Tired Tiger Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Hey guys, I had posted my story in the Breakup forum, "Sad and frazzled - I've lost her." Couldn't post a url here, anyway... In a nutshell, it's been a week since she "dropped the bomb". Because of economics and logistics, we still live together. In the first few days, I attempted to discuss this, but hit nothing but a brick wall. I pulled back and muddled through the week as a cordial roomie (and gave her all the space I could - we live in a huge house), but have really been a mess inside. I've been doing some "180" things within the limits of the situation, and reading all I can (much about "the eleventh hour"). Yesterday evening, after a quiet dinner together (her kids gone for the weekend), I suggested maybe watching a movie together. Bad idea, that. Before I knew it, I was getting the whole kitchen sink thrown at me, and a stern reminder that "done is done". Yikes. I ended all that by simply telling her that once me and all my things are gone, the reality of these things is that we would likely never see each other again (especially since I moved 850 miles to be with her, and I'll have to move 850 miles back and start my life from scratch) - and that breaks my heart. No reply. It was kind of a "That 70's Show" moment when Donna and Eric broke up. How pathetic is it that I come up with that reference? Anyway... I retreated to my cave, drained and hopeless. A couple hours later, I went downstairs to let the doggies out. Here's where things start getting me really confused. She was off in a side room of the house surfing. I had every intention of doing my pre-bedtime routine without bothering her at all. As I walk past the room, she says, "whatcha doin?". Umm... just... stuff... why? She wanted to know if she could hug me without my freaking out. Umm - "freaking out"? I'm a pretty laid back guy to start with, so I'm not sure what she meant by that. Of course, I wasn't going to refuse that. Big, tight, long hug, during which I apologized for the earlier "altercation", and stated how hard this all was for me. Followed by 45 minutes of lively, upbeat conversation about families and movies, but nothing about "us". Finished that with another long hug. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I left on a high note and retreated to the cave - somewhat bewildered. Now, since the bomb dropped, she's spent all but one night on the sofa downstairs. The one exception was earlier in the week, and it was so late, I *almost* hadn't noticed. Last night, an hour or two after the above paragraph occurred - she comes into our room and crawls into bed. Granted, not wearing a Frederick's teddy and pouncing on me, but still curled up on her side facing me. I kissed her on the head before I turned out the light, and We fell asleep with our hands barely touching. This morning, I got up a few minutes later than her and initiated another hug. No hesitation on her part, and all is still very friendly. I'm still leaving her plenty of space, though, and not following her around all day like a puppy. I don't know what, if anything, all of this means. Am I just being pathetic and reading too much into this, or are these the actions of a woman who is determind that this is "over" and has lost all of "that feeling"? I'm in an awful position here, because first and foremost, I love her with all may heart - but if there's "no chance", I have to tackle immeasurable tasks to leave here - and all of this will be under a somewhat shallow time frame. *scratches head* ( *side note - I'm 99.9% certain there is no OM) What's going on here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stickman Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Been there....done that. I moved 850 miles to be with my last ex...and...her kids...and mom! After a short while she asked me to move out. Well....I did....and moved back the 850 miles. In a few months she wantd me back and said that she only wanted me to move out...not move away. I said that I did not move 850 miles, leave my home state and up root my life to just DATE her! Back to you. Perhaps you can move out for a short period and give her the space she needs to get her head together. I would then cut off all contact. She has to experience the emptiness of your loss to appreciate what she HAS. Maybe just get a small room or apartment for a few MONTHS if money is tight. Soon enough you will have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 tough situation. i was there. i don't think you can really understand what she's thinking right now. it's not a rational situation. emotion wins. i would suggest leaving as soon as possible. there's no way to clearly see through this while you're still living together. it's never a bad idea to let the strong emotions subside. and they will. you can only attempt to be civil. leave on a good note...with your dignity intact. each having your own space will be good for both of you. i dunno the circumstances of the breakup...but you may find yourself understanding that it was actually the right choice. it's an opportunity to really be honest with yourself. my heart goes out to ya...not fun...but try and see this as an opportunity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks for the replies, guys. I did not move 850 miles, leave my home state and up root my life to just DATE her! Precisely. I really wish it were as simple as just moving out and into the most rudimentary of places. My vehicle is in the shop, all of my friends, family, and possible limited resources are back in my home state, and I'm currently out of work. I am, for the immediate future, "stuck" here. I've invested my entire life here, and leaving will not only bring no returns, but a total loss. Starting over from scratch - literally - while also trying to deal with the emotional loss. It's a big mess. i dunno the circumstances of the breakup...but you may find yourself understanding that it was actually the right choice. Well, think "walkaway wife" syndrome, but w/o the OM element. I didn't listen to her emotional needs, and over time she "lost that feeling". Now, she's on this 'independent, just wanna raise the kids, have a gazillion friends' kick. At the same time, I can't look past what we went through to be together, how inseparably close we've been, and what my leaving here will *really* mean. She did say things during the early talks like maybe we could date once in a while (850 miles apart? How does that work?), or that maybe our time is down the road somewhere, never say never, etc., but that just seems so unrealistic to me. I took a break from some chores around here, and we had lunch together - very nice, but mostly her bubbly gabbing about her friends and whatnot. I'm mostly biting my tongue and trying not to swerve into the on-coming traffic of relationship (or even affection) talk. *shaking head* I guess I'll just