Rich_1517 Saga - to end no contact and be direct?

[rich_1517]

I thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

 

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

 

Section One

 

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

 

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

 

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

 

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

 

Section Two

Week 5 since break up

 

So she called. it was drive by emotionally but she wanted to know if there were changes, work, smoking (I said job comes first then smoking, too much to do at once) i turned the questions back onto her and is she ok? she sounded sad, and a little lost, i got off after a few minutes but said glad you called. She started off concerned about me, like "are you ok?"

 

Ok, im starting to have trouble with this. In my past i have taken this opportunity to try and clear the air with break ups. This one was very open, unclear and well frustrating. I am in a "deciding period" with a lot of cautions issued by her about not getting my hopes up.

 

My instincts tell me its time to contact her and ask her how things are going "really". That five weeks has passed and this is how i feel, what i am willing to do and that im prepared to hear no, but the ambiguity has to stop. its either yes lets try to work this out or no it isnt.

 

I am tired of projecting by default that i am sitting here waiting for the not so anticipated two months to expire, it wont be good, or she will just say "i dont know". while this time has given me a chance to face and begin correcting the mistakes i have made and what i have to change. its kind of hard to stay centered and also feel i am leaving the deicision completely in her hands.

 

I want to say I love you and i am prepared to hear no, but i need your answer so i can move on with my life, but i do want to know your reasons so i dont make these same mistakes again with someone else.

 

I understand i may also be getting nervous about her calling, and that she is trying to make contact on some level, but she is so bad with expressing her feelings that she may not be able to. I cant help her with that i know, and i cant read into yet until she calls more. She knows now i do not want to pursue only a friendship. so is this a sit on my hands and wait? or is it getting close to being more direct?

 

 

What Iam learning:

The friends/posters have thier own motives for advice

That in the end i must get grounded enough to decide what i want

That the grass isnt always greener on their side of the fence

That I am worthy of having someone love me and want to work on getting through problems

 

What I want?

to have that chance to show up, to see if both of us BOTH are now willing to compromise more now that we have seen what alone looks like. It may not work out, but its my wish.

 

Advice Wanted

[Beec]

Well, I think you may be right about somethings and wrong about others. I'm not sure if it is the right time to contact her or not, but with her contacting you it may be. She is apparently missing you from what you describe (that's just my guess). So if you know how to manage the contact between you, you can and should do it.

 

Each of us is different and each of us is capable of doing different things. In some way, I think all of us are emotionally crippled. She has issues expressing how she feels, so do I. You lashed out at her due to other problems in your life, I tend to keep silent about that stuff and. My gf almost always hide her nastier emotions behind a smile. In the same way, we all respond to positive things differently.

 

And in the realm of love, sex and romance, we each tend to think different things are postive. Some women have loved when I wink at them, others think I am being too fresh. For soem I have come on too strong, for tohers not fast enough.

 

Howver, we almost universally respond to the people that make us feel great, while they remain aloof, vague, indpendent and NOT NEEDY. You should be able to figure out waht makes her feel great, because you got her in the first place.

 

Think about what she responds to positively, and do some of it when you have contact. Don't too much of it or you will seem like you a kissing her butt, figuratively speaking. That will seem like you are being needy. No one wants to be smothered.

 

Also, what you describe here, especially the part about wanting to say "I love you" approaches behavior most would tend to feel was needy:

 

 

 

 

You are probably not in that bad of a spot, but you need to figure out your game plan and you need to do it without so much emotion. IMO.

 

Do I have an agenda? If I do, it is only to test my ideas and maybe to stroke my ego. Am I that different in this regard from any one else?

[rich_1517]

Thanks Beec

 

Most of the posts here i find are honest and well thought out. I was on another board and got a guy who is just negative about everything, but i also realised that some friends have motives that are suspect around this issue. hers i think wants misery company becuase life is horrid, Mine doesnt want to left alone if i move, and i girl i know wants me to end it so she can have me. sheesh.

 

Well after some thought i realised that it must be after at least one more phone call, maybe two. The last one could be just "checking in", she will have to show some sign of weakening before i jump the gun. resolve may be where she is and i dont want to run into it thank you.

 

You are correct, i have to lay off the emotions. its a question of pitch without pressure. or letting enough casual contact happen to let it flow naturally. the problem with that again is she will the last one to take an emotional risk. I may have to go that route anyway.

 

This also buys me time to quit smoking and to be sure i have secured some regular employment. both of which will make me feel a whole lot better about myself and increase my personal footing.

 

Still want advice on this.... thanks in advane

[Beec]

 

Well after some thought i realised that it must be after at least one more phone call, maybe two. The last one could be just "checking in", she will have to show some sign of weakening before i jump the gun. resolve may be where she is and i dont want to run into it thank you.

 

You are correct, i have to lay off the emotions. its a question of pitch without pressure. or letting enough casual contact happen to let it flow naturally. the problem with that again is she will the last one to take an emotional risk. I may have to go that route anyway.

 

 

Well here I may not agree, not that I absolutely disagree. I don't think she needs to weaken, but you MUST BE STRONG.

 

If you sre strong and have a good plan, you might be able to work some magic and seduce her, not in the sense of getting sex, but in the sense of getting her to fall for you. Is this easy??? No, but it is possible, and if you think you can, your chances really get better.