When you move away from emotionally abusive parents how does the realtionship change between you?

[BronzedSkin123]

To those who were raised in homes where the parent(s) were emotionally abusive, when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

 

feedback would be GREATLY appreciated

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wouldn't say my situation was emotionally abusive. There were certainly times when I had to deal with control issues and I had to stand up for myself, but I generally have a great relationship with my parents with some periods of strife when I have to put my foot down regarding control issues...although it has been a few years since we have had a battle of wills. I think my self esteem was always pretty high because I had a lot of support from my parents, despite the times when I had to put my foot down with them. I have parents who always wanted the best for me so even when there were difficult times between us, they were always there to help me when I was dealing with crises.

[abitbroken]

I can't speak for myself because I grew up with supportive parent, but can tell you my experience with my ex husband and his family. It is very beneficial sometimes to create physical boundaries when you cannot create other boundaries in relationships with abusive parents. You can get your boundaries for privacy, the boundary of allowing/not allowing touch, and many more if you physically remove yourself.

 

However, I have found that the tentacles are far reaching if you don't create some other emotional boundaries. For example, a couple of times when he didn't return their calls, etc, they got on a plane and came over and screamed at him for worrying them or scream at me like it was my fault. Just showed up. And after each major fiasco they would leave and there would be peace until the next contact.

 

I will say that the in-laws were one of the reasons why we broke up. We would make decisions as a couple and then after he had any contact with them whatsoever he would change his mind or start insulting me. They would moan and cry and all sorts of stuff and to stop the fighting he thought it was just easier to get rid of me, because he was powerless to stop their haranging because they were beyond being reason with.

 

I think that setting distance to stop the constant abuse can work for a time, but if the person moving in question is the type to be introspective, and do personal work about taking ownership of certain things, and seperating the things that are not "their stuff", and finding a good support network, then they can really blossom in life. The "triggers" will be removed. My ex husband used to do that sometimes, but would stop when it would required him to be too vulnerable or that he was carrying the cycle of abuse forward in his relationship with me. if that person is just fine because of the distance and won't look to emotionally move forward, then it is only a matter of time when they get wrapped up in it again.

[BronzedSkin123]

I have two emotionally abusive parents. I've spoke about this before. I currently live at home and I am trying to finish up my degree. My father does not even refer to me as his daughter anymore, he doesn't really speak to me. And when he does talk about me, it's almost always negative, calling me a bum, liar, loser, etc. He tells these things to my mother, and influences her to say those things about me as well.

 

I don't understand the anger, resentment and hostility my father has for me. It just came out of nowhere, and it gradually got worse and worse. It's to the point that I avoid him at home. I stay in my room because I am not allowed to be in any other part of the house or he'll get mad and try to throw me out of the living room or basement. And when I am in my room he constantly complains that I am there. I try to make peace and be out of his way as much as possible but it doesn't help. Everyday, he continues to pressure me and say mean things, that I am "crazy" "mentally disturbed" a "liar" "school is a waste of time, it's a habit for me". Everytime we pass by each other in the house (i try to avoid passing him by) he will say something very cruel. so if he is in the kitchen, living room, I will not enter it. I wait until he finishes what he has to do then I go in after him

 

I talk to my mother and ask, "why does my fahther feel this way about me" and she gets defensive and say "I don't know. what do you expect me to do about it?"

 

She's also emotionally and physically abusive as well.

 

I plan on moving to another state next year. Right now I am suffering. My spirit is just dying inside everyday. My father does not love me at all.

[abitbroken]

My ex had a father that would call him names and said he was nothing, etc. The father never went to college, dropped out of school in sixth grade to take care of his siblings, etc, and really when it came down to it wanted his son to succeed where he didn' have a chance to but showed it not in a good way. He was not an affectionate man and I remember him smiling or laughing twice and that was about it. I think he didn't "know" how to love his kids beyond thinking that putting food on the table and working 3 jobs was loving them, because he lived practically an orphan himself.

