MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 When my bf gets stressed out, he acts like I am the most annoying person on earth and he won't be affectionate and barely talks/acknowledges me until he is done being stressed out. Needless to say, it hurts a lot when I get treated like this...but since he is stressed out I don't want to be a pain and make it about me. What should I do? I hate being treated like I'm some annoyance he wishes would go away. When he is not stressed everything is happy and fine. Any suggestions? How do i stop feeling hurt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 You need to have enough interesting things to do and people to do them with that you don't miss him. Sometimes this can lead to not wishing to bother anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Its not that I miss him, its that I hate being treated like I'm annoying and basically ignored Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Sometime when you aren't being ignored or treated like you're annoying him you might try to bring it up as a topic of conversation so you can let him know how you feel about it. It would be best to let go of any particular outcome of this type of conversation before you have it though, since it could be your last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Have you tried talking to him about this when he's not stressed out? You can explain to him that you completely understand that he is stressed and you would do whatever you can to help him, but you also still expect to be treated right and not as if your existence bothers him. If he's the type that needs to be left alone when he is stressed, he needs to verbally convey that instead of having an attitude. And if he does say that he is that type, you need to do your part by picking up on his cue that he is stressed and try to give him some space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, he definitely needs to be left alone when he's stressed. I do leave him alone but when he does see me (we go to the same college) he will barely talk to me/acknowledge me, and basically gets away from me as fast as he can. We've talked and he tells me when hes stressed he just doesn't want to bother with me because he just wants to think. But it STILL hurts. When I'm stressed I spend more alone time but I don't treat him poorly when I DO see him. I guess I need to find a way to stop feeling hurt sbout it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 You need to just communicate better. He seems like the type that just needs to be left alone when he's stressed. If that's the case, give him the space he needs. He needs to vocalize when he's stressed, or just watch for clues, and leave him be. If there's anything you can do to help him out, he should let you know. But some people just need to be left alone when they are stressed. Monitor what you are doing or saying and how he responds. I know I can get that way. A simple "I'm dealing with alot right now.." and he knows just what to do, what not to do, and how to be around me. But it takes communication to figure out what I need/don't need, and I need him to let me know what I am doing. You are taking it too personally. It has nothing to do with you. It's about him, and stress and how HE copes and deals. You're just unfortunately in the cross fire, and in order to stay out of it, give him the space he needs. Just because you handle it one way, doesn't mean everyone does the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Yes, he often does a poor job communicating it at first. And then by the time I find out I'm already hurt because he's mad that I'm around and basically acting annoying. I guess my main question is when he DOES see me (we go to the same college so sometimes we see each other even when we're not trying, just in the hallways, etc.) how do I not feel hurt when he brushes by me, ignores me, acts as if I am annoying him when I offer to walk to the dining commons with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 How about asking him that? Talk about this when he is not stressed. Does he know that it hurts you? Ask him how you are supposed to feel and not take it personally when he does this? Put it into perspective for him. Ask him how he would feel if it was reversed. Just talk to him. Communication goes a long way. You need to find a middle ground in this, and he needs to verbalize himself during these times to let you know that its nothing to do with you, that its him dealing with x,y,z. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Even if it has nothing to do with me, I still feel hurt that he ignores me until he's done being stressed out. Should I just accept this? Its difficult to talk to him without it getting all defensive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Even if it has nothing to do with me, I still feel hurt that he ignores me until he's done being stressed out. Should I just accept this? Its difficult to talk to him without it getting all defensive. Do you mean that he gets defensive? My experience is that every single time I tried to accept poor treatment from an so my self-esteem suffered. Love is not about accepting the unacceptable, it is about supporting each other in tough times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Even if it has nothing to do with me, I still feel hurt that he ignores me until he's done being stressed out. Should I just accept this? Its difficult to talk to him without it getting all defensive. Then you have to find a way to make it not defensive. You aren't pointing fingers, blaming, making him out to be a bad guy, you just need to know how to deal with it. If this is how he deals with stress, then yes, you have to accept it. I know my partner accepts it, but we've also talked ALOT about it and found a way to deal with tough times. Now, instead of shutting down, shutting him out, snapping, etc..I actually turn to him during the stressful times. I still get times when I just want to be alone, but what choice does he have? He knows that I need it, it's not about him and he's quite content to let me mellow out and I approach him when I've cooled off and ready to be ME again. We all get like that at times, its part of LIFE. But you really have to communicate with him, in a non defensive, neutral conversation. He's the one who should be trying to help you deal with him when he gets like this, in my opinion. Otherwise, just leave him be. Just keep telling yourself that he's stressed. It's not about you, it has nothing to do with you...it's 'boy stressed' not your typical usual boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 How often does he get like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 Hmmm...this is really good advice. He is loving most of the times when he is not stressed out. But I would LOVE for him to talk to me about it so we can both learn how to deal with it when it happens. He keeps acting like it is my problem and he is stressed and I should deal with it. It'd be great to talk and do it like a team. Any suggestions how to start the conversation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 How often does he get like this? Well, it's been happening on and off because it's his senior year in college, he has work, and is trying to find a new job in a tough economy. I am understanding of it, I just don't want to be treated as if I don't exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 How do conversations normally go when talking about an issue? Are they productive, mature and COUPLE focused? Can you bring up an issue like this and constructively talk about it? Is