Nixee Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 When cheating has occurred, do you think it is generally best to 'fess up to it? If you were the one cheated on, would you rather know or not know? Do you think your feelings on this matter would depend on how much you loved the person you were with/how serious you were, and whether or not you'd plan to work things out regardless? How would you react if it was not your significant other who told you, but the third party involved who came forward and admitted things? Is there such a thing as water under the bridge in cheating... or too much honesty? Curious to know other peoples' thoughts on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 When it comes to cheating that honesty is the best policy. I think that people think tha honesty will alleviate their own guilt and that is why the end up telling their SO. I dont think that there is any good that will come out of disclosing such facts. If another person spills the beans then another tough decision has to be made, then it seems that you are forced to tell the truth. At that point I still say it is a judgment call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breaking Away Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 if honesty is the best policy then you shouldn't cheat. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 if honesty is the best policy then you shouldn't cheat. Period. Perhaps so, but I guess assuming the cheating has already happened, and inevitable remorse is following for the parties involved. Or perhaps feelings aren't as strong as they once were. There are many reasons cheating happens. Which is why I wonder.... best to be honest, or keep your dirty little secret? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Binoo Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I've never cheated but if I had, the guilt would eventually eat me from the inside out. So, I would tell. And I think it's unfair to keep something like that from your partner. I really believe there is no excuse to cheat. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnightrambler Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 i would never admit to it unless caught Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 When cheating has occurred, do you think it is generally best to 'fess up to it? If you were the one cheated on, would you rather know or not know? Do you think your feelings on this matter would depend on how much you loved the person you were with/how serious you were, and whether or not you'd plan to work things out regardless? How would you react if it was not your significant other who told you, but the third party involved who came forward and admitted things? Is there such a thing as water under the bridge in cheating... or too much honesty? Curious to know other peoples' thoughts on this. Sometimes, let's say it happened once and it was "safe sex" and it will never happen again and it was obviously a huge mistake. I'd advise the cheater not to tell. Given that I'm pretty positively sure it won't happen again. But this doesn't apply to me. I would want to know. I would want to know regardless of how serious we were, how long we've been together and all that. I'd want to know. My forgiveness would depend on those facts, not discovery. If I found out via other party- forget forgivness. And if in back to my example if this happened to friends I'd advise on a breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambino Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I cheated many, many times and never got caught. That didn't make me a better person, and didn't make me stop cheating. Only the truth will do that. I don't lie to others, because I don't lie to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 And I know of at least one person here whom I greatly respect who would rather not know if it did. I guess we all need to be honest with ourselves if we would rather know or not. I also think it a good idea to tell your spouse what your preferences are in this and other possible deal breaking behaviors. Is honesty the best policy, that depends on the sitch, if your SO would rather not know, then I guess you keep it mum. If they would rather know and you stay mum, better cross your fingers and toes that they don't find out. Like Girl68 stated, if I don't find out from, you, really not so good for the future. As for me, I would tell, my wife would want to know and I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 Sometimes, let's say it happened once and it was "safe sex" and it will never happen again and it was obviously a huge mistake. I'd advise the cheater not to tell. Given that I'm pretty positively sure it won't happen again. But this doesn't apply to me. I would want to know. I would want to know regardless of how serious we were, how long we've been together and all that. I'd want to know. My forgiveness would depend on those facts, not discovery. If I found out via other party- forget forgivness. And if in back to my example if this happened to friends I'd advise on a breakup. I'm not going to say I disagree with you here, because I'd probably give similar advice to tell the truth.... if it was a one time thing... maybe not tell.. yet if it were ME, I'd still want to know... But at the same time I find it interesting I guess. To have a partner say they always want to know the truth, yet know that sometimes people DO cover these things up. Sticky situation. What about in cases where it is definitely NOT a one time thing, and feelings may be involved, but the affair has definitely ended? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addictedblue Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 What about in cases where it is definitely NOT a one time thing, and feelings may be involved, but the affair has definitely ended? If it's not a one time thing and feelings were involved, it's a whole other relationship. It's like the cheater got over the SO and moved on but never bothered to break up with the SO, meanwhile the SO thinks their bf or gf is still with them and happy. Quite cruel. The SO should definitely know the truth about this, because they are just wasting time otherwise being with someone who chose someone else over them once and will do it again when the next person comes along. If your partner goes and has a relationship with someone else while in a relationship with you, and you believe in monogamy and that a relationship is only between two people, then the relationship between you and the cheater only really exists to you, because the cheater obviously doesn't care and has already moved on and found someone new. Yes I'd say honesty is the best policy in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girl68 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 What about in cases where it is definitely NOT a one time thing, and feelings may be involved, but the affair has definitely ended? I would not advise to keep quiet. I mean multiple times? You (the cheater...) had plenty of time to realize the mistake and didn't. So IMO that's not acceptable. My example to not tell and keep quiet only applies to a one time, oh my god, I can't believe I did that, I will never do that ever again- and mean it situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 When cheating has