Is it possible that people who are very attractive have trouble finding someone?

[Anon333]

Just wondering...Ive been single for a year or more, I have guys who are interested in me, but I havent been interested in any...I have had guy friends tell me how attractive I am and I should never settle for someone..Last night a guy I work with told me he couldnt believe I was even interested in this guy (one I have been posting about and sad about)..He said I was one of those really attractive girls that doesnt realize it, and that I intimidate guys. He also said he mentioned to people at my work about how beautiful I was and they all agreed...Kinda weird..I know....But it really was a great compliment after feeling so down..I also had a friend tell me I should be dating the hottest guy in town cause Im so beautiful....I think I pretty, but not amazing like people say..ANd some days I think am ugly.....But, I have totally had no luck with men...This last guy I really really liked, but he just couldnt get over his ex and wasnt into me...I know attraction isnt everything, but I just dont get why I am so unlucky in love, with even just average looking guys.......I consider myself funny, humble, kind, undrstanding and down to earth.....I dunno..Its frustrating....

[littlestar]

Looks dont count for much. Someone can be the most attractive person in looks but if their personality/morals/standards dont match up it doesnt mean anything.

 

I used to be one to go for all the looks. I've had to many bad experiences with the "hot" ones. And now days look for whats on the inside rather than the outside.

 

Just coz someone is very attractive doesnt make them exempt from having relationship troubles and finding a suitable partner.

 

Lust is one thing but love and lasting together for a life time require much more than physical attraction.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sometimes it takes a while for things to click.

 

You haven't been interested in anyone and the one guy you have been interested in was emotionally unavailable. Going out with any of these guys would be settling.

 

Wait till you find someone you like. Then worry about attraction.

[Anon333]

thanks...I think I have a good personality, but I know that it is up to things working from both sides....I've also been going out and drinking too much recently and feel frustrated and want to stop doing it..But I cant go out without drinking....Anyway, thats off topic...I just didnt know if it is true what that guy at my work said..guys are intimidated by me..Is that possible? If so, why would an average guy that I really liked and we had fun together, blow me off...I dunno....Nothing ever works out for me...Ill be single forever maybe...........And all the while Ill have friends and people telling me Im beautiful and not to settle, meanwhile Im locked away in my room on ENA...

[DaBladeRoden]

Hmm, I think you need a bigger sample size. That one incident shouldn't speak for all average men. Being unable to get over one's ex is probably a bigger force than any amount of physical attractiveness can counter.

[Anon333]

Thanks..I guess I just need to stop being so self destructive with drinking and stop this cycle I have and be more confident....I know it sounds strange, but even with all these guys liking me and telling me Im pretty and beautiful, I still feel crappy about myself.....I guess I should try to go back to being happy and single....

[Blue Streak]

Very possible. Attractiveness is an aspect of a person, it's not necessarily reality. Self perception is your strongest and/or weakest ally. Make sure you are being truthful to yourself. If you are not, you will pay now and pay even more down the road.

 

Why can't you go out without drinking? It is not acceptable by your amigos? It is really not off topic. Insecurity inhibits your perception of reality. Most peeps drink to conform with the masses.

 

You won't be single forever. You are are in the learning process. You need to stop comparing yourself to others. You need to find you, what you are about, what you want in your life, and open ultimately open yourself to understanding.

[sff123]

humble

 

.................... i lol'd

[Anon333]

Thanks Blue Streak.....yeah..Im kinda lost right now..and things not working out with that last guy really knocked me off my track of figuring things out, and I suddenly felt so lonely and so single, I went out New Years and drank till I blacked out and did the same last night...I have alcoholism in my family, and I have been known to drink too much....I have been so good since I moved to this new town, no one knew what a drunk I was, but now I guess I am doing it all over again...I think part of it is social anxiety as well..But that has gotten better for me..Im just lonely I think and it fills a void..But then I wake up the next day and remember (or dont remember) what a drunk I was....I just dont know where I am going with my life....It seems my emotions are so easily influenced,,I have history of depression.....I wish I was motivated and had goals..But I dont even know what I want..I guess this is really off topic...

[Anon333]

sff...I am humble...The only reason I write this post is cause so many people like me and tell me I am pretty, but I dont in any way feel like that or act stuck up in any way....I actually feel more rejected from the one person I did like..I dunno..Am I coming accross as stuck up?

