laisla Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 KarateKate, when do you want to get engaged/married? what's your timeline? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Unless you are really young, expecting you to wait 7 years to get engaged just is too much. That to me says he doesn't want to get married, and is just stalling you. He could want to marry no one, or he could just be biding his time til he meets someone he likes better and then dump you. So if marriage and a commitment to you is your goal, then i'd decide how long you are willing to wait, and tell him in no uncertain terms that if you're not engaged by X date (your choice), you're going to have to accept that he doesn't really want to marry you and you're going to move on. I know too many women who've waited a LONG time for a proposal only to get dumped and the guy married to someone else within a year. It is also true that he won't let you get away if he really loves you and does indeed intend to get married. If you walk and he doesn't come after you and propose, then he probably never really intended to to begin with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sn0man Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Hey thanks to everyone for their advice! I would just like to say, since someone mentioned this, that he did actually tell me he would propose within two years about a year and a half ago. Obviously, it turned out not to be true. After that he wanted to get engaged sometime in 2009. Then, a few months ago, he wanted to get engaged within two years. At that point I became very agitated and we completely stopped mentioning it. I guess I should have mentioned that. I mean after discussing a two year waiting period, how was I supposed to think that in the near future would mean within the next five years? At this point, I don't even know if the relationship can continue, but I definitely appreciate all the advice! Thanks so much! I'm wondering what the hurry to get married is, and why you'd just leave the relationship if he doesn't want to jump in head first as quickly as you'd like. Once you remove all the fancy bells and whistles, marriage is just a contract. Are you really in such a hurry to sign a contract? You also said this has happened twice before (engagement talks). Are you trying to push this on him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I think it is reasonable for her to bring up talk about engagement after 2 years, and most women just won't wait 7 years to get engaged, unless they are in their teens when they start dating. If he wants to wait 5 years, then that is 7 years total from the time they started dating. Most people know WAY before 7 years whether they want to marry someone or not, unless the issue is they don't really want to get married. Nothing wrong with not getting married, unless one person wants marriage and the other doesn't, then that's a BIG problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 I did not "force" him to talk about time frames for getting engaged. A year and a half ago, he told me (out of nowhere) that he wanted to get engaged in two years. After a year had passed, and there had been no more mention of it, I brought it up, and he told me he had changed his mind. At that point, I asked him when he WOULD like to get engaged, and the cycle just continued from there. As far as ending the relationship is concerned, it would be because of the poor way he's handled such an important matter, not because he doesn't want to be married right this moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 May I ask how old you both are? I think unless you are under age 18 (in which case I think getting engaged at that point is a bit premature anyway) than asking someone to wait 7 years is just pushing off the inevitable.... I do agree that he mislead you and can't help but wonder if in 3 more years it will be, "Maybe in 5 more years." Where are you both in your education/careers at this point? What is his criteria for getting engaged? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 The issue was never that I wasn't willing to wait-the issue was that he wasn't upfront about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 The issue was never that I wasn't willing to wait-the issue was that he wasn't upfront about it. Yes I understand, but I think answering some of my questions from my previous post may help us understand where his desire to keep putting it off may be coming from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 We are both in our early twenties. He thinks he'll be finished with school in a year and a half. My schooling is kind of fuzzy. At the end of this year I'll be put on list for my school's nursing program, and it'll probably be around a two year wait, so I'm still trying to decide exactly what I want to do. I do know he wants to finish school and find a job, and he wants to secure a decent place to live. I know he wants the situation with me and his friends to be better (I explained it in a previous post), and I know he wants to improve a few little things within the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 We understand you're upset, but look at the issue here. He's lying to you because he's not ready for an engagement. He;s saying things to make you happy, and now he's finally come clean about what he views as suitable time line for an engagement. Focus on the things you need to do in the next few years, and take the engagement talk off the table, because its clear he isn't ready. If you're willing to wait, then great. But I think he may be feeling some pressure and is speaking without thinking and then having to back track himself and clarify. For whatever reason, for him, a SHORT WHILE is several years. You had different perceptions. Communicate more clearly, but I think you should just focus on personal goals and realize that things need to be in place for him before an engagement occurs and that by remaining in ths relationship, you are accepting these terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mindy1607307824 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 We are both in our early twenties. He thinks he'll be finished with school in a year and a half. Is he 21 and a junior in college? I do know he wants to finish school and find a job, and he wants to secure a decent place to live. I know he wants the situation with me and his friends to be better (I explained it in a previous post), and I know he wants to improve a few little things within the relationship. I read your other thread. All his ideas sound very mature and realistic. Do you want to be married and live with his or your parents? If he's just getting out of school in 1.5 years it'll be a while until he can afford rent and all that. You are not even done with school yet, and there'll be two years until you make it to nursing school. Is it just about the idea of showing off the ring and live the princess fantasy? No mean to sound rude, I actually understand that feeling -- but getting married is something important and if you guys can't sort a little problem with his friends and all, maybe you are just not ready yet and that's okay too. My schooling is kind of fuzzy. At the end of this year I'll be put on list for my school's nursing program, and it'll probably be around a two year wait, so I'm still trying to decide exactly what I want to do. Are you thinking about getting married to not worry about any of this? And PS, near future is not five years. