Pixiedoc Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Can anyone please advise me what this means: "I don't want the pressure of a relationship"? This is not a comment from someone who I went out with for a few months but someone who pledged friendship, said I was the one and only love of his life, we were soul mates, friends and had the same future goals in mind - for 2 years! In the beginning we saw each other nearly every day, then it was always him who chose to cut back the nights we spent together (at my house as I have young children, he just has a cat I was o.k. with this as we both work and have busy lives, but gradually there were a lot less 'I love you's" from him and as we couldn't manage to sell our houses to be together, he said he 'couldn't see a future' and ended up wanting to see me only 1 night a week, despite really loving me. Also, he had been alone (after a difficult divorce) for 10 years and last week eventually told me he would prefer to be alone (knowing it would be for the rest of his life), despite sharing our hopes and dreams for the future for the past 2 years. I am completely devastated, as despite any difficulties,I thought we were strong overall and looking forward to a long term future. He wants to stay friends, but I am not sure how healthy/right this is. Could someone please advise...I would appreciate all answers, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Sounds like he has some very deep issues with his previous relationship that he hasn't come to terms with. I would step back a bit and don't pressure him but give him the feeling that you are there to help and listen. He may not get over it but he must have been close to start a relationship with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odile Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this. For whatever reason (and sorry to state the obvious), this guy is not ready to make a commitment. It is unclear whether his hesitance is towards making a commitment to you, or if he's just shy of that type of commitment in general. If he's been tapering off contact for what sounds like a while now, my recommendation (as painful as it may be) would be to initiate LC, yourself. Maybe even NC for a little while, if you're feeling really poorly. He may care, but the relationship is at a standstill, and you'll be better off if you can give yourself some time to get over the plans/dreams you had, and which he says he no longer wants to pursue. Putting pressure on him may only drive a wedge between you. There's no telling what his feelings are deep down, but if he's worth a damn, he'll understand that you'll need space to come to terms with the choices that he is making, and he will still be there as your friend when you feel that you are ready to accept friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Something is going on. Is it possible he met someone else? Not being able to sell a house should not make or break the relationship. He already was in a 2 year relationship with you so to say he doesn't want the pressure at this point is kind of silly and a very lame excuse. All his talk about soul mates etc is just empty words because his actions don't back it up. I would pay more attention to his actions...pulling away, minimizing his time with you, lame excuse about the house etc...those are actions which show someone who has lost interest. All the talk about soul mates etc...I suspect that was at the beginning of the relationship when he was trying to woo you and was in the infatuation stage of the relationship. Many men make grandiose claims like that early on, want to see the woman all the time in the beginning...it is all smoke and mirrors. Once the woman is hooked they pull away and do the disappearing act with lame excuses....some words of love thrown in just to keep the person hanging around. I would say cut your losses...the guy you are seeing now is the true person...not the one you saw who wooed you with fancy words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I feel the same. I really can't face or be bothered with the seeing 'them', calling them, making sure they are ok, meeting up so many times a week, the constant effort of texting, saying and doing the right thing all the time and possibly for the rest of my life and even worse someone plonking their a** on my sofa, eating from my fridge and going to bed to find 'them' laying in my bed night after night- The thought horrifies me. Maybe I will change when I meet the right person but right now all I want is to live my life and be free to do what I want when I want. I don't really care what others think of my attitude it's my life and I like it the way it is. I am only posting this hoping this helps you see things from the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Hey thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them. I know he's definitely not seeing/thinking about someone else, but is very busy at the moment with work. I agree he might have felt under pressure to respond to texts, my needing him at certain times etc. but still, he said he has been coming to the conclusion that he would rather be alone for 7-8 weeks. Yet when I look back he said then that 'every moment with me was precious' and just a couple of weeks ago that '7 nights a week would not be enough'. Mixed messages eh?! Still, I also agree that I should probably beat a dignified retreat as if I got him so wrong, or if he allowed me to go on believing we had a future (or even that I didn't get his subtle hints and he didn't want to hurt me I'm not sure there is a way forward - I think you're right odile that friendship might be the best option for us, even though I'm going through hell at the moment due to the 'it's not you, it's me' cliches. Thanks again everyone and amipushy too for the alternative view - it does sound like him a bit although why do it (and push it) for 2 years then change your mind...