Is it possible that people who are very attractive have trouble finding someone?

[Anon333]

Charles, I have always been VERY shy and used alcohol to be social and meet people..THat is where Ive met the majority of my boyfriends actually..I know its bad....I have recently gotten better at being social with people, as I got a job that forces me to be socail, but I still think I have trouble feeling comfortable putting myself out there in anyway...Instead I drink too much a make a fool of myself..I do think I am going to lay off the booze for awhile and get my priorities straight...I need some goals...

 

And thanks CoTuner...I feel like on this forum that if I try to defend myself by saying good things about myself and that I am humble, it might have come accross as stuck up..But honestly, people at my work and people thagt know me, see me as pretty quiet and sweet person I think..At least thats what they say....And like I said, a lot of people tell me I am really beautiful, to which I usually blush and dont know what to say back..Im horrible at compliments..But yeah, it is hard to come accross as honest yet the real person I am on here...I am trying to show it from both the inside and outside perspective as best I can...Thank you for the suggestion of staying away from alcohol, I am fully aware of its evils and know I have the same genetics as my dad and mom (both alcoholics)...I usually have a good hold over it and can drink a glass of wine here and there, but times in my life when I am going through turmoil in my head, I tend to let it completely take hold of me, blackouts and all..... Sorry to say....And it only has caused more trouble....

[Batya33]

Anon - it's your choice to limit your options to people who you feel an initial spark with as opposed to not feeling turned off and/or feeling potential for a spark to develop.

 

But, you can't have it both ways, meaning, limiting your options so drastically and then complaining that you can't meet anyone for whom you feel a mutual attraction. You are being your own worst enemy - you are your own major obstacle. I would never advise you to try to force a spark, just to go on at least 4 dates with someone where there was no spark in the beginning but you were not turned off. And to be open minded to the possibility that as you get to know someone a spark can develop.

 

The other issue is that you will often feel an instant spark with someone who is more outgoing, more of a charmer than someone quieter/more reserved because by definition the latter type of person might not choose to let his personality/presense shine through on a first meeting.

 

It's interesting also that you expect to feel an instant spark but also expect that when you are out at a bar and drunk that men will be motivated to ask you out - what if they find it hard to feel a spark with someone who is drunk, because they can't possibly get to know the real, sober you? By definition then they should not give you a chance, right?

[Anon333]

I understand what you are saying Batya, but if I am not attracted to someone at all than I usually know I would not want to be intimate with them...If there was a small chance, I would give a couple dates a try I think..But I rarely have that situation come along..All my past relationships have come out of me hanging out with them and trying to see if my feelings can grow, and before I know it I am in a relationship with them that lasts a year of on and off breaking up and getting back together...Im just more cautious now about falling into a comfort zone of dating someone casually that I will never have that chemistry I want with.....Does that make sense?

[Batya33]

I understand what you are saying Batya, but if I am not attracted to someone at all than I usually know I would not want to be intimate with them...If there was a small chance, I would give a couple dates a try I think..But I rarely have that situation come along..All my past relationships have come out of me hanging out with them and trying to see if my feelings can grow, and before I know it I am in a relationship with them that lasts a year of on and off breaking up and getting back together...Im just more cautious now about falling into a comfort zone of dating someone casually that I will never have that chemistry I want with.....Does that make sense?

 

What I am suggesting is that you change your rigid mindset of "if it's not there from the start it never will be" because that is sabotaging. It also depends what your expectations are of "chemistry" - your excitement over this guy you recently dated probably was fueled by his unavailability - that's not the chemistry of a solid relationship. And I would change the behavior of passively getting involved in a relationship just to be with someone - I suggested going on several dates with someone - not just hanging out - and being open to the possibility of a spark developing - but being an active participant in getting to know the person.

 

Once again, not "trying" to force feelings but creating an environment where you are spending time together to get to know each other. If you don't desire to kiss him after a number of dates then sure it's probably safe to move on.

 

It sounds also like the ways in which you meet men are very limited - clubs, bars, etc. It takes time and effort and expanding outside your comfort zone of "hanging out". For example, community theater is a great way to meet people, as is volunteer work, hiking clubs, etc - what are you doing to meet people and different types of people?

[JadedStar]

You can't just be attractive and expect Mr. perfect to find you , you have to have the ability to like other people. If you aren't willing to get close enough to someone to go beyond superficiality , everyone is only going to seem superficial to you. If you have nothing in common with people then you may need to assimilate a bit. Or if you like your idiosyncrasy better then you need to be comfortable with yourself, and being alone

 

I agree.

 

This whole thing about guys being intimidated by certain women...i think it is b.s. There will always be a man in almost every group bold enough to approach a woman he thinks is good looking. IF a woman is not being approached at all and she thinks she is attractive then instead of feeling her beauty is intimidating she might want to take a look at her actions. Maybe she is hanging at the wrong places or putting off a vibe that suggests she isn't that much of a catch despite her looks.

 

I think women who think they are intimidating men with their looks are looking for excuses for their situation. Unless the women is a super model this is rarely the case. You might find a few men intimdated, but surely not all or even most.

[JadedStar]

What I am suggesting is that you change your rigid mindset of "if it's not there from the start it never will be" because that is sabotaging.

 

It sounds also like the ways in which you meet men are very limited - clubs, bars, etc. It takes time and effort and expanding outside your comfort zone of "hanging out".

 

Totally agree with both of these statements...

[midnightrambler]

I agree.