[sff123]

it must be so hard having all these ugly people tell you you're pretty. cant they tell that you only talk to them because you're so humble

[Anon333]

thats not so nice......They are not ugly, I just dont feel a connection with them and dont want to lead them on.....Why the mean sarcasm? I am just stating it is frustrating to be told you are good looking and yet always be the lonley single one...

[sff123]

You can't just be attractive and expect Mr. perfect to find you , you have to have the ability to like other people. If you aren't willing to get close enough to someone to go beyond superficiality , everyone is only going to seem superficial to you. If you have nothing in common with people then you may need to assimilate a bit. Or if you like your idiosyncrasy better then you need to be comfortable with yourself, and being alone

[Anon333]

I try to connect with people and be open minded just like everyone else....You are right there is something off inside of me that may not be helping a situation..But it is more like low self esteem or social anxiety, depression....etc....I am not in anyway sitting around waiting for someone to impress me....I havent had a relationship OR sex in over a year, and at this point, I am getting frustrated...I dont want to be with someone just to be with them, and if I know someone really likes me and I am not feeling the same way, I dont wat to lead them on my trying to get to know them more and being their friend..In my experience you cant force attraction or a relationship....And I mean attraction in the least superficial way....I have weird taste in men anyway...

[sff123]

I've gone longer than a year without a relationship. It's possible that problem isn't actually inability to find a relationship but inability to cope without one. I can't judge what's normal though. I don't think it's leading someone on to try to date them and get to know them better and that helps deal with things like social anxiety and depression because you're more used to socializing with someone and have things to do with your life. You could also just try and make more platonic friends and eventually something might spark and if not you shouldn't feel lonely if you have an engaging social life even without a boyfriend (or at least not more lonely then is to be expected of anyone).

[EWJ]

Anon, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I get told all the time how good looking I am and I know of alot of different girls who have a thing for me. This has helped alot with my confidence which I have had issues with that I am just starting to get over. I have also been told that I am imtimidating, even going as far as to have a girl tell me I was too good looking and that if we were together she would constantly worry about girls hitting on me. I have found out about friends and people I would see all the time who had feelings for me but were afraid say something. However unlike you since I am the guy I am expected to be the one to pursue which I have never been quite confident in doing. Also if by chance I do manage to get something started with a girl I have yet to have it turn in to something serious. There is always some third force that we can't control that stops anything from happening.

[mr me]

I dont really see it all you said was that alot of people said you were beautiful. You didnt say that you looked better than anyone. I just wasnt sure when you said you couldnt even get an average looking guy kinda dont know if thats just honesty or maybe some immaturity. I dont see that being so big of a problem because people can show little things here or there but that doesnt make them that way in general. I guess ill get back to what i really wanted to say. I think being attractive doesnt necessarily mean everyone is gonna throw themselves at you. I myself have had high standards or just look for looks as well as personality so i dont really see alot of that. It almost makes me question myself because i feel lonely sometimes because i cant seem to find anyone. The whole being intimidated is just about people feeling like you might reject them because they see it like you look better than they do so they dont have a chance. I guess i kinda have a different problem because usually when i do find someone i do like i just go for it but i dont really always hold back because maybe it still isnt a good choice for me or it might not work out still. It also makes me like them too much but thats just me. I think this time that you have been alone maybe could give you some time to work on yourself. I dont think you have to stop what your doing in general but certain things you might be able to turn them around or improve them.

 

I would maybe try to look elsewhere for people because maybe that might help. So i would start with anything you like and see if you can go somewhere that involves that but other people might be around. Also maybe try something new or different. I think just being open to it happening might help. The whole family history of alcoholism and depression might have some underlying issues that maybe you dont see. Your brain might be telling yourself things that could be negative to your self image. I guess its really just up to you to see how things are in your life and what you can do to deal with it.

[Batya33]

In your first post you wrote that "I know attraction isn't everything" - in the context of looks. That's a narrow minded view in my opinion because looks are often a very small part of attraction - especially attraction that lasts beyond a drunken conversation.

 

I personally find drunk people unattractive in the sense of wanting to get to know them for dating/potential relationships so I don't think the issue is that you're intimidating when you go out to bars.