he the type that doesn't want to talk about things and selfish-like when it comes to talking about a relationship issue? I would just be straightforward and honest about it. Make it about YOU. "I would like to know what I can do when you are stressed..what can I do to help the situation out? I find that I feel hurt during these situations and sometimes I take it personally. Is there any way that you can let me know during these times about how you are feeling, what you are dealing with so I know to give you some space, or maybe offer you a distraction from your stressor." Just talk. I don't know. Make it about you, trying to help him....not "When you're stressed, you treat me really badly..I don't like the way you make me feel like crap because you ignore me.." Make it about the two of you, because it is. What can you do to help, and let him know what he can do to make it better for you. The way couples work through issues, big and small really say alot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 8, 2009 Author Share Posted February 8, 2009 This really helpful. Sometimes our conversations go well...but a lot of times he gets defensive. Maybe its my approach though. He takes it as if I am making him out to be the bad guy, which I certainly don't want. So should I ask him NOT to ignore me when he is stressed? Or is that understandble behavior for him to ignore me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 Don't make him feel bad for being stressed, basically. It's part of life and this is how he deals with it, it's him. Anyone would get defensive if you are pointing out their flaws. What do you want in this situation? Is it realistic, all things given based on the way he gets. The two of you just need to find a compromise. Whether its him telling you about what he's dealing with and what he needs from you. An explanation of sorts in regards to the way he acts ["I don't intentionally mean to ignore you..." ] You just need some clarifications from him. You just need to communicate about this. No attacking or pointing out his faults, because it won't do any good. If this is the way he's dealing with stress, you need to know what to do about it. And you need to figure it out together. It does hurt you and you take it personally, finding the middle ground on how to deal will help the two of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 I wish I could give you more than one reputation point Your advice is very good. It's going to be hard not to feel hurt when I'm ignored though...how does someone NOT take it personally? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Even if you know it is not about you, I can understand your hurt feelings very much. Here is someone you care a great deal about, have that special bond of shared intimacy with, etc., barely acknowledging you and/or treating you like "the enemy". That would hurt me as well. Why not, at a non stressed, happy time between the two of you as others have said, give him an alternate suggestion that can suit you both during his stressed times. For example, he can take the time out he needs but if he sees you in the hallway at school, rather than being specifically negative toward you or not even acknowledging you, he could just smile & say "talk to you soon hon" or "squeeze your hand & say love ya I'll be in touch soon" something like this, & keep walking by... You could maybe tell him that you will honor his space (by not trying to stop & have a whole long conversation or walk with him) & in return, might he honor your feelings in being at least treated kindly during his "off" times. That said, if this is a frequent-ish thing, I don't think it is something you necessarily need to accept at all. It would be your call. I think he needs to learn about communicating about his stresses better. This is not all on you. I don't think it is kind or fair for you to get frequently ignored or brushed off. As you say, you might need your own down time when stressed but you still treat him with respect. Maybe he is having difficulty handling both at once - his emotions at a time of turmoil in life, & also being in a relationship. Hopefully he is open to practicing how to communicate stressful feelings & times with you within the context of your romantic relationship in a more emotionally aware & kind manner. Good luck... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, that would make me very happy to have some sort of compromise like that. I would love for him to at least smile or be kind towards me when we see each other in the hallway, and in return, I'd be happy to give him his space. He usually thinks hes fine though, and that I am too emotionally demanding. I don't think its just all me. I feel as if he always might think I am too demanding in this situation and it might come down to me just accepting him ignoring and being cold towards me during his stressful times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 To me, if he cares, he will make an honest effort to make that compromise. I don't really know of many people who care about someone and intentionally ignore them and make them feel like crap. If a simple smile or wink, or touch of the hand is all you need..HE CAN DO THAT. There are two of you in the relationship, it's not just him and just you. This is something that you BOTH are affected by and both need to meet halfway and find the compromise. And in all honesty, if he cares, he'd be willing to do his best to understand, see your side, and make that small little gesture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ23 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 To me, if he cares, he will make an honest effort to make that compromise. I don't really know of many people who care about someone and intentionally ignore them and make them feel like crap. If a simple smile or wink, or touch of the hand is all you need..HE CAN DO THAT. There are two of you in the relationship, it's not just him and just you. This is something that you BOTH are affected by and both need to meet halfway and find the compromise. And in all honesty, if he cares, he'd be willing to do his best to understand, see your side, and make that small little gesture. I am definitely going to talk to him. He does care so I know he'd be willing to listen. I just worry about my approach...I can't sound accusing which I worry about coming off as even if I don;t want to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 He usually thinks hes fine though, and that I am too emotionally demanding. I don't think its just all me. I feel as if he always might think I am too demanding in this situation... What do you think? Do you feel you are too demanding in some other way you haven't mentioned here (beyond wishing to be acknowledged, & not treated harshly etc.)? For instance, do you feel you do not give him the space he needs (i.e. when you see him in the hallway you try to talk about his life or act "needy" etc.) & so he gets upset & acts more negatively or something like this? It seemed by what you wrote that you have been giving him his space just fine. and it might come down to me just accepting him ignoring and being cold towards me during his stressful times. I personally think that would be so, so sad, and might eventually even chip away at you within your own self over time... I don't think anyone should have to accept their partner being cold & ignoring them on a regular-ish basis... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laisla Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 just give him some space to cool down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.