Moto Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I figured this is something I would like to share. Possibly the easiest piece poetry I ever wrote. I have edited this over the years to keep it up to date, it is nothing like it used to be... Today I rewrote it to be quite shorter, about a quarter of the length, as most of it did not really apply to who I am today. Enjoy, and I enjoy constructive criticism as long as it's not about oxford comma's or anything too literary. ----------------------------- * * * * you Jason S*****s ----------------------------- Look at you in your shell. Afraid to let anyone in for what might be chimed. You're mean, quite often obscene; hiding in your quiet revelry, afraid of propriety. You escape through a virtual world, forgetting that you are in fact not a digital manifestation of awe inspiring power, but a man of the hour. It is you whom you've forgot, far from what you sought. Your judgmental eyes are all that you despise. Your all knowing hand sweeps through nations labeling individuals you have not yet met. Ready to call upon your own sheer willpower to perform acts of a god that you don't even believe or perceive; agnostic yet full of theistic literary rhetoric. You don't see god yet don't disprove him as with life and love he flows through your veins while you're busy being vain. Is love god? Thoughts flow through you ever so freely, yet even you don't believe in me. Love and the feelings inspired by that just might be me, what more proof do you need? You're so occupied by emotions forgetting your devotion, fueled by murderous filigree in this industrious sea. You're as evasive as the female orgasm, and filled with pretentious stoicism. You and I both know you have trouble in each department, so why try to come out of your apartment? Sterile and unable to bring life, you choose strife. The definition of manhood is not to plant your seed, it is to help those in need. You're as shallow as a shower and twice the vice; without even a poetic device. Attempts to make yourself seem prodigious leave others oblivious. You cut off your lifeline to reality in order to establish a mentality. Shock and awe are best left to the entertainment industry, for all you know you will end up in a refinery. Over the next few thousand years, although yet still unclear a purpose will be fulfilled even after you're long forgotten. Function without friction and jurisdiction; live for the moment and enjoy this atonement. Now * * * * you Jason S*****s, make a difference instead of a reference. ----------------------------- End ----------------------------- I quite enjoy writing self evaluations... It keeps me down to earth, and makes me realize my mistakes. Figured I'd share this one with the world even though I'm not too happy with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Don't be so quick to condemn yourself based on your judgements of others. You may be just very good and quick at evaluating others. The wrong thing is condemnation, but judgement is essential to a life well lived. As long as you believe that people can overcome their present circumstances, it's more than ok to honor your perceptions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moto Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 It feels very hypocritical of me to not condemn myself for it though. My initial perception, and evaluation of a person has never failed me... Nor has my gut feeling when I know something is going to go terribly wrong on days my world falls apart... I find it very easy to pick up on someone's personality, and end up reading them like a book. It's almost frightening when I attempt to give things a chance, and my initial gander into their person turns out to be ever so true. I do believe people can overcome anything if they have the willpower, but that is also where I'm a bit hard on myself because I feel I can tell who will and who won't, and that's what puts me in said place... It also makes me feel like I'm more pretentious than I wish to believe. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 You may be a good guesser about who can change and who can't or who will and who won't, but as long as people are still breathing they will surprise you when you least expect it. Nobody can predict the future with absolute accuracy, remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Moto, moto, moto!! Where have you been? *checks user profile*...or really more like, where have I been? Okay, now that my giddy greetings and ditzy hoopla is out of the way for seeing an old friend and feeling sooo happy about that (but gee, I think of you often and wonder what's happening)... I think this is some really penetrating stuff...and my question is, do you actually believe all of these harsh recriminations about yourself are accurate? For instance, that you are "pretentiously stoic", or "shallow" (as a shower)? Somehow, I don't see you that way at all. I think the ending line is very sobering and perfect as is. BAM! Now, since a good piece does deserve a little artistic critique...in the paragraph about not believing in god (ha, you and me both not capitalizing that word)...you're talking in second person but I think the voice is that of god, correct? But the rest of the piece is you talking to yourself, so that just confused me a wee bit... And I've saved the most trivial thing for last but do you mean "elusive" female orgasm, or "evasive"? Heheh, I guess they could be both, huh? Really, top notch though, and I go back to my poetry as well and revise and revise over years, too, so that's both of us! It's a great thing to do. On the other hand...maybe that's why things are only rarely published. *sigh* Oh, it's so great to see you...I better catch up on your latest.... xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 It feels very hypocritical of me to not condemn myself for it though. My initial perception, and evaluation of a person has never failed me... Nor has my gut feeling when I know something is going to go terribly wrong on days my world falls apart... I find it very easy to pick up on someone's personality, and end up reading them like a book. It's almost frightening when I attempt to give things a chance, and my initial gander into their person turns out to be ever