lwkniko Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 That was my "friend zone" situation and now heres an update with this girl who I just basically cut off. I took the advice of the thread and let her know that I couldn't let this kind of thing go on any longer and that I couldn't continue seeing her if she is just going to mess with my feelings/flirt and not want to even kiss me. I hate this friend zone crap. So the story goes we were watching another movie(I told myself it would be the last time as I planned to tell her tonight that I was done with her) and then we were cuddling again like before. The movie ends and then we were just laying there again for a minute. I debated on whether I should try and kiss her again but I knew I'd end up with the same crap she did to me a week prior. We cuddled up even closer together and then she muttered to me that this isn't right. Then I replied why isn't it right? Its perfect, and continued with the cuddling. Then she replied there's julian. Julian is this dude that she talks to occasionally and she was involved with him last semester. She always complains about him to me and I replied if he treats you like * * * * then just leave him and come to me... She said I know I like you way better and you are the most important person at this college to me but I've already slept with him, and that's serious to me because I've only slept with one other guy in my whole life and I'm still getting over that relationship too...So I said ok well im not here to try and convince you to be with me like last time and proceeded to tell her that I was going to stop spending time with her because I need to look out for myself like she is looking out for herself. She said she respected me for it and as I was about to get up she gave me a big hug and squeezed me tight and we just layed there for literally 15 minutes. She whispered to me please don't leave me your my everything at this school and you don't know how much you mean to me...You get everything from me except my body, thats all you want...I countered with a good argument and said that I have to do this for myself I can't just wait for you to get over julian..She said I know but....oh...She then said you are going to make me regret this... A few minutes went by with us not saying anything and just holding each other, then she said if we where together would you hide it from julian(since I do kinda now the guy) and I replied no if we were together why would we have to hide it? Then she continued hugging me tight and said I know but I cant just stop with him and try you itd be complicated. Then she asks me why are you doing this? Then I replied I'm not doing anything your doing this to yourself girl....So at that moment my roomate comes in unannounced to grab something and walks out. Then she laughs and says he probably thinks we were * * * * ing...So I laugh and just grab her into my arms again, then she all of a sudden says "Why aren't we * * * * ing?" And gets on top of me in a sexual position while I'm laying down and starts feeling all over my as I do the same...But then before I get the opportunity to try and start the kissing she gets up and says this isn't right I should go... At that point im kinda frustrated and say see that's what im talking about you lead me on and then do that kind of stuff I can't let myself get played with like that anymore...She grabs me again and we hug for like another 5 minutes literally and I let go and say good night...She replies in a sad voice this is goodbye for good awwww and she looked down. She proceeds to walk out but then turns around and hugs me again as I say goodnight and I kiss her on the cheek, and she then kisses me on the cheek like 4 times. I then say it is what it is but this coulda been special. Oh well good night. I know this was a super long story...But this was the right thing for me to do right? Do you think that overtime she might come back to me? I'm not hoping for it I'm moving on but just the way she reacted to me telling her that and the fact that I am like her whole life at college.(I have way more of a social life at the school and way more known then her) I'm not going to let this girl play games with me and mess with my feelings anymore. Its been 2 days and I haven't called her. I'm also going out of town for spring break and I'll forget about her. I know she is going through hell because she had gotten really close to me and I'm like her whole social life besides her best friend and that * * * * buddy of hers julian. Oh well I'm moving on, what do you guys think of the way I cut her off? I took the advice from the last thread, and I tried to be nice about it. Thanks for reading such a long post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
givinggirl Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I say good for you!! She doesn't deserve you sticking around. I know you like the girl, but she is being completely manipulative and selfish without any regard for your feelings, yet she expects you to have regard for hers. It is a two way street and she needs to learn that. What, she wanted to secretly date you so that she could decide if she liked you better than Julian before she ends it with him? Then, what, would she do the same thing to you with another guy. I hate to say it, but I also wouldn't believe her when she says that she only slept with one other guy before. I would bet on it that is not true. Especially, how she was so forward with you about having sex. Then snatching it all away. It sounds to me like she has issues of control...she will always play you in order to have control over you. Don't let her do it. Stick to your guns and don't give into her if she does call you. For your sake, I hope she doesn't contact you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 You definitely did the right thing, and you were definitely nice about it --perhaps nicer than she deserves. She was definitely playing you; she's either not over this Julian character and is using you as a sort of back-up to ease her pain, or she likes the attention but doesn't want a relationship with you, or she's just plain confused and has NO idea what she wants. Regardless of what's going on with her, you don't deserve to be dragged along for the rollercoaster ride while she figures herself out. Cutting her off was the best thing you could do for yourself. It will hurt for awhile, but...you don't need this kind of thing. It's not healthy. As tempting as it might be to take her calls, spend time with her -- don't. Be cordial if you see her at school, but don't make any special effort to be extra nice to her. If she figures out she's made a mistake down the road, she knows where to find you, but you need to get yourself out the the situation and move forward. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
