How do I get rid of this stalker???

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Hi all.

 

I'm not sure if this is in the right section or not, as it's a complicated story, but here goes. This could be long - I have a lot of frustration to get out, hehe.

 

I have this friend (well he's not even really a friend to be honest, he is my friend's ex), lets call him James, who I've known for a little over a year now. I have no romantic feelings for him, but he used to have them for me (and possibly still does). Looooooooooong story short, he will not leave me alone. I call him my stalker when I talk about him to my friends, and it's not necessarily a joke. He constantly texts me, almost every day. He has been doing this for about a year now. Even though I have never been romantically involved with him, I have seen from his texts to me that in a relationship (heck, even with someone he's NOT in a relationship with) he would be rather possessive, moody, very up and down, quite clingy and needy, and quite frankly, someone you would get sick of very quickly. I left town almost a year ago, (when he liked me) and thought he would stop contacting me after that. I was thinking that, seeing as I had left town, maybe he would work it out that I was not interested in him. He didn't. He still texted every day - so frequently to the point that I got so frustrated with him that I started ignoring him completely. Even this didn't work. Yes, the texts slowed down from every day, to every second day, to every few weeks, to every few months, but that's the point right there - he would STILL text me every now and then, even though I had been ignoring him for MONTHS.

 

This guy just does NOT get the hint that I am not, and will never be, interested in him. Even though I've drilled it into him I don't know how many times. After about 6 months of ignoring him completely, he texted again and I felt sorry for him, so I thought I'd give him a chance to be normal and see if he could just send a few "Hey how have you been, long time no see" etc type texts and leave it at that - the way you do with an old friend you haven't seen for a while. Well he didn't take the chance. I think by replying to him, he took it as the door opening for him to be able to text me every day again and now it's getting on my nerves SO much that I'm considering completely ignoring him again, BUT I know he will still text me even if I do. I want the texting to stop. Completely. I want him to leave me the heck alone, and get it through his head that it is not acceptable to text me incessantly every day. I don't have the time, or the money to spend sitting there, texting him for hours on end every day like he wants.

 

He tries to call sometimes too, but I never pick up. I don't want to text him, let alone talk to him on the phone. He never has anything to say in the texts, why would it be any different on the phone. The texts are always the same conversation - he asks what I'm doing, or what's new, I say nothing he says cool (or something similar) and then he has nothing to say, but repeatedly texts me to try and continue the conversation when I don't reply. (Honestly, what do you text back to a text that just says "ok"! There's no need for a reply! Yet he will text again and say "What, aren't you talking now") So I never answer the phone when he rings, but he doesn't take this hint either. Most of the time he will call when he's been out drinking, at stupid hours of the morning, like between midnight and 4am. That hasn't happened for a while, thank goodness, but he still rings every now and then.

 

Here's an example of his behaviour - from this, I think you will be able to understand why I get so annoyed and want him to go away. He has added me as a friend on facebook (which is fine...for now) and I was on facebook chat talking to one of my friends the other night, when he started talking to me on it. Again, the same old conversation:

 

Him: How do you download profile pictures?

Me: (I found this incredibly rude. To not even say hello?! This is what he is like!) Well hello

Him: Hello

Him: Never mind I got it

Me: Ok

Him: So what's doing?

Me: Been working all afternoon, at my cousin's house now

Him: Cool

Me: Yeah

 

He said nothing else after that, and then went offline. I thought thank goodness! Then my cell goes off with a text message from him: "Hey I'll have to talk to you like this now, coz my eyes are goin all funny". NO! You do NOT have to talk to me like this now! Once you get off facebook, that's it! You do not need to continue the (lack of) conversation in a text! I ignored that text, and not even 10 mins later, my cell starts ringing. No prize for guessing who it was. I ignored the call, and then received yet ANOTHER text saying "You never answer my calls!!!" (See - needy!) I text back with "Most of the time because they are at ungodly hours of the early morning, and the other times, like now, because I'm busy and can't talk". He texts back with "ok".

