Winning him back? PLEASE ADVISE!

[stolen heart]

Hi y'all...

I'm brand spankin new to this forum and the broken hearted community. i posted earlier and nobody but lonely heart replied i was disappointed and yet figured i'd give you all another swing and see if anyone swings back this last time... sorry its so long!

 

i have been reading your guys' posts (especially Beec and nello and raggamuffin) saying someone needs to have a strategy for winning their ex back... seduce them...

 

i desperately want to see if there is any possible shred of chance my ex could come back to me... he wants to be pals and i'm uncertain @ this point... i do know that he broke up with me because he said that the fire he had originally fizzled out and he wasn't romantically interested in me anymore.

 

frankly, because of his words of love and actions just a few days before the breakup, i wonder if maybe that loss of romantic interest is not necessarily what he thinks it is but a part of the big confused ocean he's dealing with right now...

 

lemme give you a bit of history - he had a 2 year relationship with a girl, Maggie, in high school/first year of college which ended when she cheated on him w/ another guy. he desperately wanted her back but she refused and now that he moved on (which he claims he has - ardently so) she is trying to get him back [the no contact worked for him but when he'd figured out he didn't want her] but he's pissed and calls her games childish... he started dating a friend (kellie) of his best friend immediately after the break-up (maybe a month later). a month after they started dating, he and i met at work (we do retail together - yet in different departments). he told me that he had a girlfriend (kellie) so i basically had no notion of winning the guy at the time. i just remained my normal bubbly, happy self. however, he often came to my department (i work in "home") and had miscellaneous things to return (which later he said he had picked up on his way downstairs to me so he'd have an excuse to see me). when he'd come to the dept, he'd always try to linger and talk. i was confused since he said he had a girlfriend. one night he told me they broke up and i thought little of it. two days later he asked me out to "chill" suggesting we grab a cup of coffee. i had a date that night so i couldn't and we ended up going to dinner the next night. we started dating after that for about 2 weeks. he said he wanted to take things slowly. i finally asked him if there was any sort of commitment or chance for us after those 2 weeks because a couple other guys had been asking me out. he drove me home and said he wanted to be my boyfriend. i worried that i had pressured him into it and he said that i had just opened his eyes because he didn't want to lose me and needed the *wake-up call*.

 

so we became official around thanksgiving time & things were GREAT acc. to both of us for the first 2 months. we had very few arguments or disputes. the only major thing was that i heard rumors he was interested in another girl who worked with us (in his same dept) and i got jealous I later did apologize... Anywayz, towards the beginning of February, Nick (my ex) broke up with me. It seemed so out of the clear blue for me especially since he'd been so affectionate and loving the night before we discussed breaking up. as for the breakup ... it was different... nick and i on monday went to his sister's soccer game and when he dropped me off i asked if he thought this relationship would last longterm. somehow we got to talking about breaking up and he said he didn't want to breakup with me and would work his damnest to make it work. u see, we have different faiths which has always been a nagging thing for me. we have talked about it before and he said ea. time (near to tears) that he didn't want to lose me and wanted to try to make it work. so, monday ends and we're still together. wednesday we see ea. other at work and all is ok. thursday we don't see ea. other and around 11 he asks to come over. he comes over and we talk and kiss and laugh. he pulls away and says it just isn't going to work. he doesn't want to be unfair to me. his feelings for me are just not what they used to be and he'd be lying to himself and me if he stayed in the relationship. he said he never told me about his dwindling affection (romantically) because he wanted to work on it himself. the truth of the matter is that he is confused and doesn't even know what he wants in a relationship or gfriend. he even said he's not sure he wants to have a relationship. we both cry and he ends up spending the night - falling asleep hugging me.

 

ok, so we see ea. other occasionally and i end up leaving the job and moving (which was planned before the breakup) to a city about an hour away. we even spent 2 hours on the phone from 1am -3am because he called. it ended up being longer than i had wanted and what really annoyed me was that when i mentioned someone from work (that girl i had used to think he liked) he thought i also used the word "flirt" in reference to him. that got him firy red and he started to try and defend himself. the thing is i swear on my mother's grave that i never brought that word up... so why is he so defensive? and why was the last conversation we had on the phone so long? - because he felt like defending himself and his confusions although i never mentioned the break-up or relationship...

 

he wants to be friends and so i agree. yet, now i realize how much i want him back... i want to see if there is any possible hope for us again... i know i can't change someone who has no desire whatsoever. but i can tilt the odds in my favor, ja? i can try to "seduce" Nick, right?

 

so if anyone PLEASE has any suggestions or stories or advice or thoughts I'd LOVE to hear... also, how does one do the whole "emotionally off and on" thing? thanks again and sorry its so long!

[melrich]

I am sorry to sound so brutal but the best advice I think I can give is to tell you to move on. Let him sort himself out. You are young and will fall in love again. (soon I am sure)

[emma]

Hi,

 

I'm a bit confused. So you gyus broke up very recently? If it's the case, and if you feel the reason is that he is not seduced by you anymore, and if you want to get him back attracted to you, you have to start by not contacting him for a while. Then you can think of some kind of 'strategy'. But for now you should just work on your self-esteem and 'attractiveness potential'. From what I understand with my own experience and discussing with my guy-friends, what is the most attractive in a girl is her potential to be independent and aloof.

 

Hope this helps a little bit.

[emma]

Also, it's been a short relationship from what I understood, so you also have to wonder if it's worth pursuing something with somebody who seems to be very confused and acting pretty unstable with girls, especially since his break-up with this girl he stayed with for 2 years. He might just be in a cycle of rebound relationships. If it's the case, believe me, the last thing you want for yourself is to be a 'rebound girl'.

[Out to sea]

Am it appears that this guy doesn't know what he wants right now, he is young too? and is still confused and hurt over his x who cheated on him. My advice is, whether you do get back together or not, is that you need time away from him to heal yourself and take a long hard look at this relationship, I thing in time you will not want to get him back cause of his confusion. If he contacts you in the next few months I would believe little of what he says as it's probably going to be babble coming from his confusion and/or loneliness.

Give both of you guys a few month's and see what you're both feeling then.

Hope this helps even though it's never easy to do.

[stolen heart]

well he's with girl #3 (as far as i know) since his breakup with his 2 year ex in September... i supposedly was girl #2 and now i hear he's with some new chick [read my message in "ex boyfriend/ex girlfriend relationships"] its heartwrenching because we had a very strong emotional/physical bond together... at least on my part and from what he said... haha... he said so many things and now i'm just not sure what is truth of it and what's lies... so anywayz, if any of you have any advice on getting the guy back (despite the fact that he's seeing a girl - not offical yet) i'd appreciate it... i know you must think i'm crazy to want a guy back who is seemingly on a rebound cycle... yet, i do want him back and i can only say its because we shared a very special emotional/deep bond which i can't explain...

 

so guyz and gals, if you'll read my longer posts in the other folder and offer any suggestions/thoughts I'd greatly appreciate it... thanks...