EQD Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 nah, you are just bored. thats what it sounds like anyway. if you stick someone in a closet with a marble what do you think they will end up doing? playing with the marble. But if you give them a nintendo wii then they will probably play with that instead.. and find it more interesting to boot. you have to make your nintendo wii. move on with your life, you already know whats a dead end so now try clearing a path of progressiveness. dont think 'date' think 'LIVE' life is about you, not romance and not boyfriends and not little annoying marbles that roll around and keep you upset and conflicted. live your life for you. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Right on..You are so right..I am bored with my life and have no direction right now and have not been able to figure it out....I really think the reason I am hung up on this guy is cause I have nothing going on in my life...Gotto work on that! Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 thanks grymoire...Ive had crushes where I kissed the person or something small happened, but nothing came of it..That was hard to get over when I really liked the person..But I never met someone I dated and got to know and felt that strong passion and affection toward, thought they might feel the same, and then it ends...Never had that..I guess there is alway some new painful situation around each corner..When will the new good stuff happen..Never? its a matter of me accepting something I cannot put too much reasoning into..If I try to reason it, it will be that he didnt like me or my personality and that will just make me feel like crap..... The ones that I have bolded in red are the source of your trouble. It was mine as well..... I assumed that she felt the same way I felt for her..... I was terrified at the possibility of she not liking me the way I like her.... And then I realized that after the Blame, Bargaining, Anger, and Depression stage comes the last and final stage - Acceptance. This is the stage where you see things as they stand in reality and finally understand that the person you like does not like you in the same way. I can either accept it now and move on with my life and to some one else that deserves my love OR I can continue to delude myself thinking that she must like me and waste more of my life and time. The choice is clearly ours. I know for sure that if a person likes us they will be with us, not with somebody else! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I've commented on your other threads but you seem stuck on this idea that just because there is initial chemistry and just because that chemistry endures for a short period of time, that means that there is potential for something longer term. Many many dating relationships end in the first few months because the intense chemistry doesn't translate into long term potential for whatever reason. I think his ex, his grandmother dying were reasons he didn't continue to ask you out on dates, but I think the main reason is that he wasn't sufficiently interested in a relationship with you and chose to let those other reasons be the reason. That is putting it in the best possible light - meaning he was totally honest about his reasons and perhaps not honest with himself that he was relying on those reasons because he didn't want to admit he wasn't that into you - even to himself. What is more likely to me is that he wasn't that into you, didn't want to unnecessarily hurt you and thereforee used the death in his family and the ex as an excuse. I say that because the way he is acting now - and the way he acted after things ended is far more consistent with this theory than with someone who wants to do his best to make sure that his special lady will wait for him until he is ready again. Since you dated him such a short time I wouldnt' take it personally. I'll also reiterate that you need to stop focusing so strongly on these initially strong sparks as an indication of strong potential for the future - as compared to feeling less of a spark - or only potential for a spark - with someone and choosing to continue to get to know the person and see what develops. You seem stuck on this notion that the stronger the initial spark is the more potential there is for the future. It's true that it's easier to be with someone initially when there's this intense spark - you just float along - but if what you really want is something long term you're barking up the wrong tree if you have this rigid requirement that he has to knock your socks off from the beginning -- or if you believe that if you knock his socks off in the beginning, he's yours. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'll also reiterate that you need to stop focusing so strongly on these initially strong sparks as an indication of strong potential for the future - as compared to feeling less of a spark - or only potential for a spark - with someone and choosing to continue to get to know the person and see what develops. You seem stuck on this notion that the stronger the initial spark is the more potential there is for the future. It's true that it's easier to be with someone initially when there's this intense spark - you just float along - but if what you really want is something long term you're barking up the wrong tree if you have this rigid requirement that he has to knock your socks off from the beginning -- or if you believe that if you knock his socks off in the beginning, he's yours. On a general note though Batya, lot of people decide to date a person or not purely based on that initial spark, is it not? However great a guy might be the girl is not going to say 'yes' for the first date if she did not feel the spark. How many people look into the future as opposed to the feelings they experience at the moment? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 On a general note though Batya, lot of people decide to date a person or not purely based on that initial spark, is it not? However great a guy might be the girl is not going to say 'yes' for the first date if she did not feel the spark. How many people look into the future as opposed to the feelings they experience at the moment? That hasn't been true in my experience. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 On a general note though Batya, lot of people decide to date a person or not purely based on that initial spark, is it not? However great a guy might be the girl is not going to say 'yes' for the first date if she did not feel the spark. How many people look into the future as opposed to the feelings they experience at the moment? This is exactly what I was gonna ask Batya as well. I have been turned down by quite a no. of men b'coz "they didn't feel the spark on 1st date". Honestly, many or I should say most people believe that they need to feel that instant connection in order to have a successful relationship. So, they keep shopping around until they feel that way about someone. Link to comment
