saga of rich_1517 - week 7 of 8

[rich_1517]

I put my name in the post so if you are bored with my story (i have posted a lot) you can ignore it.

 

so its now seven weeks (well six weeks of the two months). of a two months deciding period from my girlfriend. better to call that ex. i never should have agreed to the deciding period and have almost called it off twice.

 

three years together. lots of love, fun, compatible values, intelligence and attraction. very comfortable.

 

she has intimicy issues meaning she withdraws over time. she has tried to be more attentive with physcal touching etc. and in bed has said if i initiate its ok. but i got frustrated at lack of attention, and wanted more. I became less accepting and pushed her away.

 

my business failed and my father developed alzheimers, he has been my best friend.

 

when i got back from putting my dad into a faiclity over christmas i was hurting bad from the finances and the trip. something was up with her but i coulnt see it until later. i asked if she would ever change and give me the support i needed? she said no and left. in the next talks she said what would be different? i told her i had blown it by not committing (she asked me to move in twice) and was takin gout my hard times on her and could have been more accepting.

 

she tells me that her reasons for her concerns about not continuing are my smoking, lack of financial stability, and not being more willing to do things.

 

ok so to bring you up to date: i subsequently proposed to her telling her i wanted her in my life, that the changes were happening. i told her i do not need an answer to marriage right now but i do need to know if she wants to have any relationship at all, and soon. i do want to marry her, its not a ploy. I dont think she sees that way either. we had talked long haul before and i felt she should know before it was too late. shes says "i still need the two months." grrrr.

 

(oh she was very happy with the proposal, she got misty and smiled like the cheshire cat, but then her head kicked in and she said she has to decide still)

 

she begins calling again we start hanging out. platonic dates, i am tense but have a good time, make jokes and she has a good time too.

 

then i go to her house to talk about the proposal and saying i dont need an answer on it now. the flowers i got her the day after i propose and my short letter saying i need another chance to prove your love for me was right" is on her table in the vase i gave her last year for vday. ok thats a good sign.

 

as we get ready to go for a walk, her mom calls, she mutes the phone so her mom doesnt know i am there. and as we go out the door she says wait you have some stuff here. and hands me books etc. to take. ok ouch.

 

when we talk she says she is still deciding and that she says the changes i have made may go away if things were back to normal. (got the job, quitting smoking now, going out more). she says she is trying to imagine things in the future and see how they feel. i tell her if these things are not feelings based but how we work together lets solve them together. she says the feelings and "things" are intertwined and i cant help. Hmmm. ok.

 

so we go back to her house and have dinner, we joke around. she wants to go see a movie today with me. we were going to go to costco after dinner to get me the patch, but i realise i am feeling like a ghost walking around her house and tell her i should get going. so i leave, we hug, she then comes outside to say she had a nice time and was good to see me.

 

ok, whats going is that she has said she doesnt want to get my hopes up, that during this deciding period we have to be friends. well im kind of tired of it.

 

she is a person who is emotionally lazy. she is literally processing everything at half speed and has given herself a deadline to done. yes frustrating considering i hooked my future into that process.

 

I am not optimistic and was ready to send a heartfelt letter of "i understand you need time, but to wait i need to know that you want to pursue a relationship on some level or i have to move on."

 

I go on to say that has she considered a middle ground, that it doesnt have to be all or nothing. that i have laid my heart out and thats ok if i know there is something to work for.

 

well i didnt send it. i was ready to but a friend said, well if you want to end it do it. i said she doesnt have the expereience to consider options here. he said she asked for two months, give her two months (two weeks till over). sheesh.

 

ok so now i am thinking of sending the letter with less ultimatum in it. But i need to know she is willing to meet me on this at some level or i have to move on. left to just her, i think she will waffle all the way through this, not consider options and well stay confused and hurt us both.

 

my letter says prettty much that we have three years together, clearly love each other still and that its worth a compromise. that the loss that is coming is worth trying a six month move in to see if we can do it together.

 

so here I am stuck with the following options:

 

1. do nothing and hang out still showing her i can be the guy she fell in love with originally.

 

2. push a little with the letter to say consider options and the implication that she wont have me as a friend until enough time has passed that i can truly be one.

 

3. do nothing and be unavailable creating some tension and preview of my abscense while she decides (this with or without letter)

 

4. break it off on my terms saying i need an answer now, that i understand. but the ambiguity is too unhealthy for me, and that if she will consider options i will wait. to consider living together for six months to see if the changes are real. but that if she cannot meet me at all, if she must be completely cut off then i have to intepret that as no.

 

HELP!!!

[majord23]

What I would do rich, and this isn't actually advice that I am giving you...but just what *I* would do...

 

I would do the thing that she leasts expects....and end it.

 

I would tell her that I have laid my cards on the table, have talked about marriage and yet she is still unsure and is treating this 'deciding period' as the be all and end all. As if on the day that 2 months passes *BOOM* - everything will become clear to her....gimme a break!

 

I would say that I don't want to be with anyone who isn't sure about me, that I want someone who is going to appreciate the love I have to offer...and who will jump at the chance to be with me and will not have to wait and decide.

 

This action will have 2 effects - 1 real, and 1 potential.

 

Real: You will regain some of your pride, and feel as though you have taken back control of your feelings and your life.

 

Potential: She may just get a big shock, and it might wake her up a little as to how she really feels about you.

 

Like I say mate - this isn't advice, because I can't guarantee how it will turn out if you do it - but it is *definitely* what I would do.

 

Good luck

[Teal]

hey rich, i remember posting to you b4....hope that things are getting better! just hang in there, i know it's tough, but things will get better. be strong!