WomanWriter Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 It baffles me when people say to just "let go" of a person you may have loved for years, a person who is more than just some random lover. A person who is your partner, best friend, practially a family member, your confidant, companion... so much more. Just because you may have gotten together young doesn't mean it wasn't the real deal (I got with my fiance when I was 21 and he was 19, so it wasn't like we missed out on our teen years for crying out loud). So the person says it's over for whatever reasons and you're just supposed to say "Ok, I'll stop loving you within a year or so," as if the healthy thing to do is just to find someone else to replace them. It's like your mom or dad decides they no longer want to be your parent and you just have to say "Ok, mom, I'll stop loving you and find someone else to replace you." That's what it feels like for me. No, I'm not supposed to be "dependent" on other people as a grown person, but the attachment I feel to my ex fiance, who I love, is just as strong as that towards a family member, maybe even stronger. Am I expected to find some new guy who doesn't know me to replace my fiance? Just because my fiance left me doesn't mean my love for him left me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meepmeep20 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I agree with you wholeheartedly. I don't know how people do it either. sometimes, you sit and wonder, that person told me he loves me so much, and now he just leaves me so easily...was it ever really love. and the answer is no. it's been 8 months now but I can't completely let go of my ex. It baffles me how he just jumped into a new relationship so quickly and is now getting married and of course, claiming to everyone else how much he loves her. the pet names, the love phrases...everything he writes to her..he wrote to me. maybe it was a lie. i don't know. your thread makes me sad. i'd like to hear the man's point of view on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sti_2004 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Atleast you can see the true power of it. (Love) Dont you agree you deserve someone better that wont ever make you feel like this. It was for the best. Is it weird that ive been watching dancing with the stars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meepmeep20 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 i don't even believe in relationships anymore. it's like, I gave my everything for my ex just to have it all blown up in my face in the end. I cared so much for him. He was like my other half. but now, I sit and think, was it ever really worth it. no. I'll never compromise myself so much for another person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meepmeep20 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 but you know what, we will never truly know the other person's story or thoughts or memories. we will never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sti_2004 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 i don't even believe in relationships anymore. it's like, I gave my everything for my ex just to have it all blown up in my face in the end. I cared so much for him. He was like my other half. but now, I sit and think, was it ever really worth it. no. I'll never compromise myself so much for another person. I don't really believe there are normal people out there that care anymore or will atleast be compatible with me but i don't regret anything thats happened in my life. Im almost thankful i had all those bad experiences and the road its put me on today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleduckie Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 funny, i just talked to my friend about that. he just broke up with his gf of 2 years... and then jumped into another relationship right after (not even a month...). when my friends and i found out, we totally egged on him. we were in so much shock... like, what? *silence* for like 5 min. a boy needs to come in here and justify! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleduckie Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 i don't even believe in relationships anymore. it's like, I gave my everything for my ex just to have it all blown up in my face in the end. I cared so much for him. He was like my other half. but now, I sit and think, was it ever really worth it. no. I'll never compromise myself so much for another person. i'm so with you. my last last relationship left my heart so broken... i don't think i'll ever be in another relationship anymore. it's just not worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king6 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Its not a guy thing, Im a guy, and I had my heart trampled on after 6yrs. I met my ex when I was 18, she was 17, she had a 8mth old baby at the time. We dated, and moved in together after a year, my family loved her and loved that baby, so did I . I ended up falling in love with her and she alwase told me that she loved me to. We lived in an apt for about 3years, and then I bought a house for us. I had a baby with her, and I thought we were both truly in love. I did everything I could to make her life great, I wanted both children to have a great lifestyle. I accepted her previous child as my own, I was her dad. I gave her all my trust and let her do anything she wanted. The past 2 years I fully supported her financially so she could be a stay at home mom, and even recently, start going to school full time. She was alwase the one to tell me she loved me, after every phone convo, everyday, It was like she had to constantly remind me, it quickly became less and less meaningful. Since when I told her I loved her,it wasent constantly, it was a strong message and when I said it, I ment it. I