thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Did you say you would not move in without being married? I said that I did not want to live with anyone I was not married to. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hmm. A little cold and dismissive. That isn't exactly saying that you would want to be married to him. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hmm. A little cold and dismissive. That isn't exactly saying that you would want to be married to him. I was being honest.. We have been together or in some form of relationship for 6 years. The fact that I am even bringing it up as a condition says I want to be married to him doesn't it???? Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I was being honest.. We have been together or in some form of relationship for 6 years. The fact that I am even bringing it up as a condition says I want to be married to him doesn't it????No it does not. Don't make assumptions about what people may or may not be able to interpret. Here's how else it can be interpreted: "She doesn't want to live with me. She only wants to live with someone she's married to. Hmm...does that mean she doesn't want to ever be married to me?" Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 The fact that I am even bringing it up as a condition says I want to be married to him doesn't it???? Not necessarily. It could also mean that you are trying to disengage from the relationship altogether and are using this as an excuse. The problem with texting is that you lose context, tone of voice and body language. And those are really important when communicating with a partner because it is so easy to be misunderstood. Even the words you choose can be misinterpreted and it is vital that you are very clear about what you want. He needs to know, very clearly, that you love him and want to be with him but because of what you need in a relationsip and in a partner that means you have to be married to him in order to live with him. So when you say "I won't live with someone I am not married to" you miss out the part about loving him and wanting to be with him. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Just make 'I' statements when you talk to him... as in 'I want marriage rather than living together, and I don't want to live with someone unless we are married first. Tell him how you feel without saying 'YOU have to do X, or you SHOULD do X.' Just clearly state what you need and see how he responds. So say to him something like 'I don't feel comfortable living with someone I am not married to... and i think marriage is really important. I would like to get married first before moving in together... how do you feel about that?' Then let him explain his point of view. If he says he does want to get married eventually, you can ask him how soon he sees that happening. If he says he doesn't see himself ever getting married or is really nebulous about it, then you can open a discussion about how you feel after 6 years of being together you should either get engaged, or perhaps recognize that you don't have the same goals (marriage) and maybe should not stay together. So be very open about what you want, and let him talk about how he feels. Then you can try to negotiate something you are both happy with. But if you absolultely want to be married, and he doesn't want to get married or will only live with you before even considering it, then maybe you aren't compatible and need to look for a man who does want marriage and is willing to marry without living together first. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Not necessarily. It could also mean that you are trying to disengage from the relationship altogether and are using this as an excuse. The problem with texting is that you lose context, tone of voice and body language. And those are really important when communicating with a partner because it is so easy to be misunderstood. Even the words you choose can be misinterpreted and it is vital that you are very clear about what you want. He needs to know, very clearly, that you love him and want to be with him but because of what you need in a relationsip and in a partner that means you have to be married to him in order to live with him. So when you say "I won't live with someone I am not married to" you miss out the part about loving him and wanting to be with him. Your right DN I understand what you are saying. He came over last night to visit my son for a quick minute, I didn't pressure about having the conversation because he said we would discuss it and I know we will, I will just wait for a time when things aren't so tense. Anyhow he came joking around and said "So you want to marry me", then he said "What if I am not the marrying type" and I said "Well then it would be best for me to find someone who is", then I said "So are you saying you aren't the marrying type" and he said "No, that is not what I am saying." I know this was his way of trying to feel me out in a non serious way. Anyhow he played with my son for a few minutes, and then he said he had to go, he asked me if I loved him, and I told him yes that I did. Then he said we will have a discussion about it, and I said alright. So right now I am looking for a place for me and my son because my lease is up soon, and I have decided not to live with him under the present circumstances.. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 I think "I" statements are very important because it doesn't place blame on him, and doesn't make him responsible for my happiness, it simply states the way that "I" feel, so yes I agree with this statement. Link to comment
DN Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Did he say that he loved you? If he were to ask you to marry him and you became officially engaged with a target date for a wedding - would you be prepared to live with him before the actual wedding? p.s. You have probably said this already but is he the father of your son? Link to comment