have to stick this out as best I can for now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I didn't listen to her emotional needs, and over time she "lost that feeling". Now, she's on this 'independent, just wanna raise the kids, have a gazillion friends' kick. Not to belittle the situtaion, but if that's all there is (no other guy in the picture), the passage of time will have a profound effect on her deepest feelings. Patience, my good man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Hey Brownstone. I certainly hope you're right. I was reading your thread, and you mentioned yours was about to turn 40. Yikes... mine dropped the bomb on me on her 40th birthday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 There's twisted humor in our respective situations. Give her time and space. All she needs. We're not kids; it's not the same as the college kids' issues -- different sets of emotions, different levels of maturity, different levels of bonding. Besides, dude, we're too old for panic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Besides, dude, we're too old for panic. LOL... you'd think so, right? I'm tryin' my best under the circumstances, believe me. Curse these women and their curves and scents and such and whatnot... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Not to belittle the situtaion, but if that's all there is (no other guy in the picture), the passage of time will have a profound effect on her deepest feelings. Patience, my good man. that's inspiring. i feel bad that you have nowhere to stay. the circumstances suck. what you really need is some emotional space. maybe there's another way you can find that. if leaving isn't an option...can you at least distance yourself? make a concerted effort NOT to be around? it's not optimal...really. i just remember how hard it was having a girlfriend of 6 years turn into a roomate. nothing really started happening for me until she was completely gone. i'd hate to see you get stuck like that. ha...and now i feel like one of those ''college kids''! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Where there's a will, there's a way, I guess. It's not like I'm going to be homeless or anything, but the logistics are going to take time to figure out. I'm actually sitting here this evening trying to work out in my mind how I need to get out of here because of how much I want to be with her. This is going to continue to be nothing but a roller coaster for me as long as I'm here. I don't know what that 'positive' episode was all about last night and most of today, but I sit here now feeling just awful. Something's gotta give. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Where there's a will, there's a way, I guess. It's not like I'm going to be homeless or anything, but the logistics are going to take time to figure out. I'm actually sitting here this evening trying to work out in my mind how I need to get out of here because of how much I want to be with her. This is going to continue to be nothing but a roller coaster for me as long as I'm here. I don't know what that 'positive' episode was all about last night and most of today, but I sit here now feeling just awful. Something's gotta give. the bolded...that's a pretty significant thing to say...even more significant to really feel it. all too often...all we hear is that if someone really loves me...they'd stand by me in my time of greatest need. i think it takes something much more profound to be able to walk away. take strength from your feelings. they don't make you weak...they make you strong. it feels impossible that it will feel better...but it will. for me...just getting out for a while each day helped me get back on my feet. there's a strange comfort from strangers...even if you have nothing to do with them. i go out for coffee every day...most of the time by myself...just to be around other people. inch by inch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 ](*,) Even better is if we complicate matters as much as possible before I leave... Last night, feeling pretty much resigned to all of this inevitability, she comes to bed. One thing leads to another, and... Wow... just wow. Best in a long time. Then there's the talk this morning. "That was amazing, but..." ](*,) :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 ](*,) Even better is if we complicate matters as much as possible before I leave... Last night, feeling pretty much resigned to all of this inevitability, she comes to bed. One thing leads to another, and... Wow... just wow. Best in a long time. Then there's the talk this morning. "That was amazing, but..." ](*,) Most women don't have sex willy-nilly. That speaks volumes about the underlying foundations of your relationship. You still need time apart, but I can tell your "fundamentals" are OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Thanks again for all this feedback, guys. It really does help. As much experience as I've had with relationships in the past, seems like you have to learn this part of it all over again. Based on everything, including listening to her talk this morning, I do know this much - she does love me. She refuses to completely close the door on a future (someday). The physical attraction/chemistry is not in question whatsoever. There isn't (and won't be for the foreseeable future) another man. Brownstone, as you mentioned - the foundation/fundamentals are strong. That's part of what makes all this so frustrating. Even right now, after all of this, we still interact as the best of friends. Most women don't have sex willy-nilly. That would be an understatement for her. I'm only the 3rd man she's slept with (the other 2 being her marriages), and only the 2nd man she's actually been 'in love' with - the other having to go back 25 years. And - attempting all bias aside - the woman is an absolute knockout (seriously). That doesn't even matter to her - if it's not for a deeply emotional reason - it ain't gonna happen. it feels impossible that it will feel better...but it will. I know it will, too. I guess we just wish there was a quicker way to make that happen. But, I know that what a lot of this is about is her need to sort out her own baggage and issues. Family stuff. Past relationship stuff. Things like that. For whatever the reason, she needs to tackle that stuff without me around. I do understand that, as much as it hurts. All I can do is focus on my own survival and rebuilding, and hope that I don't end up resenting her in the end for this. I guess I'll start packing things tomorrow... :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Most women don't have sex willy-nilly. That speaks volumes about the underlying foundations of your relationship. You still need time apart, but I can tell your "fundamentals" are OK. i think this is probably pretty true...but in no way makes the situation any easier. fundamentals are good...but