chick Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I know this has probably been done a million times, but I have realised that the current relationship I'm in just isn't working, and it seems to get worse and worse. We have a little baby together, and he recently quit his job - now I'm back working again (I don't want to as I was the 'stay at home mum') and the same issues we've always had are coming up again plus some. I know I'm a terrible person for spying on my partner, but I was following my gut instinct, and things seemed to contradict what he was saying in one way or another - then to top it off, I received an email from an anonymous person saying that he was cheating on me. I have my proof - and yes, he had cheated/is cheating on me... I am falling apart but can't say anything because he has NPD - so it's lose lose either way. If I confront him then I will have to divulge that I spied on him - and that will turn him on me. He is very emotionally manipulative and there have been times where I would have preferred a fist in the face than what I've had to endure. But I'm still here for the moment... because I need to think of my little one and all I can do is prepare, save money and when things are right (hopefully not much longer) then I can bring it all out. Either way, when I am the one to break it off with him - that will instantly make me the enemy. Irony is I love him with all of my heart - but I'm in utter disbelief that he could do this to me... so blatantly lie to my face, disrespect me and our baby and undermine me. I have done nothing but cook, clean, love, support, provide for this man and when he is good - he is brilliant... but as another poster had said 30% good times, 70% bad. I really need to hear from others who have been (or who are) in a similar situation and would like the opportunity to talk further. Please, help me... help me find the strength to get through these next few months and come out the other side for the betterment of me and my little one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Streak Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Does your husband not care for the little one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandrawg Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 You do everything in the relationship? Have you read about codependency? It sounds like you're being walked on-that's not really love. People with NPD can be abusive-I was with a narcissistic abuser. Does he ever verbally or emotionally abuse you? If so, how can your raise your child in that environment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugar_britches Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Hiya, First of all ((((hugs)))) it sounds like you need them right now. I think i am in a similar position to you but at the moment i am wondering whether my other half is passive aggressive or narcissistic. Ive been married 22 years to my fella and have 2 wonderful children with him. I have always felt that something is not quite right with him and to be honest have felt like a single mother for most of the time and had long bouts where i have felt extremely lonely. He cheated on me too some 12 years ago and only confessed because i was seconds away from hearing it from his bit on the sides husband. He apologised once for his mistake and because i didnt automatically forgive and forget he took his apology right back and told me how i was to blame for it all. He has struggled with one addiction after another, if it wasnt gambling it was his obsession with online gaming. Dare i tell him it upsets me? If i want weeks of the silent treatment maybe! He is only happy when i behave like a Stepford wife! I was co-dependent. Nursed my mum till she died 6 years ago due to alcohol related health problems and now have a father who is an alcholic. I have been through counselling and done a lot of work on me over the past 6 years and feeling like i have moved on but hubby cannot see why things need to change. His answer to everything is why change something thats worked for the past 22 years. My reply is because he will lose me if it doesnt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Remember that he is only in control if you play into his game. Make your plans, and have it all worked out before you tell him. Have another place to live all worked out, movers called, ready to go. Then tell him that someone emailed you and told you he was cheating, and that you investigated and found out it was true so you are leaving. End of discussion, and that you refuse to talk to him about it any more, it is over. He will most likely erupt in a rage, so you might want to have this conversation in a safe place, in public, or after you've already moved out. Then make your only contact with him to do with any issues involving the baby. Make sure you have talked to someone about custody issues and how to handle them before you even talk to him about this. The trick with a manipulative person is to not play their game, and to interact with them as little as possible. You might get lucky if he has a new girlfriend and goes goes and moves in with her and leaves you alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca1975 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Why do people say, " he has NPD", like its an illness? It makes it sound like it's not their fault. I mean I know it can be seen as a mental illness in a way, but its basically just someone who is an absolute a***hole and doesnt know how to treat people. But then again, its up to you to not ACCEPT being treated like that. I have only just found true love after enduring lots of bad relationships and the difference is