redhearts Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 DO NOT use your child as a way to solve your problems. Do not give your child a job at the age he is. He isn't a tool. The way I see it, you cheated, not only cheated got ANOTHER woman pregnant. Doing that you weren't thinking of your wife, might as well say you didn't love her at that moment. So you haven't loved her at the moments you were with the mistress, thereforee you don't love her fully. I think you need to be without either of them. You shouldn't have a choice. Your wife isn't strong enough to leave you thats all it is. Do you not imagine the pain she has? That you don't even have a doubt of staying with her? There is no way to cut off contact with the mistress. You clearly screwed up big time. The best you can do is let your wife go and let her be with someone who deserves her. Who truly appreciates her. That doesn't mean go be with the mistress. That means be on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Do you LOVE either woman? Being with someone because it feels "easier" and to be closer to your son are really not good reasons to be in a relationship, IMO because it can often lead to both people in the relationship being really unhappy. Ask yourself this: if you did not have a son together would be you want to be with the other woman? If the answer is no, then I think that is your answer. By the same token, if your answer is yes, then it seems like she's the right one for you. But getting together or staying together for the sake of being near your child can lead to a lot of unhappiness. I understand your pain of not being able to be with your son all the time, but I don't think wanting to be there for him more is a good reason to pursue a romantic relationship with his mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Personally, I think what makes the most sense right now is for you to be on your own and rearrange your life so that it gives you the maximum amount of time with your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatherhood Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 Thanks for your reply/replies. All of this means a lot to me. The reality is that I do love the mother of my son. And I love my wife, too. And above all else, I love my little guy. I'm actually a very successful businessman but I've made some horrible choices in my personal life. I really don't trust my decision in this personal situation. I truly want the best for everyone, whatever that might be. The #1 priority is my son - not me or either of the other 2 women. Just a tough situation, and I'm sick to death about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoopy24 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Thanks for your reply/replies. All of this means a lot to me. The reality is that I do love the mother of my son. And I love my wife, too. And above all else, I love my little guy. I'm actually a very successful businessman but I've made some horrible choices in my personal life. I really don't trust my decision in this personal situation. I truly want the best for everyone, whatever that might be. The #1 priority is my son - not me or either of the other 2 women. Just a tough situation, and I'm sick to death about it. How can you have a happy marriage if you love someone else, and how can you have a relationship with someone when you still love your wife? The answer is you can't.. I think you need to do some serious soul searching and maybe take some time to yourself. In reality you're basically jugling to woman along. Even if you are only with your wife at the moment, you still cheated on her, and have feelings for the OW. It's not fair to either of them, OR your son. My parents were divorced when i was 6. I saw my dad twice I month. Even though we had some ups and downs, it had nothing to do with him not being around, and today at 26, we are extremley close. So many kids parents are not together, and grow up just fine. Before your child gets any older I think you should stop this love triangle, and continue being devoted father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladylol1234 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I don't think you should leave your wife for this other person. I think you should leave your wife because you are so obviously unhappy with her. If you weren't, you wouldn't be on the fence, getting ready to jump over. What's holding you back? Did you get comfortable with your wife? Does she have something you need? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I don't think you should leave your wife for this other person. I think you should leave your wife because you are so obviously unhappy with her. If you weren't, you wouldn't be on the fence, getting ready to jump over. What's holding you back? Did you get comfortable with your wife? Does she have something you need? I agree you need to look further. Why did you cheat? Why in hell are you still seeing the other woman? Have you not even realised how much pain your putting your wife through? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silentlyfor Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Damn. That's a shame you told me I couldn't because I really did want to judge you. Instead I'll say this: choose one and stick with it and jump off the freakin' fence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 My suggestion is you choose, before one of them makes the choice for you. Eventually one or both will get tired of this scenario and end it. If you removed your son from the equation, which woman would you be with? Would you ever have left your wife if there wasn't a child involved? You need to be with the person who is the best partner for you, because your son will be out of the house eventually and you will be alone with one woman or the other. If there were no other considerations, which woman would you choose? So choose the woman who makes the best partner for you, and stick with that. If it is your wife, you need to totally break it off with the other woman, other then picking up and dropping off your son, in order to make your marriage work. And if you want the other woman, then do your wife a favor and set her free to find someone who does want to be with her fulltime and not drag another woman into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Either choice you make will be hard. What I would like to say is this: having an affair with someone is always easy because you are not married to them. Marriage is hard. If you don't love the person, it's harder still. Marriage with a child is incredibly hard and demanding. Don't go to her expecting her attention and for it to be rainbows and lollipops. It will be hard, you have a child to work with and a history of infidelity - that's not something that inspires trust in a partner. Either way, stop jerking your wife about She doesn't deserve it. If you loved her, you'd want to not cause her so much pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jelina Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I don't understand why you would leave your wife for the mother of the child when you had originally posted that you had some issues with her. So what happens if you marry the mother of your child and those issues become larger? You are creating a bad environment for your child when in reality you just want to see him more. What happens if you get together and it doesn't work out, then the child is old enough to know and see what's really going on. You go through divorce, and now you regret doing this in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatherhood Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 test test test Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatherhood Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 Yes, I probably have gotten comfortable. She's a nice person but basically is a combination of my sister & mother. After 10 years, I simply got sick of being browbeat and criticized. She doesn't have bad intentions but the impace and results are the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Botched Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Be alone. Father from there. Simple. Saying your wife is hard to be with is really odd to see on this post. You cheated and had a baby. She must really love you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Yes, I