baggage and emotion will destroy even the best fundamentals. i think you'll only get hung out to dry if you continue to be there for her on a physical level. pretty tough to help yourself when you feel like you need to help her at the same time. besides...she's already decided that you can't help her (by initiating the break). packing up and saying goodbye is the first step towards a better future for both of you. the strong base of your relationship will not die overnight. when you love...you don't forget. i hope you both find the time to figure out what you need to do to be happy. stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 i think you'll only get hung out to dry if you continue to be there for her on a physical level. pretty tough to help yourself when you feel like you need to help her at the same time While I'll agree with you on this basic idea, I believe my situation may be manifested in the reverse role also. While I've tried my best to put on the best face, she can read me like a book - and acknowledged that it's hard for her to watch me be so depressed. In reality, it's probably an equal mix of two people who love and care for one another very deeply having to share in the prolonged agony of having to separate. Even so, what must be... must be, I guess. Just tryin' to keep my chin up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 The roller coaster continues. A repeat performance last night. But... Not a good morning. I suppose saying much else is just beating a dead horse. I'm planning on leaving (without most of my stuff) as soon as my vehicle is back from the shop. I still can't believe this is happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The roller coaster continues. A repeat performance last night. But... Not a good morning. Dude, I am soooooooo rooting for you! But you gotta get away and work out the issues that are getting in the way of the good parts. The mornings aren't good because she stops and reflects, and those issues are very real and very difficult. In the meantime, you're getting laid by the one you love (and I'm not at the moment), so count your blessings. Give her space to work this out. It'll be the best thing you ever did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Thanks so much for the encouragement, dude. It certainly helps. Just got the news that the damage to my vehicle was more extensive than first thought. It'll probably be the better part of a week before I get it back. As for counting my blessings? Well, that's all good and fine while it's happening - but I find myself back on my heels today, sick to my stomach, dizzy, drained and confused. Not because of the sex (that actually speaks volumes to me and gives me reassurance of many positive things), but because of how quickly we're back to the firm resolution she has to end us. It's frustrating and confusing. She's going to be sleeping downstairs from now on, as she admits she has no self control when it comes to that part of who we are. I'm thinking that's probably for the best, too. Right now, I'm just getting by hour by hour. What also amazes me is how women can flip that emotional switch so easily. After that excruciating talk this morning, she wanders of to the phone and and has been all gabby and happy with her girly friends - like nothing is happening here. She even passed by me and asked, "what's wrong?" Umm... seriously? How do they do that? Ugh. Like I said... hour by hour... (on edit) - BTW, I'd be very interested in also hearing points of view from the women on the board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IMAbadman Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Tiger like I posted in your other post, "Sounds like a nice little ego booster for her after she paddled your bottom. Kind of like mom's hugging the kids after disciplining them. Dude... don't play her game." I can't tell you what to do and I'm not going to try, a guy has to do what a guy has to do. I personally think you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. TT If you think you can handle the next round of heart stomping, butt paddling, bad doggy discussion from her go right on giving in to her behaviors and treatment of you. Feed her all the attention she wants. Remember she's the one with all the power at this point and, as she has shown, she'll wield it her will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Yeah badman... I know. It's certainly not as if I enjoy this sort of roller coaster. And while it's not as if I don't have some previous 'breakup' experience, I'll admit that I've never had to deal with living 24/7 with anyone under these circumstances. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I'm planning on heading back to my home state as early as this weekend, though I'll be leaving most of my things behind for now (purely for economic reasons). Not sure about the dogs yet. I just need to get away from here and give us both some space. It's been a rough day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Yeah badman... I know. It's certainly not as if I enjoy this sort of roller coaster. And while it's not as if I don't have some previous 'breakup' experience, I'll admit that I've never had to deal with living 24/7 with anyone under these circumstances. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I'm planning on heading back to my home state as early as this weekend, though I'll be leaving most of my things behind for now (purely for economic reasons). Not sure about the dogs yet. I just need to get away from here and give us both some space. It's been a rough day. it's really the only way. once you get yourself back...you'll have a whole new perspective. look forward to the day when you can look back on this as a positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 it's really the only way. once you get yourself back...you'll have a whole new perspective. look forward to the day when you can look back on this as a positive. True, that. In the meantime here, we're gonna balance out the power structure a bit. I ain't puttin' out no more. Never thought I'd ever have a use for that line! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 In the meantime here, we're gonna balance out the power structure a bit. I ain't puttin' out no more. Never thought I'd ever have a use for that line! I dunno ... I'd hit it one more time -- long, hard and deep -- before I went. A'ight, I thought a little humor was in order. 'Course I'm not actually joking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomboyMS Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I dunno ... I'd hit it one more time -- long, hard and deep -- before I went. A'ight, I thought little humor was in order. 'Course I'm not actually joking. Lol. That should give her something to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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