I really need advice

[baker53]

My gf and I have been together on and off for a little more than 2 years now. We are currently living together and are on a lease until this June. Things between us used to be great but over the past couple of months the relationship has gone very stale. I almost feel like we are just roommates instead of bf and gf. Last night she was saying how she doesn't feel loved and said that something needs to change. I could show her more attention but I feel like that I am not getting any love or affection from her either. And to tell you the truth I am not 100% satisfied with the relationship either but I don't know what to do. Although last night she was also talking about getting married years down the road and wanting to have a future.

 

I have been going back and forth on if we should stay together or break up but I can never come to a good conclusion. We have broken up 3 times in the past, all 3 were by her and the last time we broke up was last February. Every time that we break up I get very upset and depressed and all I want in the world is to get her back. My question to everyone is: What should I do? Is it time for us to break up? Should we stay together? And most importantly is there a way that I can avoid the sadness and depression that I felt last time we broke up because it nearly killed me?

 

I could write a novel about our relationship but I don't know if you'll want to read all of it. But if you need more info just let me know and I will be happy to tell you all about everything.

 

This is my first long term relationship that I have been in and I'm very confused. It is driving me crazy so please give me some advice on what I should do.

 

Thanks in advance

[_Asti_]

Are you both willing to work at this and fix it? If so, keep fighting. I say it's time to give up when you're fighting alone and trying to hold it together by yourself.

 

If you're both willing to change and make more of an effort, then go for it. If you aren't satisfied you need to vocalize yourself and let her know of what changes need to be made from her side as well.

 

If you're willing to work at it, and every relationship needs work. If you're not making the conscious effort to keep the spark alive, then of course its going to fail. ANY relationship you will be in will end this way, not just this one, because you allow it to get stale.

[Amasa]

I think all relationships go through ups and downs. Maybe you guys just need to get out and switch up the routine a little bit. Spice it up as it were. Set the example and see if things aren't better in a couple of weeks. If it still doesn't feel right after you've put some effort in then consider a break up

[lisa1126]

How old are both of you?

 

Break up is really hard, and it can feel like you won't survive it.

 

Just because breaking up is hard, that shouldn't be a reason why you continue to stay in the relationship that is not working.

 

That aside, what are the issues/conflicts/problems are you guys having that is dampening the spark and affection for each other?

[jasper01]

Last night she was saying how she doesn't feel loved and said that something needs to change.

 

Here's something to try. First step - listen to what she's saying. Tell her you are interested to hear more about the feeling she is having that she is not loved. Notice how I phrase that - it's an invitation not a question. Get her to tell you the whole story by asking her if there is more. When she's got the whole idea out you repeat back to her your understanding of what she told you. Then ask her if you got it. If you didn't, then find out what part you're not understanding yet. Be patient, and remain grounded. Don't tell her about your feelings about whatever she is bringing up. This is all about her. Then when she comfirms that you 'got it' you tell her it makes sense. When she believes you genuinely understand what it is she's feeling, sees you aren't threatened by it, and you validate her experience she will then begin to feel more connected to you (loved).

 

Something you do may remind her of something unhappy from her childhood. It does not make her have that feeling, she does. But when she sees you doing this, it brings that up - the feeling of not being loved. And she looks to the relationship as the cause of that even though it comes from her. You want to get whatever that is out in the open and really understand it for her.

 

The way she is trying to solve the problem (read: get love) is by threatening you (with leaving in this case). But it doesn't work that way in adult relationships. That works when your a baby, and it's supposed to. Not anymore. So you need to become the grownup here by being genuinely there for her, but also by not taking responsibility for her issues. They are hers, but you're there to help. These are actions more than words. You'll both need to learn some new skills to make this work. And if you don't do it with each other, you'll have to do it with somebody. There's no way around it and that's the way it works. If you want to learn, get into counseling with someone who has done it and can help you.

 

As far as helping with the pain of being separated, that's a lot more difficult. Do your best to become a more mature partner first.

[baker53]

How old are both of you?

 

Break up is really hard, and it can feel like you won't survive it.

