velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 ok, two things: 1. how do you have sex for the first time! 2. should I wait for marriage? I know these are personal questions that only I can answer for myself yada yada, but if you guys could answer with what you did that could prove helpful. a bit more info; we tried having sex a few days ago, but he couldn't fit it inside the hole. it just... wouldn't work. there was lots of foreplay and I was probably wet, but the condom dried out after like 15 minutes of attempting to ram it in. lube needs to be bought, but where and what brand doesn't erode condoms? (or, where can I get on the pill? we don't have cars, I don't want my mom to know; perhaps we shouldn't have sex since it's so inconvenient bah) we've been going out for nearly 3 years, we've never dated anyone else asides from each other, so we're both learning as we go. we've pretty much planned on getting married within weeks of meeting, but we're waiting to finish school (we're 21/22) and start careers first. I'm tempted to wait until marriage to have sex, as I have this great fantasy of a nice honeymoon with no cares and luxurious 5-star beachside hotels to make the first time sweet, but it's probably never like that, is it? haha... I suppose I just don't want to 'get it over with' at home. we live together, so it'd be convenient, but I want the first time to really be special somehow. maybe I'm guilty of trying to live a fairytale? he doesn't mind doing it at home. arg, there's so many doubts in my head, but I know we're old enough for sex. I don't want him to be the poor 25 year old virgin, or worse haha. I just wish there was an easier way to prevent babies. condoms seem fragile. if only there was a personal sex doctor or something! anyway, share your relevant experiences please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowcal Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 First of all, you don't need to be "ramming it in". The first time things need to be taken slow it doesn't always go in the first time. Lots of lube and patience is key. Use water based lubes, they won't mess up condoms. Also as far as the pill speak with your regular doctor or go to a family health/planning clinic and they can offer you different options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Yes the first times are not as comfortable as the other times so be patient and take it slow, there is no rush into this. It's okay if you want to wait till marriage but make sure that he respects for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowcal Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Oh and if you guys wait until marriage he isn't going to be the "poor ole 25 year old virgin" if sex is so important for both of you, then maybe you should wait. My guy was 25 before he ever had sex and it wasn't as horrible as you are making it out to be. If you two are in love and plan o n waiting until marriage it isn't going to be any "worse" then than it is now. As for the "personal sex doctor" they are called Gyno's.. I'd suggest you see one if you aren't already. Also might do you some good to do more educating yourself (Your terminology just seems a bit immature). Condoms, birth control pills, IUD, etc there are plenty of birth control options. You just need to do your research. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 who tells you about gynos and such? I feel like this is much more useful than, say, highschool 'career' class. I have no idea where to find gynos close by, or even where to start. family planning centers sound awesome too, but elusive without a car. and would it be possible for everything to be kept secret? I'm less worldly than I should be, I'll admit, since I've been sheltered much of my life and chauffeured everywhere. I don't think he'd mind waiting, but it's just weird that everyone else is having sex in college, and we're living together but celibate! plus I feel guilty every time I hear guys say "I'd wait 6 months for sex, max", or something along those lines. and if sex is so wonderful, why waste the peak of our youth not having it? ...I guess. he's ready when I am. I'm thankful he's waited here all these years, while there are other girls who'd easily 'put out'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davie Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 15 minutes of attempting to ram it in First of all, you don't need to be "ramming it in" sorry... but just lol Hmm but to be helpful..? Hmm, your first time it'll happen when it's supposed to Just let it all go with the flow and relax. Fist time sex shouldn't be planned to that extent. It'll take away the moment. You only get a first time once! Make it an amazing memory!!! Best of luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maverick554 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Yeah definitley don't "ram it in." Since its your first time your going to be really tight, so its going to have to be inserted slowly, going in a little and pulling back, and then going a little deeper in each time until its all the way in. Sorry if this sounds graphic but I think it will help. And if your going to use lube make sure its a good brand (like ky) that is water based, as petroleum based will weaken a condom. And tell your bf to be gentle, since its your first time he can't go at the speed / pace of german porn. Best of luck with everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 is it abnormal to not be able to ram it down though? I thought the hymen was pretty flimsy. I don't like to use tampons because they hurt and make me sore, but I have used them two or three times. we plan on this friday, which is tomorrow, but I'm not 100% sure. blah. I do want it to happen naturally, preferably on a honeymoon where the whole point is to have sex for a week, but... well... ahhhh. does it hurt afterwards? can you walk normally for the couple days after? that was one concern, and why we planned for a friday (weekend to recuperate!