thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 How do you really let go of anger or past hurt. I decided to get back with my ex boyfriend, but I still can't let go of anger and hurt I have behind what he did. I know this will eventually ruin our relationship for good. He is really trying to make this work with me, I can see that, but still I let things go. Any suggestions are appreciated.... Link to comment
DN Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Here's one way that can help: write down in your next post what you love about him and why you want to be with him. Then I'll suggest what to do next. Link to comment
chasey Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Here's one way that can help: write down in your next post what you love about him and why you want to be with him. Then I'll suggest what to do next. Great idea DN... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 do you feel like you have no other options? i have no idea why girls get back with guys that treat them like crap. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 do you feel like you have no other options? i have no idea why girls get back with guys that treat them like crap. He didn't treat me like crap. What happened was we broke up and while in another relationsip he got the girl pregnant. They broke up while she was pregnant and we got back together, it just really hurts a lot and I'm angry about it. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 He didn't treat me like crap. What happened was we broke up and while in another relationsip he got the girl pregnant. They broke up while she was pregnant and we got back together, it just really hurts a lot and I'm angry about it. Was he cheating on her when you got back with him? Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Was he cheating on her when you got back with him? No, he broke with her. Really it was a rebound relationship. He got into it about a month after we broke up.. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 wow. he sounds magical. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 1. He loves me 2. Makes me laugh 3. Ambitious 4. Good in Bed 5. Great Father (We don't have any kids together, but we both have from previous relationship) 6. Good Provider 7. Loyal 8. Compassionate 9. Genuine 10. Big Personality 11. Loving Heart 12. Fun to be around( we always have a great time when we go out) 13. Great Dresser 14. Generous 15. Understanding 16. Patient 17. Honest Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Here's one way that can help: write down in your next post what you love about him and why you want to be with him. Then I'll suggest what to do next. I posted my list DN. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 wow. he sounds magical. People make mistakes, you really shouldn't judge. That is not the purpose of my post. Link to comment
DN Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 1. He loves me 2. Makes me laugh 3. Ambitious 4. Good in Bed 5. Great Father (We don't have any kids together, but we both have from previous relationship) 6. Good Provider 7. Loyal 8. Compassionate 9. Genuine 10. Big Personality 11. Loving Heart 12. Fun to be around( we always have a great time when we go out) 13. Great Dresser 14. Generous 15. Understanding 16. Patient 17. HonestGreat - now print it out and keep it by you. Every time you feel that anger coming on and those negative thoughts get into your head - read over this list and think about why you chose all those qualities to list and realise that is why you love him. In other words - displace the negative by concentrating on the positive. Make this an absolute rule when you feel angry towards him because of the past - do it every, single time. This positive reinforcement will soon become a habit and an auto-response. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 People make mistakes, you really shouldn't judge. That is not the purpose of my post. not judgment....just my opinion. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Great - now print it out and keep it by you. Every time you feel that anger coming on and those negative thoughts get into your head - read over this list and think about why you chose all those qualities to list and realise that is why you love him. In other words - displace the negative by concentrating on the positive. Make this an absolute rule when you feel angry towards him because of the past - do it every, single time. This positive reinforcement will soon become a habit and an auto-response. This sounds like a good idea I just hope I can do it. I know that he is trying and he feels bad for what has happened, but I also know that they way I am acting is going to eventually push him away. Right now he is being patient because he knows he has hurt me, but I know he wonders how long am I going to make pay for this. It's weird I don't do it on purpose. I will be fine and then something will happen like I see a newborn baby or something crazy like that, and it triggers all these feelings. Link to comment
DN Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 It will take practice, don't give up because it doesn't work all at once. Here is another tip for controlling strong emotions like unwanted anger, fear etc: Breathing Exercise: Breathe in for a count of four Hold your breath for a count of four Breathe out for a count of four Hold for a count of four and repeat as necessary As you get used to the exercise the count of four can be slower. This exercise regulates the heartbeat and thereforee the amount of oxygen to the brain, which helps to relieve stress and relax tense muscles. Link to comment