 

Just because breaking up is hard, that shouldn't be a reason why you continue to stay in the relationship that is not working.

 

That aside, what are the issues/conflicts/problems are you guys having that is dampening the spark and affection for each other?

 

We are both 21yrs. And our biggest conflict has been her not feeling like she is loved. She wants to live in a fairy tale like in a Disney movie. I do try to make her "feel loved" but she is always wanting more from me. Now I will admit there is more I could do but sometimes it is hard.

 

Another conflict that we have is what age that we want to get married. She wants to be married by 24yrs. While I want to wait until I finish my undergrad and then grad school which will make me around 26-27yrs. Also she has her whole marital life planned out to what the names of her kids are going to be. And if this plan isn't followed to the dot then she gets mad

 

A conflict that I have with her is our different views on health and physical fitness. I work out 5 days a week religiously and it has become a big part of my life. I also make sure that I eat right and avoid all junk food. Although she does not like to work out at all. I gave her a free membership to the gym that I work at and she never goes. I even offered to train her for free and she still will not come in. She also loves eating junk food and is not to worried about her health. Her attitude towards this really bugs me because I want her or whoever I am with to be healthy and care about their body and she does not. And whats worse is if I try to talk to her about it then she accuses me of calling her fat and gets very mad and upset with me.

 

Another problem that we have is that anything intimate or sexual has stopped. I have tried many times to initiate things but I always get shot down so I have pretty much given up on that. She says that she does not feel sexy or pretty (and I have told her she is) and does not want to do anything. And with me being a 21yr. old male it is hard to deal with that.

 

I feel like that I do 90% of the chores around our apartment. And if it wasn't for me our place would be a dump.

 

She always brings her problems from work home and complains to me about her co workers. Which I am fine with to an extent because everyone needs to vent. But it often times puts her in a bad mood and can give her a very short fuse.

 

I feel like everything has to be her way or the highway. And if she does not get her way then be prepared for battle.

 

I could go on and on

 

Now I am not trying to bash her because there are good things about our relationship as well, and there are some more bad ones too. I know in the past she has been depressed and has had problems with an eating disorder. I don't know if that makes any difference in anything but I figured I would let you'll know.

 

What makes me go back and forth with my decision is my curiosity. I have not been in many relationships and like I said this is my first "long term" relationship. I want to be 100% happy but I don't know if I would be happier with someone else or not, mainly because each time we have broken up I get very upset and she turns very mean. Like I said before I just really need some unbiased advice and insight on what I should do.

 

Thank You

 

Oh and Jasper thats a great idea and I will definitely try that and use your words. I have tried something similar in the past and it somehow backfires and gets turned around on me. Do you have any other advice?

[jasper01]

It sounds like you've built up a lot of resentment. Very understandable. I've done that. You need to put an end to the bullying. You'll have to find a way to do it. Realize that, besides what I said before about why she acts this way, when she does this she is essentially invalidating your reality. There's only room for her truth, and that doesn't work either. There is a way to put a stop to it that is along the same lines. You repeat back to her what it is she is demanding, but as an unbiased observation on your part. 'Oh, so you believe that .....such and such', '. You don't give in to the demand, just reflect back your understanding of it. The important part is that she understands from the interaction with you that her truth is not the only one in the room. And that you are her friend, not her servant. I realize this is tough stuff to do, but it's great practice. Think of it as an adventure in learning about relationships. With enough repetition she can eventually be retrained. And actually she does want that in the end, she just doesn't know another way yet. She may not be fully aware that she's acting like a 5 yo. You on the other hand need to learn the other half of this, which is not to let her get away with it. Perhaps this is something from your past as well, if you were bullied by one of your parents..something to think about.

[lisa1126]

It sounds to me like there is some significant imbalance in the maturity levels between the two of you. You seem to be much more maturer and it looks to me like in this relationship, you will always have to be the one to GIVE and not receive much back.

 

She has a lot of maturing to do and the question is whether you are willing to remain in this relationship where you need to pretty much constantly give and expect very little back.

 

You are only 21, and yes, I really think you should be open to other people and relationships, unless, you are 100% sure you want to be committed to her for the rest of your life, i.e., you guys are already talking about marriage, etc..

