cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 As the dumpee are we just meant to go on with life assuming we'll never get the ex back and never attempt to contact them again? Is that the idea? Basically, giving them the space they asked for and let them return if/when they're ready? I thought that the period of NC was spent on yourself getting your confidence and self esteem back. After this was done, when you're at the point where you DON'T CARE if you get your ex back, this is when you're supposed to contact them. Is that the right plan? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Why bother contacting your ex if you don't care anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I don't think the dumpees should ever contact the dumper. Dumpers should be the one to make the first move since they were the ones who ended it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 Why bother contacting your ex if you don't care anymore? Because at that point you have zero feelings of neediness and desperation. You "care" about the person but you don't care if you get back together or not. Thus your ex can see that you have changed and that you are "equals" not dumper/dumpee anymore. Anything that happens now will be a completely new relationship. If nothing happens then you can be sure that there will be no "what if's" and second chances wasted. Does anybody know if this is true? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince99 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Because at that point you have zero feelings of neediness and desperation. You "care" about the person but you don't care if you get back together or not. Thus your ex can see that you have changed and that you are "equals" not dumper/dumpee anymore. Anything that happens now will be a completely new relationship. If nothing happens then you can be sure that there will be no "what if's" and second chances wasted. Does anybody know if this is true? That's pretty much the gist of it. You just have to make sure you really don't care what they say. Or at least can come off like you don't. And if you DO care, you are sure you will be able to get over it in a pretty quick time if the answer is "no". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Because at that point you have zero feelings of neediness and desperation. You "care" about the person but you don't care if you get back together or not. Thus your ex can see that you have changed and that you are "equals" not dumper/dumpee anymore. Anything that happens now will be a completely new relationship. If nothing happens then you can be sure that there will be no "what if's" and second chances wasted. Does anybody know if this is true? If that's the case then the motivation for contact is indeed in the interests of getting back together...so you can't say the person is over it and just doesn't care anymore. That would be kidding yourself....like the child who adamantly claims he doesn't like chocolate icecream while longingly eyeing the chocolate icecream his brother is eating and won't share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cnstnt Evolutn Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I don't think the dumpees should ever contact the dumper. Dumpers should be the one to make the first move since they were the ones who ended it. Id have to agree here. She left me, i will not be the one to hang around her. Im in the process of moving on and am looking for another, better woman with whom i can have a deep connection. There are indirect ways of contacting her if you so choose. But i advise to use them only to show you have moved on and are happy with or without her. Sounds somewhat manipulative... but for example, if you are friends on social networking sites. You dont HAVE to block them, although i recommend staying away from their profile at first to help you make progress, as it did help me. You can, After enough time has passed, when you are no longer affected by what the ex does or is doing with others, you can post some new info about yourself, photos and whatnot, just to show that you are strong and can move on without the person. Post them when you have had enough time away, so that you arent posting them to get a reaction out of the ex, but posting them because you want to, because you want to show you are up to snuff and are a fun person. If they want to come back, they will. Have faith they will...i do with mine, but only YOU can with yours, because you know them best. Just dont let that hope consume you...have faith they will, but dont bank on it...dont let that person be your only prospect, because if they never do speak to you again - you will be in a much better position to still be happy and fulfilled in life. A significant other should be there to add to your life, not define it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 That's pretty much the gist of it. You just have to make sure you really don't care what they say. Or at least can come off like you don't. And if you DO care, you are sure you will be able to get over it in a pretty quick time if the answer is "no". I think that you would have to be a mountain of confidence before you can break NC without caring about the outcome. The only way you could get there is if you've done a hell of a lot of work on yourself during the NC period. I'm sure most of your exes has said something along the lines of "... I don't see things changing anytime soon with you......" We all know that you actually can't change you who are, but by becoming a better "version" of yourself you ex will sense that something has changed with you. This is just conjecture on my part - stuff I have read on the Internet. I'd like to know if anyone has actually done it successfully? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I don't think the dumpees should ever contact the dumper. Dumpers should be the one to make the first move since they were the ones who ended it. Most times, maybe, but not always. You have to factor in the personalities of the participants. Some dumpers would never call back -- even though they'd like to retest the waters -- because they're actually afraid to; they're afraid of their ex's potential wrath. Such are some personality types. I also think "don't care" is an overstatement. You don't want to break "NC" until you're strong enough to accept all possible outcomes, but that's hardly the same as not caring. You just need to be past the need/fear phase that follows a breakup. I appreciate "NC" too, but let's not let it become dogma. No one needs to pass up a chance at reconnection purely out of principle. When -- and only when -- you feel strong and in control, by all means call your ex and take your shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince99 Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I think that you would have to be a mountain of confidence before you can break NC without caring about the outcome. The only way you could get there is if you've done a hell of a lot of work on yourself during the NC period. Yep. That's why very few people succeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Most times, maybe, but not always. You have to factor in the personalities of the participants. Some dumpers would never call back -- even though they'd like to retest the waters -- because they're actually afraid to; they're afraid of their ex's potential wrath. Such are some personality types. I also think "don't care" is an overstatement. You don't want to break "NC" until you're strong enough to accept all possible outcomes, but that's hardly the same as not caring. You just need to be past the need/fear phase that follows a breakup. I appreciate "NC," but let's not let it become dogma. No one needs to pass up a chance at reconnection purely out of principle. When -- and only when -- you feel strong and in control, by all means call your ex and take your shot. I guess that's where we differ. For male dumpees, it's probably different. But, as a girl. I wouldn't put up with a guy who didn't literally fight to get me back . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 If that's the case then the motivation for contact is indeed in the interests of getting back together...so you can't say the person is over it and just doesn't care anymore. That would be kidding yourself....like the child who adamantly claims he doesn't like chocolate icecream while longingly eyeing the chocolate icecream his brother is eating and won't share. Look I'm not sure because if the dumpee has been dating other people and getting on with life then this will simply confirm that getting back with the ex is impossible. The dumpee can now forever cross reconciliation off the list knowing he/she has other options anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 ...... Some dumpers would never call back -- even though they'd like to retest the waters -- because they're actually afraid to; they're afraid of their ex's potential wrath. Such are some personality types. This has to be an important factor: pride, fear of being hurt again, or waiting for the dumpee to prove himself/herself to the dumper before they react. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canali Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 ''I thought that the period of NC was spent on yourself getting your confidence and self esteem back. After this was done, when you're at the point where you DON'T CARE if you get your ex back, this is when you're supposed to contact them.'' to me this is exactly the point: when you no longer really care and esp if you get the thumbs up or down from them is secondary to how YOU feel to the POWER you have regained...**they're no longer a significant source of VALIDATION for your worth as a beautiful human being....that now comes more from WITHIN yourself.** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 This has to be an important factor: pride, fear of being hurt again, or waiting for the dumpee to prove himself/herself to the dumper before they react. It really depends on why they broke up. If the dumpee did something bad, they should change. But, if it's the dumper that ended things and it is his fault...then the dumper should be the one that proves themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 That was beautiful canali, well said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriendnorFoe Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Somewhere down the road not now, only been 24 days of NC, I have been thinking of just sending her a text saying this was for the best no hard feeling, when I feel like I dont need the satisfaction of a reply, I dunno, I have mixed feeling about if it is on good ro bad terms, maybe somewhere in the middle, there was no yelling or fighting, she just kinda dropped the bomb then I took off, didnt look happy but I didnt jump up her ass, you think this is good enough positive closure to remain in NC? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cl76 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 Somewhere down the road not now, only been 24 days of NC, I have been thinking of just sending her a text saying this was for the best no hard feeling, when I feel like I dont need the satisfaction of a reply, I dunno, I have mixed feeling about if it is on good ro bad terms, maybe somewhere in the middle, there was no yelling or fighting, she just kinda dropped the bomb then I took off, didnt look happy but I didnt jump up her ass, you think this is good enough positive closure to remain in NC? You really should not break NC unless you are 100% over it and can move on without or without your ex. When you break NC you are NOT to mention the relationship AT ALL. Don't break NC with a text, call her, dont leave a message if she doesnt answer - just call again a few days later. And when you call her keep it light and casual, if you say anything about the old relationship you immediately have smoked your chances of getting her back, reminding her of the bad times and putting yourself back to square one. If she mentions the relationship you either 1) just mention that its the past and theres things left unresolved, but you dont want to go there - you're just "catching up" for fun or 2) you agree without defending your past actions/errors/mistakes.