shes shut off emotionally its driving me nuts

[rich_1517]

i am trying to rekindle a relationship. seven weeks since break up. she left saying she needed time. she is not pursuing anyone.

 

after obsessing, hurting, etc. We begain to talk, she would make contact but of no substance.

 

during this time i changed quite a bit about myself, steady job after failed business. willing to commit, realised values were old. want the family.

 

so i realised that i want to marry this girl. and proposed, it wasnt needy or desperate, just that i had changed and i also talked about what i was willing to do differently to make us work.

 

so she is still deciding. but says things like my committing weigh in as factors. she is deciding what the flavor of her love is, meaning as i understand it now, she loves me but has doubts, fears.

 

what i am dealing with is someone who avoids feelings, being a "feeler" means this makes me want to pursue, so other than proposing i havent called, sent flowers (until after proposal) i am giving her the space she needs to decide. with some mistakes of boundaries along the way, she would call too much or send mixed signals.

 

so this is very hard, she is so emotionally removed i couldnt tell you a thing about what she is thinking. I looked up our pattern and its a mild case of love addict/avoidant. meaning i love being in love, she expects me to provide the intimicay but is terrified of being too intimate.

 

what have i done to myself? i love her very much, and could see us together for life. but how do i handle this period of waiting for her to decide while she is so cold?

 

I have suggested platonic dates to hang out and rekindle. she said are you sure you would be ok with that? i said i think so but i would prefer it be a date. she said it has to be platonic while she decides. ARRGGHH!

 

I could really use advice here, I know that i must be confident and not needy, but i also think i need to keep sending the love interest message to support my proposal. yes it was necessary she needed to know i had changed my values and was willing to commit.

 

So how do i proceed to pursue and respect space with someone who is very "unemotional"? i have sent a memories email, dropped off flowers. and havent done anything for three days (five since proposing)

 

Thanks in advance for your advice

[Mar]

The biggest thing I can say is DON'T PRESSURE HER!!! You're pushing-subtley, but you're still pushing. And if you push, even in (in your mind, and possibly in hers as well, while she's still undecided) she may make a choice she wasn't ready to/didn't really want to, and end up divorcing you later on.

 

Let things stand. Let her know that you love her, want to be with her, but then leave it alone already. She can't make a rational decision so soon after a breakup (have those problems been resolved, by the way? You're still both the same people...) with you frequently urging her to your own wants. I know it sounds rather cruel of me, but I'm giving it to you from what could be her perspective. Let her come to you and say she's decided she can trust you and wants to be with you. And I would NOT leap right into marriage, if you've just gotten past this breakup! Give it more time and make sure it's what she really really wants first!

 

Mar