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 >>>I know he wants the situation with me and his friends to be better (I explained it in a previous post), and I know he wants to improve a few little things within the relationship. So the real issue is that he's not sure you're the person he wants to marry, unless you change yourself in a way he wants you to change. What he's waiting for is to see if you change, and he's tossing out the 5 years to buy him a lot of time to see if that happens. An important thing to ask him is, what needs to change before you're comfortable marrying? And if he lists a bunch of things you know won't change (or you don't want to change), then you already have your answer and don't waste anymore time. And if they are things you can or are willing to change, then you might consider waiting a while to see if you're both happy with the changes. But i'm always cautious when people tie getting married to the requirement that someone change. People aren't fixer upper projects, and if you don't love the person as they are, you probably won't love them in 5 years either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 Ok. The reason I posted this thread was because my boyfriend told me that he wanted to get engaged in the near future. Later, when I found out that he actually meant that he wanted to get engaged within five years, I was upset, because to me, the near future does not mean within five years. That's it. I felt like he mislead me, and I was upset about it. I wrote about it because I wanted some advice on how to deal with the problem. It was never about whether or not he wanted to marry me, and it was certainly never about him not wanting to get married right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mindy1607307824 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Ok, maybe he did mislead you, but maybe it is because you're talking about it too much and he knows it always ends in arguments and he didn't want to deal with it. You need to move past this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 It wouldn't be an argument if he would just be upfront with his feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Does he mislead you on other things, or just this? People really avoid delivering news they know will really hack their partners off (like the fact that he doesn't intend to propose for 5 years if he thinks you want it sooner), so perhaps he was just avoiding your anger. If he's generally honest on other things, i'd just tell him you expect the truth from him on all subjects, so that you can talk about it an negotiate a life together openly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purpleJ Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 I'm also in my early 20s..almost 22 to be exact, been with the bf since i was 18..and have had similar issues..from my experience i can say that he can't be upfront regarding this because he knows how much it means to you but in his mind it can't logically happen until few years down the track or it could be that he is not sure he wants to marry you but at the same time he doesnt wanna lose you or have more arguments so he lies..not helpful but i think thats why he did it If you dont want it to happen again talk to him about it and say as much as you might be upset if he says 5 yrs or that hes not sure etc you would be more hurt if you find out you were misled... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 It wouldn't be an argument if he would just be upfront with his feelings. And that's the problem. He's having a hard time being upfront about it. And why? He's lying you because he can't be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taomagicdragon Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 In the near future is a relative term is often used in tandem with a period of time in mind. "Til death do us part" is the time period, so 5 years is pretty "near" in comparison. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taomagicdragon Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Reading the rest of the threads (with the 2 year plans and all), he didn't mislead so much as to lie to you, he did, however, change his plans but not to lull you or harm you so misleading is an incorrect term; miscommunicated is more precise and true to this topic. Communication is what you both need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I would just like to say, since someone mentioned this, that he did actually tell me he would propose within two years about a year and a half ago. Obviously, it turned out not to be true. After that he wanted to get engaged sometime in 2009. Then, a few months ago, he wanted to get engaged within two years. I mean after discussing a two year waiting period, how was I supposed to think that in the near future would mean within the next five years? It really does sound like his misled you. I think that he should have gone about it differently. If he was not sure, he should have just told you that instead of making false promises. It seems highly unlikely to me that he just changed his mind that many times. It sounds like he was just afraid of disappointing you and didn't have the guts to level with you. Maybe now is the time to really level with each other about what you hope to do within the next five years and whether or not that makes sense. You should both be able to agree on the timeframe or one of you will end up miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarateKate Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 Well after he had had ample time to calm down, he admitted that he knew I would not equate "the near future" with "in five years." He also admitted that he didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought I would dump him pretty much immediately. I don't really understand his logic, since if I'm not willing to wait the five years, it would be better to part ways sooner rather than later, and I would never want to feel like I had to "trick" my partner in order for them to stay in the relationship, but, not everyone thinks the way I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 KK, I hear you. I think the same way you do. I am always ready to leave my relationships if they turn out to be no longer viable. I tend to attract men who do the same thing your bf did, it doesn't make sense to me at all. If I were the right woman for them wouldn't they be more than happy to commit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Well after he had had ample time to calm down, he admitted that he knew I would not equate "the near future" with "in five years." He also admitted that he didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought I would dump him pretty much immediately. I don't really understand his logic, since if I'm not willing to wait the five years, it would be better to part ways sooner rather than later, and I would never want to feel like I had to "trick" my partner in order for them to stay in the relationship, but, not everyone thinks the way I do. Well I'm glad he finally admitted it. I had a feeling that he was well aware of how you would interpret the near future. It really does sound silly of him...almost like he was trying to get you to stay with him by playing with words. If you are not willing to wait five years, then it's probably time to end the relationship because it's not going where you want it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Yes, he was being passive... afraid to tell you what he really wanted for fear that you'd be angry and dump him. But i think it is a good time to really let him know that he is ALWAYS better to discuss things openly and negotiate rather than mislead you out of fear. You need to be getting true and valuable information in order to make proper decisions, and it would worry me that he has a habit of glossing over or misleading which is a form of manipulation or trying to control the circumstances in the way he wants, rather than dealing with it openly. So i'd make it very clear this kind of thing is not acceptable and you expect him to tell you the truth rather than blow smoke over things you might have conflict over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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