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canali Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Debaser wolf: your comment below. That is partly what happened to me (see the related rely posting above to same op but different thread)...I think that a part of her wanted to be pursued but I was hesitant too due to frustrations between us and with her daughter in the end ...she even said to me when I called her 7 weeks later for closure voicing my regret "why don't you say you will do it?" (Even when I bumped into her last week for the first time in 7 months since our breakup when she asked me to walk with her and join her for a coffee I declined/didnt pursue...and I could tell she felt badly too. But I'm still hurting and ambivalent too...messed up man lol). Hence in the end I also engaged in dumping behaviours but she beat me to the finish line...though I still think that with talk things might have changed but maybe not too. I guess that's where we differ. For male dumpees, it's probably different. But, as a girl. I wouldn't put up with a guy who didn't literally fight to get me back . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertigoxo Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 bQuick question- If the dumper, or dumpee (or both if the break up was mutual), asks for NC and you give it to them, do they have the power to break it since they initiated first? Or can it go both ways? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I was the dumpee......the breakup totally devastated me. For me it was about 9-12 months. I made contact when i no longer felt the twang of sadness and desperation. I forgave her and only felt feelings of fondness for her, but i had a very strong feeling that i no longer had any desire to get back together with her. when i made contact again it was very nice.......like seeing a long lost friend. Interestingly, as our friendship developed again, it was she who started to want more and she actually proposed that she was keen to start a relationship again and i'm sure it had a lot to do wth the fact that i was happy, confident and positive. I declined and told her i was happy with where things were at now. we have becom very good friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriendnorFoe Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I think that you would have to be a mountain of confidence before you can break NC without caring about the outcome. The only way you could get there is if you've done a hell of a lot of work on yourself during the NC period. I'm sure most of your exes has said something along the lines of "... I don't see things changing anytime soon with you......" We all know that you actually can't change you who are, but by becoming a better "version" of yourself you ex will sense that something has changed with you. This is just conjecture on my part - stuff I have read on the Internet. I'd like to know if anyone has actually done it successfully? I agree once you get your cnfidence back and are in the right mindset it dosent matter if you call them or not, becuase you wont be concerned with getting them back, however if you are at this point you prolly will be too busy with your own life to care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertigoxo Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I was the dumpee......the breakup totally devastated me. For me it was about 9-12 months. I made contact when i no longer felt the twang of sadness and desperation. I forgave her and only felt feelings of fondness for her, but i had a very strong feeling that i no longer had any desire to get back together with her. when i made contact again it was very nice.......like seeing a long lost friend. Interestingly, as our friendship developed again, it was she who started to want more and she actually proposed that she was keen to start a relationship again and i'm sure it had a lot to do wth the fact that i was happy, confident and positive. I declined and told her i was happy with where things were at now. we have becom very good friends. Wow, that post actually makes me really happy! It's good that some people are actually mature enough to handle a completely platonic relationship with an ex. Sigh, if only the world was more like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agtc Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I don't think the dumpees should ever contact the dumper. Dumpers should be the one to make the first move since they were the ones who ended it. ^ Yup, THIS. I am the dumpee and there's no way I'm going to contact the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Real Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Whenever you feel you are ready and I am the dumpee. I just did today after a year and three months of breakup. I don't know what will come out of it, but at least I know I'm not scared anymore. If she calls back, I'll take it from there and if not, I know I did what my heart told me to do since I'm mentally stronger and it's all about my confidence. Remember though, that every person and every situation is different Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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