also noticed she uses the "I love you" after every convo with anyone of her family. Looking back on it now, I feel that it was just a source of manipulation and control that she used. (I wont get into that, but to put it simple, most, if not all her family is like a pack of obssesive, manipulative, lazy, low lifes. They only care about whats going to benifet them. in the 6yrs of our relationship, I havent seen anyone of her family actually express feelings of appreciation, gratitude,love, or even care) I really love her, she was a huge part of my life, I made her my life despite our differences. In the last months we were together, she was strongly pushing getting married and having more children. But at that time I felt she was straying from me and not being faithful. So I didnt marry her on what I believe she set as a due date to be married. After that date, She told me I was going to loose my family, and that it was to late. It wasent even 2 days after she just got done expressing her love for me, how she wants to be married, and have more kids, that we should work our problems. That she tells me its over, she never wants to be with me again, its to late for us, I left her vulnerable, she has love for me, but shes not in love with me. Since then she has been a very mean person, she has treated me very badly, keeping me from seeing my son, yelling and screaming at me on the phone as I try to discuss arrangements for my son. Her parents would join in on the yelling/screaming/insults in the backround. Now Im seeing my son every other weekend, but shes still making it difficult. she still has the attitude, she still says "sorry, this is how it has to be, I never ever want to be with you again". " "I do not love you". "please move on, I want you to be with someone else". Im truly hurt, the reasons she gave me for breaking off 6yrs, and a family together.. were very petty and easy to fix. Like I wasent alwase there for her at times she needed me most, im alwase working, I dont show enought affection, I dont buy her gifts, I dont appreciate the little things she does. Alot of that I feel is exagerated. I offered to go to counseling and even pay for it, but she says its to late. Im hurting pretty bad, I love her and miss her everyday of my life. While she started seeing a guy just a few days after she broke up with me. She seems to be on the go, not a care in the world, blowing all her money, pawing the kids off on babysitters, and throwing it all in my face. I even texted her at one point " im now realising, you never loved me. And damn you for ever sayin you did" . Her response was " anything else you want to say? ". My honest opinion: They dont love you. They dont know how to love someone. You need to find someone that is like everyone else in this thread that fell in love with someone who will not love back. "i believe true love is just as strong as marriage, and you dont just fall out of it. I dont know how Im ever going to stop loving her. Shes the mother of my child, and I had beared my sole to her for years, even now I cant imagine someone else in my life and Ive never wanted another female. I cant even imagine trying to find someone. I have been asking family members alot of questions, because I cannot figure out how she can change so violently. Shes also deny'ing my family our son, and the have been her backbone for helping her and the kids for the past 6 years, more now in the past 2 years then ever. They have done more for her then they do me. Yet she has no problem using the kids against them. A family member told me Its just easier for her to hate my family,then love them right now even if its for no reason. They asked me, do I still feel love her when shes being cruel to me? I do. And Im starting to hate my self for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermosa Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I don't think he really loved you. He doesn't sound like he cares very much either, so don't bother trying to replace him. You will get better eventually. It's a tough learning curve, and it's never easy for anyone. I would just cherish this time to yourself and work on doing your own thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I think that the dumper doesn't really expect you to move on, they hope you will so they don't feel so guilty. They suggest you can move on because they are trying to tell you, "hey, me leaving isn't so bad, is it?". I remember feeling destroyed by my ex fiance's cavalier attitude to his and my own future relationships when he left, as I felt that he was my family, and you don't just leave family and go find a new one. I was 28 when it happened to me also, after 10 years together. You probably can't imagine being with someone else, and the even the concept is improbable and frightening? If so, this is understandable. Your ex will say what he needs to hear himself say to reduce his guilt, but that does not make what he says your correct path of action or the way you are "supposed" to feel. He has his agenda. You will feel better and you will find love again with someone else. But if that seems a million miles away right now that's understandable. You were together for years, you were engaged, that was meant to mean something. You'll take however long you'll take to move on, in the meantime you are essentially grieving the loss of a family member, and in my view this is even more painful that if you lost them to death, because they chose to leave. You have every right to grieve wholeheartedly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I agree with this, usually the one who dumps has thought about this for a while but not told you, so they are already prepared to move on. We have to go through the grieving process from the beginning and it takes (in theory, psychologically) at least 18 months to go from shock, anger, sadness and despair and then some sort of recovery. I teach this and yet having been dumped myself last week am struggling as much as anyone else! If you are not to destroy yourself with unhappiness you have to reach a point eventually where you think 'if he loved me he would NOT have broken up with me' or caused hurt or moved on so quickly. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I agree with this, usually the one who dumps has thought about this for a while but not told you, so they are already prepared to move on. We have to go through the grieving process from the beginning and it takes (in theory, psychologically) at least 18 months to go from shock, anger, sadness and despair and then some sort of recovery. I teach this and yet having been dumped myself last week am struggling as much as anyone else! If you are not to destroy yourself with unhappiness you have to reach a point eventually where you think 'if he loved me he would NOT have broken up with me' or caused hurt or moved on so quickly. Take care. I agree you are completely out of step with the dumper as they have thought it through and made up there mind and only do it when they are ready and expect for you to do the same. We had been together 4 years when she said "I don't miss you when you are away, I don't love you anymore" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hi nem, that's interesting as I got the first part of that but not the second. He loves me very much but doesn't miss me which he said was 'part of the problem' and helped make his mind up that he would rather be single than in a relationship. At least he's not out there seing anyone else (and essentially is telling the truth which is why it's perhaps easier for me to move on as we still have a lovely friendship), but maintaining dignity does require a huge amount of self control when you're really hurting inside doesn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 unfortunately Pixiedoc, mine dived straight in to "casual" sdating with a guy. She is determined we stay friends. I try and keep LC. If she contacts me I keep it polite and short in return. I.E. She Sent "happy birthday, mate" today i replied "thanks" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 So how are you coping with the whole thing now? It seems you are handling it really well - I like the text response - very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Thanks Well I am trying to cope. I have good and bad days. I have been logging my progress in my NC chronicles. Still hoping the NC will cause a reconciliation but I have to be prepared that it wont (certaiinly not while she is dating this guy). Thats the hard part thinking of her in someone elses arms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 "I don't miss you when you are away," I got that. It motivates me to bloody well make her miss me and stick to NC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Well not sure the NC is working yet. She is spending an inordiate amount of time on messenger now (guess chatting to him). Think this could be another case of her charging in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Takes a while. She's distracted right now. I've been the dumper before, and "overlapped" relationships. Not that I'm proud of it, but I can tell you what happened to me. After about 2-3 months of NC instigated by both of us, I would lie in bed next to the other girl through the night feeling very guilty, having regrets etc, missing the other one. It took about a month or two for it to dissipate. If the girl hadn't been so toxic and I'd been single I would probably have been in touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Takes a while. She's distracted right now. I've been the dumper before, and "overlapped" relationships. Not that I'm proud of it, but I can tell you what happened to me. After about 2-3 months of NC instigated by both of us, I would lie in bed next to the other girl through the night feeling very guilty, having regrets etc, missing the other one. It took about a month or two for it to dissipate. If the girl hadn't been so toxic and I'd been single I would probably have been in touch. Thanks ToodlePip, It's good to hear it from the otherside as it were. At least I can keep some glimmer of hope alive that she may come back. We didn't split up badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Important thing is, you really need ot use the NC to step away from her emotionally, break free from the confines of the relationship, and come to terms with whether it was actually worth having in a sense. If you just wait for the status quo to resume, you might be re-entering a relationship that is a waste of time in the sense it's not the best you can have. Since my own NC as a dumpee right now, my eyes are well and truly open. If she came back, I can honestly say she'd have a hard time. I am conflicted - want her back, but trust is broken. Try reconciling that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yes, I am aware I have a bit to think about. The not talking about any problems and the fact she so quickly dated again. Its going to take a lot of talking to convince me even though I love her so much (mind you I am not sure I will be so strong when the contact is made and she makes the first overtures). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToodlePip Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 That's where NC is great if done properly. I'm working at raising myself emotionally and spiritually, to the point where I'm putting myself, not her, on a pedestal. Might sound a bit arrogant, but it allows me to distance myself. If you become protective of your new life, you'll naturally be less likely to fall for any half-ars*ed attempts at reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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