 

So, basically, I just want him to go away. I know the obvious answer to this, is to change my number but I don't want to. I have given this number to a lot of potential clients and possible future bosses, as there are a lot of career opportunities going for me at the moment, and I would hate to miss out on one because they were confused about my number, or tried to contact me on the wrong one. (I still have friends trying to contact me on my old cell number from years ago, even though I've told them all to delete that number). So I can't change my number. Any advice? What do you think I should tell him? I don't want to be mean to him, that's the only thing. As annoying as he is, I'm just too nice, and I can't be mean to him. I've tried being vague and disinterested, I've tried being firm and blunt, I've tried ignoring him, NOTHING works.

 

These are some ideas I've had:

- I'm considering just telling him next time he texts me "Look, I don't have the time, or the credit to sit and text you incessantly every day. It's just not necessary ok. I don't even talk to my closest friends that often! It needs to stop".

- I'm also considering telling him, "Look. You seem think that me replying to your messages invites you to text me every day, and it's just not acceptable. You just don't talk to friends that often. How many of you guy mates do you text every single day, and try and talk for hours? If me replying to your messages is giving you the wrong idea, then I think I should just stop replying to you, and we should cease contact."

- As a last resort, I'm considering lying and telling him I've started seeing someone. And that he doesn't like me getting texts from another guy every day. I don't want to lie because I'm a terrible liar, but that's one thing I haven't tried yet, and maybe he will back off if he thinks I am seeing someone.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading, and apologies it was so long!

 

*EDIT* He asks me just the other day am I coming home (to my hometown) for Easter because he thought we could catch up. As if!!! I'm not actually going home for Easter, but even if I was, I would have a list as long as my arm, of family and friends to catch up with. Needless to say, he is not on the list. hehe

 

Oh, and last time I was home (during the time I was completely ignoring his texts) he saw me driving down the street (I didn't see him) and he sent me a text and said "Thanks for telling me you were home". Like I had to check in with him whenever I wanted to go home or something?? It's none of his business if I'm at home or not! I didn't realise I had to let him know what I was doing every second of the day. (See - possessive, clingy and needy)

 

EDIT again. Now I find out he has added my sister as a friend on facebook. He doesn't even know her! Another way for him to "keep tabs" on me. I have told her NOT to accept him, so I hope she doesn't. I have deleted him as a friend, but haven't heard from him since Friday, which is unusual. I'm not complaining though!

[agent1607307371]

Have you defriended him on fb?

 

Also, if you want him to go away, why do you reply to his texts. You actually don't have to do that.

[Sweet Venus]

Ummmm how about changing your number or having his number blocked??? Don't even engage in conversation with him, he's a wack job.

[steelcitymstro]

Do you live far enough away from him that you can just cut ties completely and have that be the end of it? If you do, I think you should. Delete him off of your facebook page, get a new cell phone number and get him out of your life. He's beyond thick IMHO and downright creepy. I'm not saying this is your fault, because it's definitely not, but every time you reply to him, or let him be your facebook friend or whatever else, you're empowering him to keep talking to you. He's thinking "oh, I'll just keep chipping away at her until she wants to talk to me all the time."

 

It's nice that you're sensitive to his feelings, but creepy that he has absolutely no clue as to your feelings. Make a clean break and breathe easy.

[jenny_mcs]

Take him off your FB friends list, and never, ever respond to another text or call. Ever.

[waveseer]

You need to be very, very direct:

 

"Stop calling me, stop texting me, stop IM'ing me, I don't want to hear from you at all."

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Have you defriended him on fb?

 

Also, if you want him to go away, why do you reply to his texts. You actually don't have to do that.

 

I know I don't have to reply, but even when I flat out ignored him, he still will text me. He just doesn't stop. I haven't defriended him yet, but I'm seriously considering it....I think I will now. Thanks for your reply.

 

Ummmm how about changing your number or having his number blocked??? Don't even engage in conversation with him, he's a wack job.

 

As I said, I can't and don't want to have to change my number. My phone doesn't have the ability to block numbers. How do you do that?

 

Do you live far enough away from him that you can just cut ties completely and have that be the end of it? If you do, I think you should. Delete him off of your facebook page, get a new cell phone number and get him out of your life. He's beyond thick IMHO and downright creepy. I'm not saying this is your fault, because it's definitely not, but every time you reply to him, or let him be your facebook friend or whatever else, you're empowering him to keep talking to you. He's thinking "oh, I'll just keep chipping away at her until she wants to talk to me all the time."

