Her mom says its time to get busy

[rich_1517]

I wont go through the background. but 3 years, she left 5 weeks ago saying i need two months to decide. We had some problems going in but i held most of them. my business failed and i didnt want to face it so this lead to harder and harder financial times, i was also not committing.

 

Ok so she didnt say much at the break up, just i need to be alone. I was floored.

 

I went to her at one week out and said that i knew i had screwed up, that i hadnt committed becuase i was scared, that i felt i wasnt holding up my end of the financial side, that i made her feel bad by not accepting some things about her. Up to this point we have had a loving relationship with me gripping now and then about xxx not happening more.

 

Ok so i do no contact, and have pretty much until she went way over the boundaries and i asked her not to call while looked for work. She has not talked about relationship at all. Has looked like she is done, and she may be. Her calls though have always contained "hows quitting smoking?" "the job" she has actually offered twice to buy me the patch. should i let her?

 

Her mom sent me a blank email, this lead to me calling her and she said:

 

exactly the things i had apologised for. that she wants to be married and have kids, that she wants a partner with a stable income and lifestyle, and no smoking.

 

her mom was glad she made the change because she normally would just sit in it and not change. But her mom is not opposed to me and basically said "get busy" and that there is no one else she is pursuing.

 

her mom was very clear that she wants to be married, not just living with. I know i already want to marry her i have just been scared and caught in my own problems.

 

So there are three weeks left to the "deciding period" other than the obvious secure a job, quit smoking and be more confident does anyone have suggestions about how i proceed from here.

 

am i putting a lot of expecations on these changes? yes, did they need to happen anyway. definitely, i dont want to date anymore, i want to settle down and have kids and i love this woman very much.

 

i wont run to her and say "look i've changed" but i will bring up things in conversation like, "yeah i like the job, its different but more secure" no sales pitch. I have to let her drive still.

 

so do i just continue no contact and let her see the changes? is it time for some pursuit, a flower or two. i am starting to think no contact is sending her the message that i am moving on and she may just let go out of sadness.

 

personally i want to send a note with a white flower: "i will respect the time you have asked for and just know i love and miss you, i am changing and these things had to happen anyway."

 

i know that is counter to no contact im just not sure its a fit anymore. she had real reasons to leave, and my willingness to committ is one of them.

 

advice welcome.

[Beec]

I would not send a flower or a message. She probably already knows whatever you told her mother. She probably wants to see you being the kind of guy she pictures as a father, so she knows that you are capable of doing it. But have you considered that while she might want you to be that guy, she might also want to help you be that guy. If she did not see you in that kind of a role, the answer would already be NO!

 

I would think about what she responds to emotionally. What did you do in the beginning of your relationship that made her get excited about you in the first place?

 

Then (here I go sounding like a broken record) give her some and then withhold soem of that, then give her some. All the time you should be indicating interest in her, but not a yearning to get back to where you were immediately. Be vague.