Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Actually, she did think about it in a rational way..he said she would try it out but not commit to it. I think it is unreasonable to expect her to pick up and move her life just for him. He is offering her the opportunity of sharing it with him... o goody...if she really wanted to move to New Zealand she wouldn't have to wait for his offer, she could do it on her own. He is not offering her anything..he is certainly not offering her marriage and security. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 This would indeed be a permanent thing...she would have to give everything up to move. It is not so trivial to move and then move back again if things aren't working out. If it isn't a forever thing and she wants to move back then the relationship is toast anyway because he is planning on this being a forever move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Speaking of marriage and kids in the future is not the same as marriage and kids now. Lots of couples speak about marriage and children but it never actually happens. There is more security for her if they get married FIRST and only then move down as a legal couple. He could go down and try it out for a year while they continue the relationship long distance...because if it is supposed to be no big deal for her to have her family and friends and close ties long distance then it should be no big deal to have a relationship long distance until they can see if their relationship is strong enough to survive. He can get himself sorted there, she can have more time to get used to the idea of moving, they can both see if he settles in well and likes it, he can scout out opportunities for her so that when she does come down it is a smoother transition for her. If he expects her to pick up and move her life for his dream then he should put in the work to make sure that she is comfortable and to show that he truly is considering her needs once he is down there. In other words, the onus should be on him to prove that he will indeed be by her side if she is to go down there. Being physically separated for a year while he gets himself sorted down there will be a true test to their commitment to each other. If it doesn't survive the year then it would probably have not have even if she moved down there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm not saying it is'nt a big deal to have family far away, it is, I miss them alot but I'm an adult and I'm sure her family would feel awful if they thought they were holding her back from an opportunity too. I think an LDR would be hard, but yeah that would be a good idea. But I think if she thinks he should give up his dream to stay with her, she should put some work in too. To the OP, did she actually say she did'nt want you to go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 No, its not that he shouldn't go if she doesn't want to, but he has to fully understand that if he does go, it could mean that she won't. If he loves her so much to want to do this partly to provide a stable future for her, than he needs to not forget the "her" in the "stable future for her" and either propose or make a comrpomise and go somewhere that is good both. If he wants to go to new zealand hell or high water, then he should just go and it is up to her to do what she wants. But I am curious if it were reversed...and she wanted to go to another country and not one he always wanted to go to...would he go because he loved her or would he say "no way, see you later." If the answer is that, than he can't blame her if she doesn't want to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Call me the devil's advocate but here's my point. I did move because of my spouse and I lived to regret it and still do. Now I'm with someone new and I have a job offer to move far away. He won't move because he has a really good job that he loves and I wouldn't expect him too. It's a fairly new relationship so we don't have the emotional bond there yet but I wouldn't and am not asking him to move for me. I gave a lot of myself up for my ex by doing things his way and in the end. although it took years, I lived to regret those decisions. I want to do what's right for me nowadays. If moving is causing problems in your relationship the move might not be a good idea as regret may settle in later on her part. What part of it do you regret? What caused you to regret your decision? Was the relationship a regret and would it have been different had you guys not moved abroad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm not saying it is'nt a big deal to have family far away, it is, I miss them alot but I'm an adult and I'm sure her family would feel awful if they thought they were holding her back from an opportunity too. I think an LDR would be hard, but yeah that would be a good idea. But I think if she thinks he should give up his dream to stay with her, she should put some work in too. To the OP, did she actually say she did'nt want you to go? From what I understood its not that she didnt want to go but that she didnt want to leave her family. These are two different things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yeah, I was just curious as to whether she has told him that she doesn't want him to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Hey everyone..... Wow.... thanks for all the responses..... the funny thing is reading through all this, is that it reflects all the conflicts whizzing around in my mind all day and night!! So that kind of confirms that this is one difficult decision. My situation is - I could not leave work for 3 months to trial NZ out - if I leave for 3 months I have in effect resigned! The role that I have been approached for, would essentially mean sponsorship for permanent residency - so both me and my