thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 That if marriage is not part of his plans, that you don't want to live with them. Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 6 years and we are supposed to be moving in together, I am 29 and he is 34. I feel like by now he should know whether he wants to marry me or not. I also feel like if we don't move in together that I should start dating other people because we are wasting each others time, what I need are suggestions on how to say this without making it sound like an ultimatum!! Link to comment
CutmeRed Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person. Not talking about tomorrow, but eventually and you are right everyone doesn't need marriage but I do. That's why we need to have this conversation because if he is one of those people, then he would need to find another person who can live like that. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Why aren't you comfortable enough by now to just flat-out have the talk with him? 6-years is more than enough time together to bring marriage up, not even considering that you are both of age. You have every right to be frustrated. If I were you, I would straight-out ask him if & when he's planning on getting married, & if you're anywhere in those plans. Tell him that you really love him/care about him, but you feel as though he's dragging you along & you don't really see a light at the end of this tunnel. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person. It's not about a piece of paper and a ceremony, please learn a little about marriage before you let that deter you from ever experiencing something like it. Marriage is about the commitment, a lifelong commitment, to stay and be with someone no matter what, and that description is within the vows. Its a test of character and the two persons that they can endure anything and everything ...together. Sadly, it's been destroyed by lazy and selfish people who decided they needed an -out...and it's divorce. That word there gives marriage a bad name... that and pre-nup. Marriage is truly about inviting God into your lives and your marriage to make it holy, not about tax breaks and little pieces of paper that say "we're legal." To the OP, it's up to you... it's your life, if you feel he's wasting it by not being able to make a commitment, you make the choice of either moving on or waiting just hoping he'll come around. There's nothing new anyone else here can tell you about him, you know him better than any of us. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 If you think about it a marriage proposal is a sort of ultimatum - because if the offer is refused the relationship is usually over. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I can see exactly where you're coming from. After six years of being together, if he can't see marriage in the future, I'm not sure if he ever will. I would tell him that you're not comfortable moving in together without a ring on your finger, and the future decided. He'll either "shape up" and realize that he may lose you, or he'll move on. He has to understand that this arrangement is not for you, as your goal is marriage. I have the same values as you do, and would never move in together without knowing what the future holds. Just my opinion. All the best... Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Remember that marriage is not a right in a long-term relationship these days. Almost as many people live together without marriage as are married so it is a choice for people to make for themselves. It really isn't a question of 'shaping up' because that implies he is doing something wrong if he wants to live together without marriage. It isn't wrong to want to be married but these days it isn't wrong to prefer not to. What would be wrong is to mislead someone or pressure them into doing something they don't want to - which is why it is important to express what you want before moving in together. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I can see exactly where you're coming from. After six years of being together, if he can't see marriage in the future, I'm not sure if he ever will. I would tell him that you're not comfortable moving in together without a ring on your finger, and the future decided. He'll either "shape up" and realize that he may lose you, or he'll move on. He has to understand that this arrangement is not for you, as your goal is marriage. I have the same values as you do, and would never move in together without knowing what the future holds. Just my opinion. All the best... I agree I won't be comfortable moving in with him until I know what he wants to do in his future in terms of me. I have a 9 yr old son, and we don't have any kids together, I don't want to uproot him because things are uncertain. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Remember that marriage is not a right in a long-term relationship these days. Almost as many people live together without marriage as are married so it is a choice for people to make for themselves. It really isn't a question of 'shaping up' because that implies he is doing something wrong if he wants to live together without marriage. It isn't wrong to want to be married but these days it isn't wrong to prefer not to. What would be wrong is to mislead someone or pressure them into doing something they don't want to - which is why it is important to express what you want before moving in together. I totally agree if he wants to stay unmarried there is nothing wrong with that, I just can't be in a relationship like that. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I totally agree if he wants to stay unmarried there is nothing wrong with that, I just can't be in a relationship like that. Then you should defintely bring it up and ask him what his views are about marriage and specifically if he sees himself marrying you. Don't move in with him if he says he has no intention of marrying ever. If he says he does see himself marrying you then you would need some sort of timeline as to when that would happen. Don't be reticent about this - it won't serve you and will lead to misunderstandings and hard feelings. Better to talk it over now than fight about it later. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 How about first asking him what he wants? After 6 years, I would imagine that you have some idea of his opinions about marriage. The fact that you're worried about it suggests that you don't think he's very excited about marriage. The problem with presenting this kind of "ultimatum", even if expressed in a non-threatening manner, makes interpretation of the outcome difficult, if not impossible. Let's say you get that marriage proposal. Did he ask because you forced him to make a choice or because he really wanted the marriage? Link to comment
