lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 So I've been dating this guy for about over 1 month now, and he's been on 2 trips since we've been we've been dating. The 1st trip he took was out of the country and he would email me almost everyday and texted me once back in the country. This 2nd trip was a domestic trip (for business) and it was the most recent one. I haven't heard ANYTHING from him for the entire weekend (fri-sun) i'm pretty sure he returned already, so do you think i'm just overanalyzing here? Should I contact him 1st, or should I just take it as he is phasing me out...or am i just being dramatic here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
free2Bme Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Did he give you any indication of how busy he was going to be during this 2nd trip? And also, did things seem fine before he left? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 I talked to him before his trip, and the conversation went fine, nothing out of the ordinary at all. I don't know how "busy" he was on his trip. But I doubt it was so busy that he couldn't even call me or even text me. I'm wondering if i'm just overreacting here. My friends tell me that I should wait for him to contact me. I'm still wondering if I should text him something like "are you back from your trip?"---i just feel like he's the one that should contact me 1st, especially since he's the one that went out of town. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I would wait for him to contact, yes. Depending on what his text/phone beahviour was before, it wouldn't bother me to not hear from someone this early on, but if the behaviour isn't in line with his previous behaviour, then it's a flag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I don't buy anyone is ever too busy to send someone they are very fond of a quick three second text, so if you have heard nothing from him i'd say he is losing interest. There is really nothing barring my being knocked out cold that could keep me from texting my SO for three days straight. It isn't that difficult ... people always come up with this 'maybe he/she was busy' stuff but how difficult is it to send a "hi i was thinking of you' text? It takes about five seconds or less. If i was not worth five seconds of his time i'd move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
free2Bme Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Yeah I would wait a bit longer then, maybe he doesn't consider the relationship to be serious yet? If you do text him then I wouldn't ask if he's back yet. Maybe text and say somthing like 'Hey! I've had a really good weekend doing xyz. Hope your trip is going well'. It's not like you're checking on him and demanding an answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 yes, that's exactly what is bothering me! the "behavior isn't in line with his previous behavior." he would always call me right away when he got back in town. and this time...nothing. it just makes me sad because i'm not sure what i did to "turn him off" and also he seemed like such a good guy. and we seemed to be hitting it off quite well. so not to contact him 1st then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Have you dropped him a line since he has been gone? Maybe since he took the initiative last time he is assessing your level of interest by seeing if you will initiate contact with him and ask him how is trip is going or how it went. Why not drop him a line that says "I hope your trip went well". Do NOT ask if he is back..just touch base with him and show your interest in how the trip went. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
free2Bme Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 It isn't that difficult ... people always come up with this 'maybe he/she was busy' stuff but how difficult is it to send a "hi i was thinking of you' text? It takes about five seconds or less. I do agree with this, but the relationship has only been on for a month, and people move at different speeds, maybe he's not that 'invested' yet. I would expect my bf of 2 years to call me, but not necessarily someone I hadn't known for very long, depending on the status of the relationship etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I do agree with this, but the relationship has only been on for a month, and people move at different speeds, maybe he's not that 'invested' yet. I would expect my bf of 2 years to call me, but not necessarily someone I hadn't known for very long, depending on the status of the relationship etc. I agree. I will also say that interest is a two-way street. It is not just up to the guy to initiate contact and show interest...the woman has to take initiative as well. I think the ball was in her court to show interest and not just wait for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I agree with all of the above - a text touching base is the best way to find out for sure. Do you do a lot of initiating? For all you know, he might have spent the weekend wondering "Why doesn't she ever contact me when I'm away? maybe she is phasing me out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I do agree with this, but the relationship has only been on for a month, and people move at different speeds, maybe he's not that 'invested' yet. I would expect my bf of 2 years to call me, but not necessarily someone I hadn't known for very long, depending on the status of the relationship etc. If i were the one leaving and going out of town and told the new guy i was dating this, i would put the onus on me to reach out to him first as i am going to assume that a decent guy will figure I will reach out once I am free. It would look clingy for him to reach out to me when i have left with him knowing i am going to be tied up. So i disagree with saying the ball was in her court. It isn't. he is the one who went out of town. Protocol and etiquette would put the ball in his court to reach out to her when he returns and is available. If it has taken three days and he has not bothered i'd assume he has lost interest or is losing interest. If a guy tells me he is leaving town for a business trip the ball is in HIS court to let me know when he is back and/or available to talk. I am not going to suffocate him with calls or texts if i think he might be busy so he can let me konw when he has a few mins. If i was the one telling him i was leaving on a business trip then the onus is on me to initate contact first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 i just don't want to seem too eager about this. i just don't want to come on as too needy. i know this might sound crazy, but with other guys i wouldn't care as much, but with this one, i just want to play my cards right. especially since we kinda are still getting to know each other phase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 Jadedstar, i agree with you on this one. In the last 2 times when he has been out of town (this is his 3rd) he always has called me back right away. so this time i just feel like he would repeat that action. I have left town, and I was the 1st to initiate contact letting him know "hey, i'm back" it's true, i don't know when he exactly came back, but i assumed that it was yesterday. it just sucks not knowing why his behavior did change in such a short amount of time... : ( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 i think you should send a text saying, 'hope you had a good trip', like crazyaboutdogs said and see what happens from there - if he writes you back and initiates plans or not. if he can't be bothered to respond to that, then he is not worth your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 So should i give him another day before i contact him? or is it okay to just text him that right away? it would just ease my mind if i heard from him 1st. