you, that she's cold to you, and that she doesn't seem to want you back. What you do with that information is up to you.

 

If you try to bully her as you just tried to bully me [indicating that I 'best be' doing something], I hope for her sake that she stays away from you.

[Unquestionable]

You are in a very painful situation, and I truly feel for you. I hope you get what you want but to me this sounds like a bad situation for you where you’re basically going to get hurt whichever way you go.

 

If the fact that she just miiiight decided to get back to together though I think even you agree (?) it does not sound likely is worth the pain to you, then that’s your choice to make.

 

It seems a little like you posted because you would like us to give you another explanation to her behavior than the obvious one... :s

 

I realised what people would think.

 

I'm just a bit of a paranoid person at times, so I needed to know I wasnt blowing up over nothing.

 

I'm just making sure everyone knows that her behaviour today during this argument, isnt the same as her behaviour normally.

 

I think people are assuming that for the past month she's been cold and dismissive to me and I've been the one coming out with all the relationship talk, when the fact is she has said alot of suggestive things to me during our time apart, mostly recently.

[Unquestionable]

Bully you? Do you not think thats highly over sensitive?

 

I gave you a bit of background information that I thought would be crucial to forming your opinion. To refer to that as bullying seems very OTT to me.

 

In regard to the other things you said, we've been through alot of the stages you've spoken of. Needyness, clingyness, all of that stuff.

 

After a brief period of that rollercoaster ride I pulled back and reduced myself to just speaking to her as a friend. From there on we spoke more frequently, I didnt ask any questions or suggest anything and it then grew a bit more to the point where she'd be open to phone calls and she'd request we go on cam together, she'd ask for us to watch the same things on television so we could speak about them etc

 

Then from there she started to say things like I was perfect, she'd show signs of jealousy, speak about us being intimate and say things like 'as long as I find you attractive thats all that matters' when I mentioned something about my appearance I didnt like/might change.

 

Today however I was a bit down and wanted some sort of evaluation, the waiting and assuming had got to me. It ended up in an argument and the first post contains what happened.

 

I'd rather everyone would not take that as the be all and end all though, the other stuff I've mentioned above is bound to mean something as well in the grand scheme of things.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand where you are coming from, but I come from the school of thought that relationships don't have to be this hard. And this is no longer a relationship.

 

Of course, in the beginning of a relationship, people need time for exploration of feelings etc before having a talk about cementing the relationship is appropriate. After time goes by, it's time to sit down and talk about what both people want and need like mature adults.

 

This is different because the relationship happened and ended. If, for whatever reason after the relationship ends, someone cannot decide, is unsure, or cannot talk, then the writing is on the wall. The most sensical and humane advice is to leave that person alone. Perhaps all the person needed is a little space to realize what they had or to realize that they need to move on. Either way, after a breakup, uncertainty, wishy washiness, inner feelings of anger and lack of esteem are all red flags.

 

It's 100xs harder to fix a relationship that is no longer a relationship.

 

I know it's hard to hear advice that doesn't tell you what you want to hear, that's she's probably going to come running back you, stay with you, and build a better relationship. It's entirely possible that could happen, but it sounds like you need to move on and both of you need to mature before any of that can really happen.

[Unquestionable]

I appreciate your honesty and precision.

 

Believe me, I've been hearing the whole 'leave her be' thing since this started and I described a few posts ago how my attempt at that went.

 

As I said to another poster, I was about to try it again but then suddenly things picked up and the examples I've already given you started to occur. I'd hate to feel as though all I had to do was leave her alone to fix this and that I've missed the chance, but hopefully you can see I had good reason to stop and think maybe it would work out with me being present, due to things she'd been saying.

 

Your comments about the uncertainty and wishy washiness made alot of sense.