occurred, do you think it is generally best to 'fess up to it? Undoubtably. If you were the one cheated on, would you rather know or not know? I would much rather know. Do you think your feelings on this matter would depend on how much you loved the person you were with/how serious you were, and whether or not you'd plan to work things out regardless No, my feelings would remain the same: I would want to know. How would you react if it was not your significant other who told you, but the third party involved who came forward and admitted things? Devastated. Devastated, initially, and possibly relief later on that at least the truth was revealed in some form, albeit not the way that one would hope (and not really the truth that one would hope for either). Is there such a thing as water under the bridge in cheating... or too much honesty? Curious to know other peoples' thoughts on this. I think "too much honesty" is sort of a misnomer. You can never be "too honest". It is possible, however, to say more than is necessary to get a point accross... like volunteering gory details that really don't need to be shared. Water under the bridge? Well, in the instance where I've been cheated on/nearly cheated on, and told by my S.O. directly, we've at least remained friends, so in that regard it's water under the bridge. In the instance where I've found out indirectly (from an outside source, rather than my cheating S.O.), I have cut the cheater out of my life, never to look back again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 Interesting responses so far, and I can't say I disagree. And no, I am not cheating on anyone. I guess the closest description for it would be to say that I was put in the position of being the 'other woman' a few months back... though that doesn't sound entirely right either. And I'm trying to make things right. I've had a couple confrontations with the other woman involved, starting with her contacting me (even though this is a few months in the past now), and at first she said she was "haunted" by certain questions/thoughts and asked me things... seemed to want to know (but he told me not to tell). At this point though, he still either has not told or has lied to her, and she is in denial. She asked me again recently.. this time I told her the truth, and she accused me of lying and trying to hurt her. She said she trusts him over me. Basically making me feel like a vindictive tramp or something, which I am not. I am honestly trying to do the right thing here. I just no longer know what the right thing is. I also believe honesty is best, but the man involved doesn't seem to agree, and the other woman involved seems to live in a fantasy world of "ignorance is bliss", even though she asks to know. Extremely frustrating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Wow I'm very surprise by the number of questions you are asking but it's ok. I will try my best on this one since I don't really know what it feels like to get cheated on. When cheating has occurred, do you think it is generally best to 'fess up to it? I would say that it would depend on what type of cheating did they do and was it once silly drunken kiss or was it more than that and/or repetitive or something very serious. If you were the one cheated on, would you rather know or not know? That is the same answer as the first one above mention. It depends on did he do with the girl. If it was a one and only one time dumb drunken kiss and nothing more than that then why bother mentioning it, that's annoying. Now if it was more than that, anything that involves putting your life in danger (sex with someone else or the other sexual acts) than yes I would definitely want to know all about it for sure. Do you think your feelings on this matter would depend on how much you loved the person you were with/how serious you were, and whether or not you'd plan to work things out regardless? No, they cheat they lose. No second chance when comes to cheating. How would you react if it was not your significant other who told you, but the third party involved who came forward and admitted things? Immediate dumping, no emotions whatsoever. Is there such a thing as water under the bridge in cheating... or too much honesty? Curious to know other peoples' thoughts on this. No it's a simple rule. You are either in the relationship or you are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anggrace Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I would absolutly want to know. I am a very forgiving person and might be willing to work through it, but if they lied to my face about it and then I found out, I wouldn't be willing to work through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maritalbliss Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I also believe honesty is best, but the man involved doesn't seem to agree, and the other woman involved seems to live in a fantasy world of "ignorance is bliss", even though she asks to know. Extremely frustrating. see, I think she IS living in a little fantasy world of ignorance is bliss - but at the same time she knows he's cheating or has cheated on her, otherwise she never would've asked. you're probably right that she is in denial, but she can't be that far into denial to outright ask you some questions about it!!!! At some deep deep level, I assure you, she has to know. Otherwise, why would she question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 At some deep deep level, I assure you, she has to know. Otherwise, why would she question. You are probably right about this. It is just very painful to be called a liar when you are trying very hard to do the right thing/put things right. I didn't want any of this. Thanks everyone for the responses too. And yeah, lots of questions, just been stirring in my mind because like many people have said here, they would want to know if it was them. And I actually do think honesty is best. He just didn't think so, so it made me wonder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justinforhire Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I feel like if youve cheated the bond you had with your partner was obviously not strong enough. Usually best IMO to just break it off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karvala Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 When cheating has occurred, do you think it is generally best to 'fess up to it? Yes, invariably. Relationships where it doesn't happen almost never survive; relationships where there is honesty and an attempt to make things better sometimes do. If you were the one cheated on, would you rather know or not know? I would rather know than continue in a pretend and unbalanced relationship based on lies and deception. Do you think your feelings on this matter would depend on how much you loved the person you were with/how serious you were, and whether or not you'd plan to work things out regardless? No, my position is the same regardless of my relationship with the other person. I would always want to know, and I would always respect the other person's right to know. It is not up to me to decide whether or not my partner gets to know if she's been cheated on, and it's not up to her to decide whether or not I get to know. How would you react if it was not your significant other who told you, but the third party