 

It didn't help that my ex's mother was emotionally a child. she would have nervous breakdowns, married to get out of the house, etc and asked the kids for advice about her life and about her boyfriend on the side. One of the sisters just is a bossy bully and talks often how she thinks her dad didn't love her.

 

Maybe your parents are just not equipped to know how to love. That does not make it right...but may be an explanation.

 

I suggest getting a good support group around you of friends, go to an actual support group or counseling. There are counseling services through women's shelters for the abused and they are often free.

[shes2smart]

It got worse, it appeared to get better, I went to a lot of therapy and sorted my own crap out and I got better....then they got really wacky (accused me of breaking into their house and stealing stuff among other things) by that point I was "better" enough (thanks to therapy) that I stood up and said "I don't have to take this anymore" and terminated the relationship then and there.

 

That was, oh, about 10 years ago now. My life without my bio-family in it is A LOT less stressful/dysfunctional than when they were part of it.

 

Therapy (and a series of bad relationships) also helped me learn what makes for a healthy relationship and helped me become a person who is capable of creating a healthy realtionship. Been happily married for 6-and-a-half years now.

[abitbroken]

It got worse, it appeared to get better, I went to a lot of therapy and sorted my own crap out and I got better....then they got really wacky (accused me of breaking into their house and stealing stuff among other things) by that point I was "better" enough (thanks to therapy) that I stood up and said "I don't have to take this anymore" and terminated the relationship then and there.

 

That was, oh, about 10 years ago now. My life without my bio-family in it is A LOT less stressful/dysfunctional than when they were part of it.

 

Therapy (and a series of bad relationships) also helped me learn what makes for a healthy relationship and helped me become a person who is capable of creating a healthy realtionship. Been happily married for 6-and-a-half years now.

 

I am glad that you were able to heal. That's wonderful.

 

Also, I would like to add that as far as me and my ex-husband, I felt when he left me the only way we could have a relationship is if he left his family. The aunts and uncles, etc were all fine - and they all sort of scratched their heads at his immediately family. The cousins all grew up to be pretty successful and had very supportive families. He would have to leave his immediate family (mom, siblings) versus "selling me out" every time by telling them private things about me that should not be shared with family about your spouse. I could see him be going along great and then each contact with them, he would have to 'recover' (his words) for a few days. I am glad I am out of all the abuse, but hope that someday he is able to separate himself. Even a nurse at a hospital he was in told him his family was going to kill him from stress and emotional nonsense if he wasn't careful.

[hiphop3]

To those who were raised in homes where the parent(s) were emotionally abusive, when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

 

feedback would be GREATLY appreciated

 

hmm...my emotionally abusive parent was/is my father.

when i moved away, we rarely saw each other, let alone talked. when we talk on the phone he will guilt trip me for not calling very often (yet he never calls me) but the conversations are almost always pleasant. after getting off the phone with him, after having a nice convo, i usually get upset about how things have become. but in a way, distance has made our relationship better...yet hardly existent. yet when i lived with him, our relationship was hardly existent as well, we just saw each other more often.

 

my self esteem has always been fine, since my dad got messed up when i was in grade 10, i had myself pretty established. if he were to become dysfunctional when i was little, it probably would have been a much different story. but even though we do not live together, i am still burdened by painful memories and i do have issues - but i do go to therapy.

 

i am an outgoing person but some times i'll get depressed if i visit him and something bad happens. these feelings tend to linger longer that i would like as well, maybe for a month. i then become anti social, but pull myself out of it at some point.

 

i'm going to university and am doing pretty well. i have many acquaintences and a few close friends, i consider myself pretty lucky. i have found love as well. i'm with my first serious boyfriend, we have been together for a year, and he is nothing like my dad.

 

this past summer my mom left my dad b/c of his issues and drinking. she fought for the marriage for a long time, the whole family asked him to get help, but he didn't. when they were still together my mom then made her own life and friends and was rarely home. then she decided to get a separation. my dad is still in denial about why she left.

[COtuner]

Nothing changed between us. I just stay on the opposite side of the country from them.

 

Me? Been a lifelong battle to fight the psych problems caused by them. Other abusive people that I encounter cause great damage because they can prey on the damage I already have. PTSD is my parents legacy to me.