chasey Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 This sounds like a good idea I just hope I can do it. I know that he is trying and he feels bad for what has happened, but I also know that they way I am acting is going to eventually push him away. Right now he is being patient because he knows he has hurt me, but I know he wonders how long am I going to make pay for this. It's weird I don't do it on purpose. I will be fine and then something will happen like I see a newborn baby or something crazy like that, and it triggers all these feelings. You can do it. It will take time and practice, but by doing exactly what DN has said in time those feelings and thoughts will be fewer and farther between. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Great - now print it out and keep it by you. Every time you feel that anger coming on and those negative thoughts get into your head - read over this list and think about why you chose all those qualities to list and realise that is why you love him. In other words - displace the negative by concentrating on the positive. Make this an absolute rule when you feel angry towards him because of the past - do it every, single time. This positive reinforcement will soon become a habit and an auto-response. OK DN, this is absolutely BRILLIANT advice for this lady! and also for me, in fact, I've already done it, it helps immensly. We need to stop our brain or our learned behaviour from coming into play when we feel it entering our heads and re-read it to remind ourselves that we are basically imagining this rubbish. BRILLIANT. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 thouse, I too had a boyfriend once, about two years ago, who had an ex-girlfriend who was carrying his baby while we were together. Its horrible, its very hard. Its like an extreme form of jealousy that your man has this strong link/bond with this woman possibly forever because of the this baby that is due. However, your boyf sounds a lot nicer than mine was, plus mine used to get entwined in arguments on the phone with her in front of me, which was very upsetting, as I just thought he must still have some feelings for her, but he was quite awful to her really. She still really liked him and he treated her badly and used to play games with her. When the baby was born, that was a really bad day for me, it felt very weird. Then he wasn't allowed to see the baby anyway for quite a while, but we broke up shortly after. If he was only with this girl for a month, then its likely that he probably didnt get a chance to conjurer up much feelings for her. Is he going to help out with the baby and be part of its life? If so, it could be an idea for you to actually meet her Link to comment
thouse Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 He is very reassuring that it is me that he wants to be with, but that I need to come to the point of accepting his child. The baby is almost a year or will be in two months, and he doesn't bring him around me because of the way I react to stuff. I need to either get this under control, or move on. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 It will take practice, don't give up because it doesn't work all at once. Here is another tip for controlling strong emotions like unwanted anger, fear etc: Breathing Exercise: Breathe in for a count of four Hold your breath for a count of four Breathe out for a count of four Hold for a count of four and repeat as necessary As you get used to the exercise the count of four can be slower. This exercise regulates the heartbeat and thereforee the amount of oxygen to the brain, which helps to relieve stress and relax tense muscles. DN ok I will give this a try because I do want to make an effort to better the relationship. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Oh so the child is actually almost a year old now. So I gather that he sees the child regularly. You need to meet this child and get over it that way maybe. It's really hard though, I'm not dismissing that, but maybe the problem is manifesting itself in your head. Maybe it would be a good idea to meet his child, it is but a child after all and maybe if you just realise that its only a child, you will warm to the idea. Just remember that seeing him be loving to his child does not mean that he feels loving to it's mother, especially if he is with you. You might even grow to love this child, its not the child's fault after all, though I am not suggesting you feel it is in any way. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Oh so the child is actually almost a year old now. So I gather that he sees the child regularly. You need to meet this child and get over it that way maybe. It's really hard though, I'm not dismissing that, but maybe the problem is manifesting itself in your head. Maybe it would be a good idea to meet his child, it is but a child after all and maybe if you just realise that its only a child, you will warm to the idea. Just remember that seeing him be loving to his child does not mean that he feels loving to it's mother, especially if he is with you. You might even grow to love this child, its not the child's fault after all, though I am not suggesting you feel it is in any way. You sound just like him, "He's just a baby, and he didn't ask to be here" I understand that rationally in my head. It's my heart that is having the problem. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I would be the same I think so apologies. I just think that if you face a problem, half of it goes away sometimes. I just think you should meet the child, isnt it worth a go? Link to comment
thouse Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 I would be the same I think so apologies. I just think that if you face a problem, half of it goes away sometimes. I just think you should meet the child, isnt it worth a go? Yes, I love him. I know I am suppose to love this child because it's a part of him. Just feels like a slap in the face.. But you are right I am going to have to face this. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Yeh it's well hard to do! Be brave. But I think that its probably the only way, to come face to face with the problem (aka child), its worth a try! If he includes you and they both make you feel welcome so to speak, it might feel really nice and heart-warming, you may be surprised. Really hope it helps. Face the fear, its not always nearly as scary as you think. Link to comment
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