Ouch, need to vent, and how do I snap out of it?

[kungfumaster]

After 1.5 months of no contact - it still hurts. I don't know - its

different then at the beginning. At the beginning, I was resolved

to work on myself - to start healing and letting go - I was slowly

gaining strength. I was in pain at the beginning, and I was angry

too, but mostly angry at her just leaving me out to dry.

 

Now, I feel a different kind of pain - I don't know how to describe

it. I feel hurt. I feel hurt whenever I think of how I failed and how she failed at keeping our relationship together. I feel hurt because I feel betrayed, because I had given so much of myself to her, and it all was for nothing. All for nothing. I admit, I did somethings wrong in our relationship, and sometimes I did ask alot from her (like asking her to wait for me until I found a better job in a city closer to her - which I knew could take at least a year) - but I thought we could have made it, I loved her very much, and the distance away from her made me realize I loved her very much, but then in the end, I guess her love for me wasn't strong enough to get through the bumps fate threw our way. She wasn't willing to wait for me, and be patient with my mood swings and other feelings which are bound to come up when you allocate to a different city. I just feel hurt that all that I was planning for us for the future, has all gone down the drain. I feel like someone has actually chopped off a part of me, and I lie wounded, bleeding, and I feel helpless at the loss of that part of me which was so important in my daily functioning, my daily living. Now, I feel like I'm just barely limping, getting through life -eating, watching tv, watching movies, talking to my friends, showering, doing some work. It just feels like I am just going through the motions of being a person, but there is no purpose. When am I going to get over this hurt, and start being my old self again?

 

I know people will just say I need time - it just seems that time goes so slow - it just feels like its dragging - even now, as I sit here in front of my laptop - I have been here a million times now - I will probably be here again tomorrow - I will wake up tomorrow, go to work, think about my past relationship, feel bad about my past relationship, do some more work, eat, go work out, take my shower, think about my relationship again, feel bad again, watch some tv, eat somemore, read my book and then go to bed. It just feels so useless now it seems. And I can't leave for anywhere because I don't have vacation until the end of April. Maybe that's what I should do, just take a big vacation in April.

 

Oh man - why does it still hurt - its not a poignant hurting feeling, more like a slow sort of hurt - it feels like someone is knawing at my heart, taking bits and pieces of it away. I have to snap out of this somehow.

 

I know I have to find some new friends, but its been so hard being in this new city. I have one okay friend so far, but I don't feel close enough to him to feel comfortable about venting my stuff in front of him. I have met some other people too, I don't like them very much. I mean I like to go out, and if they're along that's okay, but I would not choose to go out with them. I just feel kinda stuck. And the city is so small, I can't do much here - its so boring. AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Please, somebody take me away from this place. But I guess its my own fault that I chose to come here for my job. It just kind of sucks because I came out here for my job, and I was so excited about this job, but now that my former love is gone now, I don't feel as excited as I use to. How ironic - in the end, I had to choose between my job and her, and I chose the job - it is a bit simplistic, but maybe its that simple - sure there were alot of issues, insecurities in the relationship, etc., but in the end, I chose to be safe and take the job, instead of staying iwth her in city X, and hoping to find another job for the next year. It was all too complicated - man, why is life so complicated.

 

Sorry guys - I've rambled too much. I just need to vent.

[mahlina]

That's okay...you're just going through the initial shock of the 'grieving process.' Enotalone's got some great articles about it. So you shoudl check it out. It's got detailed info on each stage. I think that you're in the depression stage, which is the 3rd from the last. That's good news right?

 

Bad news is, the depression stage can last a while. In the beginning, it will be acute pain. So, I'm sorry to hear your pain, but the thing that helps most is to stop all contacts (which it sounds like what you're doing)...That's love for you man...That's the price that you pay for loving someone. What an irony.

 

Maybe you should get to know other people, or do things that singles do. Or like you said, take a vacation. You should! Go to Hawaii or something, somewhere, where the atomosphere is calm and serene, yet bright and happy. The islanders there are really nice too. What the heck, you should meet Hawiian ladies! They're gorgeous over there & super sweet! J/K! But yeah, you should vacation there, that is, if tu tienes dinero. (Shooot I wish I did).

 

Or since you've just moved to a new local, get to know it a little better (i.e. sight seeing/house hunting). Whatever you do, keep yourself busy & focus on making your life better. I feel your pain. Best of luck!

[kungfumaster]

Hey thanks Mahlina for your input/advise. Yah - I guess I am in the grieving stage. I have read it in my book on "How to heal after your love relationship ends". I swear, I have just stormed through that book - and it has made me feel a bit better, and I understand alot more what I did and what she did that has led to the destruction of my former love relationship. But nonetheless, I am still grieving - I cannot skip this stage apparently. I guess it is going to take some time, and I should just go with the flow. I just hope they won't fire me from my job because of my low productivity due to my depression - I will just try my best to get myself going again I guess. Another irony - choose your job over your girlfriend, girlfriend dumps you and you feel depressed, depression causes low productivity in job, lose job because of low productivity. Wow, I hope that doesn't happen. If it did, that's one decision I will regret the rest of my life - and the ex will have a nice smile if that happens, so, since I don't want that to happen, I better get myself together - aaaaaahhhhhhhhh! why is it so tough?? - I wish there was a button you could push "heal" - you push it, you heal right away, and your back to your normal self again. But once again, I am rambling on too much again.

 

Have a good night everyone - stay strong - you're all worth it!!

[Hopingpraying]

Kungfu,

 

Unfortunately you cannot skip any of the stages, otherwise you will end up going back and doing it over again. It sucks but it is the way god made us.

The best thing you can do is understand that you will come out of this a better person. I know that going through my divorce I have taken a hard look at myself and made some pretty large changes in my life. I stopped smoking marijuana, I started going to church. I started seeing a therapist. Things I would of never done even six months ago. I guess the ironic thing is I am become the person my wife said she wanted. The probelm with my situation is she thinks she has found the answer to all her problems with another man. Anyways all I am trying to say is you have to go through these stages to come out a better person. Take it a day at a time. You will find another to return the love you so badly want to give. It just takes time to find the right person. I wish you luck.