 

It's nice that you're sensitive to his feelings, but creepy that he has absolutely no clue as to your feelings. Make a clean break and breathe easy.

 

Thanks for your reply. I live 5 hours away from him, in a different state! This is why I thought when I moved, that would be the end of it. I thought wrong. Beyond thick is an understatement! I really don't want to have to get a new cell number, as I said, but if nothing else is going to work.... He just does NOT get the hint, or take no for an answer!

 

Take him off your FB friends list, and never, ever respond to another text or call. Ever.

 

Thanks for your reply. I will delete him from FB now.

 

You need to be very, very direct:

 

"Stop calling me, stop texting me, stop IM'ing me, I don't want to hear from you at all."

 

Thanks for your reply. I know I'm going to have to be blunt and to the point, but I'm not sure even that will work. I guess I can try though. I have to be harsh, I just don't want to be mean. It's getting to the point though, where I get so frustrated that I want to just scream "Look! F-off!" hehe.

[real_life_101]

Maybe he is just bored, and like s to talk to you. He is probably aware you have no interest. Maybe he is just passing time.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

Maybe he is just bored, and like s to talk to you. He is probably aware you have no interest. Maybe he is just passing time.

 

Thanks for your reply, but passing time for over a year? He has been at this since December 2007. That's a long time to be bored

[amipushy]

I dont usually avocate lying but seeing as you're away from him and this behaviour goes beyond slightly irritating so I would go for the last resort option and tell him that you've now met a guy and you're happy with him and that you don't think its appropriate to continue this contact any longer.

 

Then block his fb, and expect a flurry of texts immediately after it-I might even get a guy friend to answer any calls/texts from now on. Sometimes people need that short sharp shock back to reality.

 

If he appears in person- be alarmed.

[real_life_101]

I guess I usually put the shoe on the other foot. I have had women interested in me, that I had no interest in. I remained friends with them and had contact often, and still do. They are great friends of mine even if the feelings are not balanced. I am not stringing them along. I just just really enjoy there company and conversation. Sometimes I do feel a little confused on why I dont like these women they are great people. I would say if you put it out there bluntly that you were not interested and he keeps talking to you so what. I know myself that if someone told me they were not interested in me without the wishy wash hints. I would go on with my life. Sometimes you have to be blunt, he may think you are playing hard to get. If you have no desire to be involved with him whether its in a relationship or a friendship tell him out right no hints. Sometimes guys can be mislead, when girls say I am not ready for a relationship right now, meaning to a guy that you have some issues to resolve, an there maybe a chance down the road. instaed of just saying there is no interest, yeah it may sting a bit, but he will get over it, and find someone that will deserve his love for them.. However I think stalker is such a harsh word when it come to affairs of the heart. I have had women sleep in there cars in my driveway, and would never disrespect them, by calling them a stalker. They were just hurt and in love, and dont do what the idiot above just said. Just be honest and compasionate, and that will give him the closure that he needs

[Smoothie58]

The best way to handle this is to just be honest...if you really dont want to be his friend AT ALL then you shouldn't worry about "being mean" or having it be awkward. Next time he asks why you're not answering his texts/calls just say "Hey, I'm not trying to be rude but I don't really feel like we have a lot in common. I'm really busy with work/school/friends/etc and don't have time to text or call so I think it would be better if we just stopped contact."

Or just say "I dont feel comfortable being friends with you because you're [insert name]'s ex and I just don't want to continue a friendship so please stop contacting me"

There is nothing wrong with being blunt to get to the point. If you dont want a friendship he is NOT going to know that if you sometimes answer his texts or sometimes answers his IMs or FB chats. The only way he will understand is if you TELL him or completely ignore him which means NEVER ever answering him. Not even in a few months from now.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

I dont usually avocate lying but seeing as you're away from him and this behaviour goes beyond slightly irritating so I would go for the last resort option and tell him that you've now met a guy and you're happy with him and that you don't think its appropriate to continue this contact any longer.

 

Then block his fb, and expect a flurry of texts immediately after it-I might even get a guy friend to answer any calls/texts from now on. Sometimes people need that short sharp shock back to reality.

 

If he appears in person- be alarmed.

