Girlfriend broke up with me but still clings on

[jasav1]

I will do mate, definitely.

 

Desperately wanted to talk to her yesterday, not so much today. I didn't contact her and it's been 7 days now. We're both home for Easter from University, I doubt she's going to really miss me until we're both back at uni after next week. Sure she can spend more time with her friends, even go on a date with this other guy, but there's only so much of that you can do. Eventually she will be spending time by her own, quite a significant amount, and that was time she would usually have spent with me, she'll start feeling the affects.

 

What's keeping me going at the moment is the fact that when she texts me, and however small the subject matter is, it will mean I'm on her mind and she is missing me. If I text her (as she expects me to) then I don't truly know if she actually misses me (because no doubt she will say she is), she is simply being kind and replying to my text. Also, what am I trying to achieve by texting/calling her? Yes, it would be nice to hear her voice but I'm not going to get her back. The only chance I have of getting her back is by disappearing. She's going to wonder where I've gone soon

[jasav1]

So she rang me tonight. It was a general chat and I didn't beg for her back or anything, I didn't act like I had completely moved on either. I talked to her how it was when we were together - as a really good friend.

 

She said she checked my facebook page via her sisters account (she doesn't have one herself), but couldn't find me and this made her feel down. I had actually deleted my facebook account, knowing she would check it to see how I was doing. I didn't think it was fair that she could still keep a tab of my life like that, lol, whereas I couldn't - I know the girl too well, huh?!

 

She said she has found it extremely tough not contacting me and has constantly been checking her phone to see if I have got in contact. She wanted to know when I was going back to University and whether she could see me? She asked me this a few times, and when realising she wasn't getting very straight forward answers (I've told her I may stay at home and commute from now on) she said there's a few things of mine she needs to return. She very much wants to see me, that's what I took from that.

 

I asked her how she was feeling and she said she is obviously down, thinking about me etc. She said she hasn't been doing anything this week and she hasn't spoke to anyone. As a joke, I asked 'hasn't the other guy been in touch?!' - she was like 'no, why would he?!' I'm pretty confident nothing is happening there, but no doubt he will get in touch again once they're back at University - he's just a player! She'll figure that one out for herself.

 

It's obvious she doesn't want to get back together anytime soon, she hasn't had enough time to sort things out I suppose. I know an element of her wants to go out there and date other guys, not a massive part, she admits that, but it's a small element. I'm all she knows.

 

What do I read into this? Keep doing the NC? I feel like I shouldn't let her have these phone calls too, they probably do help her immensely. She has to lose it all doesn't she, then she will truly realise?

 

Seems to me that the girl really isn't sure though, but is being stubborn and sticking to her decision. Why?! When is she gonna figure this all out

[uj2004]

Coming from someone who has been NC with his ex for 27 days, I know how you feel, the doubts of it and all. I have no chance of winning mine back, as she is with someone else, but I do know this much - leaving them completely cannot hurt you in the long run. If they don't miss you and don't come running, they were never going to stay anyway. I don't think the argument 'if Im not around her, she will forget me and move on' holds much water. Girls are not that strong usually, if they love you they will hunt you down!

 

Even I have gotten some modest contact in that 27 days, which were her sneaky attempts to lure me back. And then what happens if I had replied? She starts messaging more frequently, gets me back as a friend or whatever it is she wants from me, and you are back under her control.

 

Don't let that happen. You be the one in control, have her running after you. Don't be anyone's doormat or safe backup, bugger that s***. If she wants you, she will come for you, if she doesn't, she will still probably come for you, for attention and self esteem if nothing else.

[jasav1]

You're right.

 

The phone call didn't help me. It has left me just wondering - if you miss me so much, why are you doing this?

 

NC is key. She's struggling with it, and she is really missing me, that's for sure. It's only been a week too, imagine what it would be like if I went a month, 2 months without speaking to her. I have a feeling a sense of deep sadness would come accross her.

 

She's a great girl. A very confused one right now, but the only way I can help that confusion is by leaving the picture. That's the truest thing I could ever say about this situation. Hell no am I going to allow her to get in the 'friends zone' with me. There are some girls you have as girlfriends and there are some you have as friends, you don't mix the two.

[uj2004]

You're right.

 

The phone call didn't help me. It has left me just wondering - if you miss me so much, why are you doing this?

 

NC is key. She's struggling with it, and she is really missing me, that's for sure. It's only been a week too, imagine what it would be like if I went a month, 2 months without speaking to her. I have a feeling a sense of deep sadness would come accross her.

 

She's a great girl. A very confused one right now, but the only way I can help that confusion is by leaving the picture. That's the truest thing I could ever say about this situation. Hell no am I going to allow her to get in the 'friends zone' with me. There are some girls you have as girlfriends and there are some you have as friends, you don't mix the two.

 

Brilliantly said mate. I can talk from experience, with the same girl I mentioned earlier, in terms of our first break up. We had a weird couple of weeks following the breakup, then went back to seeing each other weekly as 'friends'. Sometimes I thought it was going back to old times, sometimes bad fights and the whole 'leave me alone' stuff, from both sides.