[COtuner]

As for the other questions: I became a Type A overachiever and a perfectionist.

 

Friendships are no different - I still move all the time (or am in some way isolated due to work and stuff) so don't really get to have any, but I find it's tough for me to be open about things without fearing that I will be hurt or attacked, so that keeps me from the types of friendships other women seem to have. I do better being friends with guys because it's about sports, cars, competition, work, etc. No discussions about appearance, emotions or anything of the sort. (my parents put me down from elementary school onwards because they both had self esteem issues. To this day, I don't have female friends because of the things my parents said about me - I'm a social failure for choosing sports and achievement over doing each other's hair, planning babies and weddings and owning a million pairs of shoes and lipsticks)

 

 

My parents hated each other most of my life. My dad hated my mom because she had me, although my dad didn't want kids. He resented me all my life because she paid attention to me instead of him, to his way of seeing it. However my mom used me as a crutch to avoid dealing with her marriage. She tried to baby me and then just fed me giant doses of her own self esteem issues. In both parents cases, they were abused as children too, so they had no idea how to be in a marriage, let alone raise a kid. They finally divorced when I was 21, but they were emotionally split since I was maybe 10 or so. My mom has never recovered and is even worse. My dad has been in a long term relationship (almost 20 years) with another woman.

 

edit: my dad used to hit me, too, but that's not really part of this topic. Hard to make friends when you're trying to hide this stuff and you can't relate to anyone because your home life is about screaming and hiding and standing up to a beating because it's the only defense you have. Memories I really would give anything to erase.

[BronzedSkin123]

I am so sorry to hear that. My life is similar. My mother physically and emotionally abuses me.

 

My father began to slowly turn on me when I turned 18. Prior to that we had a decent relationship. He started nitpicking over the most trite things, ie. complaining about how I honked the horn when I got off from work to signal for them to open the garage, blaming me for things my mother did, not allowing me to use certain parts of the house, calling me a "liar", what it is I am lyng about I have no clue.

 

Then the moment I get a student refund check in the mail, I am obligated to give him a share. And my mother makes me buy him things for Father's Day, Holidays, wehn in reality he is no kind of father to me at all.

 

Both my parents disguise their behavior from the outside. Wehn a relative visits, my father is pleasantly nice to me--the moment they leave he is back to the same ol same ol.

 

He lies to my mother about things that I do when she is not home. Just flat out lies to make her turn on me or for her to spark an argument and abuse me. I guess he is hoping that she'll kick me out

[BronzedSkin123]

I just can't imagine myself ever having that much resentment to where I would consistently hurt my own child. I don't understand it at all.

[delicous]

It has gotten better, my dad and brother use to put me down constantly ,they use

to call me a "retard" "douchbag" The B word, The C word, use to tell me the only

thing Id ever be doing for a job was being a " * * * * * on the corner.."

Just a lot of ugly things. I had to get out of there. Luckily I met the love of my life

2 1/2 yrs after I graduated from highschool...

 

everything has definetly improved for the better, as far as my relationship

with my fam goes, we get a long, ill never be as close to them as I am my

boyfriend... we have been living together for a year now and the only thing

I can say I do sometimes is get angry with him and talk to him with a s hort

temper like I did with my dad or brother...

 

Ive been doing a lot better and I thank God every day for getting me

out of that situation I was in.. i was completely miserable and had a hard

time with socializing, Im still trying to get a grip on sociallizing...

 

Anyways, yes it has been tonssss better...

[nontoxicglue]

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My mother and I still keep in touch about once or twice a week via the phone or email. She's okay there. However, I find that once I stay over during breaks, it just ends back up at square one. I don't know. Maybe she likes the idea of having a daughter, but not really accepting all of who I am.

 

Now, I do things for myself. I feel a lot better, but sometimes I relapse into a depressive state. (I say state, because it never lasts more than 2 or 3 days.) I haven't gone to therapy, but I find my own ways to cope such as doing things/occupying myself to take my mind off things.