probably have gotten comfortable. She's a nice person but basically is a combination of my sister & mother. After 10 years, I simply got sick of being browbeat and criticized. She doesn't have bad intentions but the impace and results are the same. What were your intentions? Tbh, I'd give her the last 4. Having to deal with an affair and a child of an affair must take nerves of iron. That she didn't kick you right out says a lot about her as a person and how she takes her responsibilities. I'd leave her. She deserves better and you'll be less conflicted in how to deal with managing your sons life and your parenting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heaven66 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Thanks for your reply/replies. All of this means a lot to me. The reality is that I do love the mother of my son. And I love my wife, too. And above all else, I love my little guy. I'm actually a very successful businessman but I've made some horrible choices in my personal life. I really don't trust my decision in this personal situation. I truly want the best for everyone, whatever that might be. The #1 priority is my son - not me or either of the other 2 women. Just a tough situation, and I'm sick to death about it. You know what? In the end you will do what is best for everyone, maybe they will understand maybe they won't..It's obvious someone will get hurt in the long run....I wouldn't like to be in your shoes..I know it's hard...Are you still sexually active with the baby's mom? Maybe you are in a rutt with your wife? Analyze everything..think about what got you and your wife together..think of why you cheated on her..think about why it has taken you this long to think that you belong with the other woman..think of how it will be when you do decide to go with your baby's mom....I mean you have to think about all these things because there is a child in the middle and you don't want to toy with his mind..that would be horrible....I believe you are a good dad...do what's right...Im sure your wife will understand...but make sure it's what you want also. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Botched Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 You know what? In the end you will do what is best for everyone, He will? You are sold on the fact that this guy will do what is best for everyone.... I have some land, going cheap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Personally, I think what makes the most sense right now is for you to be on your own and rearrange your life so that it gives you the maximum amount of time with your son. Yep..this is what I was going to suggest as well. You said you hate yourself right now...maybe you hate yourself because you are living a lie...you have been playing with the hearts of two women, uncommitted to either of them. You may have married your wife but you remain uncommitted to her because you cheated on her and are considering leaving her. You remain uncommitted to the other woman because you are still with your wife..and you reasons for wanting to be with the other woman have to do with simply wanting more access to your son. If you dumped your wife and went to the other woman you would be no more committed to her than you are now...she may have you in body but not in spirit....you will be forever wondering if you made the right decision. So now, while you are in body with your wife, your mind is with your child and his mother. If you changed partners, your mind would gravitate to the wife you dumped. You need to be alone to sort out your true feelings and to get happy within yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heaven66 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 I have to agree with the other people...your wife must have loved you alot to have stayed with you after you cheated on her...If you love your wife and you just want to be a father then do it....talk to the baby's mom and make arrangments to have the child more than just 2 days...10 yrs is not easy to just flush down the toilet..specially if you say you still love her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heaven66 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 He will? You are sold on the fact that this guy will do what is best for everyone.... I have some land, going cheap! Well what I meant is that in his post he is making it obvious that he wants to go with the child and the mom....don't you think that it will be the best for the wife? I do, I would not want a man that says he loves someone else..I want a man that loves only me...I believe she deserves better...why would you want to hold someone like that by your side..Hell no...let him go and be a father and if she is what he wants then let it be...Believe me it will be only him that will have to live with himself if later he realizes he still loves his wife...too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Botched Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Well what I meant is that in his post he is making it obvious that he wants to go with the child and the mom....don't you think that it will be the best for the wife? I do, I would not want a man that says he loves someone else..I want a man that loves only me...I believe she deserves better...why would you want to hold someone like that by your side..Hell no...let him go and be a father and if she is what he wants then let it be...Believe me it will be only him that will have to live with himself if later he realizes he still loves his wife...too late. If he just gets out on his own there would be better chance of rebuilding with the wife should that be his desire. If he bails to be with mother/mistess, wife would have to be nuts to take him back...clinically nuts. Maybe he loves them both. Perhaps Utah is an option...sounds like money is good. ](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heaven66 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 If he just gets out on his own there would be better chance of rebuilding with the wife should that be his desire. If he bails to be with mother/mistess, wife would have to be nuts to take him back...clinically nuts. Maybe he loves them both. Perhaps Utah is an option...sounds like money is good. ](*,) I agree..she would have to be very crazy to take him back..but you never know..remember we don't know what issues he is having with her..it could be something very easy to solve but he would not see that because in his mind I would say he has set his mind to just go with the childs mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatherhood Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 A few years ago when I felt unappreciated and beaten down by my wife - even untentionally by her -- I felt acceptance elsewhere. One thing led to another, the same old story told by thousands. Rather than "dump and run" to the other woman, we chose counseling and did our best to heal things. Even our marriage counselor just last week told me that she almost gave up on my wife for not being able to listen to my needs, etc. My wife tries - and fails. But I have failed obviously. What I do know is that I have a wife who has hung in there and has many wonderful qualities. And I have another woman who I also care about, too. And a son who deserves the best. I simply don't trust my judgment in area of relationships, to be honest. So all of your feedback is appreciated. I sit on the fence because it's the easiest place to be, and yet it's unacceptable. Either way I jump, I suffer a divorce of some kind. There is no perfect solution to this. So thanks again for your perspectives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heaven66 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Again...i will not judge you, im not here to do that..we are all humans and we make mistakes....I wish you much luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Botched Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Live on your own! That is it. Be a father. Why should you have to be with one of the women. See if you can treat yourself better than your wife does. Sad to say it, but I would almost bet that if you did go out on your own there would be a third women in less than a year...and she would have issues too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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