Within Five Years

[Hope75]

Well after he had had ample time to calm down, he admitted that he knew I would not equate "the near future" with "in five years." He also admitted that he didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought I would dump him pretty much immediately. I don't really understand his logic, since if I'm not willing to wait the five years, it would be better to part ways sooner rather than later, and I would never want to feel like I had to "trick" my partner in order for them to stay in the relationship, but, not everyone thinks the way I do.

 

So with this new information, what will you do now?

[KarateKate]

I have no idea.

 

Now he's upset because he expected me to be ok with it, and he feels like it shouldn't matter when he proposes, like if I loved him, it wouldn't matter how long we waited. Now he says he's having doubts because of the way I reacted.

[lady00]

I have no idea.

 

Now he's upset because he expected me to be ok with it, and he feels like it shouldn't matter when he proposes, like if I loved him, it wouldn't matter how long we waited. Now he says he's having doubts because of the way I reacted.

 

Well, for many women, it does matter how long it takes. I don't think it's fair of him to pull the "if you love me, you would wait indefinitely" card. I wonder if when the five years are up he will expect you to be OK with him changing the timeline again. You both have to agree on it and stick to it, IMO.

[redrose85]

It does matter though. If you want kids, you can only wait so long. My bf said that we will get married before he is 30, and I said that I certainly hope so, because I don't want to have my first baby at age 30 or older. If you want kids, it adds another complication and another dynamic.

[Taomagicdragon]

I wonder if what she is saying "If you love me you will propose sooner" so, in this case, both are using love as the basis for their reasoning of when to propose so if she can do it, so can he, and if he;s to be judged, then so should she.

 

What it boils down to is whether this would make/break the relationship and if it would break it then best to move on now. If you both are planning the marriage then someone might as well propose now, for that's what's basically happening now.

[Batya33]

It is so selfish and manipulative of him to do the "if you loved me you would wait for me" when his reasons for waiting have to do with his readiness, not with external circumstances beyond his control (and even then, of course it's fine to have a time table). A big part of relationships is timing and people being on the same page as far as values and goals. He does not value the commitment of marriage because he is willing to put it off to the indefinite future. Ask him if he'd be willing right now to put a deposit down on a wedding locale and honeymoon for 5 years from now (I know, sounds silly but let's see if he would put his money where his mouth is). In your situation "in five years' is the same as "in fifteen years" or, fifty - it hides the fact that he wants to stall by giving an arbitrary number rather than "someday".

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You could flip that argument and say, 'if you loved me, you'd propose to me and marry me because it is so important to me...' that really isn't an argument at all, just another excuse and manipulative gesture on his part.

 

Or if someone who never bathed or brushed their teeth said, 'if you loved me you wouldn't care that i stink.'

 

That argument could be used for anything, and hence isn't a valid argument. A relationship is about two people who negotiate a life together that they are happy with, and who take the other person's feelings into consideration, as well as practicalities.

 

So it isn't about you tolerating anything he chooses to do and shutting up about it. It is about negotiating something you are both happy with. That is what you should tell him, that loving one another means you negotiate compromises that meet both your needs, and if you can't compromise, then you aren't right for one another. He's not trying to compromise, he trying to get his own way at your expense, then trying to make you feel guilty or wrong because you don't agree with him.

[purpleJ]

I have to disagree.

From what I have gathered following the thread, they are both very young..very early 20s..in 5 years time she be in mid 20s now thats no too late to have kids as some people have mentioned.

 

Also theyre both at school and i think she mentioned that he wants to finish school get a job and buy a house or something? 5 years is a logical time frame for their age IMO, had they been in their mid 30s I say dump him and move on but in this case I think he is being logical.

 

If you get married/engaged now, how long would it be until you have a place to move into and be ready for kids?

 

It all comes down to how YOU feel, he is saying what he needs and there is nothing wrong with it atleast hes finally being honest! It doesn't mean he doesnt love you enough or doesnt want to marry you but he has different ideas about when he should start a family. If you can be happy with just being with him this way then dont end the relationship but dont stick around hoping he will change his mind and propose in a year or two, it will only put more pressure on the relationship and make you unhappier at the end.