[shes2smart]

I just can't imagine myself ever having that much resentment to where I would consistently hurt my own child. I don't understand it at all.

 

I don't know that it is really understandable. (Then again, I find understanding other people so difficult as to be impossible, so....)

 

What I do know is you don't have to understand it to find your peace with it. And it doesn't need to be something you carry with you for the rest of your life.

 

For my own life, I found it helpful to realize that my mother is probably some degree of mentally ill (based on her behavior and also on my own on-going issues with depression) and is from a generation and culture where such things weren't really addressed or treated without a great deal of shame and stigma. My dad had his own issues, not the least of which was/is bieng married to someone who is a few bubbles off plumb and not being treated for it.

 

To that end, they did the best they could with the knowledge and tools they had. It was no great shakes, to be sure. From the random comments my mother made over the years, I got a picture of a woman whose life didn't turn out anything like she thought it would. She expected something different/better than what she created and got. For someone with unhealthy coping mechanisms that's reason enough to lash out, y'know?

 

Not excusing what-all transpired, because there is no excuse. However, after we are no longer children, it becomes our responsibilty to set our own boundaries and not allow people to treat us poorly --- whoever those people happen to be. It also becomes our responsibility to shape and create our lives so they are places we want to be. I wanted my life to be a place where I wasn't constantly criticized and belittled and falsely accused. She wasn't going to change her behavior, so I controlled what I could control -- my own self and who had access to my life.

 

It would've been nice to have had a dad who would've stood up to her and provided some sort of protection, but when push came to shove, he was more concerned about protecting his own hide. He knew better than to buy into her accusations, but after being married that long and not really standing up to her and calling her on her BS, are you suddenly going to start or are you gonna sell your (adult) kid down the river to deflect the craziness from yourself?

 

Therapy sessions after that incident were....interesting. I realized I'd pretty much written her off years ago. This was just the latest stop on her crazy train. But the absolute fury toward my father scared the crap outta me. I thank God I already had an established relationship with a therapist at that time because those were some of the most intense and difficult therapy sessions I've ever had. I'd always had this sort of image that my dad knew better and had been some sort of protection from the craziness, and that was just blown to hell. I spent one session (and a good while afterwards) a complete basket case because it dawned on me that there was NO protection....and had she been a little more unbalanced and prone to physical abuse...well...I can't recall another time when I've ever felt that kind of fear.

 

Forgiveness is key to finding your own peace of mind. But forgiveness doesn't mean they get any further chances to be part of my life. Even 10 years later, I have no desire to go there. One of my (for lack of a better word) "mentors" brings it up sometimes...something about advancing my growth and enlightenment. My "mentor" is entitled to his opinion, but personally, I think I'm good working on setting and maintaining my boundaries and not allowing people into my life who will treat me poorly.

 

In my teens, I just wanted out.

In my 20's, I didn't have enough strength and didn't know what do.

In my 30's, I'd worked on myself enough to realize, "Wow. I'm not being treated very well here. I don't have to put up with that...even if they are family."

In my 40's, I look back and wonder why it took me so long to grow a spine.

[stella74]

when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

They tried harder to control me. Once you try to separate, the balance gets shifted. You are no longer the scapegoat, so it threatens the family dynamics. But I persisted in separating (with the help of therapy), and then things got better.

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

Got better.

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

Yes, but they stayed married.

 

The only feedback I can give you is to keep emotionally and physically separating from your parents, even if they try hard to put you down for doing so.

[thejigsup]

My father was an alcoholic and life was hell for me and my siblings. I didn't have to move, the man collapsed and died in front of me when I was twelve. A young girl shouldn't see that, but I did. THAT, not his abuse, left a scar. I became very withdrawn and fearful. My relative actually made me kiss him goodbye before they closed the lid on his coffin! That didn't help me mentally at all. I gradually recovered without therapy. By the time I was 18, I was very social and outgoing. I moved out in my early twenties and one by one, life experiences made me stronger and more capable. By the time I was thirty five, I pretty much had it together. Today, I think the abuse made me a stronger person and I almost thank my dad for that. Now that I'm older and know more about his life, I have a better idea what his life was like and I can't say I blame him for drinking. I no longer hate him, that stopped long ago. Forgiveness is the key to a healthy life.