partner would be offered the benefits for health, education etc. Should my g/f want to move to another country, and she was going to be the main bread winner, and it was a ambition of hers, then sure I would. An example only a few months ago - she considered a job the other end of the country - I said fine, BUT you do realise we will effectively have a third of our current income! As there is no industry that I am in around that area. She seemed rather concerned about that! It has been my ambition to move to NZ when getting to the stage of settling down and family - for all the benefits described throughout this thread. There is no way anyone can argue that NZ does not offer a better environment to bring up a family! I don't want to lose her, but equally I worry about a future here, and quite frankly it depresses me. It may be okay for my g/f to say I don't want to go, but fundamentally if there are real job options for her there, a better standard of living, and lets face it when she has a baby she also wants to stay at home - I kind of feel she is being unreasonable to at least not give it a go. I will be the one at work if we have a family, bringing in the money, so why should I not want the best for my family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 She has told me she doesn't want me to go.... She has told me she wants to marry me, wants kids with me.... and asks when we can get married..... She has said she would be happy with 4 hours flight but not 24 hours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Are her family reliant on her in some way? or are they just close? what would you be giving up by going there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I am getting the sense that this NZ dream was yours long before she entered the picture...that no matter who you were with this is what you ultimately planned on doing. Sometimes dreams have to be modified to reflect new realities. Not all dreams are meant to be fulfilled exactly as planned. That is part of life...not getting everything we want and how we planned it, but rolling with the changes in our circumstances and modifying our dreams. It sounds like you are holding the "I will be the breadwinner thereforee what I say goes" card...not a very good sign. In fact, it would concern me with how many other unilateral decisions you would make as the breadwinner. I don't get the sense that you are really and truly understanding her argument because you seem too entrenched in the notion of your lifelong dream and you being the breadwinner thereforee she is being unreasonable. Yes, you need to be happy, but so does she...and she is tied with family and doesn't want to live that far away. She can handle 4 hours but not longer. So she is willing to compromise...but that is not good enough...because unless she sees it totally your way then she is being unreasonable. If this has been your lifelong dream to take whoever it is you plan on marrying to New Zealand, then maybe your dream trumps this relationship. I am sure you can find another woman who is willing to follow your dream..if your dream is more important than which woman would be living it with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allypally Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I feel for you, I really do, and face the same tough questions to be answered. I think my bf would go willingly if it weren't for his elderly mother who has no one else to keep an eye on her. He would always feel guilty for leaving her, and if she became ill, he wouldn't be around to rush back in time to be with her. My dream to emmigrate just isn't an option when he has his mother to consider. As it is, it is the toughest economic climate to find a job. It would also be even tougher for my bf to get a job because he would have to take exams and transfer to the N.American engineering requirements. He has not studied engineering for 15 yrs or more and is apprehensive that he wouldn't make the grade. The point I am trying to make is, although I have had tunnel vision about making my dream come true, it wouldn't be much of a dream life for him, and the relationship would suffer because of these factors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 CAD 4 hours is not a compromise. There is no such thing in this case really. If he were to compromise would them moving only half the way to New Zealand be suitable. The OP certainly needs to sit down and have a think about what it is he wants in life. If the need to travel is his dream then maybe he should persue it. I know I did. Did I have to give up things? Yup. But I ended up better that I can imagine I would have had I not in every facet from experience to my careeer to my GF who I met abroad. Either way the cookie crumbles someone is going to have to give something up here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 CAD 4 hours is not a compromise. There is no such thing in this case really. If he were to compromise would them moving only half the way to New Zealand be suitable. The OP certainly needs to sit down and have a think about what it is he wants in life. If the need to travel is his dream then maybe he should persue it. I know I did. Did I have to give up things? Yup. But I ended up better that I can imagine I would have had I not in every facet from experience to my careeer to my GF who I met abroad. Either way the cookie crumbles someone is going to have to give something up here. Yes, you may have traveled...but did you walk away from a girlfriend you said you loved and saw a future with in order to travel. If you did then you didn't love her enough because you walked away and met someone else. I moved quite a bit for my career...but I didn't have a partner to consider. When someone chooses to move and the ultimatum is basically "move with me to follow my