So its marry - or is it? no contact make sense anymore?

[rich_1517]

Hi

well i wont bore you totally. the girl left five weeks ago.

 

i knew the moment she left i had been trapped in my own crap for way too long. I used to make a lot of money then my business started to fail. I got into a lot of fear and stopped living in the moment, bills piled up and well you get the idea.

 

this imapcted the relationship. so did my not committing and giving her a hard time about something i had trouble accepting. dont get me wrong there was a lot there we both loved about each other and this break up has been hard.

 

she asked for a two month deciding period of boyfriend or friend.

 

i knew at once i was in trouble, that she was the girl and i had created real doubts.

 

so the scoop from her mom is she wants stable income, and marriage and kids. i didnt know this. she said she is not pursuing anyone else, so get busy.

 

so here i am with no contact, she actually called a lot in week 2 and 3, i was still huring but put a good face on it. had a way too long date that made me ask "whats up" she said still deciding. eep.

 

so forget the rest that followed i had to ask for a week of no contact to find work.

 

now i am stuck, i know i want to marry her and that i may be too late. I also know she is not the emotionally open type so she may just let things fall apart on their own, she has a lot of reasons to doubt.

 

do i go to her? tell her that i am want to go the distance, or do i run the risk that i will never get to tell her becuase i am obeying no contact so that she will miss me and change her mind? the fact is she wont change her mind with the info she has now. HELP

[GeeCee]

So ... rich_1517 - you know that you love her, you know that you messed up, you know that she is not emotionally open. What are you waiting for? Someone to tell you that you wasted a golden opportunity in five years time. Call her, go to dinner, and talk the talk of your life.

 

Good luck!!

[rich_1517]

thanks ceecee

 

whats holding me up is no contact. becuase i have doubts and i had to cut her off from calling once because of mixed signals that she only called once and i think it made her sad.

 

i am back and forth on this. i believe the concept that she has to miss me to more open to the "idea" of starting again, so i follow no contact.

 

at the same time i am afraid that a woman will make her mind up when there is lack of evidence besides just her feelings. meaing i gave her serious doubts, and feel i have to address them again, and soon.

 

some of the senior members feel that five weeks is too soon and that i should wait longer and let her miss me more, i should change more and that will make a better footing.

 

and i have the unshakeable fear that she is done with me. so jus the idea is terrifying, but when i know its time to go do it i will, she means that much to me.

 

See why im confused?

[Beec]

Rich,

 

If you want to see her, you can, but you need to make sure you know what you are doing. Explaining to her all that you realize you screwed up, in calm voice and apologizing, would not be a bad thing to do. Saying that you have some things to work on (the same stuff you apologize for) would be great. But asking her to make up her mind now, would be very bad. Asking her to make up her mind at all would be bad. Acting at the same time like you accept she is not with you and you are ready to move on, that would be good. Acting like you are trying to be Mr. Perfect to land her again is bad. Being Mr Perfect and acting like you may just not want her back, that would be good.

 

The amount of interest you show in her is the key thing. Any chasing or convincing of her is not going to win the day. She has to see that you are willing to be around her, while being the kind of guy she wants, without acting like you NEED or even really want her to come back. Sure you do, sure it ok to show some interest, but if you show a ton, she will think it is either just a show and you are only doing it to persuade her. Be the guy and be it a few times around her without trying anything and she may start to show interest.

 

You cannot think you will jump right back into where you were. I went out with woman, then broke up, had not contact for four months, had contact for two months while I dated other women, began dating her and other women, then two months into that (so a total of nine months after break up) we were back to being intimate. You have to treat your contact with her as if you were talking with an old friend who has not sexual thoughts about you but who you wish to seduce over a few months time. Do not be in a hurry. She should not know whether you are back to get her or just be friends. If she asks, then tell her you are going to have to figure out whether you can be the guy she wants first.