[r.elayne]

To those who were raised in homes where the parent(s) were emotionally abusive, when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

 

feedback would be GREATLY appreciated

 

 

It was my mother. Dad was always at work (he worked 2nd shift), and I rarely saw him around. I moved out when I was 14 and in with my father's mother.

 

when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

It's still the same. I try to avoid her when I can. One of the things she said when I told her I was pregnant and trying to explain some stuff that is crappy right now was, "Real life SUCKS!" Then she continued to berate me for being with my boyfriend while he's still unemployed. (She hasn't held a job for more than 3 months in the time I've known her. She's been unemployed for almost 8 years now.) She clearly doesn't understand how love and support(not of the monetary type) can change your life for the better.

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

It improved tremendously over the time I lived with my grandmother. I was finally able to be myself without the constant worry of whether or not it was acceptable to my mother. While my grandmother didn't like some of my thoughts and opinions on things, she still accepted them.

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

Yes, yes, more -and- better, and yes. More like. I rekindled relationships with people I had been friends with before, but was unable to maintain due to my mother's inability to allow me breathing room. She would give me permission to do plenty of things, but refused to take me there. Since I was still only a kid, I was unable to drive myself, and, like I said, my father worked 2nd shift and was never home and awake at the same time I was.

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

No. My parents are still married, happily from what I can tell. My mother's been on some antidepressant meds lately, and her attitude has lightened, but she still has the same outlook on her three older children. She treats all of us as though we were, and still are, nothing but an inconvenience. That's how I have always felt anyways. The younger of us four seems to be a little more spoiled. Though my mother would never admit to it, she is considerably more favored than the rest of us.

[samantha20]

ever since my mum married my step dad when I was 5 he used to make me cry every day. He was never really physically abusive, but would shout and scream at me constantly for the smallest things, like if I knocked on the front door because I forgot my key for example. He would also swear at me a lot and constantly put me down. Sometimes he would just shake his head in disgust at me for no reason. All of these things made me an incredibly shy person with no confidence or self esteem. I felt completely worthless.

 

Things did change. My first relationship showed me that I was loveable and when I left home my confidence increased. When I met my ex she told me that I always walked with my head down and she would constantly say 'head up!' eventually I started walking with my head up unless I was upset or nervous. I'm working on a cruise ship now as an entertainment officer which shows how far I've come in confidence because I have to be very outgoing for the job. I'm actually on leave atm staying with my parents and my step dad has changed towards me. He never shouts at me and actually seems like he respects me because I'm now an adult in a successful job. I think he feels bad about the way he treated me and goes out of his way to be nice to me. I don't think he loves me but I think he wants to get along and make up for the past. I'm not the kind of person who holds grudges, but that's just me. He is the only dad I've ever known, so whatever he's done he is my dad, and as long as he makes my mum happy that's all I care about really.

 

hope this helps

[AnonymousMeEC]

when you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

It got worse for the first few months. They once called me around 11pm to tell me what a horrible daughter I was. They do not drink so this was not the reason. Then it gradually got better. they realize that they cant control me.

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

improved by about 10000% I cant believe the verbal and emotional abuse I used I used to take from all people, not just my parents.

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

No, I still have great difficuly trusting new people.I am aware of the fact that I can be selfish. I have had the same friends for several years

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

I really dont know, we dont discuss that

 

When I was living home, my self esteem was in the negative numbers. I allowed everyone to verbally abuse me. I though I deserved it. I had a boss who would yell "hurry the f--- up" at me sometimes when I was doing something. I thought I deserved that!! I was also sleeping with several different men at once, hey it was positive attention!!

[AnonymousMeEC]

I will also add that I was cut down all the time as a child, not allowed to try out for cheerleading in middle school because I was "too fat" ( I was about 10 lbs overweight if that)and "would never make it" I later found out almost every girl in my class had tried out. I was devistated. I was also verbally reprimanded all thru school for not having enough friends."Maybe you would have more friends if you lost weight" Maybe I would have made friends at the tryouts.......