 

It also depends what you want - do you really feel that if you're not with a "hot" guy you'd be settling? You commented several times about the guy you dated for a short time that he was not that attractive and/or that you knew you could do better in the looks department. Get very clear about what your priorities are - if "hotness" is a priority - that's fine, but then you may have to lower your standards in other areas whether that be personality, sense of humor, intelligence, etc.

 

And yes I would work on the drinking problem - maybe go to an AA meeting or three.

[Anon333]

Thanks everyone...I think I have come accross as shallow in this post...And I honestly dont think I am....When I say attraction, I dont mean looks....And I am the last person who is looking for some hot looking guy...I find average looking guys with alot of character and good personality most attractive...As for my drinking too much...I am embarrassed and know it is ugly to see people drunk, and I think I probably turned a few people off the other night, and pray I dont run into them...Makes me want to get my priorities straight...

 

Anyway, thank you all for responding...I think it is true, I have to be happy being single again..I think I suddenly hated being single because of the situation I had with finally meeting someone I liked and it not working...It kinda threw me back and made me want to have that feeling, which I never had mutually.....I know attraction is more about personality and confidence and being happy with myself, so I guess thats what I need to work on....I just had to ask the question about attraction because of what the guy at my work said, about people being too intimidated by me and that I was like the hot girl that doesnt know she is hot....I definitely am not stuck up or think I am the s*** or anything. I think the people who like me dont just liek me for my looks...I think they think I am a good person, which I believe I am....I dunno...I just need to work on myself more I guess...

[Anon333]

Miss Kitty youre a sweetheart...Im just frustrated I guess like other single people...No sex and no intimacy with someone for over a year can suddenly feel overwhelming sometimes...And I know there will always be people who want to be with you that you just dont feel the same about, and vice versa, so that is frustrating too..It just seems so rare to find mutual attraction.....Never has really happened...

[Batya33]

Do you find any relevance in the fact that you found mutual attraction with someone who from the beginning wasn't "that" into you as far as his actions? I thought you posted that from the beginning he wasn't that consistent about asking you out and you did more hanging out/hooking up than going out. If I'm wrong, you might also want to consider whether your attraction was fueled knowing that he was fresh out of a relationship - a bit of a challenge? Is that true of other mutual attraction situations - the man is a challenge for whatever reason?

 

I don't think mutual attraction is that surprising - look at all the couples around you - what is difficult is to have a thick skin about dating so that you don't waste time pining over someone who wasn't interested after a short dating relationship (or focusing energy on trying to win that person back) or having the mindset that mutual attraction requires an instantaneous spark upon meeting the person - that certainly limits your options.

[brandnew1]

anon, been through the SAME situation. i've heard the same things from my friends and guy friends and yet i never get asked out on dates or anything. it's really frustrating. im also in the same situation with the whole drinking problem. i think for me it goes back to insecurity and being sad for my recent break up and feeling like no one that i am interested in will like me again (if i can even ever find someone i am 100% interested in).

 

 

i dont think you're being stuck up at all. ive thought these same things for awhile.

[CharlesF]

I think you are too shy and don't meet enough guys.

[COtuner]

Anon - for what it's worth, I don't think you're being stuck up. Given that this is an online forum and it's hard to figure out how to present yourself.... you can only give your own thoughts and how people have described you. Unless of course you want to film some of your life and post it for everyone to judge (j/k)

 

If I described myself only as I sometimes see myself, you'd only see my ugly insecurities personified.

 

to your post... maybe you'll feel better if you stay away from the darker alcohol serving establishments for a while. Do you have a dog? You could go out to a dog park or something. Hang out at local events or whatever, things that give you potential topics of conversation. Just for a little while until you stop focusing on the couples.

[Anon333]

brandnew..Thanks..Its good to know Im not the only one in the same situation....Although I dont wish this situation on you...You are younger than me, and I do feel like this has been an ongoing cycle that keep thinking Ive learned from....But then something goes wrong with a relationship and I kinda fall apart emotionally..The only hting that has changed kinda is that I have chosen not to fall into a relationship that is not right for me..This usually happens because I try to give someone I like a chance and it turns into a relationship I never really felt that spark, or connection with....In my experience, opposite of what Batya says, if I initially dont feel anything, I never end up feeling it..It hascaused grief from both sides trying to make something work that I dont feel 100 percent about...That is why I have changed to not being with anyone unless I feel that "spark", some people may disagree and maybe Ill never meet someone who I feel that mutual attraction with, but I think it is my only option at this point....