stephla Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 i talked to my bf about having a threesome, both with two men and with two women. we have a good relationship of over two years,but we're in our twenties,and we hope to be together forever,so i wanted to know what he thinks about experimenting a bit. for start,i sugested him to just kiss with another woman,all three of us. i would like to kiss a woman by myself, so i included him too,not to feel neglected. he didn't like the idea, though he liked the idea of two women more than two men, he didn't want to try any. when we talked about two men he had a very serious look on his face. i don't know was he mad,jealous or what. our talk ended with him saying i should kiss a woman by myself. he wants a monogamus relationship. why doesn't he want to do any of this? our sex life is great,we're trying almost everything. but after this talk i felt he pulled away,why? i reassured him i wanna be just with him,it was just a talk,but he's been acting weird lately. what should i do to make things right again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutz Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Why do you want to do any of this? Since, you know, you just said your sex life is great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephla Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 Why do you want to do any of this? Since, you know, you just said your sex life is great. i wanna try new things,i'm an open person,i like new experiences. i'm satisfied with our sex life,i just wanna go a step further. you only live once. if we love and trust each other,this should be ok. though different people have different opinions. i'd like to hear them,that's why i posted here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutz Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 i wanna try new things,i'm an open person,i like new experiences. i'm satisfied with our sex life,i just wanna go a step further. you only live once. if we love and trust each other,this should be ok. though different people have different opinions. i'd like to hear them,that's why i posted here. If that's the case and the guy you're with is not then you're not a good match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Including other people in your sex life is a slippery slope. It can open the door to jealousy, lack of trust, and feeling the relationship has been 'cheapened'. Some people feel that intimacy is a special bond shared between 2 people, and shouldn't be shared with others. And jealousy can be a very strong primitive emotion that isn't easy to squelch for the sake of experimentation. Most people who object to threesome believe in sharing sex with only their partner, as your boyfriend does. So the idea is probably upsetting him because he's now thinking you don't view your intimacy as so special and he may worry about where it will lead. btw, it is very common for relationships to break up as a result of trying a threesome, because the specialness of the two person sexual bond has been broken. So you're playing with fire here, and perhaps you need to acknowledge that you and your boyfriend are not on the same page about intimacy, and may not belong together if he is really upset by the idea and if you aren't happy with the just the two of you. Unfortunately you can't take this idea back, and depending on whether he can accept there is this side to you or not, it may have a temporary impact, or cause a breakup. sometimes even suggesting you have sex with others than your partner is enough to do a relationship in, so i'd try to talk to him more about his feelings now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleduckie Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 just a warning to you... one of my roomate has a somewhat open relationship. she wnats him to commit but he likes the arrangement too much. so... as a result, he never quite commits fully to her. it's kind of sad to see. they have lots of 3somes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackgnat Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 SOunds like he might not trust you any more. The only way you can possibly take it back is by telling him it was only a fantasy and you don't really want to do it. Can you do that? It sounds like he now thinks he's not enough for you, regarding the 2 men scenario. Yeah, better to dump your bf, find someone else who also wants to do this and see how you much you like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephla Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 SOunds like he might not trust you any more. The only way you can possibly take it back is by telling him it was only a fantasy and you don't really want to do it. Can you do that? It sounds like he now thinks he's not enough for you, regarding the 2 men scenario. Yeah, better to dump your bf, find someone else who also wants to do this and see how you much you like it. no,definitely not going to dump him,i love him much more than wanting a threesome. i've already tried to explain how this is just a fantasy,how i don't wanna actually do it,but it didn't work. he gave me a weird look saying he knows very well i'm capable of doing this. i can't believe only talking about it can make such a damage to a relationship. is there any way i can turn things back to normal? or just by time he'll get over it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorpion Fury Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Because he loves you and doesn't want to be with anyone but you. Doesn't sound like you two are a good match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taomagicdragon Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Give him time, that's the only thing you can do, and even then the ball is in his court and he may decide to end it anyway. It's a matter of faith now so wait, be there for him, love him, and see if that faith is stronger than this mishap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 You need to get him talking about his feelings about this... Tell him you've noticed a change since you discussed this, and what is going thru his mind... Let him talk about it, and see if there is anything you can do to address it... If he says it is jealousy, you can say you'd never leave him for anyone else. If he says he sees you as a freak now (i.e., he thinks threesomes aren't someone 'normal' couples do), you can talk about everyone having fantasies, and that has nothign to do with your loving him. If he thinks it means he's not satisifying you sexually and that's why you want more people involved, you can address that. But get him talking about his feelings about what you told him, and try to do damage control from there. Suggesting threesomes really is Pandora's box... once it's out in the open you have to deal with the result and not expect it to be ignored or shoved back in the box. For some people, it's a real violation of trust to even suggest this, so you need to talk about this until you resolve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue69 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 btw, it is very common for relationships to break up as a result of trying a threesome Your other points are valid but not sure if this is true. There are many relationships that dont break up as a result of this. Just get tired of the doom and gloom associated with this activity. It is a possibility that needs to be considered but no different that any other sexual fetish or fantasy. All can be received by their partner negatively and have negative results. "ALL" There is risk involved with opening up things but there are risk involved in "any" change to a relationship. This is a very common fantasy and sexual desire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Your bf expressed that he did not want one. Stop pushing you. If he ever changes his mind, he will tell you. Continuing to push this will push him away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taomagicdragon Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Your other points are valid but not sure if this is true. There are many relationships that dont break up as a result of this. Just get tired of the doom and gloom associated with this activity. It is a possibility that needs to be considered but no different that any other sexual fetish or fantasy. All can be received by their partner negatively and have negative results. "ALL" There is risk involved with opening up things but there are risk involved in "any" change to a relationship. This is a very common fantasy and sexual desire. It is different in that it includes another person, the majority of "kinks" do not. With another person it opens up new possibilities, both good and bad, it's also different in that it changes the relationship dynamic by making it open, in essense (maybe not fully open as in swinging or swapping, but it is a degree of open nonetheless), this is vastly different than most other kinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue69 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 It is all in perspective. Some view certain taboos, kinks differently than others. Some people may respond more negatively to the person suggesting bondage, cross dressing, role playing, even anal than the suggestion of a threesome. Many dont. My point is that it appears some arguments are on a fact that the majority who do this, the relationship fails. Where is the source for this conclusion (fact)? Agree that because another human being is involved there are additional challenges that need to be addressed. But the very act of discussing sexuality and desires, kinks and such should not be an end all to the relationship. Two people can have different views of sexual topics. It is the coming together and agreeing on parameters of a sexual relationship that should be encouraged. I do, however, think most people can't handle discussions of sexuality let alone discussions involving kinks or taboos. I think this is sad. The OP should be allowed to discuss this with her partner. He may "freak" a bit, but should at least appreciate the honesty of his partner. And hopefully they will come together with an established sexual relationship that will satisfy them both. Everyone brings these type of topics up differently. Some bring the topic up slowly, easing into the topic and some jump right in. Depends on their overall personality type. I personally would probably broach these types of conversations slowly. Maybe ask leading type questions to get a "feel" for how my partner might respond. Maybe the OP was a bit more direct than she could have been for getting the discussions started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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