involved who came forward and admitted things? I would firstly take a number of steps to verify the story, and if I was satisfied with the truth of it, I would confront my partner once, give them an opportunity to explain it purely for my own information purposes, and then never talk to them again no matter what. By contrast, if it was my partner who told me soon after it had happened, and didn't lie to me about it at any point, then I would discuss the situation with her to see why it happened, ask her to apologise, explain to me why it could never happen again and what steps we can take to ensure that, including the permanent cessation of all contact with the individual that was cheated with, and if I were satisfied with that explanation and the proposed measures, then I would consider giving her a second chance. Is there such a thing as water under the bridge in cheating... or too much honesty? Curious to know other peoples' thoughts on this. There is no such thing as too much honesty in anything. Too much information at times, but that's a different thing. Water can only start flowing again under the bridge after an incident has been dealt with, and I don't consider lying about things and sweeping them under the carpet as dealing with them. As far as I'm concerned, the clock stops the moment the infidelity begins, and restarts only after it has been fully admitted to and both parties come to an agreement. Until that happens there is no passage of time, because the incident is ongoing in the form of the continuing deception. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maritalbliss Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 It is just very painful to be called a liar when you are trying very hard to do the right thing/put things right. I didn't want any of this. I think she is now "blaming you" and putting her anger on you as opposed to really questioning her husband and letting him get her anger (which is what should rightfully happen). A lot of women do this, but imo its ridiculous, they shouldn't CARE about the other women much less get mad at them - what committment did you make to her, you know? HE is the one who broke HIS promise to her, and you have to just tell yourself that, while knowing that its harder for her to get mad at him and shake things up when it could involve a divorce, poverty for her possibly, and her children going through both of those as well. She'd rather have a scapegoat, and unfortunately, that's usually what happens when you try to help out and tell - I still think you did the right thing (I would've) I mean, she was asking you - and then gets mad when you tell her the truth. She should've never asked if she didn't want to know the truth - and you can tell her that if she ever calls you a liar. stick to your guns, you know you're right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Thank you for this. And you know... I think you are right. incidentally, they are not married. Far from it actually... they aren't even serious... when he "cheated" on her with me he wouldn't even call her his girlfriend, only said he was "seeing her".... I found out later that she's pretty deeply in love with him, and yeah... though he says he doesn't love her back on the same level, they have been exclusive. So its muddy territory. The right thing suddenly becomes a grey area. What makes it hard now is that, as far as I know, they are still together, as time goes on becoming more involved and .. I dunno... couple-like? Serious I guess? And yet she refuses to believe he was unfaithful. So naturally, she asks me.... I try to be honest, and she snaps back accusing me... saying that I'm "only trying to hurt her"... which I am not. The information I have is painful, absolutely.... but she'd rather yell at me, decide I'm a vindictive liar out to get her and believe the lies of the man she's sorta-with who doesn't really love her than believe me when I answer her truthfully. And that stings. I still THINK I did the right thing morally here, but I've really been made out to be the bad guy in this. Whether or not they break up is up to them, I just felt it was right that things weren't kept hidden from her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karvala Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I still THINK I did the right thing morally here, but I've really been made out to be the bad guy in this. Whether or not they break up is up to them, I just felt it was right that things weren't kept hidden from her. Well you were certainly morally right to tell her if she asked for that information, undoubtedly. Just before you feel too hard done by, though, do remember that you were sleeping with someone else's bf, and that normally brings trouble with it. I don't think you can really protest too loudly if the injured party misdirects a bit of anger towards you when you're now doing the right thing. Just swallow it as the price you pay, and be happy with yourself in the way that you've got past it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Well you were certainly morally right to tell her if she asked for that information, undoubtedly. Just before you feel too hard done by, though, do remember that you were sleeping with someone else's bf, and that normally brings trouble with it. I don't think you can really protest too loudly if the injured party misdirects a bit of anger towards you when you're now doing the right thing. Just swallow it as the price you pay, and be happy with yourself in the way that you've got past it. Fair enough I suppose. Oddly enough... he was involved with me before she entered the picture, so in a way I felt like he had cheated on me with her. But we were living far apart at the time, it was complicated and messy and we were not "exclusive"...so... there she was. Kinda weird feeling like the other woman when you were the first woman. But he's with her now... no matter how many times he's told me, and her, that he doesn't even love her, so I guess that is all that matters, and you are right. Gotta try and figure out how to get past it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue69 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Fess up. I would rather know. Obviously the state of the relationship matters. If we are casual then I probably wouldn't be as angry. However, in my marriage I would not let infidelity in and ofitself determine the quality or outcome of my marriage. I wouldn't automatically throw her out. I would work my butt off to make sure the marriage was saved or repairable. They can't always be, but it wouldn't be because I didnt try. I would be more disappointed if the 3rd party spilled the beans to me. But regardless, I would want to know. I can't fix something if I don't know about it. I dont think you can have to much honesty. Water under the bridge probably has some truth to it. Would I be as upset about an affair that happened 10 years ago versus last week? Probably not, that is just being honest with myself. I can't fix things if I don't know about them. I would certainly be disappointed in my partner if they strayed. But I wouldn't let a physical act to dictate my relationship. I guess I am not as easily convinced that infidelity equals the end of my relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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