 

Each time I would say don't contact me, she would very soon after, no longer than 4 or 5 days, usually less. She then said, about 3 months after the breakup and during NC of about 4-5 days, "would you agree to hang out just to see if there is anything still there?". We did that, but it still took a long time to get anywhere beyond friends crossing the line.

 

We kissed one day, and again about 10 mins later, and then it went the next step a few weeks later, on multiple occasions throughout the next month or two. As the guy, this was great, and I knew that I was winning her back. She put a stop to the physical stuff, but after doing some superhuman effort type things, she wanted us to try again (as a couple).

 

It lasted 8 weeks, then she took off with someone else.

 

Not sure what my point is, but yeah, 10 months of trying to win her back, for an 8 week return and now she is not even a friend, much less anything else. It was worth it, because I ran on adrenalin for those 10 months, but there were many hard times and wonderings within that. In December she was sending me messages how she couldn't wait to marry me, and by the end of Feb she was leaving me. For good.

 

I don't know if NC would have gotten her back sooner after the first breakup, I think it may well have, and maybe then we would still be together. The 10 months meant we drifted emotionally, and one of her comments was she loved me like a brother....crushing, but probably valid, since she got used to there being boundaries. NC right away and maybe I win her back quick and then you don't have to overcome being just friends for so long.

 

I could say that sticking around works, because it did for me, but seeing that she left after a few months, maybe I was just a good backup plan. She had no offers in the 10 months we were apart, so getting back with me was probably more because she had no other choice at the time. Then she starts going to the gym obsessively, becomes thinner and more beautiful, and bang, exit long term boyfriend, enter new guy.

 

Stick with NC, I think you will be happy with the results.

[jasav1]

Hello,

Awww, what can i say. I'm really sorry for how i have handled this. It's been a painful month for me, so i can't even imagine what it's been like for you. You have been my life for nearly 4 years now and it feels like a massive part of me is missing. But i think for a long time i had been withdrawing from our relationship. i know that in all relationships things can get a bit mundane/stale but i never felt that. it is so easy to spend time with you, you are the best friend i have ever had. But in terms of being your girlfriend things definitely changed, and i think that it happened over a longer time period than i have previously said. i think for the past year i have let you down in that way. i know that it has been of my own doing that sometimes i act more like your mother lol and i know it is in my head that sometimes i have felt trapped. it's been in my own head when i feel like i can't spend time with anyone else guilt free. But if i am being honest with you i haven't really felt like your girlfriend in that way for a while now, i don't know when i stopped trying-when you have tried so much. Something is missing and staying with you would be the wrong thing to do. I'm not asking you to wait for me. i do genuinely believe that things would be different if we had met later. i think you have suffered having met me when i was so young and inexperienced. i've grown up alot since then and in many ways think i'm a different girl to the one you fell in love with. This doesn't have anything to do with another guy, i promise. To be honest i have used him in a way to distract me from our situation. i really hate to hurt you, it completely breaks my heart. you have done so much for me i can never thank you enough. But to string you along i think would be worse. I need this time, maybe i will come to regret this but i have to face the consequences. I will always love you. i don't know what will happen in the future, i hope i can keep you in my life in some way but we will see what happens. i will do whatever you need me to. i will always love you, i'm really sorry about all this

x x x x x x x x x

 

 

She just sent me this over email guys. Thoughts?

[hulk7280]

You would be saying more by not responding.. then anything you could possibly come up with you..

 

be strong and just let it be and dont respond.. make her feel like she has lost you, because right now she believes she hasnt....

 

its about time we dumpers, start to realize we have control in these situations, we can actually say NO, i dont want you back, I am better off without you..

 

fake it till you make it.. bro!

 

why should i give you another chance after your broke my heart? why should i keep loving you after you quit on us? if you really "loved me" would you give up on that?

[jasav1]

UPDATE:

 

Well we were in NC for 2 weeks and then we both got back to University and she wanted to see me. I had caught her the day before staring at my window from her room looking at mine to see if I was in (we live in the same place, but not the same flat etc).

 

So I went round for a couple of hours, thinking it would be no harm. She was delighted to see me, there was no doubt about that. She was all over me, didn't want me to go, and offered to make me dinner etc on numerous occasions. So it's all good. Not getting back together, but she's obviously missed me and still has affection for me in that way.

 

Roll on yesterday. A lad in question, who she hardly knows but has been texting since we have broken up just over a month and a half ago comes walking out of her flat. I rang her and told her she could have told me about him, on numerous occasions I have asked her to just tell me what's going on there. She told me they shared their first kiss, watched tv and a movie together. She says it's a bit of 'fun' and doesn't really expect it to lead anywhere but she enjoys his company and does like him.

 

A 3 and a half relationship to this guy within the next couple of months. Give me a break. This was there second 'date' seeing each other out of school. I couldn't believe how she was dressed as well, practically nothing on - that's not her usual way, she definitely dressed to impress.