so true. I'm very much the same way. I think some people are just born with a very keen sense of intuition...but somehow, that seems often to go hand-in-hand with people who also self-rate harshly and self-examine, because I think it takes such a fine radar to pick up signals, we also pick up our own signals and become highly aware. The key is that fine line between self-examination and self-flagellation. It's a blessing and curse to have such a strong sense of intuition...mostly because you've got to have an enormous amount of self-confidence to respect your instincts. And if you don't have that self-confidence (which is also humble and circumspect at the same time), you end up second-guessing every goddamn thing you think or do. And that then degenerates into frantic speculation, rumination, and trying to project what we want onto someone perhaps, rather than what is really there. Or do you experience that? I have this horrible problem which seems to be getting worse, the more I feel sensitive to others around me, for some reason I am more prone to doubt little nuances and feel like I'm driving myself crazy. When really, the gut thing was right all along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moto Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Very wise words ready. I'm positive they will stick with me, and thank you ever so much. Hi ToV, I've been around the bend, back again... Here, there, everywhere but with no apparent purpose. Living it up and attempting to get my path finalized for the moment. Had a bit of a long distance relationship going on, and got dumped right before she was getting on the plane to come here for Christmas; a very wonderful holiday season I must say. Actually... The strange part is maybe this piece of writing is the only hurt I feel, or have felt since the day after. Ever flowing like the endless river, or so I'd like to think. How bout yourself? I also noticed that I switched perspective... I ended up liking it as that paragraph was meant to throw people off. Part of being full blown "agnostic", to attempt to symbolize how that part of my life leaves me confused also; as a belief system is always something hard to establish. Does it make sense with the symbolic purposes revealed? Oh, and I meant elusive... I think it's fun to look back on things you've done over the years, and rewrite the idea in an entirely new voice. Cross compare it, and enjoy what you've become. I thought everyone I knew here was long lost, very pleasant surprise ToV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Here, there, everywhere but with no apparent purpose. Living it up and attempting to get my path finalized for the moment. Wow, I don't think I could sum up what my own situation is better than this. You and me, both, then! Although...I think I run into trouble every time I try to "finalize" my plans or path...I'm in a really flux-y state of being right now...but then again, that seems to be the way things go for me. I get into a groove, and next thing you know...I'm back to the drawing board. So I'm decidedly not making any New Years resolutions...I'm just going to keep the irons in the fire that are there and follow whichever ones seem to be taking shape the best (or do irons take shape, haha?) Aw, I'm so sorry you've had this latest grief...long distance relationships can be so hard, I know that from mine, that last one (which is still the one from way back in '07...yeah, it's been a looong dry spell for me!!). It's just about a year that you've been here, I see...so that was about the duration of your time with her? But you sound more at peace, though...even though Christmas is such an awful time to experience a loss! Again, I'm sorry! ((hugs)) It sounds like you are more concerned though this time about your life's direction than wondering where the relationship went wrong...which is really in ways, a mercy, if that's the case. Because as much as I, myself, am struggling right now with my rightful purpose and direction in life at this juncture, somehow losing one's compass in a wrong relationship truly does take the most out of me. And it sounds like she hasn't left you in a shambles... Hmm, that's a hard question about your reasoning behind that shift in perspective, in that paragraph. I see what you mean about the symbolism. I get you. And that's tricky, because in my own poems I often do that, too -- create an inner meaning for something that has a lot of significance, and it's often the result of a "happy accident". And it's a choice between clarity for the reader, and keeping something that means something to me that is an "inside" reference but that others might not get. I think only you can make that judgement call, but my feeling about it is that it's a bit of a stumbling block in the reading...I keep going back and forth between "me" and "you" and wondering who's who...which may be also nifty for the symbolism, but the question is if the reader is not aware of what's going on, they can't appreciate it and the flow of your piece is broken in the meantime. I think the right balance is switching it up somehow so that the audience is aware of the idea of contradiction and ambiguity while you are expressing it to them. So maybe you can work out how to slip in some hint in a way that helps them recognize that symbolism without outright either baffling them or telling them bluntly. Just my two cents, as I do love to hone the craft! Oh, no, I'm not long lost, here...I've been around. Quite a bit, actually...just on totally different forums. I haven't had any new relationship fiascos since the last (good on the no fiascos, but not good on the no relationships), mostly because I've really been apathetic about getting back into the game. Mostly, I'm feeling that what I need and want is simply too hard to find. Nothing ventured though, nothing gained, right? Though I've had my hands full with other important relationships and connections... And I'm also just getting back into trying to find all the long lost people! So, you are accounted for, now! I hope you stick around here for a while yet, to see more of you...too bad we only meet when we're down on our luck here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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