 

As I said before, just because you have really hard time breaking up, it doesn't mean that you are destined for this relationship. Break ups are excruciatingly difficult for most people. It just is, even getting out of a very unhealthy, toxic relationships.

 

It sounds like there isn't too much mutual give and take in your relationship.

As is, unless, she does some growing up, things are not going to be much different. So you need to take a hard look at your situation and make some decisions. If I was giving my input to someone in my family in your situation, I would advise you to consider seperating.

 

I am sorry, I am not being too optimistic.

[baker53]

Thank you, an unbiased opinion is what I was looking for, and anyone else please feel free to give yours because I really don't talk to many people about our relationship and it helps me a lot. Now about your comment on the different levels of maturity. I have noticed this in the past and have brought it up but she gets very defensive. She thinks that she is the more mature one period. Should I tell her about the maturity level difference or just keep my mouth shut.

 

Now I have always had problems "pulling the trigger" when it comes to ending a relationship that's why I have never broken up with her. So are there any red flags of when to break up, other than the two of us not willing to work at the relationship anymore. Because I can be stubborn sometimes and will try to work out and fix anything.

 

Also if we do end up breaking up what would you'll suggest I do about or living situation. I've been reading on here how the best thing to do is no contact but I don't know how we would do that. This is because we both live in a one bedroom apt. and are locked into a lease until this june. She has no where to go and I really don't have anywhere to go either. Another thing is that both of use are in some of the same classes next semester at school so I am going to have to see her regardless one way or another.

 

And lastly is there anything that I can do to arm or prepare myself if we break up to lessen the pain. Because to tell you the truth I am scared to death of that terrible feeling that I experienced last time. It literally changed me into a completely person and I thought I was dieing.

 

I have this problem of being strong when we are in the relationship together. But the second we break up I can literally feel something inside me change and all I want is her back for some reason. I have trouble sleeping and I lose all interest in everything else in the world for some reason. It's almost like I turn into a little kid again, while her on the other hand seems to get stronger. This is easily the number one thing that I hate most about my self and want to change but I don't know how.

 

Now in the past when we broke up she had another guy to rebound on and I had no one so that may have something to do with it. Do you'll suggest that I try to have a rebound lined up? If so how?

[lisa1126]

No, you shouldn't talk to her about different maturity levels. She is not mature enough to handle talks like that.

 

In terms of details of the break up, i.e., apartment lease, same classes, etc., you need to deal with them as you see fit. Yes, you are right, sometimes, complete NC may not be possible, then, you just have to deal with what you got.

 

But your anticipated fear of breaking up and how you will feel dealing with the break up, all I can suggest is that you keep coming back to enotalone and read a lot about breaking up and healing from breaking up, it helps to know that you are not alone and most everyone going through break up goes through excruciating pain.

 

But it is pretty clear to me that you have serious, deep doubts about your relationship and you are tired and burned out, and I don't think you should continue to be in this relationship. Just because you fear you CAN'T break up shouldn't be the reason why you continue in this.

 

Please think through about the details of the break up and take some concrete steps.

 

As to lining up a rebound, I suppose, if you can, you could, but then again, you can address that later. You just need to be open to engaging yourself with others, keeping busy, and reaching out to others to help you get through the tough times.

[jasper01]

It sounds to me like there is some significant imbalance in the maturity levels between the two of you.

 

Doesn't matter. Sound crazy? I used to think so. If he is the mature one he can stop the nonsense.

[baker53]

Thank You, I am terrified of the feelings that will come with breaking up. I do plan to keep coming back to this website because it makes me feel a little better, I just wish there was something more I could do to lessen the blow of the break up.

 

I just can't make up my mind on what I want to do. With tonight being new years we both hung out and to tell you the truth I really enjoyed her company. And it's times like these that I think maybe we should stay together, but I still don't know because there are many things that bug me. Like said before I am curious if there is someone out there better for me. This is just because I am still kinda young and because I have not been in many relationships. How do I know because I don't want to break up and regret it. Does anyone else have anymore opinions or suggestions?