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Thanks again everyone and amipushy too for the alternative view - it does sound like him a bit although why do it (and push it) for 2 years then change your mind...? Who knows? We can only try and hope that things work out, you know. I'm sure this would have been on his mind (or at the back of it) for long before you knew anything about it but I'm sure it wasn't a decision taken lightly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Hey, you're probably right and I got fed up with the insecurity of the situation too - I'm the least 'clingy' person I know and firmly believe that if someone doesn't want to be with you, you certainly shouldn't be with them Life is too short. However, he still wants to maintain links, calls me 'honey', kisses and hugs me...hopefully a friendship can continue - we will see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Well, it's nearly 2 weeks and I'm managing to maintain my dignity and we seem to have a really good friendship going. I've removed every single one of those 'potentially pressureful' things like needy texts etc and this week we have seen each other more than usual, offering help with work, friendship and 'friendly' not romantic affection. Hugs, kisses and positive chat has strangely been a big healer. And I'm feeling more optimistic about the future - I know I can cope away from him but will be grateful even if we just have a friendship (the wanting it to be more will take much longer to go away, but I will squeeze it down as far down in my heart as I can). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolates Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hey thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them. I know he's definitely not seeing/thinking about someone else, but is very busy at the moment with work. ...? That "busy at the moment with work" just grates on me. This guy I was seeing until today - fed me that for A YEAR AND A HALF. Its crap. its all excuses to cover up real reasons. I believe, and always will believe, that people will make time if they WANT to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I always have a hectic work load but I always made time for my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yeah, me too. After my ex said, at New Year, after reducing our time together to Saturday morning and evening, I asked him what his New Year Resolutions were, for a bit of fun. Even my 10 year old was really shocked when he said 'have more "me" time'!! She said 'shouldn't you be spending more time with Mum?'. Out of the mouths of babes. I guess I should have got the message there and then, but he appeared chastened and 'made up' for it by spending more time wth me...that week. Feeling bad tonight and lonely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 I'm finding it really hard to balance trying to put my love for him into friendship and value it, and being angry at him for treating me like this and not even discussing anything with me until it was too late and he delivered the fait accompli. I would say I'm doing LC, just reasonably friendly text messages, but do you think I should just cut them all? I really do want to remain friends, but maybe I have a way to go before I can do that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I'm finding it really hard to balance trying to put my love for him into friendship and value it, and being angry at him for treating me like this and not even discussing anything with me until it was too late and he delivered the fait accompli. I would say I'm doing LC, just reasonably friendly text messages, but do you think I should just cut them all? I really do want to remain friends, but maybe I have a way to go before I can do that... I would but its entirely your choice. You have to do what you have to do, and for you and no one else. What about him and what will he think if you do? He's already made his choice and has to live with the consequences of that choice. Might give him some time to reflect also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nem69 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 At the moment I don't think you are in a position to remain friends, Probably like me, you hurt to much. Maybe in time you could but for the moment I would try NC and give yourself time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thanks nem and amipushy, I know if I go NC he will not respond, he's one of these people that then stands tall, puts an impassive look on his face and walks away (like me in some situations but not in love). What gets me is that he would throw away the so-called love of his life, best friend, lover and soulmate, just because he prefers to be by himself (with his cat!). His family don't understand it, nor do his friends or my friends. How on earth can I live with this and accept it when everyone else is looking for loving, caring relationships and that was what I offered and gave him?? Sorry, I'm really struggling at the moment and so are my kids... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 I would but its entirely your choice. You have to do what you have to do, and for you and no one else. What about him and what will he think if you do? He's already made his choice and has to live with the consequences of that choice. Might give him some time to reflect also. I think if I go NC he will think that I need time to come to terms with things so he won't contact me. However I don't want to lose any friendship I have with him. The weekend coming up is difficult, as last year he went to huge efforts on Mother's Day for me with the kids and we also had a big celebration for Persia New Year (he is Persian) which is tomorrow. So I'm torn between asking whether he wants to do anything tomorrow (as a friend, which I would do with any of my other friends) or leaving it in case it appears pushy!! What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 It's mothers day, YOUR day! so plan for a 'FULL' day with your kids. And besides- Whats wrong with him asking? Don't be chasing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 OK thanks amipushy, too true! He organised everything last year, however, I have my lovely children this year and if he's not willing to think about the day, well that has to take me a weekend further to recovery.....I think One problem, the wine which helps me not care is becoming too regular for comfort...hmm, anyone else have that problem?