 

It's so disheartening, I've hardly had any sleep and have an exam in a few hours. I think it's finally time to just disappear from her life. I really can't be bothered with this anymore, and as daft as it sounds, I just can't compete with this guy (in regards to her). She's turned into a skank over night. Loving me one night, roll on 24 hours, in another man's arms. You couldn't make it up.

 

Thoughts?

[cl76]

You lost her because she was no longer attracted to you, it is obvious in the first few sentences. She also doesn't see you as an equal.

 

She now wants to be friends, this is also obvious. She wants to be with this new guy and have you hang around as a friend so she can have her cake and eat it to.

 

NO CONTACT, NO EXCUSES, JUST DO IT.

[ScorpiGal83]

That's the spirit. Go strict NC now, if you bump into her u don't have to be mean and ignore her completely, a smile and nod while you keep walking will be fine. Just stop calling, texting, asking her what she's doing... you DON'T CARE if she's out on a date, you DON'T CARE what they did and you certainly DON'T CARE what she wore.

 

If you do this, she'll start panicking. Try it!

[pace of ace]

Hey man, what can i say.....

 

You saw this coming didn't you. It was inevitable and it sucks and i'm sorry for you for that.

 

If anything, perhaps use this as motivation to move on. Your ex told you time and time again that this guy wasn't a factor and that she has no interest in him....

 

Clearly that wasn't true was it! Clearly she was keeping the 100% cold truth from you. Maybe she didn't leave you for him, but it's as clear as day that the interest from another guy was a factor in her decision. I got told the same kinda stuff from my ex. How the other guy was just a "friend", how she didn't see him "that way" at all. All just meaningless words at the end of the day.

 

Use this for strengh not to contact everytime you feel compelled to do so.... that's what i do.

 

How you feeling?

[jasav1]

I'm feeling brutal. The girl will never hear from me again.

 

It's that simple really.

 

P.s. Thank you ENA, you've helped a lot, but I no longer require any advice. It's done, finished.

[jasav1]

That's the spirit. Go strict NC now, if you bump into her u don't have to be mean and ignore her completely, a smile and nod while you keep walking will be fine. Just stop calling, texting, asking her what she's doing... you DON'T CARE if she's out on a date, you DON'T CARE what they did and you certainly DON'T CARE what she wore.

 

If you do this, she'll start panicking. Try it!

 

Thanks.

 

She can panic all the way into his arms for all I care. I'm no mug. Game over.

[HumanBeing26]

Thanks.

 

She can panic all the way into his arms for all I care. I'm no mug. Game over.

 

 

At the end of the day, after you strip away all the knowledge humans learned how to conserve and pass along, we are just animals. All the religions, social establishments, civil right laws, anger managment programs and support groups won't change that. And nature is cruel, her laws are the only througly ones applicable. Our laws, are just one species' survival insticts - redux.

 

In the animal world, turn the other cheek DOES NOT APPLY. She smacked you on yours, you turned the other. You've applied a human law, to forgive, to give a chance bla bla bla. Yet, her only goal in life is to BREED. Us, the dumpees are more human, more tolerant than the ones that have dumped us, especially after long relationships, because we tried to work it out, we have applied common human sense in a way, because we know this:

 

In nature, no MATTER who you are with, coupling can't survive more than 4 years together, only rare exceptions in some species. And hell even if she/he is the best looking mate for you at one time, that changes and ALWAYS wears off. 4 years: time to meet, like, breed, raise a child until it can walk and communicate to others. That's it. Past that it's just an agreement between 2 members of the opposite sex, nothing more. The animalistic attraction will wear off, but the COMMON sense, being human, can apply a fantasy, to spice it up. Some people give up, don't want to evolve, don't want to spice up and make their partner attractive again, they chose the EASY way to just switch partners... which makes them, animals in it's purest form, far far away from what it actually to be a human means.

 

These animals, breeders, have and always will exist. They are not exceptional, they don't form the core and the foundation of humanity. They don't strive for more, they don't want to go beyond what's nature's given them, they ride and tag along on the backs of the ones that have chosen the harder way, to deal with stuff, to take responsibility, to evolve, to learn, to invent, to travel beyond the mere animalist +/- laws of passion, hormones, smells and senses..

[servedcold]

I'm feeling brutal. The girl will never hear from me again.

 

It's that simple really.

 

P.s. Thank you ENA, you've helped a lot, but I no longer require any advice. It's done, finished.

 

Think you are doing the right thing here, and it's a stage of grief, you will feel more angry for awhile, it is very important to be NC during this angry time, and extremely important to keep NC going forward generally. Yes, ignore her for awhile so that she knows what it's like to truly lose you. She kept you around to wean herself off you, and is likely sexually experimenting with these other guys because she knows she can come back to you at any time. I think you may have had her on a bit of a pedestal as far as what she will or won't do with these others. Take that support away from her and move on. There is a chance to recover, but it's months down the road, and significant change is required on both ends.

 

In the meantime, do some intense soul searching and make a plan to change yourself, and to not let yourself become too comfortable in other relationships. Fair or not, it's the man's job to keep up a certain excitement level in the relationship and if you don't do this, their attraction level will falter over time. Best wishes in this tough time.