dream or the relationship is over" then that sends a clear message of the priority the relationship takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Well, my now husband walked away from me to move to America, its not that black and white, you can't know unless you've been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yes, you may have traveled...but did you walk away from a girlfriend you said you loved and saw a future with in order to travel. If you did then you didn't love her enough because you walked away and met someone else. I moved quite a bit for my career...but I didn't have a partner to consider. When someone chooses to move and the ultimatum is basically "move with me to follow my dream or the relationship is over" then that sends a clear message of the priority the relationship takes. Actually I did. Now whether I loved her "enough" or not is irrelevant because we simply werent compatible. We never would have been. Love has little to do with it. Compatibility has everything to do with it. In fact I loved many girls since the then. All for different reasons. Some of them I moved around alot on and had LDR etc. The realtionships never ended because of this. They ended because we simply werent compatible. You are correct if the "follow my dream or its over" is the message than the relationship is most likely not the priority. Just the same as "I am not moving because of my family" says the same. There is no altruism in either option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Well, my now husband walked away from me to move to America, its not that black and white, you can't know unless you've been there. Yes, but then he asked you to follow him and you did. What exactly did he sacrifice. You moved and are feeling lonely. You don't have to actually "be there" to understand the issues. Do not assume that because you were fine moving away from family that everyone else has to be fine with it...as you say, things are not always black and white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yes, 3 years later he asked me to follow him... He just wants me to try it for a while, and if i'm unhappy then we will go back home. I said i'd give it time, to adjust and settle and get into the swing of things. My family are visiting me, I think it'll be lovely for them to come over and I don't really see how she can't do the same unless her family is unable. If he stays for her, it'll fall apart, if she goes with him.. it MAY fall apart. If they split up... well.. yeah. Yes, well here is the difference between your situation and the OPs. He realized you were the one for him, your love for each other survived the distance...he is now talking compromise with you...he had to learn the hard way what life was like without you. Your circumstances and the way this came about is different from the OPs. You can't simply apply your situation to his girlfriend's situation because you don't know what is going on within her personal life and within her family life...your personalities are different, the way you handle situations is different. What might be right for you may not be right for her. It is unfair to judge her simply based on the fact that you wished your husband had taken you with him from the beginning, and without knowing her unique circumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiteless Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 You said you live a 2 hour flight away from your mother. How often do you visit with your mother? The point isn't how often I visit my Mom. The point is that I can actually AFFORD to. If I have to, I can drive home. My mom comes to visit me at least 2 or 3 times a year. I don't go back home because there really is no where for my three significant others and myself to stay, and by her coming her she can see everyone. It is very, VERY important to me to be able to drop everything and be able to be there for my mom, and for her to be able to do the same thing. We have a very small family. It is pretty much her, my good for nothing half brother, her husband, her cousin, and me. That's it. She is my best friend and the ONLY person I have ever been able to count on for my entire life. For you, you may not have that kind of family tie, and that's ok. For me, I do, and living any further away would be prohibitive both timewise and financially. The OP's girlfriend may feel exactly the way I do about her own family, and there isn't anything at all wrong with it. A 24 hour plane flight is nothing at all to sneeze at, and for me personally, I couldn't hack it unless I was brought onto the plane unconscious and kept that way. I'm bad enough as it is with a 4 hour flight. Both the OP and his girlfriend have very valid opinions on this situation, and it is up to the OP to get to a place where he is as close to 100% happy with the outcome with no regrets. Final note. The OP lives in the UK, so it isn't a big deal when it comes to health care. They both have state funded health care. However, unless the OP and his GF are married, she will not be eligible for healthcare in NZ unless she also is coming on a work permit. That IS something that is a really big issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rahulrajpal Posted April 29, 2018 Share Posted April 29, 2018 Hi mate, hope you’re well! Many years have passed by since this question was originally posted, and I’m reading through it because I’m in a ditto situation as you. I’m wondering what you decided to do and how you’re doing today? I wish I could talk to you on the phone, you having been through exactly what I’m going through. I hope you can respond to me! Take care buddy! Hope life has brought you happiness and success regardless. Cheers, Rahul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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