the saga of rich_1517 - need pursuit advice

[rich_1517]

i thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

 

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

 

Section One

 

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

 

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

 

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

 

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

 

Section Two

 

Havent quit smoking yet, got a good job. cleaning up financial history.

 

well i proposed to her yesterday. kept it simple, coffee shop, the words were more important than the setting. and normal was important because we are separated so fancy and inimtate were out. The words were, why my part caused the break up, what has changed, how i feel and want, what i am willing to do.

 

she was floored, when she was in her heart her face lit up and she was misty, she almost stopped me from the actual kneeling proposal and i was terrified, she said no its just theres so many people around, i laughed and did it anyway. she fell into me.

 

so then her head kicks in and she says i cant decide right now. I said i wasnt expecting an answer right now, its kind of a big decision.

 

the fact is i had not been committing and i knew she was hurt over and over about that. So i have put on the table that i am committing and willing to make the changes that are needed to support a marriage and family.

 

she said she is still deciding about what kind of love she has for me "friend or more" this is coming from a girl who cant go to the movies right now. I didnt say i cant either, (I dont like missing her that much, i imagine that she doesnt either.) hopefully she will find the right friend who will tell her "in love" comes and goes, but love is always there. obviously she feel out of love. thats hard but i am trying to "wake" that up.

 

So i am pursuing, giving the romance that wasnt there for a long time, not demanding an answer, flowers and notes that say basically "i need the second chance to prove you were right to love me" no intentional direct contact.

 

well thats not working, again i am trying to drop off flowers at her office and we run into each other. end up talking, which is good because its make normal start to come into the picture.

 

So i told her that i am pursuing her, that i want the second chance to prove she was right to love me. she didnt stop me or ask me not to pursue. this is a good thing, again she said she hasnt decided, again i say i wasnt asking her to now. but at some point i will put a limit on the deal. it shows i respect myself enough not to swing in the breeze for ever and that these changes plus what i already have to offer make me marriage material (i wont say that its implied)

 

SO - i need romantic suggestions in the form of letters, cute but not pushy things to do (ALL STEALtH) she has to decide when and where to hang out. which happened today because i sent her the "memories" email: a list of the things we have done over the years, she went to meet me where she would knew i would be but i was late getting flowers for her.

 

so any ideas of how to win her back in the form of letters, flower, and other are very welcome. boundary stuff as well, but not at this point second guessing or why i have to do no contact anymore.

 

What i am learning

 

No contact is for myself in the early stages of hurt, obession and loss. rebuild myself before taking action.

 

if they broke it off they have the time table which could be never or next week, but better to let go anyway and see "if" they contact.

 

it is ok to make boundaries of no contact for your self if they are calling, coming, over but have nothing to say or are trying to become friends. its better if you can avoid contact without telling them you need space becuse it shows you are hurt. Lets face it it does hurt but it does nothing more than make them feel guilty, which wont help.

[The Morrigan]

I would have to say this is where your knowledge of her can stand you in good stead.

 

You know some of her likes and dislikes, what she sees as attractive in the flirting and dating scheme of things. What would surprise her and make her think - and what would come over as "typical." Being surprised, pleasantly, is one of the things that leads to anticipation and attraction. Mix things up a little, throw in fun curveballs to keep things exciting and fresh - so she sees maybe she doesn't know everything about you just yet. If you want to send flowers - try a new twist on an old theme, if she'd expect roses, think about either a flower that reminds you of her, and send that with a nice note saying why (example, bright daisies with a note "you always bring a smile to my day, I hope these bright and cheerful daisies bring one to yours since they reminded me of you"), or even something like a flowering bonsai with a note or a poem about admiring the person she has become. Think creative, and don't flood her - allow enough time for things to stand out and make the little "fun" things dominate, little flirty surprises. I know it doesn't sound as romantic - but too steady a diet of romance kills attraction, there's not as much room for flirty play.