Davie Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Ask him to marry you, might not be traditional but to be very honest you can't get more ultimate than that. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Well, he is being very coy about the whole thing which is annoying. If you read this forum, there are lots of instances where people who don't want to marry play this little 'maybe' or 'maybe later' game to stall. I'd just make sure when you do discuss it with him, that you walk away with some concrete goals as to when you will get engaged, married etc. Otherwise he might just try to pacify you for years. But if you stand firm on not living with him first, you have a better chance of finding out what is really on his mind and whether he is serious about marrying or not. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Did he say that he loved you? If he were to ask you to marry him and you became officially engaged with a target date for a wedding - would you be prepared to live with him before the actual wedding? p.s. You have probably said this already but is he the father of your son? Yes he said he loved me too. He is not the father of my son. If we were engaged and had a wedding date, I would be ok moving in. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Ask him to marry you, might not be traditional but to be very honest you can't get more ultimate than that. That is true, but I would be crushed if he said no. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Well, he is being very coy about the whole thing which is annoying. If you read this forum, there are lots of instances where people who don't want to marry play this little 'maybe' or 'maybe later' game to stall. I'd just make sure when you do discuss it with him, that you walk away with some concrete goals as to when you will get engaged, married etc. Otherwise he might just try to pacify you for years. But if you stand firm on not living with him first, you have a better chance of finding out what is really on his mind and whether he is serious about marrying or not. I agree that is why I am moving forward with plans for just me and my son. Honestly if he doesn't want to get married I don't want to be in the relationship anymore, that is why he is feeling me out to gauge my responses. Link to comment
george237 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 That if marriage is not part of his plans, that you don't want to live with them. Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 6 years and we are supposed to be moving in together, I am 29 and he is 34. I feel like by now he should know whether he wants to marry me or not. I also feel like if we don't move in together that I should start dating other people because we are wasting each others time, what I need are suggestions on how to say this without making it sound like an ultimatum!! You: I am not moving in with you until you put a ring on my finger Him: (Thinking: Well I am 34 and didn't want to get married just yet but I don't feel like doing the whole dating thing again so I might as well) How romantic, a forced engagement. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 You: I am not moving in with you until you put a ring on my finger Him: (Thinking: Well I am 34 and didn't want to get married just yet but I don't feel like doing the whole dating thing again so I might as well) How romantic, a forced engagement. Nope disagree. I am not forcing him to do anything. Just telling him what "I" will not do. That is my right. Just as it is his right to say he doesn't want to do get married. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 At 34, after 6 years of being together, if he doesn't want to get married, then he doesn't have to get married and she is entitled to find someone who does. Nobody can force someone else to get engaged. If he doesn't want to get engaged though after 6 years, then he can take the consequences and be dumped. She can hardly be accused of pressuring him to marry her too quickly or too soon after 6 years of dating at age 34! Link to comment
george237 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Nope disagree. I am not forcing him to do anything. Just telling him what "I" will not do. That is my right. Just as it is his right to say he doesn't want to do get married. I can see it as he wants to be with you but doesn't want to get married right now so he puts a ring on your finger just to make you happy. Doesn't sound like a story you want to pass down to your kids. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 When we started dating he was 28 and I was 23, it has been more than enough time. Thing is he knew I'd say a year or two into the relationship if I would be someone he would marry or not. So now it's time to make a decision because if he doesn't want to marry me or get married, I am not going to stay around for his comfort. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 I can see it as he wants to be with you but doesn't want to get married right now so he puts a ring on your finger just to make you happy. Doesn't sound like a story you want to pass down to your kids. He's not even that type, I won't be forcing him into anything, believe me if he doesn't want to get engaged he won't. Link to comment
george237 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 When we started dating he was 28 and I was 23, it has been more than enough time. Thing is he knew I'd say a year or two into the relationship if I would be someone he would marry or not. So now it's time to make a decision because if he doesn't want to marry me or get married, I am not going to stay around for his comfort. Ok well if a ring and a ceremony means more then your 6 year relationship have at it. I just have a different view on marriage. Link to comment
DN Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I don't see it as a forced engagement at all. Nor do I see that anyone has done anything wrong or shady. It may well be that this couple is reading from the same book but aren't on the same page as yet. So all that needs to happen is for one to catch up with the other and the conversation yesterday is part of that process. Hopefully the next conversation will move that process further along. Let's not look at this glass as half empty just yet. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 I don't see it as a forced engagement at all. Nor do I see that anyone has done anything wrong or shady. It may well be that this couple is reading from the same book but aren't on the same page as yet. So all that needs to happen is for one to catch up with the other and the conversation yesterday is part of that process. Hopefully the next conversation will move that process further along. Let's not look at this glass as half empty just yet. The fact that he was open to having the discussion and didn't shut it down from the onset was surprising to me. I assumed that he would not want to discuss it at all. Link to comment
DN Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 The fact that he was open to having the discussion and didn't shut it down from the onset was surprising to me. I assumed that he would not want to discuss it at all. Well, you know what they say about the word 'assume'!! But the key word here is discussion. You didn't issue an ultimatum "marry me or else" but discussed what you want and what you can accept or not accept. Link to comment
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