nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I have posted before about my boyfriend and the weekend issue. Here is a brief description. We have been together alittle over 4 years and we didnt start having this problem to recently. He stays with me all week long but on the weekends he wants to go to his dads and hang out with his friends (drink). He doesnt go out or anything he just stays home (at his dads) and drinks with his friends. He told me its because i do things that ruins his weekends and he doesnt enjoy hanging out with like he does with his friends. He said to me before, "you have to make me want to spend time with you, im not gonna waste my weekends being mad and fighting with you." So we agreed if i stop nagging him and be more enjoyable to be around then he will spend more weekend time with me. We've tried it but i messed up his weekend...again. And i admitted it and aploigized. So hes kinda skeptic of hanging out with me. So he stayed with me today (friday)...which is unusual btw. But he kinda came out and said he would be happier if i let him go home and be with his friends instead because hes been with me all week. He went to his band pratice and came back to my house but we couldnt think of anything to do so he went to sleep, which is understandable because he gets up at 6 am all week. But isnt that a part of being a "boyfriend"? I dont see how this could be good for our relationship in the long run. He tells me he has to deal with my b****ing for the rest of his life because he loves me too much to break up with me. But at the same time, i wish we could be like normal couples. We both want different things, I want him all the time because i enjoy being with him because he makes me happy, but he wants his "weekends". I love him so much but this has been a constant issue every single week. But I am definatly not trying to take away his friends at all! But the only time he can see them is friday and saturday nights. And if i ask him to come over, he says no. He thinks if i see his every single day and night during the week, then i should give his two nights to himself (without me). I dont want to break up with him but this is not what i want in a relationship. Im sorry if this doesnt make any sense. Maybe im just jealous and want all of him, i dont know. I just need some advice of what we can do as a couple, what i can do to make it better, or what! Please help me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
csrc85 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 if there's one thing i've learned while dating my boyfriend (together for 2 years now), it's that guys need their space and "guy time". why do you need to spend 7 days a week with him? i think 2 days on the weekends to spend with his friends is not unreasonable at all. seriously, if you give him space you both will be much happier. trust me. next time he leaves to spend a day or two with his friends, just give him a kiss and tell him to have fun. i promise you he will be much more willing to spend time with you if you do this rather than nag him and make him feel bad every time he goes to hang out with his friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jvc21 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Hey nrgiles, - it seems like to me that he's very controlling. He wants to be with you, but he also wants conditions that are a bit whacked. To me, a good/special relationship is one that compromises without limitations. - Having his "weekends" doesn't make sense. If you both are into each other, than this should not be an issue. There should be some sort of mutual agreement regardless of situations. - In my opinion, i think his reasoning is ridiculous. He needs to man up and be there for you. Don't take up more of his space, but come to an agreement. "you have to make me want to spend time with you, im not gonna waste my weekends being mad and fighting with you." Yeah, right. that's code for "I want you, just not on this day." Complete BS...Anyway, do what you can, seems like you deserve a bit more than what you're getting right now. ~Jvc21 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 if there's one thing i've learned while dating my boyfriend (together for 2 years now), it's that guys need their space and "guy time". why do you need to spend 7 days a week with him? i think 2 days on the weekends to spend with his friends is not unreasonable at all. seriously, if you give him space you both will be much happier. trust me. next time he leaves to spend a day or two with his friends, just give him a kiss and tell him to have fun. i promise you he will be much more willing to spend time with you if you do this rather than nag him and make him feel bad every time he goes to hang out with his friends. Thats exactly what he says. So i guess its just me then. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Hey nrgiles, - it seems like to me that he's very controlling. He wants to be with you, but he also wants conditions that are a bit whacked. To me, a good/special relationship is one that compromises without limitations. - Having his "weekends" doesn't make sense. If you both are into each other, than this should not be an issue. There should be some sort of mutual agreement regardless of situations. - In my opinion, i think his reasoning is ridiculous. He needs to man up and be there for you. Don't take up more of his space, but come to an agreement. Yeah, right. that's code for "I want you, just not on this day." Complete BS...Anyway, do what you can, seems like you deserve a bit more than what you're getting right now. ~Jvc21 We've been trying for a while now to come to an agreement for this problem. I guess it wouldnt hurt if i gave him two nights out of a seven day week for his guy time, as crvs said. However i do agree that his side of it is bs. But thanks a lot for your reply! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jvc21 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 - You're right about guys needing 'guy time'. but the way he's going about setting this up is not that great. - it's fine when he goes and says he wants time to hang and drink with his friends. but i get the impression that he's using you on the side for whatever he wants. - i dunno, what he said to you really bothers me... ~Jvc21 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addictedblue Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I don't really see why it's a problem for him to want to spend weekends with his friends. He already is with you five days a week. Don't you have friends you could hang out with on the weekends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleduckie Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 the weekend thing is soooo not your problem!! your problem is that this guy is ABUSIVE and a JERK for saying that to you. He doesn't have to put up with your "bs". IF he belittles you and your feelings like that, he doesn't love you. You don't belittle people you love. You don't tell them they're annoying to be around. You love to be around people you LOVE. he's controlling and a jerk. dump him. give him ALL the weeks AND weekends. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. It's really good that you realize this isn't what you want out of a relationship. You shouldn't have to put up with this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 I don't really see why it's a problem for him to want to spend weekends with his friends. He already is with you five days a week. Don't you have friends you could hang out with on the weekends? Yeah i do. But they always bring their boyfriends with them and say, "wheres your bf"? And it makes me feel bad because they are with their boyfriends and im not. I think my problem is i always compare my relationship to others. And my friends only been with their boyfriends for a year or whatever so they dont know how couples need time apart after so long...esp after four years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 the weekend thing is soooo not your problem!! your problem is that this guy is ABUSIVE and a JERK for saying that to you. He doesn't have to put up with your "bs". IF he belittles you and your feelings like that, he doesn't love you. You don't belittle people you love. You don't tell them they're annoying to be around. You love to be around people you LOVE. he's controlling and a jerk. dump him. give him ALL the weeks AND weekends. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. It's really good that you realize this isn't what you want out of a relationship. You shouldn't have to put up with this! Well if it was the other way around, i wouldnt want to spend time with someone who nags and causes fights when we're together. So i kinda know what he feels. He does care, thats why hes with me all week. If he didnt love me, then he would be with his friends all week and seeing me on the weekends but its not like that. I wouldnt say hes controlling. He doesnt care what I do. I just want him stuck up my a** all the time because i love being with him, but i always seem to ruin it and i make him not want to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purusha Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I dont think what he's asking for is unreasonable, maybe the problem is that when you hang out with your mates and they ask where he is it makes it appear that it's wrong that he isnt there and it's making you a lil paranoid? If there relationships aren't as long lived they're probably used to being around their partners all the time, but after you've been with someone for a few years this can certainly feel like too much. I'm one of those people who needs time and space away from a partner, no matter how much I love them, I need some time to relate to other people one on one as well - otherwise I just feel suffocated. I therefore think it's normal but because I'm that way too - I'm bias!! Why not try asking your friends if they'd like some girl time occasionally? They might secretly enjoy it. Plus you wouldn't feel like a social misfit because he's not hanging round your neck every 24 hours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 What is it that you fight about during the week that wants him to escape on the weekend? Why does he have to see his friends EVERY SINGLE weekend for both Friday night AND Saturday night. Why can't there be a compromise that sometimes he sees his friends during the week therefore leaving the weekend for both of you...or seeing his friends every other weekend leaving you to have weekend time with him to do things. There seems to be such a rigid structure..no flexibility in when to see his friends and when to see you. If he is that unhappy and can't wait to get away from you on the weekends, but says he won't leave you, this is totally unhealthy and doesn't bode well for the future. This problem needs to be solved....and it can be solved so easily by flexibility and compromise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 You may have a deeper problem here in that he is already an alcoholic if he needs to spend every single weekend binge drinking with his friends. If he does that like clockwork every weekend, he's an alcoholic. And what are you going to do when you have kids? Is he going to be hanging out drinking with his buddies all weekend like this? My suggestion is that you stop being available to him on weeknights, and tell him that if he wants to see you, he can see you on weekends like normal couples do. If he won't do that for you and chooses his weekend binge drinking over you, then he is better off gone. You don't want to be married to an immature alcoholic who puts buddy time over couples time. It is reasonable for him to go out once during the week with his friends, but drinking all weekend should not be part of his lifestyle or you have big problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 What is it that you fight about during the week that wants him to escape on the weekend? Why does he have to see his friends EVERY SINGLE weekend for both Friday night AND Saturday night. Why can't there be a compromise that sometimes he sees his friends during the week therefore leaving the weekend for both of you...or seeing his friends every other weekend leaving you to have weekend time with him to do things. There seems to be such a rigid structure..no flexibility in when to see his friends and when to see you. If he is that unhappy and can't wait to get away from you on the weekends, but says he won't leave you, this is totally unhealthy and doesn't bode well for the future. This problem needs to be solved....and it can be solved so easily by flexibility and compromise. Usually over little things, like me nagging him to put his shoes away, or take them off when we gets in the door, etc. Well im not trying to take his friends away from him and the only time he can see them is friday and saturday nights because they all work. He sees me ALL week. I will try and work out something with him. Thanks alot for your post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 I doubt he is an alcholic now. He only drinks once or twice a week, not every single day. He can go without but he just enjoys drinking with his buddies like any other guy does. Kids? Im not worried about that anytime soon! Thanks for you reply! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Would it be a good idea for his to read this post so he can get the idea? Or will he get mad? What would you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COtuner Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 nrgiles, this is what led to the breakup with my first BF. It was like he wanted to compartmentalize his life. There was GF time, buddy time, school time, work time. Some of that was my fault because I was being very clingy without really understanding that (it was my first relationship) and it drove him nuts. Some of it was immaturity on his part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COtuner Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Would it be a good idea for his to read this post so he can get the idea? Or will he get mad? What would you do? Wouldn't recommend showing him that you are posting online to strangers about him... probably make him blow up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
backsplash Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I think that there are some deeper issues than the weekends in your relationship. If you are arguing all week, especially about small stuff, that is usually a sign of some deeper hidden problems. I also don't like the fact that he drinks all weekend as someone else posted. But the real question is what will make you happy? If having him on the weekends, at least maybe one night, is what will make you happy than you deserve the compromise. if he refuses then I'd question if you want this kind of struggle your whole life. Maybe it is unreasonable to want him all week and the weekends. But then what suggestion does he offer - to make you BOTH happy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 He says that he doesn't want to spend time with you on weekends because of the fighting, just curious but don't you fight during the week also? I can understand why he would need time away after spending all week with you but I don't understand why you both need to spend every day of the week together. Do you live together? Maybe if you were to see him less through the week he would be more inclined to spend some time with you on weekends. But I can also understand where you are coming from. Although you get him all week, it's a bit unfair that you are left to do nothing at all on weekends while he is away. It's kind of like a strict routine, which leaves you feeling that if you fancy doing something with him on the weekend, you can't because that is "his" time and that isn't good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Also if you asking him to take his shoes off before he comes into the house (which I think is common courtesy anyway as when I go to people's houses the first thing I do is take my shoes off at the door without having to be asked) or to put them away causes arguments then maybe the problem is him and not so much you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikem Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I went through a similar thing as you are going through, except it was a long-distance relationship. We would keep in touch Monday - Thursday, but Friday-Sunday I wouldn't hear from her much. I asked her about it, but she never gave a reasonable explanation and it seemed like a non-negociable issue to her. Eventually, I broke off the relationship, because to me, either you are truly together or you are truly not together - not this part-time stuff. The thing he said: "you have to make me want to spend time with you, im not gonna waste my weekends being mad and fighting with you." is a bunch of BS. Sorry. If the love is truly there and there is some level of maturity, they will seek to work it out. I think God has somebody far better for you and you deserve a full-time relationship. I don't believe you can just shut the love off like that. True love can't be shut off. I think I would seriously consider moving on if he is not willing to negociate this issue. Let him go hang out with his dad and party with his friends. You move onto something better, because you deserve it! Believe me...you deserve it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Okay, so you're going to have to help me here, OP, because I don't understand what it is about a the definition of a relationship that says he has to spend all his time with you. He's not a pet. He's not an accessory. He's a human being and we all need downtime. Time to pursue our own goals, hobbies, interests and just time to decompress. Maybe it might help if you look into your own interests and hobbies and spend this time enriching yourself instead of trying to turn your relationship into slavery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 the weekend thing is soooo not your problem!! your problem is that this guy is ABUSIVE and a JERK for saying that to you. He doesn't have to put up with your "bs". IF he belittles you and your feelings like that, he doesn't love you. You don't belittle people you love. You don't tell them they're annoying to be around. You love to be around people you LOVE. he's controlling and a jerk. dump him. give him ALL the weeks AND weekends. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. It's really good that you realize this isn't what you want out of a relationship. You shouldn't have to put up with this! Are you serious? This isn't a joke post? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrgiles Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 I agree that post was a little too much. I know we all need space and time to ourselves but his "space" ALWAYS have to be on friday AND saturday night! Yeah hes with me all week and usually thrusday is our day when we just go out to dinner and grab some movies but thats only because i have class monday-wednesday nights so we really cant do anything then, so theres his time right there...when im in class. I guess i should of said this from the beginning, but i guess i feel left out on the weekends he doesnt include me in anything he does on the weekend because like i said before, i always seem to mess up his weekends. It just pisses me off how these weekends are such a damn priority to him. He needs to grow up and relize he is in a relationship, not a friendship. And believe me, i have told his this! I just dont know what else to do. He seems like he doesnt understand what i want, what a relationship should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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