Samedy Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 It seems a lot of people are saying what I am going to say, just straight out ask him. Ask him if he plans to marry you. It's not a conversation you can trick someone into, just be blunt. Let your partner know that it is important to you, and for you it's a deal-breaker if they cannot committ to you in marriage. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 How about first asking him what he wants? After 6 years, I would imagine that you have some idea of his opinions about marriage. The fact that you're worried about it suggests that you don't think he's very excited about marriage. The problem with presenting this kind of "ultimatum", even if expressed in a non-threatening manner, makes interpretation of the outcome difficult, if not impossible. Let's say you get that marriage proposal. Did he ask because you forced him to make a choice or because he really wanted the marriage? He hasn't said anything about getting married. So that makes me wonder how he feels about it, I honestly do not know. I feel that even if he doesn't want to marry me or get married period he should tell me that. He says he loves me, and if he truly does then if he knows he can't or doesn't want to commit to me in that way, he should atleast want me to go and find happiness with someone that does want the same things I do, is that not what love is? Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 He hasn't said anything about getting married. So that makes me wonder how he feels about it, I honestly do not know. I feel that even if he doesn't want to marry me or get married period he should tell me that. He says he loves me, and if he truly does then if he knows he can't or doesn't want to commit to me in that way, he should atleast want me to go and find happiness with someone that does want the same things I do, is that not what love is?I don't agree with that it is up to him to tell you that - that is being very passive. As I said, many people live together without marriage. If you are the one who wants to marry then it is up to you to bring it up - you are the one who wants to alter the relationship as it is now. You should not assume that marriage is the normal thing to do and if he doesn't want to then he should say so. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I don't agree with that it is up to him to tell you that - that is being very passive. As I said, many people live together without marriage. If you are the one who wants to marry then it is up to you to bring it up - you are the one who wants to alter the relationship as it is now. You should not assume that marriage is the normal thing to do and if he doesn't want to then he should say so. Maybe I worded it wrong, what I meant was that after I ask him, he should be completely honest, and not try to B.S. me because you don't want me to leave the relationship. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Why do you have to move in with him? Lots of women who have really wanted marriage and thought moving in would be a first step in that direction were cruelly disappointed when they found at after years of living with the guy that marriage was not going to be in the cards after all....and in some cases the guy assured them prior to moving in that marriage would indeed be in the cards. As for moving in only if there is an engagement ring as a promise to marry...well, lots of women have gotten engagement rings but never made it down the aisle. If you want marriage then talk to him about marriage. There is no law that says you HAVE to move in with him. I would not live with a guy if I was not married to him...I would not settle for even the promise of marriage...I would want the official legal documentation that I am married before living with a guy. It is not about blackmail to force the marriage issue, it is about what I want for myself...if I am to share space with a man it will be in the confines of a committed legal marriage. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I don't have to move in with him, he just asked me too, but you are right that even a promise of marriage doesn't mean much, I don't want to live with him unless we are married. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I don't have to move in with him, he just asked me too, but you are right that even a promise of marriage doesn't mean much, I don't want to live with him unless we are married. Just out of curiosity, may I ask why? Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Just out of curiosity, may I ask why? Because when I move in with someone I want it to be because of a marriage, a true committment, not to be just living together. I understand neither arrangement guarantees anything, but that is just what I want, and what I would feel comfortable with. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Because when I move in with someone I want it to be because of a marriage, a true committment, not to be just living together. I understand neither arrangement guarantees anything, but that is just what I want, and what I would feel comfortable with.If that is your preference that is fine and your right. But you really should tell him that so that he knows. Don't assume that he knows what you want - after all, you don't know what he wants. Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 If that is your preference that is fine and your right. But you really should tell him that so that he knows. Don't assume that he knows what you want - after all, you don't know what he wants. He called me at work today, and I told him some of it, but that I really couldn't talk. He then told me to send him a text becaise he wanted to know why I didn't want to live with him and explain it to him. So I sent him a long text explaining things and he hasn't responded, I am sure we will discuss later as this is something that we really need to talk abot face to face. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Yes, for sure face to face. Definitely not something to discuss by text!! And whatever you do - keep calm. Don't be accusatory in any way. There are no wrongs and rights here. Just the potential for agreement or disagreement. I sometimes wonder if we are going to get to a point where people exchange wedding vows by texting their responses! Link to comment
thouse Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Yes, for sure face to face. Definitely not something to discuss by text!! And whatever you do - keep calm. Don't be accusatory in any way. There are no wrongs and rights here. Just the potential for agreement or disagreement. I sometimes wonder if we are going to get to a point where people exchange wedding vows by texting their responses! I know I kept telling him that I we can just wait and talk face to face, but he said to just please outline what I wanted to talk about, so I went ahead and told him. Link to comment
DN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Did you say you would not move in without being married? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.