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 What would be your reasons for waiting till marriage? I think its sort of hard to try and have sex and then turn around and say I want to wait till we're married. Thats a big choice to make, a choice your partner may not be too keen on to switch the tables around..tease him and then pull the decision away. Realize that there is a level of responsibilty that comes along with sex. You will need yearly doctor's appointement when you become sexually active, you will need access to emergency contraception if the condom breaks, be able to get yourself to the dr when needed, for refills on the pill if you do decide to get on it..plus making a choice about the consequences if protection does fail. With that being said, his penis will fit. Go buy some water based lubricant, they will be where condoms are sold..anything like KY and Astroglide are fine. But also realize the mental aspect of sex. I always say the mind and your vajayjay work hand in hand..and sometimes if you're having doubts, wondering if you should wait, is this right, this that..whatever..your body won't allow this to happen. You won't relax and be able to let it happen. Your doubts are probably playing a much larger role in this. A penis should not be rammed in. Take the time to buy the necessary protection and 'accesories' and enjoy it if this is something the both of you are ready for. It shouldn't be overly painful, and it will take time to get used to. You won't walk funny, or anything like that. But its important to be mentally and physically relaxed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 reasons for waiting = convenience. the doctors, the contraception, consequences if protection fails. urgggg. no car, no good clinics nearby.......... also have been thinking about getting the snip, but we're not 200% sure about not wanting kids so we've gotta think some more there. "But also realize the mental aspect of sex. I always say the mind and your vajayjay work hand in hand..and sometimes if you're having doubts, wondering if you should wait, is this right, this that..whatever..your body won't allow this to happen." ^this sounds about right. we've attempted sex a couple times, but perhaps because I'm sexually repressed or have had bad childhood experiences or something, I've never WANTED it to go in. I always hoped it'd fail, in some little part of me. ): I even got drunk once trying to make it go easier, but it still failed. I don't know why I resist it. I have no reason at all. I'm in a secure, loving relationship and I'm legally an adult. not to mention I'm sexually attracted to him! siiigh. p.s. not religious in any way shape or form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowcal Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 is it abnormal to not be able to ram it down though? I thought the hymen was pretty flimsy. I don't like to use tampons because they hurt and make me sore, but I have used them two or three times. we plan on this friday, which is tomorrow, but I'm not 100% sure. blah. I do want it to happen naturally, preferably on a honeymoon where the whole point is to have sex for a week, but... well... ahhhh. does it hurt afterwards? can you walk normally for the couple days after? that was one concern, and why we planned for a friday (weekend to recuperate!). Ok first of all, you have to insert the penis INTO the opening of the vagina before hitting the hymen(given you even have a hymen, if you have tried using tampons chances are your hymen was broken long ago. Secondly, it isn't your "hymen" that causes discomfort or pain when attempting or having intercourse it is the opening of the vagina (See again, NOT the hymen). Also another thing, as far as planning "when" you will have sex for the first time I have found that causes great stress why not just let it happen naturally as in start fooling around and once both are comfortable let things progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowcal Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I am really getting the vibe from you that are only wanting to have sex because you feel guilty that everyone else is having sex and you aren't or whatever the reason may be. If that is your only reason i'd really suggest waiting until you are 100% ready. There is no need to rush and have sex just because "X" number of college kids are having sex. Guess what? the ones that are having sex are having meaningless sex with random people or aren't really having sex at all and are just up talking themselves to make themselves appear better to others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 ^while that is one of my reasons, it's not all. Ok first of all, you have to insert the penis INTO the opening of the vagina before hitting the hymen(given you even have a hymen, if you have tried using tampons chances are your hymen was broken long ago. Secondly, it isn't your "hymen" that causes discomfort or pain when attempting or having intercourse it is the opening of the vagina (See again, NOT the hymen). Also another thing, as far as planning "when" you will have sex for the first time I have found that causes great stress why not just let it happen naturally as in start fooling around and once both are comfortable let things progress. what?? O_O the hymen is a thin layer of skin that covers the opening of the vagina. from what I understand, it stretches and tears, but even after sex there's bits of it left. the only difference is that before sex, the hole is covered up more. I may or may not have stretched my hymen with tampons, but much of it is still intact as I can... see it. and friday is just when we 'plan' to mess around, I suppose. I doubt we'll go through with it simply because there's too much schoolwork. not enough sleep, tired all the time etc. but we'll see. we have one condom lying around. anyway, thanks for everyone's helpful input thus far. could I get some personal recounts? -how long you waited -why you waited, why you decided to stop waiting -how you felt afterwards. guilt? glee? -any regrets? -what you would have changed for the