l9grl Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 she's a mess - stay away from women like that cutting off was the only healthy choice you could make Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think you showed her that you do care about her but at the same time you arent going to play yourself. Which means that you stood up for yourself and realized that if a girl is emotionally attached to someone else then she isnt going to give you a fair chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwkniko Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 update: she just sent me a text an hour ago saying: I know it hasn't even been a day, but i fu**ing miss you.... I laughed when I read this, because she is still trying to mess with me...I know she probably really does miss me, but this is all her fault...What does she want me to do? I didn't reply cause I couldn't think of anything to say. Should I have said something, and is there anything I can say to benefit me??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bostonbruins24 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 update: she just sent me a text an hour ago saying: I know it hasn't even been a day, but i fu**ing miss you.... I laughed when I read this, because she is still trying to mess with me...I know she probably really does miss me, but this is all her fault...What does she want me to do? I didn't reply cause I couldn't think of anything to say. Should I have said something, and is there anything I can say to benefit me??? Yes,give me a call if things are through with Julian.Although I think you are a great person it would be too hard right now for me to just be friends with you,I wanted more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
givinggirl Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 update: she just sent me a text an hour ago saying: I know it hasn't even been a day, but i fu**ing miss you.... I laughed when I read this, because she is still trying to mess with me...I know she probably really does miss me, but this is all her fault...What does she want me to do? I didn't reply cause I couldn't think of anything to say. Should I have said something, and is there anything I can say to benefit me??? If you feel the need to reply, just reiterate what you said. Tell her, "I am sorry that you miss me, but my feelings are my #1 priority." or something of the sort so that she doesn't think she can just worm her way back in by guilting you into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hulk7280 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 does julian know she spends so much time with u and cuddles with u at night? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutz Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 She wants to have sex with you, but wants you to lead her. You basically got a bunch of LMR (Last minute resistance), which is token resistance to sex to show you she's not a tramp. Fractionation and 2 steps forward, 1 step back would have been a good way to go. Freezing her out would have also been a good tactic to try out. Right now you're her emotional tampon, but she's also thinking of having sex with you. She said as much when you were with her. That was a giant green like to screw her brains out. You just have to know how to take charge and lead her through her emotions to give you both what you want. She's just immature and doesn't know how to articulate it or make the magic happen. The moment she jumped on top, that's when the clothes should have came off, then you tell her you should stop, then you go back into it, then you take off the pants, tell her this is wrong, go back into it, back and forth back and forth. It's pretty standard stuff in escalating towards sex and building her comfort at the same time because she's too immature to go after what she really wants. You just have to do all the work for her, both physically and emotionally. Overall I'd say the OP is less in the friend zone than he thinks and the girl was just hoping he'd finally make a move. That being said, she does NOT sound like relationship material just yet as it appears she wants to have her cake and to eat it too, evidenced by the FB Julian and her actions with the OP. On the other hand, she could be in the process of getting a firm grip on the next branch before letting to of the previous one as the Monkey Theory metaphor goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwkniko Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 And the reason I didn't try to much when she was on top of me because we still hadn't kissed yet so I thought it'd be too much if I did. so if she wants to have sex with me is cutting her off the wrong way to go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bostonbruins24 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 And the reason I didn't try to much when she was on top of me because we still hadn't kissed yet so I thought it'd be too much if I did. so if she wants to have sex with me is cutting her off the wrong way to go?It depends on what you want out of it.If you care about her and can't stand the thought of her being with Julian then I would say ,yes,cut her off.If you want to enjoy occasional sex with her while you search for someone else,then go for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_styles Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 She's sounding more and more messed up (fine, "confused" just to be nice and fair) as this goes on. Especially that part with the sex, given you just told her no more of this stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutz Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Did you notice that when you pulled back she began to chase? That says a lot. I say do it again, get her in a position where she feels that loss, then go for it. It'll snap her out of the confusion. Remember, women secretly deep down want to be lead. When she's on top like that or you're in a "close" position, just tell her to kiss you. Come here. hug and hold on to her: Kiss me. blankly at you: Kiss me. Now. If she complies, which she likely will if she's attracted and still wants you, then go from there. Just escalate like I said before and use those tactics I described for leading her to sex which it sounds is what she wants. I mean who *doesn't* like sex? She wants you but she wants you to take responsibility and do all the work so she doesn't feel like a * * * * or * * * * * . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