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted March 29, 2009 Author Share Posted March 29, 2009 So he broke up with me when he was feeling ill and honestly thought that it would be 'best for both of us'....? I think he was right as I was always the one making 99% of the effort - we just agreed fairly early on that I was the 'planner' and he was the 'spontaneous' one - it worked while we were in a relationship, but I'm worried that he has withdrawn into being solitary existence. He's not depressive, but pretty much a hermit, but I saw the best part of him at the beginning of our relationship. Why would someone want to put that part of themselves back in the box and only exist with the barriers and smaller and not passionate side of themselves for the future? Is it easier, or more selfish for them? Would really appreciate some insight here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratfreak Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I dont quite get the "pressures of a relationship" or "i wasn't ready for a relationship" that i just got after 3 years. i especially don't get it when they say they want you in their life as friends and that they miss you and the things you used to do - but they don't want to love you. i think it's just a way of having best of both worlds to keep the care from the relationship but also be able to see other people without calling it cheating. i would say nc and be friends when you're done hurting and moved on to someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScorpiGal83 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I dont quite get the "pressures of a relationship" or "i wasn't ready for a relationship" that i just got after 3 years. i especially don't get it when they say they want you in their life as friends and that they miss you and the things you used to do - but they don't want to love you. i think it's just a way of having best of both worlds to keep the care from the relationship but also be able to see other people without calling it cheating. i would say nc and be friends when you're done hurting and moved on to someone else. THIS exact thing happened to me!! He said he wanted to have the freedom to do what he wants to do and feels too young to settle down and wants to work on his career. Pixiedoc, a lot of the things you said about your ex spending more time at work and needing more "me" time to himself.. sounds exactly like how my ex started behaving a year ago... he deliberately stayed late at work (sometimes even slept there!!) to be by himself and away from me. We broke up for a while in July 2008.. then got back together because he missed me still loved me still saw it working out.. then we broke up just under a week ago. FOR GOOD (that's what I want, now, not just what he wants.. tho I'm not even sure HE knows what he wants!!) NOT a good sign at all. Just leave him be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixiedoc Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 Well now, I just wanted you all to know that things can work out if we leave them for a while. I met up with my ex a few days ago (after 4 weeks apart) and told him that I loved him as a friend AND a lover and that my love for him was unconditional, in that I was here for him but understood his need for independence and aloneness. He then told me that he loved me and missed me (I would never had known this had I not met him face to face) and had done various things like removed pictures of me as it 'hurt too much' to see them. Going NC and VLC had meant that I had no idea how he was feeling and I took the chance to sound him out like this personally. The end result was that we kissed and hugged and now have re-evaluated and re-negotiated our relationship taking it back to basics and we are MUCH happier as a result. We are now back together as a couple and I just wanted to share this with you all and thank you for all your help over the past very important 6 weeks. I guess if I have learned anything it is to maintain a dignified position, offer friendship and wait.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat76 Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Thats great news Pixie. How much contact did you have in the last 6 weeks and who's idea was it to meet up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WomanWriter Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 Well, from what I gather from my ex, they feel like being with you is somehow holding them back from achieving things in life (as if they can't be mutually exclusive). My ex was with me for 7 yrs and engaged when he decided he wanted to "find himself" and "be free to be himself." I think it's some mental conditioning they are programmed with either by society or their family or something because lots of people have relationships and hold down a career at the same time, right? So why would a person say they need to get out of a relationship in order to get their lives together? I think it's partly an excuse. I also think it's a projection. I think they SAY they want to be free, don't want to have pressure...but on the flip slide, they act like you're not meeting thieir needs. My ex didn't want our lives to revolve around each other but he was always quick to butt into MY life and tell me what to do even though he had a ton of his own problems. It sounds like they just don't want to deal with their issues and need to make us their excuse, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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