 

Thanks for your reply. I have never told him where I live for that very reason - in case he just shows up one day. (He has never asked, but even if he did, I wouldn't tell him). He has said time and again he would move up here with me, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did just show up on my door one day. I guess now I just wait and see if he will text again (as strangely I haven't heard from him in 24 hours).

 

I guess I usually put the shoe on the other foot. I have had women interested in me, that I had no interest in. I remained friends with them and had contact often, and still do. They are great friends of mine even if the feelings are not balanced. I am not stringing them along. I just just really enjoy there company and conversation. Sometimes I do feel a little confused on why I dont like these women they are great people. I would say if you put it out there bluntly that you were not interested and he keeps talking to you so what. I know myself that if someone told me they were not interested in me without the wishy wash hints. I would go on with my life. Sometimes you have to be blunt, he may think you are playing hard to get. If you have no desire to be involved with him whether its in a relationship or a friendship tell him out right no hints. Sometimes guys can be mislead, when girls say I am not ready for a relationship right now, meaning to a guy that you have some issues to resolve, an there maybe a chance down the road. instaed of just saying there is no interest, yeah it may sting a bit, but he will get over it, and find someone that will deserve his love for them.. However I think stalker is such a harsh word when it come to affairs of the heart. I have had women sleep in there cars in my driveway, and would never disrespect them, by calling them a stalker. They were just hurt and in love, and dont do what the idiot above just said. Just be honest and compasionate, and that will give him the closure that he needs

 

Thanks for your reply. I *have* told him outright that we will never be anything more than friends. Several times. I have told him time and time again that because he is my friend's ex, nothing is ever going to happen. That didn't stop him confessing how much he liked me, and that he wanted to go out with me, etc, etc. He just doesn't understand.

 

The best way to handle this is to just be honest...if you really dont want to be his friend AT ALL then you shouldn't worry about "being mean" or having it be awkward. Next time he asks why you're not answering his texts/calls just say "Hey, I'm not trying to be rude but I don't really feel like we have a lot in common. I'm really busy with work/school/friends/etc and don't have time to text or call so I think it would be better if we just stopped contact."

Or just say "I dont feel comfortable being friends with you because you're [insert name]'s ex and I just don't want to continue a friendship so please stop contacting me"

There is nothing wrong with being blunt to get to the point. If you dont want a friendship he is NOT going to know that if you sometimes answer his texts or sometimes answers his IMs or FB chats. The only way he will understand is if you TELL him or completely ignore him which means NEVER ever answering him. Not even in a few months from now.

 

Thanks for your reply. They are both good ideas. I don't want to be mean, but I guess maybe it's the only way. He will get over it. And he is blunt when he talks to me anyway. Thanks for your advice

[Abby]

I vote for being direct with him. However, seeing what you've written, somehow I don't think it'll sink in.

 

Obviously the best way is to change your number but you've said that isn't possible.

 

May I ask what phone you have? If you don't have a Samsung, can you afford one? I used to have an E900 and it had one of the best facilities on a phone that I've never seen since! You can block numbers from texting/calling you. The thing it, the sender will still get a delivery report and will be under the illusion you're receiving the texts but you won't see those messages on your handset at all.

 

I wish all phones had this facility.

[xxYoure My Butterflyxx]

I vote for being direct with him. However, seeing what you've written, somehow I don't think it'll sink in.

 

Obviously the best way is to change your number but you've said that isn't possible.

 

May I ask what phone you have? If you don't have a Samsung, can you afford one? I used to have an E900 and it had one of the best facilities on a phone that I've never seen since! You can block numbers from texting/calling you. The thing it, the sender will still get a delivery report and will be under the illusion you're receiving the texts but you won't see those messages on your handset at all.

 

I wish all phones had this facility.

 

Thanks for you reply. I have a sony ericsson. That sounds like an awesome facility! I might look into getting a samsung! Hehe, thanks for that

[SleepingKitten]

Sounds like a plan to me.. I need to get one of those Samsung phones. What carrier carries them? LOL

 

I have a sort of similar thread but won't get on your thread and complain about the guy who's been bothering me..

I'd say, if it were me. You have a BF, he's angry you are getting so many texts from your friend's ex.. You don't want to mess up your new thing with your bf. Just stop bothering me.