Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 My fiance broke up with me the other week and I am absolutely devastated and don't know how to cope anymore. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to about this and my fiance was my best friend, she was all I had. We've been best friends since forever, but then we decided we wanted more than just friendship and we've been in a wonderful relationship since then. We have always been there for each other through good and bad times and always been supportive and understanding of each others' needs. Communication was never an issue. I have been suffering from a really bad patch of depression in the past few months and she has been seeing her mother more, who hasn't been too well lately. Her mother has mental health issues and has been against our relationship from the start; she's always been emotionally blackmailing her daughter that she shouldn't be spending time with me, sometimes even saying things like she'll commit suicide if she stays with me. My fiance is 25 now and has done what her mother wants all her life and we have spoken about how upset and sick she is of being manipulated, but that she feels she is too weak to stand up to her mother. I have helped her as much as I can there, but I always feel like I shouldn't be saying anything about her relationship with her mother, but it's gotten so bad that my fiance has wanted to end it all. She had decided not to have any contact with her mother in the past 8 months and things got so much better for her and she was really happy and grateful about it. Then, during the last 2 months, her mother came back into the picture because of practical issues that needed to be sorted and since then my fiance has changed. She's become so introvert, more and more day by day and she's become so irritable with me, either crying or shouting at me about little things like accidently leaving the door open. I have still tried to support her and be there for her as much as possible, even when she's lashed out at me. Then one day, I was struggeling with my own depression and she was having a go at me when I snapped and said I was leaving. She started crying and begging me not to go and that she was sorry. I stayed and worked things out with her and I was happy I didn't leave. But the arguments got worse. I even got to the point of thinking she's got bipolar disorder or a brain tumour that is making her act out like that. One day we were talking about having a family and I could see she had so much love for me, the next she was screaming at me. Then, a week ago, when I got home from work, she'd texted me that she had a "surprise" for me at home. When I got home, she'd taken all of her stuff and left. I was so shocked and devastated. I did all the wrong things, like calling her and begging her to come back in tears. I now know she's moved back in with her mother, who is obviously influencing her negatively towards me. I keep getting mixed signals from her, that she wants to come back but just needs time and still loves me and then things like that the relationship never meant anything to her and she'll never come back. The words she uses then are the words her mother uses, so I'm pretty sure she's just putting words into her mouth and making her act against me. I have now not contacted her for a week and yesterday she emailed me, asking me questions that weren't necessary, almost as if she was looking for an excuse to communicate with me. I don't know what to do now. I'm doing the whole "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it was meant to be". I'd be confident with that, but the situation with my MIL is worrying me. She's obviously going to try and keep her from me and my fiance was obviously 'weak' enough to give in to her demands. I am going to not contact her unless she contacts me, but I just wish I knew what her true feelings were. I feel she might also be feeling guilty for doing this. One time, something similar happened and she up and left with no explanation, but she came back after a day. Now she's moved out all of her stuff so it seems to final. What do I do? I love this woman so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I stand by the vows I was going to take, in sickness and health, through the good and the bad times. But how can I be there for someone who sees me as her enemy (because of her confusion and fuelled by her mother)? And is there a chance she will wake up and realise that she loves me and her mother can't come between us forever? Please help me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Then, a week ago, when I got home from work, she'd texted me that she had a "surprise" for me at home. When I got home, she'd taken all of her stuff and left. I was so shocked and devastated. Ouch. That is just a really callous, cruel way to end things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Here's the deal: the girl is not a baby. If she chooses to listen to her mother, then there is nothing you can do to change that. Even if she were conflicted, she has made a clear choice. If somehow she came back to you, you would be dealing with this MIL drama for the rest of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratfreak Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 It's hard to break away from parents that push their opinion on you. I know - I've been there. She needs to break away on her own and start to decide for herself. You've tried to help her but she has to want the help too. Give it some time, offer to be there for her but then leave her be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 It's hard to break away from parents that push their opinion on you. I know - I've been there. She needs to break away on her own and start to decide for herself. You've tried to help her but she has to want the help too. Give it some time, offer to be there for her but then leave her be. It's just so heart-breaking for me because we've had long talks about how she really feels about her mother and how she manipulates her and I just know she didn't decide to just leave me on her own even if she made those choices, for now anyways. Do we have any chances to be together again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Ouch. That is just a really callous, cruel way to end things. I will go one step further and say what kind of normal, sane person breaks up with someone in that way...says "I have a surprise for you" and the surprise is an empty home! Sounds to me like she is a chip off the old block (her mother). She may indeed have the same emotional issues as her mother...because a normal person would not end a relationship in the manner she did. As tough as it is to see it now, I think it was good that things ended...she sounds like a deeply troubled, and easily influenced person and over time this would have dragged you down. Get yourself emotionally healthy and move on from her. She is probably living in hell right now and one day she might wake up and see the big mistake she made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 I will go one step further and say what kind of normal, sane person breaks up with someone in that way...says "I have a surprise for you" and the surprise is an empty home! Sounds to me like she is a chip off the old block (her mother). She may indeed have the same emotional issues as her mother...because a normal person would not end a relationship in the manner she did. As tough as it is to see it now, I think it was good that things ended...she sounds like a deeply troubled, and easily influenced person and over time this would have dragged you down. Get yourself emotionally healthy and move on from her. She is probably living in hell right now and one day she might wake up and see the big mistake she made. I just know that she loved me and most likely still does. That that might be her mental illness "talking" and "acting" for her or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I agree with CAD. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. What a disgusting way to end things. Seems to me that in her mind this was quite a clever and quirky way to do it. She had no regard for your feelings whatsoever. The behavior you described from her about crying and going nuts because of little things like leaving doors open is not normal or healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratfreak Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Yes - "I have a surprise for you" is not a nice way to end things. It's very hurtful and inconsiderate. If someone is unhappy, they shoudl just say that. There is no reason to hurt someone further. I'm not sure if there is a chance for the two of you. I think that unless she starts making her own decisions, she will not change and you'd be stuck being manipulated not only by her but her mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 I agree with CAD. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. What a disgusting way to end things. Seems to me that in her mind this was quite a clever and quirky way to do it. She had no regard for your feelings whatsoever. The behavior you described from her about crying and going nuts because of little things like leaving doors open is not normal or healthy. I just love her so much, I'd be willing to forgive her for all this if she only comes back! She's everything to me and I don't care how much it hurts, I just want her back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I just know that she loved me and most likely still does. That that might be her mental illness "talking" and "acting" for her or something. No matter if mental illness is underlying some of this, because in any case you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped. There is nothing you could do to "fix" her, or the situation. I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I tend to think that if the break up was mainly due to her mother's crazy manipultation then she could very well realise that she has made a mistake and try to come back. It seems like this is just a game to her. She doesn't speak to her mother for 8 months and then all of a sudden she is back on the scene and seems to most likely cause for the break up. It just seems weird to me. This girl clearly doesn't know her own mind. If she does come back do you really want to spend your life putting up with this kind of rubbish? I am not trying to talk ill about people who have mental health problems, but this girl just doesn't seem to want any help for it, doesn't even sound like she realises that she is mentally unstable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breaking Away Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 sometimes you have to rip the band aid off and deal with the pain so you can have a better future. i understand this... and i know its hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I just love her so much, I'd be willing to forgive her for all this if she only comes back! She's everything to me and I don't care how much it hurts, I just want her back. I know that feeling and know how hard it is. You say this now and I have no doubt that you truly mean what you say but really think about it, is this really the way you want to live your life? Let's say she comes back, you get married and have children. I am pretty sure there will come a time in your life when you feel you can no longer put up with her or the situation. By this time it will be too late and I can only see this situation getting worse. If she was willing to get help then that would be a different story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 This girl clearly doesn't know her own mind. If she does come back do you really want to spend your life putting up with this kind of rubbish? I am not trying to talk ill about people who have mental health problems, but this girl just doesn't seem to want any help for it, doesn't even sound like she realises that she is mentally unstable. I've tried to get her to see a counsellor when she wouldn't talk to me about why she was upset, I was worried she was getting depressed. She just didn't take my help and she expects me to be able to read her mind you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 If you get back together with her, remember that her mother will always be around..she may be in and out of her life but she will always have some kind of presence. If your ex is that easily influenced and doesn't know her own mind then it doesn't bode well for the future. If she has her own children she could very well repeat "the sins of the mother" since clearly she hasn't really learned that her mother's behaviour is inappropriate. Would you want children of yours raised by someone who can behave in this manner? As much as you feel you need her, you don't...you can do much better without someone messing your head like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 If you get back together with her, remember that her mother will always be around..she may be in and out of her life but she will always have some kind of presence. If your ex is that easily influenced and doesn't know her own mind then it doesn't bode well for the future. If she has her own children she could very well repeat "the sins of the mother" since clearly she hasn't really learned that her mother's behaviour is inappropriate. Would you want children of yours raised by someone who can behave in this manner? As much as you feel you need her, you don't...you can do much better without someone messing your head like this. We'd talked about having children and she said that she'd never treat them like her own mother treats her because she knows how horrible it is. I just don't know what to believe anymore now. I feel like my whole future has fallen apart and like it was all a lie, even though in my heart I know it wasn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr me Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Im not in the same position you are in but i went thru something kinda similar. My relationship with my ex really changed once her abusive dad was really bothering her alot. She wasnt the same person. Its hard to love someone for their good qualities but then have bad qualities like this that can totally ruin a relationship. Its a very difficult thing to have to live with and its still really devastating to me. The thing is you need to be able to be in love with that person with good and bad. Also the relationship needs to work out based on those