first time -advice to make it go better (besides lube + condoms + relax) it's probably not actually this big a deal, but I've grown up thinking it was. x( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Well at least you're not acting dumb. Use condoms until you've established an alternate form of BC. Go see your DR, it's confidential he can't tell your mom. Condoms work if used properly, to be extra sure use condoms and BC. You are smart enough to know that your first time will not be this faiytale... (well chances point to no- not like what you describe). And who says doing it at home isn't "special". How come making love to your bf at home isn't "special"? Now that I don't understand. If he loves you and you him, what's not special about that night you will remember for the rest of your life? You think that the ocean is going to make it more special? If yes, then you're focusing on the wrong things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 -how long you waited 1 year -why you waited, why you decided to stop waiting I was horny -how you felt afterwards. guilt? glee? guilt but later glee, it was to a great man, what else matters? -any regrets? at first, but later no. -what you would have changed for the first time shoulda, coulda, woulda... nothing now, I've made peace. -advice to make it go better (besides lube + condoms + relax) that is the only advice you need 10 10 char Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 ^thanks for answering!!! I was probably wet (you either are or you are not and you should know) I was definitely wet at one point, but that stuff dries out pretty fast. not sure if it was wet when we were trying to put it in. lube is in need! I'll look for KY water-based lube next time I go to shopper's drugmart or something. You are smart enough to know that your first time will not be this faiytale... (well chances point to no- not like what you describe). And who says doing it at home isn't "special". How come making love to your bf at home isn't "special"? Now that I don't understand. If he loves you and you him, what's not special about that night you will remember for the rest of your life? You think that the ocean is going to make it more special? If yes, then you're focusing on the wrong things. haha, you're right... but I'd hate to clean up afterwards. hotels = maid service, lazing around, plenty of time to cuddle afterwards. nice atmosphere is always a plus. having dinner at home with a loved one is nice, but having dinner with a loved one by the ocean in a high-end restaurant with huge windows is... special-er? somehow? just out of the ordinary, I suppose. I very likely sound stupid/childish/both to the many of you that have come and went by this stage! I 'know' it's not a big deal, everyone will experience it eventually, but I ... rah. I've spent the whole day googling hymens and pain. and previous days googling methods of birth control. =_= I'd rather get on the pill so the first time will be condom-free, but blaah I'm just rambling now. won't anyone tell me to suck it up? that I've made the poor guy wait long enough already? that if you were him you would've dumped me two years ago? that I'm sexually repressed and should be more open/get counseling etc? haha you guys are being too supportive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 You need to be wet end of story. Get lube, use spit, or get yourself turned on. If you think that the ocean and maids are going to make your virginity loss "more special" again, I think you're looking at the wrong things to make this night special. It's about emotions, and love and the person and his actions, he words, his touch. Maids have nothing to do with it. And besides, what if you do wait and you have this perfect view of the ocean, the smell and sound of the waves... and he treats you like dirt, doesn't say he loves you, doesn't take his time, isn't gentle and so on... you think it will be special? My advice don't set youself up for something so perfect when perfect could be as simple as at home, with a great man. It is a big deal, so don't assume I'm telling you anything contrary to that! I'm saying don't build this perfect evening, you're almost ASKING to be dissapointed. Go talk to your DR, seriously. He can't tell your folks, ask him about condoms, the pill and anything else you want! I did, he knows who I've slept with and what protection I've used each time etc. He knows my sex life so he can advise me on sexual health related issues. Some girls say it didn't hurt; but it hurt me. Now this pain was something I was afraid of but I can almost promise you you've been hurt worse than THAT. You're going to do it one day and it's going to hurt (or not hurt) married or tomorrow. So, ask him to go slow... none of this "ramming it in" business. Put it in place and you control how deep/ fast he enters you. Wiggle around your hips to help it slide in, and if it hurts, pause... (it's stretching... give it a sec and the pain subsides...) go a little deeper... pause... repeat until he's all the way in. And if you're doing it to please him think again. If you love him and are ready, it is a big deal, but what is the big deal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 -how long you waited -why you waited, why you decided to stop waiting -how you felt afterwards. guilt? glee? -any regrets? -what you would have changed for the first time -advice to make it go better (besides lube + condoms + relax) it's probably not actually this big a deal, but I've grown up thinking it was. x( I was 19 the first time I had sex and it was about a year into the relationship. I waited because I wanted to take my time exploring each stage of sexual activity, as he was my first everything. I wanted to make sure we had a good relationship down first, and I wanted to make sure I was completely 100% ok with the idea. I felt happy afterwards. It was an amazing experience with someone who truly cared about me in so many ways. I have no regrets, and we are still together. We felt the same about sex, the consequences, birth