 

Lisa what would you say are some concretes steps to breaking up other than just doing it. Because maybe if I took steps I could better see how I will react to the breakup and lessen the pain.

 

And also since last time we broke up was so hard on me. Does this mean that if we break up it will be even harder on me because we have been together longer. Or would it be easier to deal with?

[baker53]

Well after things went well on new years eve we got into an argument last night. It started out as something small but then it escalated into a bigger issue. I just don't get how we can go from really getting a long to fighting so fast. Why is this? Going by everyone's experiences would you'll say that if we break up again, it will be harder on me than it was last time or would it be easier? Because last time was pretty tough.

[zrehman]

Have you talked to her about why she is not feeling loved?

 

I know in relationships when you start dating in the beginning, both parties show affection and love a lot by doing romantic things for each other, but when you both get comfortable in a relationship, the romantic things slowly stop and are there on anniversaries or valentines day that you show the romantic side of you.

 

Is that the case in your situation?

[lisa1126]

There is no easier way to break up.

It may be just as hard or even harder this time around to break up.

Generally speaking, people say, longer the relationship, longer your healing from the break up will be.

 

Don't think in terms of whether you are going to meet someone better for you or not.

 

Don't think about whether you will regret the break up.

 

Ask yourself, am I willing to and do I want to commit to and live with this person for the rest of my life?

 

Base your decision on answering this question for yourself.

[baker53]

See thats a question that I not 100% sure of the answer of. Part of me thinks that she is the one, and the other part thinks that she is not the one.

 

Yes we have talked about it many times before, and I do think that us being to comfortable with each other is part of the problem. Like I said it almost feels like the relationship has gone stale. She says that it is the small things like kissing before leaving a room, saying I love you on the phone, ect that hurt her. And I am doing those things more and more now, but I feel like she keeps wanting more and is giving me more hurdles to go through. She says that she wants to live in a “fairy tale” but it is hard to provide that all the time. Although I am making a conscientious effort to make her feel more loved and to get that spark back, but I don’t know how that’s going.

 

I just don’t get how fast things can change in how we are doing. Last night we went to dinner and to see a movie. The night was great and we were getting along fine. When we came back to the apartment I made a comment about all of her dishes that she left in the sink. In response to my comment she flipped out and yelled at mea and tried to lock me out of my room and make me sleep on the couch. This made me furious because I felt like I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of behavior especially with how well the night went. But I just held in my anger and didn’t yell because I did not want to make the situation worse. It’s times like this that make me wonder about our relationship. I don’t know if our relationship is good or if it is bad mainly due to my lack of many relationships. I want to that I can be happier than I am now but if I feel like I did last time we broke up then I don’t know if I can. It’s almost like I am happy being unhappy if that makes any sense. Like I said before I am just really confused. Any words of advice?

[lisa1126]

You are confused and lacking the will to make a judgement.

 

My opinion is that your gf is a very needy, immature, still a lot of growing to do person.

 

I could tell you this much for sure. No amount of your effort to "make her feel loved" will satisfy her.

 

Because, love doesn't work that way and relationship can't continue on that basis. NO ONE can make someone feel loved all the time like in the fairy tale.

 

She is a very needy person. Like I said before, if you want to remain in this relationship, you will have to be the one continuosly giving and expect very little back from her. You will always have to be the one carrying this relationship in trying to make her happy and feel loved, while receiving very little back from her.

 

There is no perfect relationship, and yet there are healhier and happier ones than not. And I say, your relationship, seems to be in the negative range.

 

There are many people out there, I personally don't believe in "the one". Don't get stuck in that mindset. There are many many potential relationships out there and they will all be different from one another because people are unique and different. For you to feel that you have to pass the test in getting the "right one", you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of distress, trying to figure that out, while in reality, it just isn't that way.

 

To reiterate, if you are willing to be the one to give, embrace, to accept her needy, demanding ways, you stay with her.

 

If you are getting to a point where you are drained, distressed, and unhappy, you will have to make a decision to severe this relationship once and for all.

 

I sense that you have a hard time making that kind of decision and sticking with it.