same qualities. Its really hard to move on when that person was basically everything for you or the closest person you had. I still feel really betrayed and idk if you understand if thats what your feeling yet. I say that because its alot to go thru and you might not know whats going on. I can see your situation and i know from the outside that its not a good situation to be in. Its just how im dealing with a similar situation i know that i cant handle that situation the same as if i was seeing it happen to someone else. I can try to hopefully one day be able to deal with it but the pain doesnt really feel like it will go away. I have no real answers because nothing will make it better besides just dealing with it as you go along. Everything is really hard at this point in your life with stuff like this happening. All i can say is try to find anything you can do to keep going on with life. I think thats really important because you need to find people or something to help you deal with life when it gets this bad. I wish there was more i could say to really help but knowing what its been like for me there isnt much to do besides trying to deal with the present and finding things to look towards the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 We'd talked about having children and she said that she'd never treat them like her own mother treats her because she knows how horrible it is. I just don't know what to believe anymore now. I feel like my whole future has fallen apart and like it was all a lie, even though in my heart I know it wasn't. Saying is different from behaving. She said a lot of things about her mother and yet she is right back there obeying her mother's dictates. The cruelty of her actions speak volumes, doesn't matter what she says...and if she is this cruel to you she will be equally cruel to her children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I've tried to get her to see a counsellor when she wouldn't talk to me about why she was upset, I was worried she was getting depressed. She just didn't take my help and she expects me to be able to read her mind you know. If she isn't willing to seek help then there really is nothing you can do. We'd talked about having children and she said that she'd never treat them like her own mother treats her because she knows how horrible it is. I just don't know what to believe anymore now. I feel like my whole future has fallen apart and like it was all a lie, even though in my heart I know it wasn't. It is easy to say that, she probably means it too but I don't really think it is a choice that she can make especially as she isn't willing to deal with her issues now. If she did have children I believe she would probably end up the same as her mother as much as she wouldn't want to, this is what she knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Thank you for this. I really appreciate your kind words and your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siberia Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Dear Darkness7 My story is so similar to yours that I want to share my experience (and lessons) with you. My fiance was being emotionally blackmailed by his mother (a widow) for the last 1.5 years to break up with me. I kept working hard to keep him with me. He started showing bipolar signs, like getting extremely angry and paranoid with me, and them extremely loving and attentive. It was almost like he would be seized by a second persona. I wouldn't go to the extent of saying mentally ill, but you get the gist. I fought all the way, and even thought he was on MY side and not on his mother's side. But guess what, just when we finalized our talk about FINALLY getting married (after 2 years of planning), he broke up with me in a *violent* way. A week before breaking up, he was looking for a nice house for us where we could have a garden etc, and I was looking for a job in his city. And the wham. He bolted out. I've known him for 4.5 years and this is not him. He is this extremely funny, easygoing, brilliant guy. But because of the pressure from his mom etc, he really slid into a manic-depressive state. In January when I visited him, he even told me he wouldn't be able to live longer if I didn't move over to his city soon enough. And I know he meant it. I tried a lot for him to get over his depression. In all of his outbursts, I stayed calm and on HIS side. But that didn't help. My lessons are--you have to let them go. Really let them go. Part of the reason they feell depressed is because of the way they are being torn between two sides (family vs lover). There is nothing you can do at this point, but to let her lose you completely, and then analyze her life. I am doing the same with my ex. You may not like this advise, and you may want to reach out to them to show you care, but resist that urge. Everything you do will be interpreted as you trying to control them. Just understand that we are a part of their mental duress, and just set them free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Thank you for sharing this with me. So basically there is no way I can help her now? I just need to let her go. Or is there any chance she will get professional help and we can work on being together again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 So basically there is no way I can help her now? I just need to let her go. Or is there any chance she will get professional help and we can work on being together again? At the moment, the best thing you can do to help is to give her space to sort her head out however she sees fit. For now, there is absolutely nothing else that you can do. If she comes back to you at some point (and she may, say in 8 months when she's sick of her mom again Then, and only then, should you even start think about what you might be able or willing to do in terms of helping her. And even then, it will have to be her decision to seek help. And even then, her mother will always be her mother. I just don't know what to believe anymore now. I feel like my whole future has fallen apart and like it was all a lie, even though in my heart I know it wasn't. Sweetheart, your future hasn't fallen apart-- it's not even built yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness7 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 At the moment, the best thing you can do to help is to give her space to sort her head out however she sees fit. For now, there is absolutely nothing else that you can do. If she comes back to you at some point (and she may, say in 8 months when she's sick of her mom again Then, and only then, should you even start think about what you might be able or willing to do in terms of helping her. And even then, it will have to be her decision to seek help. And even then, her mother will always be her mother. Sweetheart, your future hasn't fallen apart-- it's not even built yet! I'm giving her space. NC for a week and then she suddenly contacts me for no apparent reason, asking things she doesn't need to ask, almost as if it's an excuse for contacting me. I feel like my future has fallen apart because we were planning to spend a lifetime together, all my hopes and dreams I had with her are shattered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.