control, everything felt right..there wasn't a slight hint of doubt or hesitation. We had planned it long in advance, but it didn't actually occur till a few months later, spontaneously. It didn't hurt, but I do feel like I was well prepared in all aspects for it to happen and just let myself go and enjoy it. If you're having doubts, its not different than a guy being unable to get an erection for many reasons. Why not take the time to meet with someone such as PLanned Parenthood to discuss birth control, discussion the consequences, get yourself educated on everything possible related to sex, and come to a decision with your partner on how to best go about this. If you want to wait a few more years till you feel mentally ready, then make that choice. I think its better waiting, then doing it and regretting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 well, if I can have a great man AND a great environment on top of it, wouldn't that be nice? it's not like he'll treat me like dirt just because we're in a nicer setting, haha. but I get it, it's about the emotions more. ok, I'll need lube and a doctor. lube shouldn't pose a problem, but my family doctor is 2 hours away. plus I know he'll tell my mom, whether he has the right to or not, because they're friends and they chitchat all the time. right now I just live temporarily close to school, and won't be able to get another long-term doctor. I could talk to my school doctor, but every time I go there he's not available/on vacation or something. I don't think he takes his job seriously! I'm not doing it to please him really, I don't think he cares. I'm good with BJs, hoho. he doesn't mind waiting forever. either I'm really lucky or the guys who won't wait are loud but not numerous. my cousin says he'd dump anyone who doesn't put out after 3 months. but he likes screwing several people at once, lying to all of them, so he's not really a relationship role model. <_ i actually think more mature than him relationship-wise even though he screwed a lot of people. anyway getting off-topic> I appreciate your help, I know this is all stuff I can get from google, but I more wanted to talk it out and get different opinions. sucks that I can't talk about this stuff to any of my RL friends. ): edit: just read your new post, asti! glad it went well with you, gives me hope. n_n I guess I won't force anything, and let it happen spontaneously. so you always had condoms waiting around, right? we wasted a whole box of condoms already trying. rather silly. about the waiting a few year to mature thing--I'm 21, he's 22.... aren't we ripe already? I don't want to hang on to my childhood, or anything like that. sometimes I feel like I hang on to my virginity for completely foolish reasons, like wanting to see a unicorn (they only go to the maidens!), even though I know that's not possible. also, it's kind of ingrained in my character. people say they can't ever imagine me having sex. same with my boyfriend. I guess we both seem... childish? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 We used the pill as our primary method..so the need for condoms wasn't necessary. Age is just a number. It doesn't mean you should or should not be ready. Just because a person is physically ready, doesn't mean they are emotionally or mentally ready. It will happen when the time is right..its not one of those things that can be made to happen, because if the people really aren't ready...it will show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 I don't think you want to have sex. You never say you want it, it's all about your bf wanting it. Until YOU want it, don't get married and don't have sex. If you are sexually repressed, this will NOT go away after marriage! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 hmmmmmmmmmm but doesn't having sex = getting less repressed? your motivations become the actions sometimes, and other times your actions become the motivations. interchangeable. is what HE said, back in the first year we started dating actually (it was about 'love' and stuff. ie; if you do love someone, you'll act like you love them. if you act like you love someone, you eventually actually will.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 ok... tried having sex again. we used lubed condoms, water, saliva, going slowly, pushing hard, waiting, vibrator, nothing worked! even fingering, went up to 2 fingers, hurt like heck and penis still wouldn't go in. made me cry a little, and I don't cry easily. how am I doing it wrong?? shouldn't sex be easy!!? please let me know this difficulty is normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmarten Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Just keep trying. But you you should try actual lube, KY jelly or Astroglide. How much bigger is he than two fingers? He may be a little bigger than average or you smaller than average? Have you tried kegel exercises? Look them up these may actually help you learn to control the muscles down there, and allow you to be relaxed when aroused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvette Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 he is about four fingers? idunno what's average or not. four fingers rolled together, so about two and a half fingers wide. looks average. I believe myself to be absolutely normal too, unless the hymen thickens beyond a certain age? it does look kinda thick and hard to break through, but I can't find a gyno to check. will buy KY for next time (and more condoms, as we've used them all up now trying, ack)! and I've tried kegel exercises, just clenching and unclenching right? I don't get aroused when we're about to have sex. nervous perhaps. do other people have trouble the first time? isn't it supposed to be... easy, as nature intended us to breed? how come gajillions of teens lose their virginity without a problem, in one day at a party? why do I have to do it over months and months and build up dread to that horrible pain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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