[Tigerlily91]

When you finally moved out how did the relationship change? Did it get better, worse or stay the same?

 

The relationship itself has disappeared. My father never knew anything but how to try to bring me down. I now live with my mother (who couldn't afford to take care of me until recently, and even now struggles to pay the bills so that we can live together) and younger brother who's 16. My brother gets along fine with my dad - my dad's from traditional 3rd world country and believes (though he won't admit it, he certainly shows it) that women are inferior, but is slightly more modern in that he believes we are worth something if we achieve. I had problems at school and only a few friends, and was overweight, and so he disowned me. My brother on the other hand, can't spell to save his life but is sociable, has lots of friends, used to be even fatter than I was but lost it all, and in the process became amazing at sports. So he gets all sorts of treats and love from daddy where I didn't. Occasionally my dad will come over to talk to my mum about him (once a month?) and I might run into him then. If I do, it's light conversation. Usually I tell him how my life's going (it's been hard for me to bounce back from a gap in education/employment so I've got nowhere yet) and he begins to tell me again how I'm such an intelligent person but I'm wasting it all and I'm so lazy blah blah blah... he starts off as if he's going to be nice and then he goes the other way. The difference here is that I don't have to answer to him and can simply walk away into my own house, as an adult in my own right.

 

What happened to your self esteem: did it improve, stay the same or get worse?

 

My mother has her own problems in that she needs taking care of and sometimes gets angry if I can't get everything done for her, but if I tell her she's upsetting me she'll stop and apologise, where my dad wouldn't. I'm still a little stressed but actually my self-esteem and general productivity has increased immensely - even though I've only been living 5 minutes away from him for almost 8 months. I still have my problems, but with help from friends and (good) family I'm getting through them.

 

Did you become more outgoing? Did you become more successful in your careers and goals? make more or better friends? find love?

 

So far no measurable success, but I definitely try harder. I have a high IQ and was a very good student, and I got into a really good school when I was 11. The workload was high and so were the expectations. Had I come home to my mum, who is supportive and realises the importance of trying your best but not overworking yourself, I think I would have gone far, but instead I had my dad, who wanted me to achieve good grades but still be in bed at 10pm exactly (ie, couldn't stay up 5 minutes later even for coursework, he'd just yell at me for not having done it earlier) and would bring me down for everything I didn't do amazingly well in, the stress got to me. I never had a break so I failed all my subjects, which of course infuriated him more... I had another go at college later and I couldn't deal with that either. But these days I feel so much more motivated to do things like studying and getting a job, because with my mum, sometimes she'll tell me I need to get a job etc but in a reasonable way. Obviously it's good to have a job and an education, but she also lets me live my life and doesn't yell or put me down when I don't succeed. And I feel like I will this time.

 

As for friends, I've had the same friends the entire time and they've been lovely. They said I seemed a lot happier when I moved out of my dad's place. And love... well, I was with a guy I fell in love with, but he got controlling and started telling me how to live my life (like my dad, funnily enough) so that's not to do with the home situation. Some of his complaints were that I was always crying or upset... that was definitely to do with my dad. He complained that I didn't have a job etc so maybe I'll be able to fix that this time. But I picked myself up from that and I think now I'm in a better place to just say no if someone's treating me badly.

 

If your parents were married, did they eventually start to find or discover problems with each other since you weren't there anymore for one or both to emotionally abuse?

 

My parents argued a lot when they still lived together. It was hugely stressful and I was just as upset, distanced and I cried maybe half as much as when my dad was abusive. But at that time he was directing it at my mother. He told her that he wanted more children but not with her because hers hadn't come out right... so I guess effectively, he was abusing me but to her face. She told me recently about some of the rules he used to impose on her about watching TV and such. He always had priority even though she worked as a teacher and did all the housework. She wasn't allowed to sing lullabies to my baby brother if he wanted to sleep. To a baby. Then when she moved out, that's when he became abusive to me, I suppose because I was the woman of the household. So yeah, in reverse order, that's exactly what happened.