astounding. He would never do or say anything to hurt me. Save some money and leave this man, don't tell him you are leaving until after you have left. Good Luck, you shouldn't have to stay and endure this any longer. You may feel total relief once you have left, sound nice? Much love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 thank you all for your comments as they give me strength. i have just found out he potentially has an std now too... the more i find, the more it fuels my motivation to get things sorted out for me and my little one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffles Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I'm curious, has he been diagnosed with NPD? The good thing about that is that when you're ready to leave him he may try to get at you for a while, but when he realizes that you truly are going to ignore him he'll focus on this other woman to feed his ego, or find another source if she's not satisfactory enough. The bad thing is that you share a child with him, so that makes things difficult -- no clean getaway. But as someone else has stated, in all interactions once you do leave him, be short, concise, focus only on your child, and otherwise be vague and do not engage. You don't have to tell him you know of his cheating. You don't really have to tell him anything, other than it's over. Does he go into rages, temper tantrums, etc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 I have studied the NPD in detail and if he is a true diagnosed NPD I recommend you leave him and never look back. Protect yourself and your child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 He hasn't been diagnosed, but i work with a psychiatrist who knows him and she has 'unofficially' diagnosed him. After researching it, it all made sense, because he has been a rollercoaster ride since day one... He can talk for hours on end about how much he loves me and our family and how we are his everything, then he says to other women online that he is single, and that I'm just a clingy ex. Since researching and being more aware of what is happening around me and to me - ie. npd and my snooping... i have found out he has lied to my face many many times and not just to me... he has had 'pseudo' relationships with other women since 3 months after our sons birth and I'm using what little time I have of an evening pondering where I want to be with my son, where to go etc. Plans are coming together - it's just hard to stay distant to a degree because i love him so and want more than anything to believe what he says to me - but they're all lies. I agree with ruffles - he will get at me when we separate... when we last separated, he would say that I caused the break up... that it was my choice, my fault... I know it's all going to get worse rather than better. I'm going to continue with my plan - my birthday being a cut off point. A little present to me and my son if you will. I thank you all for your advice, and I plan on taking it whole heartedly. Send me strength... x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Ruffles: when he gets angry - it's not pretty and everyone around him suffers for it. But he is always good with our little one. Calms right down or removes himself from the same room. No physical aggression towards me or our baby. It's all emotional and energy if that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffles Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Yes, it makes sense, I understand, unfortunately I was involved with someone like your ex, which is why your post caught my eye. It's great you're making a plan and have a deadline, etc. You really sound like you're ready to take the leap. Isn't it weird how awful they can treat us yet we still really care about them? But strangely comforting to read about people with their characteristics and go "bingo" that's him! Made me feel a little less crazy anyway.... I hope you feel the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 Ruffles, feel the same way. This site and many others have been a godsend to me - as I constantly swing between knowing I need to leave, can't put up with anymore (he was at it again last night, and I suspect he left at about 1 in the morning to see a woman - after my little one and I were fast asleep)... but then things change and I wonder if I'm the one with the disorder, what end is up etc. But everything I see here and when i look over the notes I've written and evidence i've collected for months now - it all points to him. My self esteem is so wounded I can't even differentiate what who is doing what anymore. Thank you for your support - i imagine it's going to get a lot worse before it gets much better... fortunately i have his family's support as they know too well what he is like and also our baby is young enough to grow up not knowing what went on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 For anyone listening out there - it's done. We talked this afternoon and are 'taking time out'. I feel a great sadness - but also relief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruffles Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Wow, congratulations! How have things been this last week? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Hey Ruffles - no such luck. Giving it another go - again. Things seemed to have improved, but then i busted him the other day talking about getting drunk and having sex with a friend of mine. I confronted her - but can't seem to confront him. I figure I'll get there eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Don't waste your life on a narcissist, you are just a narcissistical supply source Have you read anything by Sam Vaknin? If you haven't I think you should, if you have, I think you should -again. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 I'm going to have a read. Since becoming involved with this man over 5 years ago, I have developed avoidance personality disorder... been diagnosed... all from living with a narcisist... don't yo ulove it. I'm going to have to try and keep my head on my shoulders and go back to plan 1. I have a friend that may agree to me leasing her place with a view to buying it... i just found out that he is at it all again, and still avoiding the blame. We have our first counselling session this week too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I've read Malignant Self-Love. I think its a little overdramatic but it did open my eyes and it also put a shiver through me to the bone... I'm pretty sure the O.J.Simpson is a malignant narcissistor or possibly a sociopath/psychopath and I still recall a quote during his last trial. He said "I feel... apologetic" There was no emotion there to express, and no empathy or understanding for his victim whatsoever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbsentMaverick Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I know this has probably been done a million times, but I have realised that the current relationship I'm in just isn't working, and it seems to get worse and worse. With narcissists, things don't ever get better. Get out. We have a little baby together, and he recently quit his job - now I'm back working again (I don't want to as I was the 'stay at home mum') and the same issues we've always had are coming up again plus some. Are you implying some kind of association between the two? Anyhow, he quit his job because he didn't feel 'special' or 'respected' enough. Narcissists have this insatiable and endless need for that kind of recognition. I know I'm a terrible person for spying on my partner, but I was following my gut instinct, and things seemed to contradict what he was saying in one way or another - then to top it off, I received an email from an anonymous person saying that he was cheating on me. You are a terrible person for distrusting someone who is not trustworthy? Who is more important, the kid or the narcissist? In the above paragraph, you implied your own awareness of the effect the narcissist's decision had upon your kids life. Perhaps you should take that coldhearted fact and bring it into this context. I have my proof - and yes, he had cheated/is cheating on me... I'm really not sure if this merits its own quote. Anyhow, obviously he doesn't care about you enough to be faithful and it is a sign of things to come. I am falling apart but can't say anything because he has NPD - so it's lose lose either way. That is nonsense. Narcissists are much easier to manipulate than normal people. Look up the laws in your state and see if you can audio record him being abusive without telling him. If you must tell him, tell him that your conversation is being tape recorded. Also, buy a tazer and same pepperspray and keep it on you. If I confront him then I will have to divulge that I spied on him - and that will turn him on me. Tell him that "You think everyone respects you, but they don't. It's all a fantasy." -- sort of like how when someone asks you a question, and you answer with something completely unrelated to piss them off. He is very emotionally manipulative and there have been times where I would have preferred a fist in the face than what I've had to endure. What will your kid say about him in ten years? Perhaps your kid *will* be like him in ten years. I've been best friends with narcissists (as far as you can be best friends with one, because they lack love for everyone) who are narcissists because their fathers beat the * * * * out of them when they were kids. But I'm still here for the moment... because I need to think of my little one and all I can do is prepare, save money and when things are right (hopefully not much longer) then I can bring it all out. In a way. Just make sure you protect the kid, though. Get evidence of how much of a monster he is. Either way, when I am the one to break it off with him - that will instantly make me the enemy. Just remember that he is addicted to respect. He needs it. If you take it away from him by highlighting this kind of behavior to those from whom he steals respect, he will move on from you. Irony is I love him with all of my heart - but I'm in utter disbelief that he could do this to me... so blatantly lie to my face, disrespect me and our baby and undermine me. I have done nothing but cook, clean, love, support, provide for this man and when he is good - he is brilliant... but as another poster had said 30% good times, 70% bad. Do you literally mean disbelief? He is a narcissist, after all. Try to bring your feelings as close to reality as possible as quickly as possible, at least for the kid's sake. I really need to hear from others who have been (or who are) in a similar situation and would like the opportunity to talk further. Please, help me... help me find the strength to get through these next few months and come out the other side for the betterment of me and my little one. Narcissists are just so easy to manipulate, because they need respect, respect, respect. If you make them look bad, they move on. Period. They become *severely* depressed without respect. Just steal it away from them. Edit: oh, one other thing. Confronting him on his infidelity is pointless, because any promises he makes, he is utterly incapable of fulfilling. Even if he was convinced of it at the time, its significance in the future is prone to... "change". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.