givinggirl Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 This thread seems to have turned into a great confirmation of how people play mind games. From your posts, I don't think that you just want casual sex from this girl. You have stronger feelings for her than that. I also think that she wouldn't give in so easily since she can dangle things in front of you in order to control you. In my opinion that is what she thrives on, so she will not give that up so easily. I still say keep your distance and don't let her get you caught up in her games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Nutz makes some good points. Seems to me like she wanted you. One thing I disagree with Nutz on is how to snap her out of it. IMO the way you're going is the best way. Ignore her. She needs to feel the loss of you. You need her to chase you a bit. It's the only way she will realize what she wants. In the mean time you need to think it's done. You 2 will never be together. Move on. You want more than just sex with her. Having sex with her may bring her to you but it may not depending on the actions of the other guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubb Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Nutz makes some good points. Seems to me like she wanted you. One thing I disagree with Nutz on is how to snap her out of it. IMO the way you're going is the best way. Ignore her. She needs to feel the loss of you. You need her to chase you a bit. It's the only way she will realize what she wants. In the mean time you need to think it's done. You 2 will never be together. Move on. You want more than just sex with her. Having sex with her may bring her to you but it may not depending on the actions of the other guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwkniko Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 well ignoring her won't be hard since im going out of town for 2weeks for spring break soon..plus ive already been ignoring her and she knows I'm cutting her off. after this separation do u think I should try again when I come back? That is of course only if she contacts me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
real2 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 well ignoring her won't be hard since im going out of town for 2weeks for spring break soon..plus ive already been ignoring her and she knows I'm cutting her off. after this separation do u think I should try again when I come back? That is of course only if she contacts me If you assume this, you will think about her too much and become depressed for no reason. Cut her off emotionally, and physically. Done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_styles Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 well ignoring her won't be hard since im going out of town for 2weeks for spring break soon..plus ive already been ignoring her and she knows I'm cutting her off. after this separation do u think I should try again when I come back? That is of course only if she contacts me Maybe a bit blunt here, but that ain't cutting her off if you honestly want to "try again" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwkniko Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 well maybe I cut her off for a while see if she chases n realizes what she wants And if that doesnt work just cut her off for good...good way to go about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angellight Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 She is very confused and torn...You need to let her go..Let her realize you are not going to be there...She may realize she messed up and come back or she may not...If you love something set it free..If she comes back she's yours without Julien hanging around in the wings.... Do NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to be pulled into a relationship where you have to hide it and be the sidekick.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutz Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 She is very confused and torn...You need to let her go..Let her realize you are not going to be there...She may realize she messed up and come back or she may not...If you love something set it free..If she comes back she's yours without Julien hanging around in the wings.... Do NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to be pulled into a relationship where you have to hide it and be the sidekick.. Could not have said it better myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Never be the guy standing and hugging on a woman for 15 minutes who then teases you and leaves, don't wallow in feminine emotions like this, let her do that with her girlfriends and stuffed animals. This girl is a testosterone vampire, sucking your manly juices dry (not in a good way) and dragging you down into her girly girl land where you don't belong. Go to a barnyard and note that the rooster does not stand around hugging on the hens. He just does his business. Of course we are much more complex, but the analogy is apt. Start taking her clothes off, as others say, lead her. Don't worry if you haven't kissed yet. Do not act guilty or hesitant, you are doing what you are supposed to do, nothing at all to be ashamed of. Don't let her silly rationalizations deter you once she is giving clear buying signals. Just be the man. It's not some etched in stone progression. If she hesitates or stops you directly, don't try to persuade or convince her, just agree that it's probably a bad idea and act like you are getting ready to take off or leave, NOT angrily, just matter of fact, be flirtatious with her and smile. This is what Nutz is talking about as "freezing out" and it works wonders. When I was your age, I'd throw in a half-playful "You are a total tease." This creates a dilemma. She doesn't want to be a tease or a sleaze, but hanging out hugging forever makes this into a bigger deal than it should be. Close the deal, she wants you to man up and remove this other dude from her mind. Best place to do that is in bed. It's likely that she is testing other guys in this way that you don't even know about. She is going to start sleeping with one of them, might as well be you, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwkniko Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 So should I hang out with her one more time and try leading her? Or would agreeing to get together with her if she asks put me in a weak position like I wont go through with ever completely cutting her off? Because honestly I feel like if I had her in my room again like that it would happen, especially after her realizing she could lose me...Because a mistake I made with this girl is that I was always too available and never a challenge I guess...But doing this was the best move I could make for myself, and if it works that would be great to finally have sex with her, as I don't really think she is solid relationship material but we could still have something, and who knows maybe over time it could be...And if not, if I don't get her next time then I will proceed to cut her off and lose her forever and thats what was going to happen anyway so would it really hurt for me to give it one last shot? I feel like me separating myself and telling her that I am willing to let her go took all the control away from her and firmly showed her that I have value and that I am worth chasing too. And if she chases and comes back to me then great, and if she doesn't oh well Im back to square one looking for another girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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