daintyfairy83 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Hello, I am an extremely insecure person. Insecure, pessimistic, and negative. My parents are separated. My dad has cheated on my mom numerous times and he's now in a stable relationship with another woman. My mom had another bf at one point. My uncle has also cheated on his wife, and my other aunt is divorced because of infidelity. I have grown up with infidels. I have also noticed recently that almost all couples on tv / in a tv series are either divorced or separated. It seems like the norm nowadays is to marry guys who already have kids. I have lost all faith in relationships. The more I trust that relationships never last, that my bf will end up finding another more worthy girl, the more I tighten my grip on him, and the less happy he is (and we are). But I just can't bring myself into trusting him. I always feel so edgy when he tells me he has met a new girl at work or through friends. I feel so threatened. I'm in an emotional wreck because I know all too well that I am digging my own grave, but I just can't stop being insecure. I used to see a shrink about my problems, but I do not have one in the vicinity of my place. The questions are, how can I become more secure and trusting? Thanks for reading my post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellandroader Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 My last girlfriend encountered the same obstacles that you have (she was pessimistic about us, even had problems trusting me etc etc and she had a very tough past). Without delving too deep, she began to push me away and treat me as if I had already done her wrong. Trust me it hurt like hell as I would have walked the world twice over for her. If you have a guy willing to do that for you, you HAVE to trust him. Take any form of help you can find. New hobbies to rebuild your confidence and focus, self help books and are there no therapists in your area at all? Try link removed for help and potential doctors. I do think you know what the issues are which is already a good step forward. But becoming more secure and trusting will only happen when you take a leap of faith or fix the problems yourself, a guy cannot do that for you and it will not just go away either. I wish you the best. I will offer advice to you more if you want it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleladyluck Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Yeah I've been really burned in the past, and it sucks. I too find it hard to trust guys and get into a relationships. If he hasn't shown you any reason not to trust him, then trust him. When he treats you right.. you'll know it. Don't settle for less either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sosilver Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Hi Have you talked to him about your feelings? It can help because he will know what you are going through and instead of feeling threatened by his actions, his words of support may help you overcome your insecurities. You will have to make an effort to not think this way about him, especially if he hasnt done anything to make you worry... Your comment "my bf will end up finding another more worthy girl", makes me worry because you have to realize that he is with you for a reason, because he believes you are worthy for him...dont let your insecurities shadow this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephenP Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Nothing can really cure your insecurity overnight, especially since it took years to develop. However, in addition to what others have said, I'll offer the following ideas for you to consider. 1. When a man has met someone he thinks is better than you, he does one or more of the following: He leaves you for her He cheats on you with her; just in case she isn't what he thought, he still has you for now. He ignores those feelings and stays with you out of fear of change/rejection, always wondering what could've been and possibly feeling resentful. 2. If you tighten your grip on a man and show him that you're uncomfortable when he meets or becomes friends with another girl, he does one or more of the following: He leaves you He cheats on you He puts up with it out of fear of change/rejection from someone else Tries to help you change, and if you don't within a reasonable amount of time, he does one of the above. 3. If you don't trust a man, whether you show it or not, he does one of the following: He cheats on you He doesn't cheat on you 4. If you show a man you trust him, give him the space he needs, and do your part (and only your part) to sustain the relationship, he does one or more of the following: He cheats on you He leaves you He meets someone he thinks is better, and does one of the following - He leaves you for her - He cheats on you with her; just in case she isn't what he thought, he still has you for now. - He ignores those feelings and stays with you out of fear of change/rejection, always wondering what could've been and possibly feeling resentful. Out of no fault of your own, he's just not in love, and he does one or more of the following: - He cheats on you - He leaves you - He settles for you anyway due to low self-esteem He puts forth equal effort in the relationship, and you are both happy in a healthy companionship, and he does one or more of the following: - He cheats on you - He leaves you - He stays with you Notice your options. Notice the results that each option has in common. Notice the one they don't have in common. Notice how only one option actually has a chance to result in a healthy relationship. Notice how even if you choose that option, the the result that occurs under that option is out of your control. Questions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daintyfairy83 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 oh wow... that was really insightful!! Thank you sooo much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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