 

I sent her a text just now and said I wasnt trying to push her into anything, and that I just wanted an idea of where we were headed, or a clue to how she felt and that I'd speak to her tomorrow, and put a kiss on the end which I usually do to show I'm not angry at her or anything. I recieved an 'okay x' in return, so following what everyone has said here I'm thinking of telling her that what you all reckon she's doing is what I'm afraid of happening, and that's why I needed to know how she felt.

 

If she can't convince me that she isn't doing what you all say then I'm going to have to take everyones advice and leave.

[and again]

Mate your ex`s indecision seems as mixed u asmine, i went nc for 5 weeks and she came running back, but it only lasted under a week, met twice we had a laugh got on well, had good sex. i tred to take it slow and yet she panicked again. Back to nc for me probably be a lot longer this time, even though we parted on good enough speaking terms. She really has to understand what she has lost to come back.

[AnotherDude]

I went through a very similar situation. I am not going to try to give you advice on your situation because every varialbe is different I am sure. I will just tell you that in my situation, it never got better. We were "in love" and going to "spend the rest of our lives together" according to her at one point. Then one day she just started being very cold and always told me she was busy . Thats when I knew it was over. She kept me at arms length until I finally blew up on her and broke up with her. She had a new boyfriend the next day. So that just goes to show you how unstable some people can be.

[Unquestionable]

I went through a very similar situation. I am not going to try to give you advice on your situation because every varialbe is different I am sure. I will just tell you that in my situation, it never got better. We were "in love" and going to "spend the rest of our lives together" according to her at one point. Then one day she just started being very cold and always told me she was busy . Thats when I knew it was over. She kept me at arms length until I finally blew up on her and broke up with her. She had a new boyfriend the next day. So that just goes to show you how unstable some people can be.

 

That sounds alot like my last relationship.

 

The always being busy thing definitely draws a comparison to my other relationship. She told me we would take a break and speak about it, but never provided any opportunity to speak as she'd always be doing something, seemingly she'd do anything as long as it meant she'd be too busy to discuss anything with me.

 

This one however is actually around quite alot. But I agree with the unstable thing, these situations are unfairly unpredictable.

 

I hope you're coping well.

[Pixiedoc]

I agree with most other posters here.

 

Getting a little closer, flirting etc could all be because she is either 'playing you', not wanting to let go entirely but not wanting a relationship with you, or just feeling a bit lonely and you make her feel better.

 

The way that she backs off all the time when you push it, or initiate a little more intimacy, though, says it all.

 

You've got your cards on the table all the time and you deserve reciprocal honesty. Saying 'I don't know' all the time is not really honesty, after having quite a while to think about things, it really does seem she's keeping you hanging on.

 

If you love her and want her back NC is probably best to give you some space as well - and that means no answering texts, or initiating conversations on MSN etc, after explaining what you're doing and why.

 

Maybe this will genuinely give her some space without pressure (and you a break) because at the moment you seem to be torturing yourself about this.

 

Good luck.

[and again]

Pixiedoc , im going through a similar thing, i wont initiate contact, but ex contacted me last week after 5 wks nc, i left it 2 days to reply, and then it was only, hi just to say ive read your txt, hope u are ok and have a good week.

Then 2 days later she txts gain, saying im not as hard hearted as you think, i think about you every day, etc dont blame you if you dont speak to me again.

We get chatting met up, everything good then she go`s again.

So i find it very hard not to reply to a message that i think opens the door again, but wish now i hadnt.

[Pixiedoc]

Pixiedoc , im going through a similar thing, i wont initiate contact, but ex contacted me last week after 5 wks nc, i left it 2 days to reply, and then it was only, hi just to say ive read your txt, hope u are ok and have a good week.

Then 2 days later she txts gain, saying im not as hard hearted as you think, i think about you every day, etc dont blame you if you dont speak to me again.

We get chatting met up, everything good then she go`s again.

So i find it very hard not to reply to a message that i think opens the door again, but wish now i hadnt.

 

That's such a shame, no one could blame you for thinking you are getting closer under those circumstances. Did she give you any encouragement during the time that you met up, did you get back together or did she just treat you like a friend?