 

This whole thing about guys being intimidated by certain women...i think it is b.s. There will always be a man in almost every group bold enough to approach a woman he thinks is good looking. IF a woman is not being approached at all and she thinks she is attractive then instead of feeling her beauty is intimidating she might want to take a look at her actions. Maybe she is hanging at the wrong places or putting off a vibe that suggests she isn't that much of a catch despite her looks.

 

I think women who think they are intimidating men with their looks are looking for excuses for their situation. Unless the women is a super model this is rarely the case. You might find a few men intimdating, but surely not all or even most.

 

 

 

if i ever met Katie Couric i would melt like butter....she intimidates me

[JadedStar]

if i ever met Katie Couric i would melt like butter....she intimidates me

 

I do not include celebs in this mix. It is a gimmie that celebs can intimidate many because of the star struck factor. I am referring to everyday women. You might find a few men intimidated by the looks but there are too many take charge men in this world to say that a woman never approached is because of intimidation and looks...yet many women believe this and do nothing to improve their situation. They should be looking at the places they hang out, the type of men they actually choose to pursue, are they putting off an approachable vibe? Are their friends? etc etc. Too many legit factors to be considered here to go down the intimidation route...

[midnightrambler]

I do not include celebs in this mix. It is a gimmie that celebs can intimidate many because of the star struck factor. I am referring to everyday women. You might find a few men intimidated by the looks but there are too many take charge men in this world to say that a woman never approached is because of intimidation and looks...yet many women believe this and do nothing to improve their situation. They should be looking at the places they hang out, the type of men they actually choose to pursue, are they putting off an approachable vibe? Are their friends? etc etc. Too many legit factors to be considered here to go down the intimidation route...

 

thanks for the clarification

[julioiglesia]

Honestly speaking,

 

I didn't read all of the post but I can telll you guys that the initial person who commented that guys are intimidated by her because she is extremely attracted or hard time getting a mate becaues of it, maybe that same person have some insecurity issues for questioning this.

 

example, Aristotle Onassis. youtube him there's a documentary of him. multibilllionaire businessman was able to get whatever he wanted even women. he ended up marrying the widowed jacky kennedy. LOOks wise the documentary emphasized he was short, looked like a toad. bad things. but this mofo was extremly charming CHarming.

 

lesson. looks aren't everything you need to back it up with charm and the conviction that you want to get this person no matter what. stereotype of attractive women is that attractive looks should speak for themselves and magically and magnetically just get the guy effortlessly. the silverspoon theory. I disagree, you are at an advantage because your look will be the envy of 1000 women and the reason the Trojan wars was started.

 

I can guarantee you tonight you'll get a guy if you say, "I want to learn more about this thing you know best..... and meet me at the coffee shop or seomthign"

 

 

 

Attraction, just because you think you are attractive (or the definition of attractivness in our society) it doesn't mean a guy will find you attractive. Maybe you are the eyecandy type that guys just want to fantasize about you.

 

Stereotype, guys because of their prior experiences going back from their younger days know that attractive girls only go for attractive 'popular' guys so the older the average guy gets he will realize not to waste his time pursuing this attractive girl because in his equation, that is not meant to be.

 

Inimidation factor, nobody wants to play with you if you constantly wander around with a t shirt of "i hate men", you need to reinvent yourself and sport the "girl next door" look that millions of millions of men can relate to and will make you 10000 times more approachable. and you can still be attractive.

 

Brain factor: you need to read and be smart too. guys hate pretty outside and nothing inside and he'll reciprocate based on that. and attract the type of man you are portraying yourself. if you are all looks and no brain. guy with attractive brains will find you attractive but in the long run will abandon you. so you got to have some brains to back it up.

 

mama's boy factor: i think some guys fit this criteria. if you emulate a mom, you won' be intimidating. except you'll turn into a milf.

 

my post may not make sense and it will self destruct if you find it irritating

[Anon333]

I understand what you all are saying...I hope you know I posted this thread in response to what the guy from my work said about me intimidating men..I think he meant it not just cause he thinks I'm attractive, but maybe cause I am shy as well..I know for sure finding the right person is not just about looks. I am not shallow, and I know from my own personal attraction to people, it has more to do with their personality..SO I know it goes the same way with me...You all could be right that I dont project the right thing to people...Batya, I am not purposely closed minded, but I really have tried giving things a try with some people that I hoped to find a connection or attraction to, and it usually backfired on me..I think it is because of the type of person I am. I am not a super social person, I am somewhat shy, and to go on a couple dates with someone I didnt even see as a potential boyfriend would probably be agonizing for me in terms of social anxiety and nerves and feeling uncomfortable. Maybe that is something I need to work on, but I have never really done the official dating thing...I dont know..I think I just have to be happy being single and hope I can work on my social issues and make more friends...

[julioiglesia]

being intimidating is a relative term. the men you see are lil boys that is why lol. maybe you should meet real men who gives you credit for being intimidating and likes it.

a girl with a stone cold conviction can be a sexy trademark. i dislike the wishwashy types who got no backbones.

[columbine]

hey hun,

I'm a similar case. I know it sounds painfully indulgent but i have been told I'm the type of girl who intimidates guys. I know I'm attractive because men always stare at me. But i don't get a buzz off it, I don't even notice it because NO ONE ever approaches me!

 

It truly depresses me, I've been single for ages. the only guys who have come onto me recently have been the drunkest, sleaziest ones and I'm not interested in that.

 

In a different post i wrote that i have feelings for someone who i can't get over, and the fact that no one approaches me does not help me move on!

 

My self worth is down the pan