MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 What do you think? Do you feel you are too demanding in some other way you haven't mentioned here (beyond wishing to be acknowledged, & not treated harshly etc.)? For instance, do you feel you do not give him the space he needs (i.e. when you see him in the hallway you try to talk about his life or act "needy" etc.) & so he gets upset & acts more negatively or something like this? It seemed by what you wrote that you have been giving him his space just fine. I personally think that would be so, so sad, and might eventually even chip away at you within your own self over time... I don't think anyone should have to accept their partner being cold & ignoring them on a regular-ish basis... In that past I wasn't as good at giving him his space, but we have since worked on that. I think it makes him think I am going back to my old ways if I bring up this kind of stuff. I am a LOT better at giving him his space, but I want to show him I have some needs too. I've worked on helping him out, I need the same. I just hope he doesn't read it as me being emotionally demanding again. How do I show him that's certainly NOT what I want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I just read that you are going to speak with him... That's great... When I am full of emotion & worried I won't be able to keep it out of a conversation, I practice the exact thing I will say over & over... The first few times I am filled with emotion when I say it but the more I do, I lose the emotional affect. Another thing I have done is email my feelings & then say I'd like to get together over a nice lunch (or whatever) talk about it more... That way I can temper the emotional affect & the other person also has time to think/process before their reaction also... I hope it goes well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 In that past I wasn't as good at giving him his space, but we have since worked on that. I think it makes him think I am going back to my old ways if I bring up this kind of stuff. I am a LOT better at giving him his space, but I want to show him I have some needs too. I've worked on helping him out, I need the same. I just hope he doesn't read it as me being emotionally demanding again. How do I show him that's certainly NOT what I want? By stating just what you did above... You explained it perfectly.... I understand & appreciate completely what you are saying in it all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I used to do alot of talking about issues via email. It's what we used early on in our relationship to bring an issue forward, have the other person read it through, and then discuss it in person that evening, the next day, etc. It gives both parties time to think about things, come up with a solution, a compromise. After doing this quite frequently and being so successful at discussing things afterwards, the whole initial need to drop an email was stopped and we easily discuss anything without anyone feeling accused, being attacked, or seeming demanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 I used to do alot of talking about issues via email. It's what we used early on in our relationship to bring an issue forward, have the other person read it through, and then discuss it in person that evening, the next day, etc. It gives both parties time to think about things, come up with a solution, a compromise. After doing this quite frequently and being so successful at discussing things afterwards, the whole initial need to drop an email was stopped and we easily discuss anything without anyone feeling accused, being attacked, or seeming demanding. Maya and your replies have been very helpful. I think I will send him a loving email about it beforehand, one with lots of x's and o's I think that will help us with both our emotions when we do talk about it. I'm going to wait until he feels a little less stressed though...give him some time to work out his stressful situation before we work on compromising Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 Here is a potential email I want to send him. Does it come accross to accusing still? Advice on how to rewrite it is more than welcome! Dear Boyfriend's Name, I know you have been very stressed out lately. I hope you are feeling better! I understand that when you are stressed you just want to deal with the situation at hand and not much else--I feel that way myself often When I saw you in the hallway the other day you seemed very preoccupied and upset. While I understand your frustrations, I would be happy if you could smile and give me a little acknowledgement before you go on your way. It would mean a lot to me. I know when you are upset it is hard for you to communicate. And I want you to know I am also more than happy to give you the space you need. I just would very much love for you to be a little bit warmer when I see you briefly...after all, your smile is so handsome xoxoxoxo Even when your frusterations are not directed towards me, when you are cold to me I feel a little hurt. Can we talk this over sometime over lunch this week? I want to come to a decision that helps both of us. That way, when you are stressed we both can react better. In no way do I think you have done anything wrong or that this is your fault. I simply wish to discuss how we can reach a solution that will make us both happy. Love you lots, My name xoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Hi MJ23... I added what you'd said in your prior mail about him not thinking about you going back to your old ways, and also just added/edited a little throughout. I also took out the part where you mention you want to come to a "decision". I only softened it by using a dif. word... I have no idea whether this might be helpful or not to you... Take/leave what you would like.... Very best of luck with sorting the issue... --------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Boyfriend's Name, I realize that in the past I struggled more with giving you space which may have contributed to this issue here, but as you know, I have worked really hard on that & will always continue to. I'm glad to say that I think things in that area have improved quite a bit and I want it to be clear to you that I will remain very conscious of that issue. What I am writing about now carries a completely different energy. I only want to lovingly share with you something very important to me in terms of my own feelings. I know you have been very stressed out lately. I hope you are feeling better! I understand that when you are stressed you just want to deal with the situation at hand and not much else--I feel that way myself often When I saw you in the hallway the other day you seemed very preoccupied and upset. While I understand your frustrations, I would be happy if you could smile and give me a little acknowledgment before you go on your way. It would mean a lot to me. I know when you are upset it is hard for you to communicate. And I want you to know once again, I am also more than happy to give you the space you need. I just would very much love for you to be a little bit warmer when I see you briefly...after all, your smile is so handsome xoxoxoxo I don't feel it is something that will impede your space whatsoever. It is a small gesture that can help us both be okay during times you feel stressed. In turn, I am happy to do the same for you when I feel stressed. Even when your frustrations are not directed towards me, when you are cold to me I feel a little hurt. I'd love for us to be able to talk about this over lunch in the near-ish future. I want us to bring more peace to this ongoing situation, and that way, when you are stressed we both can react better. And I think this will help lessen both of our stresses! In no way do I think you have done anything wrong or that anything is your fault. I simply wish to have a gentle chat about how we can reach a solution that will make us both happy. Love you lots, My name xoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 Wow! Very helpful and wonderful!!!! Can I just use this one? Your advice has been very insightful. I think we'll both come away with this a little bit better off. Thanks for the help! I'm going to send this to him after things calm down a little in his stressful situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 This is how some people handle stress. It might not get better. I would ask yourself if you can see this going on longterm. If not, maybe this isn't working. I would be concerned to date someone who handled stress that way. I learned thru strengths training and many years of various other training on these topics that there are a few things that we are born with or learned thru our lives that are (or become over time) innate. How we handle stress is one of those things. We can, thru self help and awareness, improve that and take measures to combat it, but we mostly handle stress in a certain way that is innate or either learned thru our lives....some people handle stress with finesse, others flip out and get so hyper they make mistakes when stressed, some withdraw and ignore those close to them, others flock to close loved ones during stress....he apparently is the withdraw type and it will be really hard for him to change years of conditioning and his own propensities and proclivities. So in other words he would have to make a HUGE effort to change this to make any improvements. Do you think he would ever care passionately enough about changing this mode to even try? If not, brace yourself for a lot more of this in the future. Have you had some conversations with him that were not combative that really addressed how this makes you feel? If not, it is time to start talking about it....and try to do it in a way that wno't make him defensive. Talk about how it makes you feel vs blaming him or making him feel he has to defend himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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