COtuner Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 That hasn't been true in my experience. I'll admit the intial spark is important for me. All the guys I have been in relationships with had this instant chemistry develop with me. Even the guys I'm just good friends with - there's some sort of chemistry there too almost right away. Link to comment
COtuner Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Right on..You are so right..I am bored with my life and have no direction right now and have not been able to figure it out....I really think the reason I am hung up on this guy is cause I have nothing going on in my life...Gotto work on that! That and maybe no closure. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'll admit the intial spark is important for me. All the guys I have been in relationships with had this instant chemistry develop with me. Even the guys I'm just good friends with - there's some sort of chemistry there too almost right away. I either needed that or potential for a spark- meaning, I didn't feel it the first time we met but I wasn't turned off either - in those cases I decided to give it a chance and if by the fourth date I could not imagine kissing the person and enjoying it, it was over. Seems arbitrary but to me personally going out with someone four times to see if a spark developed wasn't leading on, and wasn't a waste of time. One of my most intense relationships chemistry-wise - didn't really feel it on the first date but the second - could not believe what that was like - totally out of left field. I had a friend years ago who had a great marriage - she said she had no interest in her husband romantically the first four dates and then boom it was there. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Honestly, all my past relationships have failed horribley because there was no spark, which translates into attraction...And I never ended up feeling it even after trying to give it time..These are people I liked and considered awesome people, but it all ended up bad...Since having a string of failed relationships like this, I refuse to even TRY to find a spark..I need it right away..The problem is..Ive only felt it once or twice in my life..and this guy was one o f them...Oh well....I am moving on and get the clue he wasnt into me..No more even trying to figure it out... Link to comment
paperneck Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 i believe a new crush is a very healthy thing. it helps you move on. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 That and maybe no closure. but if they went out only for a few dates does he really owe her an answer much less closure? I would guess not. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I either needed that or potential for a spark- meaning, I didn't feel it the first time we met but I wasn't turned off either - in those cases I decided to give it a chance and if by the fourth date I could not imagine kissing the person and enjoying it, it was over. Seems arbitrary but to me personally going out with someone four times to see if a spark developed wasn't leading on, and wasn't a waste of time. One of my most intense relationships chemistry-wise - didn't really feel it on the first date but the second - could not believe what that was like - totally out of left field. I had a friend years ago who had a great marriage - she said she had no interest in her husband romantically the first four dates and then boom it was there. Thank you. This answered my Q. I find this helpful. Link to comment
skittlesfae Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 you can be with someone for 25 years and they will all of a sudden drop out and do what he is doing. you should try and recognize that there are never guarantees. Goes to what I was planning on replying with, thank you. ;] [btw this is my first post here... So feel lucky, OP, you just made me break my post virginity right here and now... Sort of like another virginity I just lost yesterday..... buuut back to my 'you but sort of me' topic] I was with this one guy for 2 and a half years. Amazing two and a half years. Somewhere along the way though, I wasn't as 'into' him as all that any more, almost broke up with him a few times, finally did it about uh 4 months ago now? Yeah. Anyway. I tried contacting him [totally friendly hello how are you what's been up] and he was all torn up about it, obviously still had feelings for me. Didn't call him til Christmas, yknow wish him a Merry howdy doo how are you, again torn up about it. All I wanted was to keep a wonderful friend that for a while there was my ONLY and closest friend. Buuut after about 30 minutes of slightly strained conversation, we got off the phone. Then not even 15 minutes later, he calls back, to tell me to please never call again he had almost gotten over me til I called... He never once bothered talking to me except those two times I called. Moral of the overly long story [that still has more to be said about on my own post] is that, maybe he still has feelings for you and cares about you, and it's too hard for him to do much more than a simple Hello how are you? [not saying for you to think that, cuz then you'll just be waiting for the less simple indepth might-not-happen event of him actually talking to you...] But, try giving him some space, when you feel like you want to text him or call him or talk to him, try to come up with something else to do instead. Read a book, draw, whatever you like to do. Talk to a friend you trust, tell them about wanting to contact the person, talk to them about it and make sure they know you want to but don't want to for his sake... Just a few suggestions. Try waiting to see if he tries contacting you, maybe after a while of trying to not give in, send him a quick hello text, but don't expect anything. If you feel you might expect any more than a simple Hi or even nothing at all, I wouldn't bother sending him anything til you accept that he might not. Gah that turned out longer than I expected. Its 3am and I need sleep! [see what you did, you took from my own post about myself that i was wanting to make! SHame on you. ;P ] -skittles Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 HI, has anyone dated someone briefly (a few weeks to a month) and then it didnt work out for one reason or the other and then when they see you or you contact them loosely in a friendly way they avoid you or ignore you? That's the world of relationships for you. We meet, we love....and NOBDOY is obligated, obliged, etc, etc to stay with us. If they were, we'd all still he happily hooked up, with our first love. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 but if they went out only for a few dates does he really owe her an answer much less closure? I would guess not. I can't understand it when people say they want closure... The fact the guy has done a 'runner' and is avoiding her like the plague, would give me all the closure I needed. Link to comment
skittlesfae Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I can't understand it when people say they want closure... The fact the guy has done a 'runner' and is avoiding her like the plague, would give me all the closure I needed. Well... I honestly would prefer some closure over things being just sort of... yknow, left with loose ends? It's like, sewing up a hole in something but forgetting to knot the end, I think... It depends on where the hole is that determines how bad it sucks. [if that makes any sense... I tend to converse solely in analagies at times, and they don't always make sense to everyone or even anyone.] Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I don't think someone "tries" to find a "spark" - you do your best to be open to people, to be open to feeling a spark, to create an environment where that can happen - a comfortable one. Just because you've dated some people where a spark didn't develop doesn't mean it can't happen with someone else. To me it's a fairly lazy/cop-out attitude to insist that you feel a strong spark right off the bat - and you end up foregoing what could be amazing relationships just because you insist that it needs to be like a car wash and wash over you whether or not you know anything about the person. And of course it's far easier to feel an intense spark for someone you barely know because then you can rely on the idealized image. You remind me of a friend who insisted that sex happen right away with a new person and if it wasn't amazing it meant that the relationship was doomed - and she ended it right away. She really wants a long term relationship. The last one she had was in the mid-1990s with a married man who committed suicide. She is now in her late 40s. Nothing wrong with finding love later in life - but with her attitude I am not surprised that she hasn't and that she is bitter about men. Be careful. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 i agree and use batyas 3-4 date rule for sparks. the guy i am with now we didnt really click at all on the first date. i will even go so far as to say 'i wasnt feeling it' but the second date three months later is another story.. and he's actually the most compatable person i've ever been with. had i not met up with him again i would have been missing out on a great thing. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 i agree and use batyas 3-4 date rule for sparks. the guy i am with now we didnt really click at all on the first date. i will even go so far as to say 'i wasnt feeling it' . what was he feeling on the first date? Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Well... I honestly would prefer some closure over things being just sort of... yknow, left with loose ends? It's like, sewing up a hole in something but forgetting to knot the end, I think... It depends on where the hole is that determines how bad it sucks. [if that makes any sense... I tend to converse solely in analagies at times, and they don't always make sense to everyone or even anyone.] Well if I'd had to want closure from guys I've been involved with, I'd be still sat around waiting for it. Sometimes we just don't get it and so we have no option but to move on and take it for what it was, a break up. I've been involved with guys and it only lasted a short while. I think most people have. I never took it bad or hard, nor remained bitter about it....accepted it for what it was and put it down to life experience. Some people we click with and others we don't and no matter how hard we try, we can't ignite a spark...so we don't and won't stick around. You will meet someone eventually and with whom a spark and feelings will be mutual Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I can't understand it when people say they want closure... The fact the guy has done a 'runner' and is avoiding her like the plague, would give me all the closure I needed. Well, getting closure helps. If a man would put it in straight honest words why he thinks he doesn't want to see me anymore, I would find it very helpful. But like you said, the fact that he just doesn't want to talk to her should tell her that he is done. I would feel hurt, just like OP did, but instead of being avoided, I'd rather start to move on. I'm someone who feels answerable. Thats me. I'd atleast say something before closing things off for good but I've realized that all people are not this way. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 what was he feeling on the first date? same way. lukewarm.. he was about to write me off too. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 equestrian, what made you end up trying again 3 months later? Anyway, Batya, maybe our definition of spark is different. It is about attraction to me, and I know there have been numerous posts on here about attraction. for me, if the attraction isnt there initially, it never will be. Like I said before, if I went on 3 or 4 dates with someone I had no spark with, I'd probably feel I was leading them on and it would be uncomfortable too. I am not saying I need huge fireworks, but I do need something that makes me want to pounce on them (haha)..Or else, like all my last relationships, it will be a struggle of me not wanting to be intimate and not feeling it..... Link to comment
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