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I honestly wouldn't contact him. This is going to be a judgement call from you which you want to do. I truly believe the ball is in his court so it is entirely up to you how you would like to handle it. If you really like him and want to give it a chance maybe a simple text just to remind him that you still exist and let him take the initiative to pick up the phone and call you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 yeah, i really like him, otherwise i wouldn't be going crazy about this. i don't know if he would like me any "less" if i did try to contact him thou. i'm pretty sure he already knows if he likes or doesn't like me even though it's been just over 1 month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 i don't think he'd like you any less, I just don't think it would make him like you anymore either. He likely has already drawn a conclusion on how he feels about you anyway. It is one of those things that you have to decide what you feel is a priority. Personally i'd wonder why he has not called since he reaches out to let me know on prior trips when he returns, and you also were the one to call first if you were out of town. I can only speak for myself and i know that when i entered a new relationship i was not too enamored by someone who had to take days to reach out to communicate. I communicate well and regularly if i like someone and like the same in return. If someone can't reach out in three days then i'd figure he might not be right for me since I like a bit more communication even if it is a simple text to say 'hello, i was thinking about you', etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Perhaps you should wait and see. Assume that he really was completely out of touch from Friday to Sunday while he was gone (giving him the benefit of the doubt). Give him all day today (Monday). If you don't hear from him tonight, once he's home from work, then send him a message tomorrow morning: "Hope your trip went well. I had a great weekend!" If he doesn't respond to that, then I'd say that something major is up... either he's lost interest or there's been something big, like a death in the family. But don't jump to conclusions quite yet! See how it goes over the next two days. YS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 He initiated contact the first time he went out of town and showed how interested he was. I don't think it is needy or clingy for her to drop him alone while he is out of town just to say "hi, hope things are going well". I once went out of town on vacation and the guy I had just met dropped me a line while I was away...I was thrilled to pieces. Even though we weren't official, when he went out of town for a meeting in Orlando, I dropped him a line so that he would receive it upon arriving. There was nothing needy or clingy about it...it was just showing interest...showing interest is a two way street...for the person who is out of town it is also kind of neat to receive a message from someone you are dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Jadedstar, i agree with you on this one. In the last 2 times when he has been out of town (this is his 3rd) he always has called me back right away. so this time i just feel like he would repeat that action. I have left town, and I was the 1st to initiate contact letting him know "hey, i'm back" it's true, i don't know when he exactly came back, but i assumed that it was yesterday. it just sucks not knowing why his behavior did change in such a short amount of time... : ( Maybe he figures you are just not interested and feels kind of fed up that you are not being pro-active and showing that you care. After two business trips where he showed initiative, can't you give a little and show some initiative back? You are standing too much on ceremony here. I am curious about whether or not you have slept with this guy yet. I often see on this forum that women hop into bed with the guy very quickly and yet "don't want to give the wrong impression" by initiating contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 We can agree to disagree. My personal protocol in these situations is the one who is leaving town on the business trip has the ball in his or her court to let the other person know when they haVe returned to town. She haS even stated when she goes out of town she initiates first to let him know she is back. I personally do not think he has this internal mindset thinking 'well this time she can show iniative and reach out to me first". No, most men don't analyze like that. When they slow down on contacting a girl it is usually becAuse interest is fading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 We can agree to disagree. My personal protocol in these situations is the one who is leaving town on the business trip has the ball in his or her court to let the other person know when they haVe returned to town. She haS even stated when she goes out of town she initiates first to let him know she is back. I personally do not think he has this internal mindset thinking 'well this time she can show iniative and reach out to me first". No, most men don't analyze like that. When they slow down on contacting a girl it is usually becAuse interest is fading. Actually I have seen plenty of posts on this forum where the guy does indeed wonder why the woman is not initiating anything, especially once they have started dating several times and have set up a rapport. You can't make any assumption about his interest fading based on one business trip. Yes, maybe it is fading...but maybe it isn't....I don't understand what the big deal is for her to initiate contact...she has everything to gain and nothing to lose. Who knows, maybe her contacting will spark some interest...I highly doubt that one email from her asking how is trip went is going to make him think she is needy and clingy...if anything it might encourage him to continue...it might not...but I don't see how it can hurt her in any way to step up to the plate. If he is not interested and he doesn't respond...oh well...at least she can walk away knowing she tried rather than sitting there and pondering if she should just sit on her hands and wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 CBD, thanks for your input. I was impatient, and I just sent him a playful text and he actually texted me back. So that actually made me feel a ton better. I just felt like I had nothing to lose, like you were saying. I liked how you said that we have already created a rapport with each other, so it made me feel more easy about contacting him first (even though it was the "first" move) If he never contacted me back after the text, then I would probably call it a wash. Regarding the intimacy issue, he is a very conservative guy, and believe it or not, we have not gotten physical AT ALL, i mean not even holding hands. And to tell you the truth, it's pretty refreshing because I think that he really wants to get to know me before all that happens. Truth is, I do think very highly of myself, but a good guy is also hard to find, that's why i just don't want to seem too clingy with this one. I feel like you still have to "play the game" at least in the initial stages of dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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